Title: Coming to Our Senses
Author: Summer Reign
Rating: T
Spoilers: Everything and then some
Disclaimer: It all belongs to the creator who, along with some friends, saved the day.
Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.
Lao Tzu
Young Gilbert Grissom was a strange child. That designation was pretty much a given when he would speak (shyly, softly) while his hands were making odd little motions to accompany his words.
The teacher would come up and remind him he didn't have to do it at school, and he'd sometimes have to sit on his hands to keep from automatic signing.
And the kids, as kids do, learned very quickly that it was fun to make fun of others. You became instant friends with the "cool" kids, who were above all kinds of nonsense like strange gesturing, having an unnatural attachment to the class froggy and wincing when the noise level in the room increased at playtime.
Gilbert didn't care if they laughed at him. Truly. He would gravitate toward the tank where they kept the class pet and imagine all kinds of adventures they could find themselves in. He thought it might be nice to be a frog. If you got tired of the other frogs, you'd just leap on over to your own lily pad for one.
He always had his active mind to keep himself company. And, at home, Mom and Dad. In a nice, quiet house.
That's all he needed, really.
Soon, after getting no reaction from their victim, the "cool" kids found someone else to pick on.
And ignored Gilbert…pretty much for the next two decades.
XXXXX
Ecklie.
She should have known. Even while considering her for the position of lab director, he couldn't help himself. He had to look for someone else. Someone he considered better, wiser, smarter…
Someone like her ex-husband.
That title still gave her a pain in the gut.
Grissom would be there before the end of shift. If such a thing as normal work hours ever existed under these circumstances.
She looked down at herself: jeans, her black striped shirt. Yeah. Appropriate for the job, but…
She sighed. There was nothing there, anymore. Just a shared history and a paper saying they were done.
So what if she looked like a modern-day prisoner in her stripes? It's not like he was coming to Vegas for her. Still, she went to the ladies room and put on a little lipstick. Never hurt to gild the lily a little. Especially when she was competing with the gildiest "lily" of the bunch. Sara smirked at the thought. No, maybe a black iris dipped in goat's blood was a more appropriate description for "Lady" Heather.
And yet, the men—even the smartest among them—flocked toward Vegas' own humorless Elvira in droves.
Sara left the ladies room and all thoughts stopped for a moment. There he was.
Gil Grissom.
Looking a bit…lost.
And then looking happy, uncomfortable and relieved—all at the same time.
Before they said a word…she could swear there was a whiff of the ocean coming from him. He smelled like…life.
Not even 60 seconds since she saw him again and her imagination was working overtime.
It was going to be a very long case.
XXXXX
The one thing Gilbert Grissom did, once he passed childhood, was introduce himself as "Gil." Gilbert was too…nerdy.
Oh, he knew he was a nerd, alright, but it didn't seem appropriate to announce that fact before he even had a chance to speak with someone.
Gil…was better.
But, Gil was still Gilbert, at heart. He no longer did the automatic signing or the search for frog playmates. But, he still liked his own company way too much and was perfectly content with little to no human contact.
And, as an adult, he found it far less painful.
Spend any amount of time around people, you get your heart broke.
Well, until Sara. Although,he seemed to be the inadvertent heartbreaker, for a while, in their relationship. Grissom found that thought…beyond strange. Not only that he managed to hurt her, on occasion, but the fact that she cared enough to be hurt by something he did or said. He had rarely met a woman who was willing to put up with his quirks, and never met one willing to put up with them this long..
She did break his heart a few times. Yes. She did.
There was the paramedic. Although,he could hardly blame her when he practically pushed her into his arms.
Then, there were the times when…she left.
But, there were extenuating circumstances that prompted her departures.
The thing was…as he once told Catherine…he just wanted her to be happy. Above all else.
And, he really couldn't tell if she was happy now, or not.
She was beautiful, though. That woman, he wanted to tell the world, that woman once loved me enough to marry me. That woman…my wife…gave me…everything.
