DISCLAIMER: I don't own -man, all belong to Hoshino sensei... If it was otherwise... Lavi e Kanda should have been together from a VERY LONG TIME!
WARNING YAOI - if you don't know what this word means, or if you don't like boy/boy relationship this story is not for you, don't say I didn't tell you! You know the song, DON'T LIKE DON'T READ!
Well, this is my first attempt in translating in English some of my works, and all my thanks go to Tossino, who did the beta work for me!
And thank you so much to Seyuurabu who helped me to correct the remaining errors! XD
U.U I rephrased something that looking at the corrections I saw it was misunderstood... I hope I did it well!
8 JULY 2009 - HAPPY LAVIYU DAY TO EVERYBODY!
When the dawn is just another night
Kanda looked around, following his General and master. Their destination was the heart of enemy territory, and the samurai had no doubt the battle that awaited them would be to the death.
After the victims of Barcelona, no one had illusions about how the current war between the Exorcists and the Millennium Earl would end up, its fate was hanging by a thread, and perhaps that thread was about to break...
In fact, Kanda did not care, his life was suspended by the same thread from the beginning, and he'd always known that his time was consuming itself day after day, battle after battle. This probably will be his last.
"Better that way, one less hassle.", he thought, trying to convince himself that in the end, there was no reason to continue living that trapped and empty life.
Although, he was prisoner only of himself, because he deliberately denied any tie with the world around him.
Is it any good to forge those ties, knowing that at any moment they could break? Why let someone come so close to his heart, and then throw that person into desperation with his death?
He couldn't deny what he was: a simple weapon to destroy Akumas. Without a past and with no future, he was forced to do what he must just because he had nothing else to live for.
He looked at the leaden sky. Their destination was in sight, and the others were already fighting.
Without hesitation, he jumped into the fray, regardless of his safety, since he knew the Lotus would heal his wounds, as long as he had life strength left to feed it.
Edo was razed to the ground under his eyes, and when the smoke of the collapse dissolved, all that remained was a void. Nothingness, and the stronghold of the Earl.
The final clash was imminent and the survivors gathered, waiting for the next attack; the Japanese teen stayed away from them, watching the sky becoming more and more black.
"When the dawn is just another night, what's the point in keep fooling ourselves that the sun will rise?"
A bitter grimace appeared on Kanda's face at that thought.
Suddenly a hand lay on his shoulder, startling him.
- Yuu? - said the red-haired Exorcist with his usual fake smile. That fake smile, along with the insistent calling him by his first name, definitely worsened the samurai's mood.
- What do you want? - he said abruptly to the redhead. - Say it quickly and leave me alone. - then he fully turned to meet Lavi's gaze. His smile was gone, replaced by a deep concern.
Why had he dropped the mask?
- It 's the last battle, Yuu... And perhaps we won't survive... - he began to say, uncertain.
- So what? You are not obliged to fight it. - Kanda pointed out immediately.
- But I must. Because if there won't be a world, what's the use to remain alive?
- CHE. Why the hell are you telling that to me? - the Japanese teen was surprised to hear Lavi talking seriously with him, instead of going on with his teasing as usual.
- Yuu... Promise me you won't die. - the Bookman apprentice said suddenly gripping him by the shoulders, and Kanda was taken aback as his mind processed that absurd request.
- I can't. - he finally said, diverting his eyes.
To avoid this he hadn't wanted any ties, but Lavi had unilaterally created his personal relationship with him, and that's where they ended up. He'd let the young Bookman came too close to him, too much...
- At least promise you won't risk more than is necessary…
- Why do dramatic moments have to bring out people's damn fucking feelings? - Kanda spat out with anger, clenching the jaw and freeing himself from Lavi's hands with a stiff gesture.
- Because when we're afraid we won't see someone we consider important again, we feel the need to tell him before it's late...
- TCH, don't give me that shit! For you there's nothing important but your fucking books! - Kanda growled, exasperated by the lasting of this unpleasant conversation.
