Deep in space was a ship called Starbug, currently home to four life forms lucky enough not to be completely insane by this point in time. The head runner was Dave Lister, although a certain hologram would disagree with that statement. Currently said hologram was in cargo deck counting every single item many more times over than was necessary and putting them into alphabetical order. He was hard at work. …Or at least putting someone else hard at work while he supervised. He was staring up at his mechanoid ship mate as he proceeded to place another crate on top of the pyramid of crates that was already far too high in the first place.
"Are you sure this is wise, Mr. Rimmer, sir? Placing all these hundred of boxes like this? What would happen if we were to crash or hit some sort of bumpy turbulence and they all fall over? Statistics, as far as we go, state that that is a very likely scenario. I wouldn't want to damage any—" Kryten blabbered on, Rimmer eager to cut him off, did.
"Oh, stuff an engine block down your gob, you worrisome gimboid. It's only curry. God forbid we lost any of Lister's special sauce. It's probably going to wind up on the floor anyhow, that insufferable slob. But until then, I demand we at least pretend there is some order to this banged up piece of rubbish we call a ship." He outstretched an arm, rotating his pointer finger towards the top, "Now, on with it. We're still on C. We've still a whole alphabet to get through…" He folded his hands behind his back and wore a smug grin, pacing back and forth in a official manner. Rimmer sometimes got a real pleasure out of being an absolute twat to his crew.
Kryten frowned with a barely audible sigh as he gave in to the hologram's wishes. He announced once he finished and Rimmer looked gave a nod, "Now that is some spectacular organization…" Kryten was about to open his mouth, very pleased with the compliment, until he heard the arrogant man's finish, "I am such a hard worker." He patted himself on the back, "Well done, Rimmer, old boy.."
Kryten tried insulted him but the words didn't seem to leave his mechanical he just shook his head, cursing his programming and carefully began to climb down the pyramid of curry.
He stopped for a minute, "Oh, but sir. How is Mr. Lister going to be able to get it with it stacked so high…?"
"How, indeed.." The hologram smirked, gazing up at the ceiling.
Kryten continued his descent. Just as his metal feet were about to leave the final crate, the ship shifted without a moment's notice and he fell instantly to the floor along with Rimmer. Much to his dismay, sheer irony had many of the crates tumbling over, one directly above his location. It opened mid-fall and curry sauce spilt all over him. His brow furrowed as a glare formed. Rimmer cursed his hard light drive but cursed Lister even more for being such a reckless pilot.
When the second technician was finally able to stand without weaving back and forth, he wiped the curry off; what he could see anyway. Then, with parts of his face still dripping with it, he stomped off in the direction of the cockpit. Kryten followed closely behind, looking more concerned than anything else.
It was then that Rimmer began to rant, occasionally glancing back at the android, "No alerts. No warning. Am I the only one on this damned vessel that bothers following protocol?"
Kryten stopped to think a moment before asking, "Did you want me to answer that honestly?"
An irritated expression darkened the hologram's face and he exhaled visibly but chose not to answer. A certain annoying, barely-human life form would be the house for his rage. He was loud and made his presence known.
"Lister. We had better be dying or you're about to be."
"Calm down, man…" Lister said, not taking his eyes away from the front with his hands firmly on the controls, "Just a little turbulence…No need to get your holographic undies in a bunch.."
"No need, eh, Listy?" Rimmer frowned bitterly , bending down so that his face was just above the dark skinned man's shoulder, "If there's anything there's no need for it's your insane obsession with a food that surely doing nothing for your already over-plump figure."
"Smeg off, eh?" Lister ignored him. Rimmer was just going through the motions as he always did. He knew he just had to listen and then off he'd go.
"One thousand two hundred and ninety eight boxes on board!" He announced with raised brows, "That's enough to fill a small swimming pool." He paused, "Maybe I take that one back…Don't wanna give you any ideas…"
"Come on. There ain't that many." Replied Lister skeptically, making one quick turn before switching on auto pilot and turning around to face him. When he did, a smirk formed on his lips and he began to laugh. Rimmer hardly found it amusing.
"Hey, look at that, Rimmer?" He lifted an open-fingered gloved hand to the hologram's cheek and wiped some of the curry off and then sucking it off his fingers, "You finally have some taste…"
"Haha, laugh while you will, Lister. But no one's going to be laughing when I charge you with breaking Space Corps Directive S-A-R-W-Y-I-N-186 Section B 3.6" Almost as if he could feel Kryten's mouth open, he instantly pointed at the robot warningly without looking, "Unless you want that vacuum attachment of yours shoved up your tin arse, I'd refrain from speaking…"
Lister raised his hands, gesturing to himself, "Just leave me alone about me curry. It's delicious. And nutritious."