And…
Better not go there. She really didn't take it away from him. She just didn't want to take what she felt she offered to the crime victims of Vegas away from them. To her, it was her mission in life to help them find peace. Commendable,really. Unless you were the one left alone when you no longer wanted to live that way.
Besides, he was equally to blame. He rolled the dice and lost.
The fact was, he could have come clean. He missed her terribly. He wanted her back. He wanted her away from Vegas because he knew her personality and knew the job would eventually kill her and someone would make that phone call because, really, she had no one else, and he'd have to…say goodbye in a way that would kill him, too.
So, he decided to offer her an option she surely couldn't refuse. He carefully selected this organization. She had lived on a boat once. A boat with a mission. She'd…love it. And, of course, the work would be scientifically and morally satisfying to him, as well.
Except…she wasn't going anywhere.
And, then, in a truly brilliant move, the eminent Dr. Grissom, who really did have a remarkable knowledge of the English language (as long as he wasn't addressing his wife in emotionally-charged moments), decided to use a phrase that had been oh-so-effective in the past. He used the one about relationships in stasis.
And, he pretty much got the same reaction, long-distance.
She hung up on him. And it all went downhill from there. The static relationship between two suddenly stubborn people finally moved...In the completely wrong direction.
Not the reaction he wanted. Not the outcome he wanted. He just…didn't know what to do. Take it back? Go join her so he could watch her destruction up close? Go caveman and throw her over his shoulder? She was too tall and in better shape than he was. It would never work. He was lost in a sea of seemingly futile possibilities so he chose…to lose the best thing that ever happened to him. He supposed, if he was completely honest with himself, he hoped hat the decision to divorce would somehow shock her into holding onto their marriage. Getting that fighting spirit pointed in his direction. Yes, hope was funny that way.
Sara was driving and going on about the case and the details and he was taking them all in but not responding.
Because, pretty much all he could think of was…I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy. We were happy. Why can't we be happy again?
Oh, yeah. That's right.
We're done.
XXXXX
Act natural. Nothing is wrong. Tons of people get divorced and some who don't, who didn't…should have.
And it's not like there were any huge fights or nasty negotiations. She would have none of that. There had been too much yelling and fighting in her life for her to bring that into her marriage. Even as it was ending. Two signatures and … poof. Over a decade of her life…negated. All because he wanted her to leave t he lab. And, really, she didn't even know why she couldn't or wouldn't. She felt she had been forced to, before. Because of Natalie.
There had been no "natural" decision to move on. Not like the one Grissom had. So, she had a few things to prove to herself, initially. And then, well…the crime lab was her quick sand. Sucked her in and she just couldn't get out.
And it wasn't like he hated the job and couldn't return. He had loved it. He only gave it up for her…
Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he was ready. Maybe he just thought…hey, while I'm giving up one thing, let's look old Sara up. She's always willing to be with me, as long as it's away from Vegas.
God, she was feeling bitter. She'd get over it. Once the awkwardness passed.
Awkward meeting. Awkwardness in DB's office. How could he forget who DB was? That man. Could quote entire passages from nearly every Shakespeare play and forgot Russell's first name. Well, initials. Or, maybe he just never paid enough attention to what she was saying on the phone. Probably thinking about his next conversation with Whip and Chill Heather.
She had to stop that, too. Yup. She would. They were professionals. They could do this.
Sara thought maybe she could broach the subject in the car on the way to the former-Dominion.
Except for the fact that she was going on like Chatty Cathy and Grissom…didn't utter a word.
Sara got out of the car. God, the sun was bright. It hurt her eyes. Even her sunglasses didn't seem to help. Sara went up the porch steps. Called Grissom on his silent treatment in the car and got pissed off by the same type of thing that used to make her smile. He "thought they were talking". In what universe.? His living in his own little world wasn't quite as endearing as it once was.
But, that wasn't her problem anymore.
She ignored the next sharp pain in her gut and got down to work. And it was immediate work. Damn fool woman- probably got herself killed, judging by the blood. Or, else, she had one rollicking good time, given her own sordid standards.
