It Wasn't Your Fault, Sammy
{Notice: I do not own Supernatural. It belongs to Eric Kripke and The CW network. This is a piece of fiction that was created purely for entertainment purposes.}
Chapter One
Dean sighed, quietly flipping through the old book. Though he tried with all his might he couldn't stop himself from looking up to his brother. And damn it, did he regret it.
Sam was staring blankly at a nearly complete bottle of vodka. His unfocused eyes were rimmed with redness from lack of sleep and had very noticeable dark underlining beneath them.
Sam hadn't slept since…
Dean took a deep breath and finished his thought.
Sam hadn't slept since Lucifer had risen.
Dean knew that this was part of what was hurting Sam so bad, but there was an even bigger reason to it then just that. Not to long ago after the rising, Sam and him had gotten into a fight. An extremely bad fight that Dean regretted with every fiber of his being.
They had just checked into some random 'No-Tell-Motel on there way back to Bobby's. Dean hadn't said one word to Sam since they had left the airport and gotten the car back.
Sam didn't seem to have a problem with that though because he had refused to even look in Dean's direction since then.
Dean was shrugging off his jacket when he heard a small but audible thump.
He glanced over quickly to where it had come from and saw Sam leaning up against the bathroom door frame. His shoulders were shaking violently but no sound came from him.
Dean felt his heart clench and he quietly when to his brother's side, gently laying his hand on his younger brothers shoulder. He felt Sam tense at the physical action and he jerked away from his hand.
"Dean, man, just don't... Don't touch me right now." Dean was startled by the words, but when he saw Sam turn around he gasped out loud.
Sam's eyes where pitch fricken black!
Dean was about to lunge for the holy water but Sam stopped him.
Tears streaming down the younger mans face Sam managed to choke out, "Dean, it's me! I swear!"
Dean tensely eyed his crying brother warily as Sam continued to sob. Unwilling to take the risk, he reached over to his jacket and pulled out his flask of holy water.
He held it up for Sam to see and arched his brow sharply in question. "This is happening no matter what you say. Are you gonna fight me about it?" Sam stared at Dean sadly for a second before shaking his head meekly 'no'.
Dean flicked a couple of good amounts onto Sam's face and felt his gut unclench just a bit when Sam didn't react to the blessed water hitting his skin. Then he remembered that his not-possessed little brother had demon eyes and he felt worse than ever, dammit.
Dean stared owl eyed at his little brother before finally managing to speak. "Sam, what the hell is going on here?" He demanded.
"I can't control them Dean. They won't change back!" Sam choked out miserably.
Sam let out another broken sob and shook his head, "I don't know Dean! When we were leaving the airport I caught my reflection in a mirror and I couldn't change them back!"
Dean didn't know what to do with this. So he responded the only way he knew how to in bad and confusing moments. With Anger.
"Well!, He shouted at the sobbing man, "Maybe if you hadn't listened to that lying whore Roby and used those GOD DAMN demon powers to kill Lillith, you wouldn't be in this damn mess!"
Sam stumbled back, eyes wide with shock at his brother's harsh words.
His eyes suddenly filled with gushing tears that streamed down his face non-stop, but not tears of sadness, Oh no, tears of anger and pain.
"Do you think I wanted any of this Dean?!" The younger sibling had shouted at his older brother. "All I wanted was it to be over! That's IT! I wanted that bitch to pay for what she did to me! To you!"
Dean had stormed over to his brother, his green eyes bright with anger," I told you Sam! I told you time and freaking time again that Ruby was full of crap but NOOOOO!" Dean snarled, breath starting to come out in harsh pants.
Blood roaring in his ears, he growled out "You just had to have your fix of DAMN DEMONS BLOOD! So take a good, long look Sam, because you wanna know where that landed us now? Right in the middle of the freaking APOCALYPSE! And, and-"
Pointing an accusing finger directly at his little brothers face, he screamed at the top of his lungs as his voice and entire body shaking, no longer in control of his actions.
"-AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT SAM!" He finished, voice angry and cruel.
Sam recoiled violently at his brother's accusation.
Eyes now completely his own, filled with nothing but agony and shock at his brothers razor sharp words.
At the strength of Sam's reaction, Dean was viciously ripped back into control.
"O-Oh God… Sammy, I didn't mean it! Honest, it just slipped out!" But Sam's face stayed tightly the same, and gave Dean a soft response.
"Y-yes you did Dean…Yes you did." Sam repeated softly, and had turned his back on his self-horrified brother and quietly closed the bathroom door behind him.
The soft sound of the lock clicking into place, echoing thought-out the silent room.
Sam gently rolled the empty vodka bottle around in his hands.
Few thoughts had been able to pass through his mind that night, mostly because the agony of what and transpired between him and Dean earlier kept roaring up, screaming for attention.
