AN: Just some more fluff. Thanks to all those checking out these recent stories. Lovely to see some old names pop up!
If
Such a little word.
Such enormous ramifications.
The whole thing really didn't warrant losing sleep over and yet it was all Olivia could focus on.
If.
That's what her partner had said. Not when, but if. Shaking her head again, Olivia tried to clear her thoughts, realised it wasn't going to happen and surrendered to the swirl of thoughts and emotions.
It had been an innocuous after work drink at McMahon's that had triggered this situation; tucked in a cosy booth in the back corner sharing a beer or three, Olivia had asked Elliot about how his kids were doing with the separation.
"They're okay," he replied, playing with his coaster. "Handled it well. Guess I was already an absent parent so my actual residential address was just a formality," he added, his eyes downcast.
"Have they been to the new place?" Olivia probed, watching him intently.
"Maureen has … she has stayed a few nights but that's more for convenience," he answered, "Others haven't had the time … or been bothered."
"Guess they're at an age where hanging out at the folks just isn't cool," Olivia tried to console him.
"Guess," he muttered, playing with his glass.
"How's Kathy?" she ventured quietly.
"Okay," he replied. "Then again, it was her idea so I guess she had longer to get her head around it … again."
The last time Elliot and Kathy had separated, one night of sex had led to Eli which had led to a reconciliation. This time Eli was 3 and Elliot knew nothing had changed since their first parting. Both parties knew. They had been living the happy family charade for the sake of the young boy and Kathy had been the one to call it, leaving Elliot saddened and relieved in equal parts.
A few beers later, and once the topics of weather and sport had been covered, Olivia tentatively stepped into the realm of their future.
"Noticed you have leave for Christmas and the New Year," Olivia said, swirling the beer in her glass.
"Yeah," he said, waving to the bartender and ordering a couple of whiskies. "But Kathy's taking the kids to Florida. Her mom hasn't been well…so, you know … last Christmas, last chance and all." He was immensely disappointed but couldn't begrudge Kathy a final Christmas with her kids and her mom.
"You gonna cancel it?" she asked, swapping the empty beer glass for the whiskey one.
"Thought of it…then thought maybe take it…clear my head…" he rambled, his eyes on the table. "But then I don't know if I could stand two weeks alone with myself. I hear I can be pretty hard to live with," he added with a chuckle.
"Yeah," Olivia agreed. "But I've managed to put up with you all these years."
"Yeah, 'bout that," Elliot drawled and his eyes finally met Olivia's. "There's something we need to talk about…"
"Yeah?" she asked, her heart accelerating and her thoughts swirling.
"Yeah," he said with a nod. "Have been thinking for a while that things need to change … home … work … you know."
"Aha," was all Olivia could manage.
"And, well, home kinda took care of itself," he continued before emptying his glass in one gulp.
"And work?" she prompted quietly.
"I'm thinking that needs to change…I need to change it," he said just as quietly, glancing at her.
"Yeah?" she questioned unsure of what to say.
"Would you be… how would it be…" he started but couldn't find the right sequence of words. "I mean, I know I don't need your permission but I've kinda been thinking that if I was to go back to SVU after my leave…"
While Elliot had continued to talk, Olivia fixated on the 'if' and all else was lost.
Now, four hours later, three since she had climbed into her bed, her head was still a mess. What the hell did he mean 'if' he was to come back? Deciding to end the torment she picked up her cell, ignored the time and texted him.
'IF you were to go back to SVU? What the HELL? You meant when, right?'
There were a few moments of nothingness before the reply came.
'If. Meant it. Said it.'
Olivia couldn't think of an appropriate reply.
'Did you hear the rest of it' he continued 'or were you as checked out as you looked?'
'I heard' she replied quickly and then reconsidered. 'Actually…can't say I remember of the rest of the convo.'
'Didn't think so. I said IF I was to come back would you be okay with swapping partners, you could choose first, Munch or Fin.'
There was no reply for several minutes before three came in rapid succession.
'Why?'
'Something I did?'
'You really want Fin or Munch over me?'
Elliot laughed before texting back just as quickly.
'Stop!'
'Breathe!'
'I'll be there in 20.'
The moment the elevator doors open, Olivia pulled open her front door. The 20 minutes doing nothing to calm her.
"Firstly," Elliot said, dropping his jacket on her sofa. "I would never want Munch or Fin over you and had you listened in McMahon's I told you that." Olivia's brow furrowed. "Secondly, it was something you did," he continued. "I told you that too. I've always found in hard to be your partner…can't help myself putting you first and everything else second…that's dangerous for both of us. Understand?" Olivia just nodded.
Moving to stand in front of her, Elliot held Olivia's hands in his before stepping closer. "Thirdly, and this is something I didn't say earlier," he continued in a soft rumble. "I really want to explore this thing between you and me … can't do that working alongside you."
"Wow!" Olivia muttered, her chocolate eyes locked onto his blue ones.
"Thought maybe," he continued, peppering kisses along her cheek. "That you might consider taking vacation time with me…we could go somewhere warm…sand … sea…not a snowflake in sight."
"Sounds tempting…" she replied as she tilted her head to the side to give him greater access.
"Private villa … no one else … just me … you … and …" his voice trailed as he nibbled on her ear.
"And…" she prompted as she buckled his pants.
"And anything you want," he said brushing his lips across hers.
Stepping back, Olivia took a deep breath, here was her partner putting everything on the line. Something she had never imagined happening in a million years. "What I want…" she said slowly and Elliot nodded. "Is you not to use 'if' again…"
"And what would you prefer?" he questioned, stepping up to her once more.
"When…" she said, stepping into him.
"Okay," he agreed, placing a chaste kiss on her lips. "When… As in when we make love … when we go on vacation …when we get married … when we have a family …"
"One thing at a time," she said grinning. "Let's start with the first one…"
Olivia smiled broadly; things sounded so much better with 'when'.