If Heather was alive, though, however long it took, Sara would give her all to get that woman's ass in jail. She only hoped she'd accomplish this without hating Grissom at the end.
XXXXX
She didn't hate Grissom.
Not even a little.
Well, maybe just a scootch. But, only because he managed to tap into something she was trying so hard to ignore: feelings.
You had to hand it to old "Doc" Kessler, all right. Cool as a cucumber. People getting blown up—seemingly at her behest, and she's just…Heather.
While Sara…was just one big open wound…showing all her emotions at the drop of a hat. And not even caring about who was around to witness them.
Let's see…jealousy, anger, rage, jealousy…
Oh, yeah, she said that already.
You could feel things but you shouldn't show it. She thought life taught her how to do that. She was wrong.
Heather…was the problem. Or, maybe not.
Sara thought she had reached a stage where she chose to remember only the good times in her marriage to Grissom, and put aside…the weird, unexpected ending to their particular love affair. She thought the resentment was done. She was wrong. She couldn't believe he would come back and work so tirelessly for a woman who spent most of her time trying to "enchant" him with her all-wise, I-KNOW-the-real- you dog and pony show.
Heather had spent half her "career" indulging people with masochistic tendencies, only to turn around, become a "doctor" in about five minutes and make these self-same people her patients after suggesting they were, in some ways, "sick."
How could anyone, much less Grissom, not see what was wrong with that?
But, while she would love to put Grissom way back up on the pedestal she had him on for most of their time together—at the end of the day, he was a man. And, he was prone to defending those he felt had some soft core of neediness that they hid from everyone but him.
Dope.
The big, bee-whispering dope. She had known it before, but the minute she found out Gil might be the bomber's real target, it was confirmed. And when she saw him talking to those bees…
She loved him so much. Still.
And her biggest fear was that everyone knew.
Except, perhaps, Grissom.
XXXXX
She had changed in the last few hours of this impossibly long day. They seemed to turn a corner of sorts.
He thought, maybe, she still loved him. Just a little. Or enough to still be really jealous.
He always thought it was ridiculous that people would be flattered by someone else's jealousy. After all, there were different relationships in one's life and different roles people played. Meant nothing to the relationship at hand.
But, then he remembered Hank. The paramedic. Not the pre-named dog he picked up at the shelter. May he rest in peace. Such a good dog. He missed him.
But, Hank the paramedic brought out a side of Grissom he didn't even know existed.. And he remembered wanting to hurt Sara the way he, himself, was hurting. Sent her on that dreadful case. All because the dirty dog (the paramedic, not the boxer) took her to a vineyard on her day off.
He should apologize for that. Tell Sara that he and Heather were friends…nothing more. He did admire her resilience and survival instincts but…he admired the same about Sara. But, that was the only thing they had in common. He didn't love Heather. He loved Sara.
He should tell her.
"Maybe we should get married."
Somehow, on a beautiful day, just like this one, in the presence of bees, he had the nerve to utter those words.
Of course, he kind of thought he was in danger of passing out right after but he got distracted by Sara's bee sting and … then he had to know. He just had to know her answer.
He sort of asked again.
Happiest day of his life up until then.
With many more to follow.
Yeah.
He should tell her. He loved her. He missed her. He wanted her back. Maybe he'd just go crazy and propose again. Or not.
He was almost, almost ready. Just getting the words in order in his head.
Then…
Damn bee.
XXXXX
"I don't even have to turn around…"
Gil Grissom.
She sat out there, after painting bees, knowing he was watching her. She could practically feel his eyes burning a hole in her back and he was shifting around in his chair.
He would have to start the conversation this time. If he wanted to.
She didn't want to mess anything up and…frankly…in spite of what they were doing, she wanted to remember this moment, always. The moment when she felt both more alive, yet more at peace, than she had in years.
The bright sunshine. The wide-open, cloudless sky. The crazy multi-colored bees and the smell of the nectar that Grissom so painstakingly prepared for them. The feel of his arm brushing against hers while they worked. Those blue, blue eyes that touched her soul. That voice.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, she'd almost forget exactly what that voice sounded like. And she'd Youtube his name just to listen to some dry entomology course he'd given many years before and then she'd sob for a while. Just because…sometimes Sara needed a good cry.