- Yuu, throw aside your mask for a moment and tell me you'll do everything you can to come back to me... - Kanda looked at Lavi coming closer again, petrified, being unable to react when Lavi's arms encircled his body.
- You are so important to me, Yuu... - the redhead whispered into Kanda's ear. - You shouldn't be, but I can't help it... - he moved aside just to look the Japanese teen in the eyes, and read fear and disbelief, but not hatred or anger…
Perhaps…
Lavi chose to risk it. He bent a little so that their faces would be the same height, then he left the Japanese youth stunned by kissing him. At first a chaste touch of lips, then, encouraged by not being yet stabbed with Mugen, he took the chance to take one of the other's lip in his own, and follow its line with the tongue.
Kanda moved in his arms, and a shiver of terror flew through Lavi's body causing him to pull back, but the samurai's hands clutched on the Uniform instead of hitting him. Kanda's breathing became irregular, and he was looking at the Bookman apprentice with eyes wide open in shock.
The redhead smiled, a true sweet smile, closing the distance between their faces again and connecting them longer this time, pinching Kanda's upper lip and shuddering at the feeling of that body adjusting against his. The Japanese teen let out a weak moan, leaving room for the other youth to deepen the kiss by sliding his tongue inside Kanda's mouth, meeting the samurai's own.
Lavi felt Kanda stiffen, but he didn't seem willing to reject him, instead Kanda gave the impression he was trying to comply, just without knowing what to do.
Kanda perceived Lavi's surprise in feeling his tongue meeting the redhead's own, and found himself responding with everything he had, although he couldn't comprehend why.
Then he understood. The bond that he'd always feared was formed long ago, and he realized it only now, with Lavi clinging to him. They parted, and the samurai reclined his head on the other's shoulder. He couldn't handle those feelings; he couldn't accept he'd come to care so damn much about someone.
- Promise me you won't die. - Lavi asked again, his voice a little more than a whisper in the other's ear. Kanda shook his head slowly: he couldn't say it. Then he lifted his eyes to look at Lavi, opening lips up and took a breath.
- I'll... return... - he forced out, but the rest remained stuck in his throat.
- It's enough, Yuu, it's enough like this... - the redhead whispered embracing him tightly. - I promise I'll come back to you at any cost, Yuu…
- I didn't ask that.
There won't be another chance.
- I know. But I wanted to tell you anyway...
- CHE.
He won't allow him to come that close again.
But when Lavi once again laid his lips on Kanda's, the resolve of a moment before wobbled, and they hardly heard the voice calling them.
- Here you are! It's time to move... Oh! What was...? - Crowley blinked to that vision, and when he reopened his eyes the two Exorcists were side by side, as if nothing had happened, their usual expression on their tired faces. Maybe it'd been just a joke of his imagination.
The two exchanged an eloquent look: if they survived, Kanda knew that the other would ask him to recognize that bond, and he simply couldn't. His expression darkened even more thinking about the consequences.
Events came to a head, the battle moved on two fronts, and they found themselves caught in the Ark running against time in order to save their lives.
Bitterly, in spite of himself, Kanda was forced at once to break the promise he'd let tear out by giving away all his vital force, and when the world began to crumble around him a terrible expression appeared on his face: he saw in his mind the Lotus, all the petals falling down.
Was he... dead? He witnessed parts of his past life passing by through his eyes, and then the world shut itself down in a black silence. Was it the end of the game? It should have been so. But, at the same time Kanda inexplicably reopened his eyes, finding the place he'd seen destroyed intact again. He'd survived, he didn't know how come, but he was alive. He asked himself if he had to be glad for it, or else...
Surprise showed on his features the Japanese youth looked around, getting to his feet and starting to walk towards the door that shouldn't be there anymore, but it was again. If he was there alive, everyone else should be as well, so he had to start looking around.
Then Kanda reached the others. Lavi was also fine, and immediately ran to him just as the samurai come out of the last door, shouting his name; but he didn't react, nor moved, even if he wanted as much as the other that embrace. He met the gaze of the young Bookman, and knew that it had already started: a quick glance, and they read each other's unexpressed thoughts.