The strong alcohol barley numbing it, whatsoever.
He heard Dean sigh loudly and could feel his eyes bore into him. God…What horrible things was his brother thinking of him at the very moment, Sam wondered quietly.
Did he blame him for dad dying?
For... for mom dying?
He was able to stop the broken sob from bursting from his lips at the dark thoughts.
He couldn't live like this any longer…
Sam knew he should hate his big brother for the things he had said to him.
He should be screaming or hitting, but… Somewhere, deep inside he knew Dean was right.
This WAS all his fault… The sound of floorboards creaking caught Sam's attention and his eyes slowly raised to where the sound had come from.
Dean was staring quietly away from him a small, leather bound book in his hand. Dean cleared his throat quietly and muttered quietly, "I'm going to sleep Sam."
And without another word, walked silently out of the room, leaving the drunken man to dwell in his agony.
You could escape this all.His mind whispered softly to him.
Slowly, a gentle voice entered his mind, sounding exactly like his older brothers voice, but instead of the coldness he had just experienced, this version was warm, gentle.
"There's only one way out of this, little brother…" The voice said sadly. Sam shook his drunken head as the idea appeared in his mind.
N-No… He wouldn't do that. It wouldn't solve anything."But Sam..." The voice said softly, "What other option is there? You know how I feel about you now, things will never be the same between us ever again..."It went on, keeping the gentleness clear.
"There's no escaping this. This is the only way for you AND me to be truly at peace now."
Shaking his head, fresh tears now streaming down his face, "N-No! You're not Dean. He loves me and would NEVER want me to commit suicide!"
The voice was even sadder now, "Do you really think I love you anymore Sam?..." He felt himself choke on the lump in this throat as the voice went on.
"Do you really think that after all you've done to this family, Leaving me and dad to go to that fancy-dancy college of yours, making it so I had to SELL my soul to save your ass just because you couldn't man up enough to kill that bastard Jake when you had the chance, and NOW raising Lucifer that I honestly still love you?"
Dean's voice was so solid, so sure of itself that Sam could swear he 'heard' his heart break inside his chest. But the voice continued, without mercy, now cold as snow.
"It is all your fault you know, Dean hissed, "It's your fault mom's dead! Everything would have been better if you had never been born!"
Sam was now full on sobbing, clutching his chest as the hate-filled words ran him through like iron daggers.
The voice was now screaming in his head, hate layered words filling his head "I wish you had never been born Sam!" It screamed, Sam's eyes wide at the intensity of the pain that rocked through him. It's last five words sealed his fate.
Screaming, the voice shouted its hate filled words as loudly as it could in his head.
"I WISH YOU WHERE DEAD!"
His face went completely deadpan, resolution filling it and sobering him up immediately.
Sam slowly stood up and walked mindlessly over to Bobby's desk, grabbing a random pad of paper and a pen.
His hand shaking violently, he scrawled down his last words to his dear, big brother.
"Dear Dean... I hope you know that I always loved you, even when we fought. No matter what you said, in never really fazed me, because I knew you were just saying those things out of anger, not truth.
But tonight….I know that you meant each and every one of them. And…God Dean I'm so sorry…" A tear dripped onto the paper and Sam wiped his eyes furiously, continuing, "For so many different things… For ruining ou…'your' family.
It never really was mine... All I did was destroy a perfectly good one. My mere being born destroyed a perfect, beautiful thing and I will never forgive myself for that.
Mom dying… it was my fault Dean. You were right Dean, you were right…Everything is MY fault. And I'm so sorry I didn't realize it earlier before you made that god damned deal.
I just can't live with it anymore Dean. I know its selfish, but I just cant do it anymore.
Know that I will ALWAYS love you, big brother, even though I know I shouldn't. Thank you for managing to put up with me for all these years, I know how awful it must have been.
So goodbye Dean Winchester.
~With love, Sam.
He gently folded the paper in half and quietly walked to Dean's room. Silently opening the door he walked over and looked down at his brother for one last, long moment.
"Goodbye Dean..." Sam whispered softly leaning down, laying the note next to Dean's hand, and laid one soft kiss on his forehead.
Dean sighed quietly and buried his head into his pillow, completely oblivious to what was about to occur.
Sam quietly walked out shutting the door quietly behind him. Sam slowly walked to the kitchen, and silently reached into the sink, carefully taking a hold of a long, curved slicing knife.
He stared quietly at it for a long moment, then slowly gripped the hilt with both hands, steadily aiming it directly at his stomach.
"Do it, for me Sammy... Please?" The voice whispered softly, now from behind him. Tears streamed down his face as his arms shakily gripped the knife tighter.
"I'll miss you, big brother..." he whispered out softly.
Without a second thought, thrusted the blade as deeply into his abdomen as he could
TBC