"Please." The hologram rolled his eyes and folded his arms, "That over spicy, vomit inducing goop is about as nutritious as grinding up your large collection toenail clipping stuffing them in a blender with your old, moldy socks and a large tot of your own urine"
Lister wasn't paying much attention to him. He merely stroked more sauce off him.
"And will you stop touching my face? I've no idea where those grimy fingers have been" The haughty hologram requested.
"Prefer I use me tongue then? No point letting good curry go to waste." He licked his lips, "Mmm…You're delicious, man."
Rimmer could feel his cheeks warm up at that. Well…as much as they could, him being a hologram. The feeling was there all the same. Obviously, he chocked it up to disgust and waved off any other possibility of why that comment made his virtual heart race. He stepped back and wiped off the rest of his face. Basically indestructible and he couldn't get a stupid sauce off.
"Alright, enough. I'm not you're entrée. Certainly not you're main course!" He said, able to compose himself and look casual again. He heard the Cat make a comment but ignored it. At least until he said something intriguing.
"Hey! That squiggly, wobbly wave thing is coming back! I can smell it!"
Everyone immediately returned to their chairs. Rimmer piped up with curiosity, "What's he on about?"
"The thing that made you curried" Lister replied, tapping a few buttons, "We encountered some sort of energy field. Thought it was maybe a storm or somethin' so I tried swerving to avoid it."
"Don't think it was enough. It's coming back! Almost like it's following us or something!" Cat replied.
"Power up the thrusters. We'll just outrun it" Lister said, pulling hard on the controls.
"What the smeg is it? Do you even know if it's dangerous?" Rimmer asked, wanting to know more.
"Come on, Rimmer. You know our luck. When is something we find ever not dangerous?" Lister reasoned and the hologram had to relent in agreement.
Right as he had finished his statement, a large light beam filled the craft and no one even had time to react. The ship jolted from side to side for a few minutes before it became stable again.
"Is everyone alright?!" Lister shouted, turning and looking around at his disoriented crew.
"I think so! But man, I don't know if I'm ever gonna get the wrinkles outta this suit. How's my hair look? Be honest. I can take it!" The Cat replied, looking devastated. Lister didn't say a word to him. He was obviously just fine.
"Kryten?"
"Perfectly okay, sir. We were hit by an energy beam of some sort." He looked down at the monitor by his station to get some answers, "Results indicate that there has been no damage to Starbug. The only real loss to be mentioned is the state of Cat's hair…"
"I knew it!" The Cat exclaimed in a whine and ran off to go find a mirror and some beauty products to fix his do.
Lister watched him leave, shaking his head a bit and then looked over to Rimmer, "What about you, Rimmer?"
"I am absolutely not fine." Rimmer said but once the words left his lips he seemed concerned, as though it weren't what he meant to say at all, "I'm perfectly awful." It happened again, "I am the complete opposite of okay!"
Lister scrunched up his face and exchanged confused glances with Kryten before looking back again, "What seems to be the problem?"
"Everything!" He paused, "That's exactly what I meant to say!" He stood up and refrained the urge to slap himself, "What the hell is going on?!"
Lister glanced back at Kryten and stood up this time, walking towards the hologram with a point, "What's up with him?"
Unsure but eager to please, Kryten got out of his chair and walked over to Rimmer with some sort of scanner. He moved it up and down, while Rimmer wore a 'put out' look on his face, waiting for some answers.
"Well, it appears I may have been wrong. There seem to be some sort of flaw in his data"
"What sort of flaw…?" Rimmer asked, becoming more annoyed by the second.
"Somehow it seems that you've been corrupted.." Kryten tried to explain.
Lister placed a hand on his side and gave a look, "Get with the times, Krytes. He's always been more than just a little corrupted. Haven't you seen 'im in those war games?"
Rimmer scoffed at him but Kryten continued with his analysis, "No, Mr. Lister. His intentions seem to have been swapped.."
"Wha's that mean?" Lister wondered.
"It is to say that whatever Rimmer is intending to say or do, he does the opposite. Lies become truth. Truth becomes lies. Love is hate and vice versa"
Rimmer glared at the mechanoid, "Kryten. It is my firm belief that you are a lovely android and you sit sit yourself down with a pot of tea and relax for a change!" His face then became sour. That was supposed to be a witty, sarcastic insult designed to demean him. He tried again, "You're... a joy! You're so... pleasant to be around! You're….Oh, forget it!" He marched off towards the kitchen.
Lister smirked and then eyed Kryten, "This is gonna be fun"
Just writing this for fun and it's my first Red Dwarf fic and was unsure if I should keep going! ;w; Please be gentle!