He was confused.
Months travelling with the Arisen and he thought he had her figured out. She liked coin, didn't like venison, had an answer for everything and smiled when she happy (or according to her even when she was not).
This was a reason for celebrating, surely! They had felled the griffin atop the Bluemoon Tower and found riches beyond belief. She had told him defeating their enemies was a good thing, that it was one of the many reasons a person should be happy. But as she sat on the edge of the wall she looked far from happy, and he would daresay in a place far from where they were now.
He wracked his mind. It couldn't be anger. He had seen the fire in her eyes while she felled their foes and the glazed over resignation she regarded the sky with lacked that spark.
It could not be embarrassment, either. Embarrassment was when she fell into the fountain in the square looking for money, and then spending the next few days with cold.
As he stood with two hands dangling uselessly by his sides he realised he had no idea. The compulsion to go over and say something was balanced by some kind of invisible field keeping him out… She talked about this emotion on her face so little he knew not how to deal with it.
The pawn looked between a mage and his Arisen hopelessly until his fellow myrmidon noticed and offered a wise smile "You are worried about her? Do not be. It is called sadness and my master told me once that it was a feeling that made us human. T'would do you no harm to offer comfort, though"
"But what is appropriate to say? I do not wish to-"
"Insist she did well despite the death" the woman gestured to the bodies they had been able to recover respectfully lain near the archway "Distract her. The Arisen likes coin, no? Remind her of the reward waiting upon her return! You will learn nothing if you do not try"
He did not understand so waited, expecting more answers that never came.
To learn for her sake was a worthy goal. The manta was unconvincing but he repeated it until he stood at her back.
Neither said anything for a while, letting the wind blow and somehow mock his incompetence. Eventually, she addressed her companion:
"Hello, Destrian" The Arisen sighed, patting the empty space next to her "The view from here is one to be admired, no?"
"It is… nice, yes" A sickly, burning feeling in the pit of his stomach made him wince. He couldn't name it but wished it would stop. Slowly, he placed himself at her side.
"Hm. Look—over there." She pointed with her staff at a small, yellow blot in the distance "It's Cassardis. I wonder how Adaro and Quina fare." The Arisen pulled her knees up to her chin before placing the staff back at her side. She swallowed but it sounded forced, an effort at normality.
Insist she did well despite the death.
"You did well, despite the death" Destrian then awkwardly reached over with a heavily armoured hand and patted her on the shoulder- a gesture an experienced ranger-pawn had taught him in their first visit to Gran Soren. It was meant to be comforting, he had said. That one day the warrior would need it. Although looking now…
She was laughing! Had it worked? Did he do it right? He didn't find anything humorous-
"Oh, I see. Did Alice tell you to come over here? There is no need. I am fine." She looked to him and smiled, but for once she was convincing no one.
"Even I can tell, Arisen. I… know not what ails you but…" He held out his hands uselessly "I will fight it for you"
The girl sighed again, but it was more relaxed "I realise how I do not mention sorrow often. It is not something you can engage with a blade- Mayhap you should not, even if you could."
He was unsure of how to respond, so didn't.
For a few minutes the two sat and surveyed the landscape, the Arisen pointing out places of interest every now and again with her pawn listening intently. He focused more on the expressions she was pulling and happily noted that the smiles were genuine, laughing whenever he asked questions for reasons he admittedly still didn't understand.
(Why did Madeline put that piece of paper down the front of her dress anyway? Surely it would have been easier to simply hand it over to the knight?)
Despite the distraction he had given her, the gentle giant was still mildly confused. The things she and Alice had said were cryptic. It stuck in the back of his mind and taunted him whenever they would stop talking for a moment and she looked at the plains in front of her with watery gaze.
"Arisen, may I ask you something?"
"Depends on the nature of the question."
"About what you told me earlier… the mage-pawn said that sadness was one of the things that made you human. It seems like such a negative state of mind yet… she made it sound like a good thing. I do not understand why you would wish to be sad."
The Arisen stopped fiddling with the hem of her robe to look at him, "She said that, did she? I think you misunderstood"
"If it is a good thing why is everyone not sad?" Destrian felt- what was the word for it? - exasperated. He felt as if he was missing something yet could not place it.
"While nobody wishes to be sad, we are anyway due to things that happen to us. It may be difficult to accept these things but to ignore them is irresponsible and dangerous. I believe accepting you are upset is like accepting what life gives to you. If you are never sad you are ignorant and not truly living."
"…I don't think I have ever been sad, Arisen"
"And I think you are lying! You cannot tell me you look upon humans discriminating against your people and you feel nothing. Or that you see the men by the arch that have perished so that others may live, and feel nothing for the loss." Her eyes told him many things in that moment and he felt as if he was really seeing her for the first time.
"Oh. It is a passionate, then?"
"It can be. I can also be an empty emotion and I say that type of melancholy is the worst; it is dependent on what makes you feel in the first place"
He felt he understood now and no more needed to be said. The two sat in silence until the sky grew dark and the girl could no longer look upon the sandy blot on the horizon, after which she stood up and informed their other companions it was time to leave.
"Ser Georg and Steffen should be well ahead by now. I believe I spotted a shortcut on the way up; we can use it to descend safely"
Alice offered Destrian a small smile as she stepped in behind him, mayhap as reassurance that he had at least tried when the leader of their band remained quietly inattentive when they left.
…
The climb down the stairs was solemn out of respect to the fallen and it was not until they reached the mouth of the Windworn Valley he spoke again.
"Why are you sad, Arisen?"
"I told you, Destrian. I am not."
She grabbed his back to stop the gales blowing her away before the group started walking, pitch black masking their faces.
"Then I believe you are not accepting the truth. Or, you lied to me"
For once, his Arisen had no answer.