The two of them had always comprehended each other immediately, and now it was worse, because Lavi allowed him to read his true feelings.
And it was painful.
Each morning, awakening brought with itself that thin sense of impotence when his first thought went to the redhead, and Kanda immediately felt that familiar languor invading him, burning. He wanted to accept Lavi's feelings, but he knew that both of them could leave at any moment, there was no future for them together.
He couldn't decide whether living with the unceasing thought he could lose Lavi at any moment would be worse than not having him by his side at all, and this constant struggle with himself was consuming Kanda.
Since they returned to Headquarters he didn't have any chance to be alone with Lavi, but he had no doubt that the other would try talking to him sooner or later. So, he decided to leave the infirmary using an excuse, and the apprentice Bookman went with him as expected.
- Yuu. It seems we survived... - the redhead began to say as soon as they were alone in the dark corridor.
- Right. - Kanda admitted. - So what?
- I love you, Yuu. - Lavi confessed frankly.
- I don't think we should continue this conversation. - cut short the Japanese male, his face dark with grief.
- Yuu... I thought you... - Bookman Jr. felt the ground missing under his feet.
- No. It was only an evaluation error. Just forget about me, it's the best thing for both of us. - Kanda said coldly and turned to leave, intending to end the discussion at that.
- Why did you regret it? - Lavi said nearly desperate, grasping the youth's arm.
- Do. Not. Touch. Me. - the samurai hissed, freeing badly from Lavi's grip.
Because, if you even just graze me, I know I'll lose the battle against myself.
- Yuu, I...
- It's not possible, Lavi, neither for me nor for you, you should realize it yourself.
My life is bound to the petals of a flower, I'd leave you alone...
Lavi bent his head, letting Kanda depart from him.
For days Lavi hadn't even the strength to meet the other boy, forcing himself to focus only on the tasks Bookman entrusted him. Then, with the usual fake smile plastered on his face he started again to walk along the Order's corridors. That playful grin shone for everyone, but his gaze was empty.
Kanda on the other hand, had resumed his daily routine, just adding that particular grief to the list of things with which he was forced to live in order to move forward.
He was determined to keep distance with Lavi, but the redhead didn't come to him anymore. He was just... Kanda didn't know, Lavi just looked at him with a shadow of desire he never known the other could show. He masked it too well, playing around with moyashi and Lenalee, even with Crowley or Miranda, but each time, each fucking time Lavi looked at him, Kanda felt himself shudder under that burning gaze, full of love, sadness and desire.
After that, one day, while he was eating, Lenalee went up to him with a really worried look.
- Kanda-kun, did you see Lavi? - the samurai shook his head.
- He'll be with Bookman.
- No... He's looking for Lavi too, no one has seen him since yesterday evening.
A strange chill seeped along Kanda's body, and fear clenched his heart. What could have happened? Lavi was not the type to disappear like this...
- I'll help you look. - he said simply, trying not to betray his concern from the voice's tone.
- We looked everywhere... - Lenalee murmured with a trembling voice, her hands lightly shaking as she tightened the grip on her usual folder.
- Do it again. I'll do it too, starting from his room. Maybe you missed something.
The room was empty, as Lenalee told him, but on the small desk there was an open book. Kanda went up to look at it: all around it there was a strange white powder. Intrigued, he began to read, and after a few lines his face went pale. The name of that stuff was meaningless to him, but from the description he had a really bad feeling about it. If Lavi had done it... Where should he'd gone? Where... Of course, where no one would have ever tried to look.
He ran away, hoping to have guessed right, heading to the place in the forest where he loved to train, ignoring the voices of people calling him.
He'd never took so short a time to reach the small clearing, and when he saw the locks of red hair sticking out from behind a tree he gave out a sigh of relief, that turned into an horrified exclamation at the sight he found in front of him: Lavi was lying sat on the grass, draped against the trunk, his head tilted in an unnatural position, eye opened wide and lips black.
