One Show Only (No Encore)
Title shamelessly stolen from Leverage. Cross posted to AO3. Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated :)
Chapter 1: 352,000
After Hackett left, the terror and stress and exhaustion all hit Shepard at the same time, leaving her dizzy and swaying on her feet. She knew she should walk the Admiral to his shuttle, but even crossing the room seemed too difficult an accomplishment. As she stared at the door leading to the rest of her ship, she tried to convince herself to start walking.
She ached all over. Modern medicine was a wonderful thing, but even discounting the dozens of indoctrinated soldiers she had killed, and the YMIR mech she had blown up, she had been in an induced coma for two days, and her body was still shaking off the effects. Doctor Chakwas had bitten back multiple lectures about the foolishness of jumping up and into battle from a hospital bed. At least Kenson and her allies had healed up the damage from the exploding YMIR.
And she was supposed to be doing something. She was standing in the middle of the med bay, the only sounds were breathing and the low constant hum of the drive core. The datapad with her report on the Alpha Relay and the colony (estimated casualty count 352,000 deaths) was in her hand. The walls of the medbay seemed to shift in front of her eyes, pulsing in time to the remembered count of that damned Reaper object.
"You look terrible," Garrus said from beside her, and Shepard blinked. She had not realized the infirmary door had opened to let him in. Had she been daydreaming this entire time?
"I think some of my bruises are bruised," she admitted, leaning against him. Garrus' armor was rough on the newly healed skin of her cheek, but she needed the support, and the comfort. He put an arm around her and Shepard let him hold her up. Her scalp pricked with pain, and Garrus used his free hand to slip her hair loose of the jagged edge of armor it had caught upon.
"The great Commander Shepard, laid low by some bruises," Garrus teased, tucking the blond lock behind her ear. "Come on. I'll get you upstairs."
"Mmmf," she said, by way of agreement, and let him guide her out the door and to the elevator. The Normandy was quiet. Most of the Cerberus crew was probably hiding from the Alliance Admiral she had let on board. She bet the former Alliance members of the crew were huddled in Engineering with Tali, begging her to hide them from one of the Alliance's more powerful members. Even the mess was empty of Cerberus personnel and Rupert.
Inside her cabin, the drive core blended soothingly with the sound of water from the fish tank. Kelly had fed the fish while she had been on the asteroid. At least they had survived. Shepard's usual curse did not touch them.
Were 352,000 Batarian deaths karmic payback for surviving a suicide mission with her whole team intact? Was it payment for the lives of her kidnapped crew? So many dead. So many failures. If only she could have saved one of them. Instead, the only one she could ever save was herself.
Shepard was so tired.
"He's right," she said, as Garrus pulled back the blankets on her bed and helped her lay down. "I will have to answer for this." Garrus tucked the covers around her, and she twisted her fingers in the heavy fabric.
Garrus sat down on the bed next to her. "You did the best you could," he said, "The Admiral knows that."
"Three hundred fifty-two thousand," she whispered, staring up at the ceiling. She thought she could see an explosion, beyond the shiny bulkhead and kinetic shielding. Asteroid versus mass effect relay. The lights pulsed like Object Rho, damning everyone.
"Don't beat yourself up, Shepard," Garrus told her. He stroked her hair very carefully with his talons. "No one else could have done better."
"Should have shot Kenson when I realized there was a fucking Reaper artifact out in the open." She was so tired.
She thought he said, "Sleep, Shepard, I'll be here if you need me," but darkness was falling, and it could have been a dream.