Think Fast and Act Faster
"That will never be me."
He notices sometimes, but usually when it's too late. As an afterthought, another mistake to apologize for. He doesn't consider it often but he's had to more and more as time goes on. With his parents, with Daphne, with Matthew. With Bay. Bay who has forgiven and accepted him more times than he can count- more so than anyone else ever has.
But it's hitting home now, too prevalent to ignore, too influencing to write off. The anger. The blood boiling seething that creeps from the depths of his soul and takes over. The rage held inside until all hell breaks loose.
"There is no forgiving you for this."
It comes and goes he's decided. He's accepted. Anger and sadness, up and down, going it alone … From a young age he's learned to think fast and act faster. There is no time to contemplate decisions, to distinguish between rationality and rashness. It just is. From age eight he's reduced himself to this. And he worries the damage is irreversible.
"You can't stand that I'm happy with someone else."
He's run before and he'll probably run again. Back out, hide, escape. They're everyday terms in his vocabulary. He ran from his parents' battles, hid from Bay's assault, escaped from Daphne's feelings. Leave before you get hurt. Leave before you get hurt again. He sees the rage build but it's not anger he runs from. It's fear. Deaf and hearing, can they ever work? Long distance, can they make it? Together but not, can they survive another loss? He doesn't know. All he knows is that the world is falling apart around him and the uncertainty of it all traps him in a never-ending cycle of blood curdling fear.
"Why would you do that behind my back?"
His parents. It all began with his parents. At least, as far as he can recall. Melody and Cameron thought they hid it well, the broken smiles and the cutthroat words. But their son is perceptive. He saw what he shouldn't and heard what was meant to stay hidden. The night his father came home, smelling of a different perfume, a slight stain of smeared lipstick on his untucked shirt. His mother's silent sobs. The heartbreak behind the rage: "You destroyed this family. You tore it apart."
He saw much but couldn't say a thing. Couldn't until his blood turned ashen with the death of a marriage, a family, a healthy home. And the point came when he needed a release. It was now or never. He began to speak without thinking no matter the consequences. He needed to act quickly to get a word in edgewise. He needed to forgo the consequences to be heard at all. Think fast and act faster.
"Then I'll see you around."
He didn't ask for a broken home or a switched up romance. It was never in the plans. With every obstacle faced, he began to revert back to his flight or fight instincts. Get the hell out of dodge before things become too much to handle. Before, piece by piece, your very existence is chipped away. When things become too emotional- emotional in a way he can't control. Bay moving on with Noah or Ty. Daphne drifting from their friendship, albeit not intentionally. Bay kissing him only to bring up their troubled past; one he knows is unforgivable no matter how much he craves their reconciliation. It's more than protection, it's the only way to survive.
"Save me. Please save me. Save me from the monster I've become. The emotionless, the angry, the practical."
Give him love and safety; give him warmth and comfort. Give him the one thing he can never let go. Ebony locks running through his fingers and kisses peppered on his neck. Tender smiles passed his way and hands speaking the only language he's ever known.
He's not perfect but neither is she. He may be broken … They may be broken. But they're broken together. Fitting together, jagged edge by jagged edge, until there are no more gaping wounds. He may be angry; he may be hurt. He can't express the fear he's known for so long. But he doesn't want to hide behind it anymore.
The fights and the battles aren't him or who he wanted to be. There is no room for them in the man he's becoming. For her, he needs to change. For her, he wants to change. She was never the problem- she was just caught in the crosshairs. But that doesn't mean she isn't the solution. Together they can mend. Together he can heal. Together he is finally whole.