She took a sip of her coffee. Even that tasted better outdoors. In the sun.
He'd be gone soon and she'd be back to her normal life.
She could tell herself that she really needed some light in that life, as she had many years before, but…even if her intentions were good, her follow-through just faded away when life (i.e., work) got in the way.
So, no. She wouldn't seek heart to heart conversations. She wouldn't seek anything he wasn't willing—or able—to give.
She loved him too much for that.
She would just enjoy the moment.
Until the bees came back.
And just then…orange was back.
XXXXX
He was proud.
How could he not be? The student becomes…the master. Mistress. Well, perhaps he better not refer to her that way, he thought with a wry smile.
His Sara: Lab Director.
Taking pictures and schmoozing with Ecklie.
It was…a big step in her life.
But, as much as he believed in her, he knew the day to day tribulations of supervising might present more of a challenge than she imagined. He was not a political person and she was…even less of one.
But, it was her moment and she'd have to come to those realizations herself.
She came over. He congratulated her. He had put on a shirt he knew she really liked. She had a thing for his forearms. And, he was going to find that moment. That one moment when he would tell her just how much she meant—and means—to him. If nothing else, he owed her that much.
But, there was a strange look on her face —kind of a cross between expectation and dread-and he shifted plans. Now, he was determined to tell her that he could-and would- live in Vegas again. With her. Maybe not work at the lab but he didn't have to work out those details yet.
He was thinking too hard and speaking…not at all…and she did what she always did. She let him off the hook and left with an extremely confusing "I hope you find what you are looking for" and a swift "Goodbye, Gil."
And…NOW …they were done. Because maybe she let him off the hook, or maybe she was just tired of his hemming and hawing.
Once more, strange Gilbert struck again. Only this time, the lily pad for one seemed very, very lonely.
He would miss her. Every day, for the rest of his life.
XXXX
She woke up to waves lapping against the shore, snoring, and…silence. Odd how the silence could compete with those rather loud, though soothing, sounds.
They hadn't said much in the last few hours. Sara often wondered about that. She had a theory she accepted as fact for most of her years with Grissom , but pretty much put aside when he returned and "thought they had been talking," in the car. Anger pushed it aside and she wanted to believe he was just being his usual, closed-up, non-communicative self. But, in many ways, a good number of conversations he seemed to have were those in his own head. She theorized that a child of a deaf woman might live a good portion of his "speaking" life in his imagination. Or with things that didn't throw him for a loop by asking a question or making a comment.
Or maybe he was just a closed-up, non-communicative person.
It was hard to tell with him.
All she knew was, this time, when she saw him again after foolishly saying goodbye, few words were needed.
So, few words were spoken.
XXXXX
He was dreaming. Or thinking in his sleep. Kept believing that Sara was there. He didn't open his eyes but…yes, he knew she was there.
Still, just in case, he was keeping this "dream" to himself for just a little while longer.
He had been moving around on the dock. It was good to keep moving when you felt like curling up in a fetal position and giving in. Depression had pretty much set in when he left the lab. He was saying the right things to himself. He was happy for her. Of course he was. But, that dark feeling of dread was touching his soul. So, he threw himself into working on getting the boat ready and was just about to hit the high seas when…there she was. Kind of slowly coming at him. Very slowly.
With a smile on her face.
He knew that smile. It was the "I'm content, I'm happy…isn't that a kick in the head?" smile.
And, though he couldn't believe it, it was true.
She left everything for him.
This beautiful woman who became even more impossibly beautiful out there in the open…with the sun shining on her face, her hair…left everything for him.
Somewhere, young Gilbert was doing a funky little happy dance. He got the girl. The one girl in this world who loved him just as he was. Maybe because of the way he was.
Wasn't that a kick in the head?
