title: clarity
words: 2,041
disclaimer: disclaimed
'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need.
.:Zedd featuring Foxes:.
I
It's in the split second after she kisses Scorpius that she realizes that this is a mistake. Her eyes are wide open and she can't see the passion in his grey orbs that she knows is there. She wants to pull away, but he just admitted he was in love with her and she's not sure how to respond so she lets it happen anyway.
Scorpius doesn't want to stop. He can feel her sort flaming curls cascading down and sweeping towards his face. The curve of her lips against his is like magic itself. He can feel how close she is; her Hogwarts robes pressing against him.
"Stop."
He stops, looking deep into her eyes. "I can't."
II
She sits on the edge of his bed, her hand resting loosely in his palm. He doesn't look at her, and she stares at the floor.
An unsettling guilt washes over her almost naked body, but she doesn't want to be the first to get up. She can't leave him in the dust again; can't leave him to pick up the pieces of the glass she shatters every single time.
To her surprise, he slowly sits up and puts his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands.
"Lily, why are we doing this?"
She's asked herself the same question every day for a year now, but she doesn't know what to tell him. "I don't know, Teddy."
He gets up first, leaving her to crumple the sheets of his unmade bed with her fists.
III
"Stop doing this to him."
Lily looks straight ahead to the television that's playing reruns of some Muggle comedy that she isn't paying attention to.
"This isn't any of your business, Rose."
Lily hears Roses exhale, and she can imagine her shaking her head through the phone. "It is my business. He won't even talk to me. Scorpius is my best friend and whatever you did to him… Just stop it."
I didn't do anything to him. I told him to stop. Stop being in love with me; stop trying to kiss me; just stop.
But she says, "I didn't do anything to him."
Crushed him. Broke his heart.
Lily hangs up.
IV
She's not sure how Teddy found her, and she's not sure how she feels about him standing in her motel room in the middle of nowhere. She came here to hide with no intention to ever be found until she actually feels ready to face her problems, which could be…never.
She's in a towel when he knocks on the door.
"Lily?"
"Lily, are you there?"
"Lily, I know you're there," he whispers through the door.
She throws a pillow at the door and sobs into her hands. "I hate you, Teddy. I hate you."
V
He calls her hotel three times in a row: 2:46, 2:47, and 2:49 in the morning.
"Why would you do that to me? I love you, Lily."
"Lily, what's going on with you and Teddy?"
"Meet me at The Three Broomsticks at noon tomorrow."
Lily listens to Scorpius, her heart aching. How does he not understand that she doesn't like him anymore?
VI
She breaks it to him again, gently this time. She dodges the bullets his cruel words make—"Teddy—," "How could you—," "I loved you!"
Well, she thinks bitterly, Rose does too.
VII
Lily wakes up in the Muggle motel to the phone ringing again. She doesn't want to know who it is, who wants to talk to her desperately enough to call at 3:27 in the morning.
She wants to ignore it. She has to.
She can't.
VIII
Teddy's voice whispers "I love you, Lily," and she's never been this confused in her life. Scorpius is gone; he's out of the picture. Teddy keeps coming back to her. (Or does she keep letting him find her?) He's in her sheets again, and right now, it's not about lust. Maybe it never was.
Whatever. Right now, she holds Teddy close, taking in the warmth of his naked form. She isn't sure how to respond to that. She always kind of assumed that he didn't get attached to anyone, like her.
Just keep moving, shy away from everyone, and don't let them get too close.
She's afraid of getting hurt. She's afraid Teddy's going to break her heart and leave her to pick up all of the pieces they scattered in the sheets.
She's done that to him more times than she can count.
She turns away from him, staring at the door.
IX
She sends him away again.
He knew it would happen. Lily is scared and fragile and she's going to break one of these days, he thinks. He's putting too much pressure on her—no one admits they're in love with someone after they grew up together like siblings until one year ago, when they began a purely intimate relationship.
He doesn't even know the real her anymore. He's scared that no one does.
X
So Teddy sends an owl to her, one week later.
She agrees to meet him at the Burrow. Roxanne is turning seventeen and it's a graduation party for Lily and Hugo because they've only been out of Hogwarts a single month and Lily ditched everyone before they even left the grounds.
It'll be the first time most of her family has seen her in a month—she ignored every owl and call and even the Howlers and she will continue to do so until Saturday next.
XI
Lily is relieved to get there before Teddy. She's even more relieved to see Scorpius's arm snaked around Rose's waist, even if there is a wistful look in his eyes.
Finally, that's over.
XII
She hugs her mother and dodges her father's questions. She ignores James and Al, who look at her like she's just risen from the dead. She grabs some punch from the table outside and heads to the tree house in the apple orchard where she and her cousins all learned to ride broomsticks and where she knows Teddy will find her because he's always been part of the family and, frankly, it disgusts her to think about that.