That fucking idiot, he really poisoned himself!
Kanda touched the redhead's neck: it was pulsing. Maybe he was still in time... He took Lavi in his arms without standing on ceremony, and ran desperately toward the Tower, avoiding all those who step aside uttering an irritant "What happened?"
- Call Komui! - he shouted while directed to the infirmary.
After entrusting Lavi to the care of the head nurse, Kanda waited for Komui - who had come immediately - to visit him, and then he asked the man for news.
- How is he? - questioned Kanda, trying to keep a flat tone of voice.
- It seems he has an intoxication due to something very powerful. - the man said, worried. - But we can't identify the source.
- Does the name 'Cantarella' means anything to you? - if what he had read was true, maybe...
- Oh. It's an ancient poison that dates back to Roman age, I seem to remember that Bookman was studying it... - suddenly he realized the implications of the thing. - Wait, are you saying that he got himself poisoned with that?
- If it's a white powder, yes. The book in his room where I read this name was covered in it.
- But why? It doesn't make sense! - Komui fussed, making wide gestures with his arms.
- I don't know, - Kanda lied shamelessly - a tragic mistake? We are talking about an idiot... - he then added, trying to be sarcastic.
- Hum. I hope the antidote will take effect, you've found him really late... - the Supervisor muttered fumbling with the medicine cabinet, and Kanda sighed.
- I'll stay with him until he wakes up. - the samurai sat beside the bed, without waiting for permission, and Komui shot him a surprised look, but made no objections.
Lavi opened his only eye, fixing his gaze on the the white ceiling above him, surprised: that was definitely not his room, and even worse, he was alive...
- It is about time you woke up, Baka Usagi... - a voice growled beside him, making him startle.
- Oh, Y-Yuu... It seems that I survived...
- TCH... What on earth got into you? - the irony in Lavi's words made him snap, and Kanda almost shouted against the redhead.
The youth cast him a sad look.
- I couldn't imagine having to live without you... Yuu.
- You, fucking idiot! - Kanda shouted. - And so you would have left ME to live without you?
- Yuu... - for a moment Lavi stared speechless, then embraced the long haired youth almost dragging him into the bed with the movement.
- Moron... Let go of me! Now! - the samurai ordered, struggling.
- No.
- Lavi...
- Promise that you won't leave me. - the Bookman apprentice face became serious.
- I can't, and you know it. - Kanda said in a bitter tone.
- Then tell me we'll be together until it will be possible. - insisted the other. - I don't care how short it could be, just to be with you.
- Lavi... Are you really sure you want to risk such a thing? None of us can have a normal life.
- I know, but... there's always a possibility...
- They'll find out. Bookman will understand once he sees you.
- Well, they all will have to get used to it, including the old panda. This war won't end, and he can't take me away from here while we are still Exorcists. In any case, I will refuse. - Kanda shook his head, resigned.
- I'll leave you.
- When that happens, I'll leave with you. - declared Lavi staring at the Japanese teen with a desperate light in his green eye.
- You know what I was meaning too well to joke! - Kanda retorted in an angry tone.
- I meant the same. - the redhead stated firmly.
- Stubborn as a mule...
- Look who's talking... - Lavi retorted, pouting.
- Fine. Let's try. But we'll talk again about it when the high leadership of the Church condemns us together to the stake. - Lavi laughed, placing a kiss on Kanda's lips.
- In that case, I'll die happy. - he looked at Kanda intensely, then joined their foreheads. - The only important thing is that you'll be with me.
The samurai sighed, he couldn't win with him, could he?
- Just think about healing now. - he muttered trying to hide the tremor in his voice.
Maybe, Lavi was his ray of light in the darkness that had always wrapped him.
Maybe, they would always live in fear for tomorrow.
Maybe, one day they would be separated and locked up, accused of heresy...
Maybe.
What was certain for Kanda, was that his life from now on wouldn't be changing so much after all: he'd just have had to learn living with another subtle pain.