XXXXX
She got up and went to the bathroom, pulling a robe out of Grissom's closet on the way. They had a nice long sunset boat ride almost out to the middle of nowhere when they decided to come back to his apartment in San Diego for the sake of comfort (the bed on his boat was a twin) and decency (she didn't bring anything but the clothes on her back). The condo was right by the water. In fact, it had French doors leading out to a balcony overlooking the pier. It was lovely.
Sara was so tired. But absolutely couldn't sleep.
The day was…beyond anything she could have imagined.
First, she was given the job she applied for, but didn't really expect to receive. First, Ecklie would have a large role in the decision, and they hadn't always seen eye-to-eye. And second, well, people knew how single-minded she could get. Even she wasn't sure she was the perfect fit. But, work was the one major constant in her life. There was never any lack of diabolical criminals out there. It was somehow easier to solve the crime than deal with relationships—which were, in her experience, temporary. No matter how earnest the vows.
Then, she had to say goodbye, forever, to the man she had earnestly recited those vows to.
And then…the snow globe of life got kicked off the table and everything changed.
She got out of that cab in San Diego and pulled off the shades.
She didn't need the darkness anymore. The light didn't hurt. He still loved her. He told her main rival just that. Not sure why he did that but…she didn't care. Because, all of a sudden, the choice to leave the lab was simple. It didn't have a hold on her anymore. There were wonderful, trained people who, perhaps, weren't quite as emotionally attached as she had been, but every bit as proficient and committed. It was their turn now.
Because Sara had a second chance to make a "selfish" choice. One that wasn't tainted by post-traumatic stress or anything else. Be content doing a good job (that others could, and would, do) or making both herself and the man she loved happy by fully embracing the fact that being with the guy, who loved whale stories and got stuck on physics clues in genius- level crosswords, was her biggest chance of really living a life and being happy.
By the time she got out of the cab, the last few years seemed like a very distant memory
And there he was: her past, her present and her future.
She didn't have to run. She didn't have to say much of anything.
They both knew.
They knew what idiots they had both been. And how each would sacrifice their happiness for the other—only to find out that, had they actually committed to talking things through, neither one of them was happy with life as it was.
And they both knew—life was beginning again.
She pulled the edges of Grissom's robe tighter around her narrow frame. Grissom had done some laundry recently. That much was obvious and Sara was grateful. Tide, she thought. The original scent.
She got back in his bed and snuggled just a bit closer to him. Her human space heater. He looked so tired. But, peaceful.
There still had been few words but…there may have been some tears. Maybe even a great number. Neither one would admit it but, when they found themselves, naked and sweaty and in each other's arms once again, she felt his tears on her shoulder and she was pretty sure he felt hers on his.
The day…was so profound.
And so right.
"Sara?" Grissom said, breaking the silence.
"I'm awake."
"Shocker," he said, mimicking her own words. "I just wanted to say…I was going to tell you I would move to Vegas, if you wanted me to. Back in the hallway of the lab."
She sat up and looked at him. "I kind of jumped to the conclusion that you were trying to say goodbye."
"I know," he said, shrugging. "I've been thinking a lot about this. About, floundering for words. No pun intended…but, duly noted. I just…words…spoken words…were almost superfluous in my early life. Our house was pretty quiet, as you can imagine. My father was a man of few words, too. And, yet, I loved the written word. But, actually speaking was intimidating,. Because being some smooth-talking guy…is just not who I am."
"It doesn't matter to me."
"Well, it does to me. Especially when it's led to so many misunderstandings between us. But, I just wanted to let you know that the offer is still on the table, if you want to go back to the lab."
"No," she said. "I'm ready for something new."
"You're sure?" he asked. "I don't want you to end up hating me."
"Gil, I tried…very hard … to do just that. It would have made life easier. But, I realized-it's just not going to happen."
She leaned forward and planted a kiss on his fuzzy cheek.
"I'm not sure that I will ever get over the fact that you walked out of the lab and went straight to the airport without bringing anything. Not that I'm complaining…"
"I didn't want you to take off without me. I never asked you where you were going so following you would have been difficult…but, I would have done it. Hopefully, before one of those female ocean vigilantes sunk her hook in you. Pun totally intended."