Because yes, they grew up together, and he's eleven years older than her, and he's her Transfiguration professor, for Merlin's sake, but somehow this never really bothered her until she kissed him and now everything was wrong, but it felt right, too.
And then the sex started. Only sometimes, and then all the time, all feelings left aside every time. Sometimes they'd sit and talk after over coffee—a dash of cream and two sugars for him, black for her. They'd talk about anything and everything—except those goddamn feelings they'd do anything to make disappear.
And then she graduates. Hell, she's so free, she could make their relationship public if she wanted to, but she's not sure what she wants.
Scorpius kissed her two weeks before she walked out of those double doors, and Teddy pried. She has no idea why the hell he's finally asking questions, but she'd do anything to make him stop.
"Scorpius, huh?"
What did Teddy know? How did he even find out? Why does he care?
So the sex stopped and Lily graduated and left for a motel in Romania (for Merlin's sake). And then he shows up in Romania and he confesses everyfuckingthing and now she's here and he's coming here and she has no idea what it could possibly lead to.
XIII
But when Teddy finally climbs up to sit with her in the tree house, their feet dangling into the space of the orchard, she holds out her hand and waits for him to dangle his fingers in the spaces between hers. He stares straight ahead and waits for her to speak first.
She doesn't speak for ten minutes. Her cousins run past twice, yelling, "Lily! It's time for cake!" as if she's six years old again. The sun is setting quickly; it's nearly eight o'clock. She's kept her eyes on they're almost interlocking fingers.
"What happened to us, Teddy?"
XIV
She feels like she might be flying. Teddy's mouth is on hers again, but this time, it's sweet and gentle. She's kissing him back slowly and her eyes are closed, and for once, she feels truly safe.
And then he's carrying her up to one of the beds in the tree house and she breaks the kiss to laugh, reminiscing about the countless sleepovers she's had here with her cousins and he laughs because he's done this too many times to let her down again.
So he doesn't.
He gives her everything she could ever want in that one hour. He gives her passion and sweet nothings in her ears. He gives her gentle touches and goes slowly. He whispers that he loves her, and she isn't sure she can say it back right now and she isn't sure how or when he came to that conclusion.
So she accepts it.
XV
When they climb back down from the tree house, it's two in the morning and everyone is gone. Everyone is sleeping over in the Burrow, as per usual. So Lily pours two coffees—dash of cream and two sugars for him, black for her—and throws her curly red waves into a ponytail before sitting across from Teddy and sliding his cup over to him.
They hear footsteps upstairs and Teddy smiles coyly at her. She grins and takes a sip. Someone will find them, most likely. All the details will fall into place, she'd like to think.
"I missed you."
Her lips curve into a smile as she sets down her mug. "I feel like we've made up for lost time, Teddy."
He laughs lightly. "I think so. But it doesn't change the fact that I missed you and I was so worried about you after you left."
"I… I don't know what to say, Teddy." She's tracing the rim of her mug with her pinkie finger.
"You don't have to say anything, Lily. I just… just wanted you to know, you know?"
Lily smiles again. "Thank you."
He puts his hand out on the table, and she doesn't hesitate to lace her fingers all the way through his. Teddy rubs his thumb along the side of her hand. She can't believe how much his touch soothes her.
"I'm glad you're here." Lily's was waiting to be angry at him before he showed up at the Burrow. But, as soon as he kissed her, her anger and confusion faded. She realizes now that she really does mean it.
They hear more footsteps upstairs and then Rose's unmistakable shrill giggle. Scorpius sighs loud enough for Lily and Teddy to hear in the kitchen.
Teddy laughs. "Scorpius got over you quickly."
Lily sticks her tongue out at Teddy playfully. "I missed you, too, Teddy. I didn't… I didn't want to leave, really. You just—you pushed me away, but I didn't even know how to feel about you in the first place. We had been doing… whatever the hell we were doing before… before," she finished lamely.
"Before Scorpius kissed you."
"But now old Scorpius is with Rose, so they're happy." She adds as an afterthought, "And so am I."
Teddy looks up into Lily's bright green eyes eyes. "And so am I," he says, grinning. "I just can't believe how long it took for us to get our acts together."
"You mean, how long it took me to come back."
Teddy's eyes dance with laughter. "You mean, how long it took for me to find you! Romania, huh?"
Lily looks at him defensively. "I didn't want to be found, and Romania's a place I thought no one would me. I just didn't want you to find me," she repeats. "I hated you."
"And I deserved that. And then I came and found you and I told you I loved you, and you hated me even more," he finishes.
"Right," she concludes. "But now… I think I'm in love with you now, Teddy."
He closes the gap between their lips across the table and carries her upstairs to her room.
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