He leaned up on one elbow and looked at her, smiling.
"I wouldn't have been interested."
"You might. I mean, you thought we were over forever."
"No. I wouldn't. I was never looking for another woman."
She looked in his eyes and found herself on the verge of tears again.
Shit. She had become used to denying her feelings. And his. Not confronting all of them at once.
She climbed out of bed and went to get her purse.
"What are you doing?" Grissom asked.
"I picked up something for both of us in the airport."
She got her purse and pulled out a book and laid it on the bed, then climbed in so it was between the two of them.
"A thesaurus" Grissom said. "I'm pretty sure I have one"
"You probably do but this is the latest edition."
"And we need this because…"
"Well, to help us with our crosswords but also… to sometimes find those pesky words, when we are stuck…on a personal level. We don't always have to say them. We could just stick them in 57 across or something."
He laughed and picked up the book and searched for a page.
He showed it to her.
"I think…this may be the only word that really matters," he said, and gave her the book, pointing out the word, "together" and all its synonyms.
Now she knew she was tearing up. Again. She definitely needed some sleep or that sob-fest would arrive the minute he started the bug portion of their conversation. And, surely, that would come…given her thorough knowledge of the man.
"Sara…there's something else."
Uh, oh. That couldn't be good.
"What?" she said and her voice almost squeaked. He looked so sheepishly serious.
"I think…maybe we should get married…again."
She laughed, more out of relief and giddiness than anything else. "We haven't been together for even 24 hours!"
"You think it's too soon? You need time for me to court you?"
She pressed her lips together to keep from smiling. Only Grissom could use a word like "court" and have it seem completely natural.
Only Grissom could now be sitting up in bed, half naked, and completely disheveled, and make her heart ache from happiness.
"I don't. Do you think I should court you?"
"I don't," he said and a small smile came to his face. "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce us…engaged."
"Again."
"Again."
Sara was happy and brave—or stupid-enough to press her luck but, she had to know.
"Can I ask you one more thing before I drop the subject entirely and forever?"
"Of course."
"Why Heather? Or Catherine, for that matter. I mean, why is it so easy for you to talk to them about your emotions, instead of me?"
"Because…with them, I'm just talking. With you, I'm giving away a piece of my heart. And…wanting…more than anything…for you to be happy to receive it."
He took her hand and pulled her closer to him. Kissed her hair. "There's a big element of risk there," he continued.
She moved back a bit, "No risk at all. I'm very happy to receive it and return it with my own."
There came yet another moment when words were not needed and just long looks and soft smiles took over.
Perhaps, they'd incorporate that into their new wedding vows, she thought.
Perhaps, they had just reaffirmed those vows, without witnesses and legalese. And what they'd eventually say in front of a preacher, Justice of the Peace or Reverend Elvis wouldn't matter as much. Although, she sure as hell wanted that paper and that ring.
And that feeling of permanence that came with them.
She leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips.
Kind of sealing the moment.
He put his arms around her and they both relaxed against the pillows.
Sara was pretty sure she could sleep now.
Maybe they were taking things too fast. Maybe they weren't facing old situations, hurts, problems, etc., etc…that all led to their separation in the first place. Maybe…she had lost her mind and decided to live in a cheesy fairly tale, mush-fest.
Or, maybe, just maybe, they deserved this happy beginning.
The only things they both knew, as they nodded off on this night of gentle and beautiful sights, sounds, smells, tastes and touches…was they were together and they were very, very grateful.
And, really, that made the whole struggle…finally…worth it.
The End
A/N: If you're reading this, thank you for sticking around past the endless pages of narrative and abundant use of the ellipsis. (My favorite punctuation mark…can you tell?) I used to edit those out (or at least limit their use, but nothing seems to express those pauses in dialog or thought like those three little dots).
Thank you, once again, for reading and sending me such lovely feedback. I've been really bad at answering lately but it's greatly appreciated and the fact that someone out there still reads my stuff makes me happy. (You can pretty much free-associate life with CSI quotes!)