DISCLAIMER: I own many things. The brownie I am eating, the clothes I am wearing, this account, some jewelry, a bed, a drum set, and an abundance of socks. A few things I don't own include Spiderman, Harry Potter, any other random referances, and any people I happen to mention that actually exsist.

I think I should just apologize right now to JK Rowling, for making a mockery of her books with this story of plotless doom, and to Severus Snape for making a mockery of him for putting him in this story of plotless doom.

Chappy One

Angst

"The heart, Osbourne! First, we attack his heart!"

These words played over and over in Harry's mind. He wondered if there was someway to let Voldemort know that he cared very much for the Dursleys.

Life at Privet Drive was just as boring as usual… perhaps even more so. No matter how many times Harry tried to explain that he was severly traumatized from his previous year at Hogwarts and that a fully restored Dark Lord could attack at any moment, the Dursleys cut him no slack whatsoever. His schedual was thus:

Wake up.

Make breakfast.

Eat breakfast.

Clean up breakfast.

Random chores.

Make lunch.

Eat lunch.

Clean up lunch.

More random chores.

Eat dinner. (Aunt Petunia makes it)

Clean up dinner.

Go to sleep.

Boring, eh? This was nothing that a hero such as himself should be doing… er… I mean, he felt insecure at the Dursleys… yeah. He didn't want to be there because he was frightened… and insecure… *nods*

Every day was so similar, that his whole summer was mish-moshed into one box on the calendar. This box happened to be labled August 25th. Yey! Time to go!

Harry rushed down the stairs (yes, he was upstairs) and ran into the kitchen to confront the Dursleys who were watching that uber spiffy TV they got in the third book.

Vernon didn't look away from the screen, "Yes, yes. An evil Dark Lord is coming to kill us all and you need a hug, we know."

Petunia grunted in agreement, and Dudley grinned. (Not a pretty sight since his face was stuffed with cupcakes)

Why is he always getting fatter, anyway? I shall make the little git skinny!

Petunia grunted in agreement, and Dudley grinned. (Not a pretty sight since his face was stuffed with celery.)

Mwahahahahahahahaha… *cough*

Harry sighed. "No it's not that! Well… not this time at least… I need some one to give me a ride to Diago… er… that magical place… er… I need some one to give me a ride!"

Vernon grinned, "Why would I drive you anywhere? You're just going to do something abnormal. And I emphasize the abnormal part!"

"Yes well…" Harry stuttered, but stopped because it reminded him of his very angstful and traumatizing first year. "I promise I'll be out of your hair for a year."

His uncle already had his coat on and was heading out the door. "Hurry up, boy!"

Harry scampered upstairs to retreive his belongings.

*     *     *

He sighed contentedly. Here he was, in Diagon Alley, surrounded by lots of people who were magically magical and could save him from evil Dark Lords and give him hugs. The first person to do so (the hugging part, not the evil Dark Lord part) was Hermione.

"Harry!" She cried. "I'm so glad to see you!" She grinned at him, and squeezed him harder. (*decides to add some fluff*) There were tears streaming down her face as she pushed him arms length away and said, "I really am Harry…"

Harry felt his eyes begin to water as well. "Me too, Hermione, me—" He was cut off when he was attacked from behind by… Ron!

Ron wrapped his arms (which were enlongigated for this scene) around the two of them. "Guys! I've missed you so much!" All three of them cried. It was very sweet.

"GROUP HUG!" Some random shopper called, and pretty soon everyone in Diagon Alley was hugging eachother in one large mass of people. This proved to be misfortunate indeed. The hug was so wide that no one could move, and they were all stuck there for many hours until the H.A.C.T arrived. (Hug Abuse Cleanup Team)

"Eep." Harry muttered, once all of the random shoppers had been cleared away. Being the center of a group hug that large is not a pretty thing.

"Time to go to school!" Hermione chirped happily.

"What?" Harry said incredilously. "But I just got here… I have to get my stuff… It's August 25th!"

Ron shrugged. "We've been here for hours, we bought all your stuff for you and…" He looked at his watch. "It is September 1st! TO THE TRAIN!"

The three were magically transported to Kings Cross Station Thingy.

*     *     *

"Tell us!" Hermione and Harry whined

"Nope!" Ron smirked happily. "I shan't say nothing if you don't say please."

"Please!"

"NOTHING! HAHA!!!" Ron laughed maniacally, completely unaware that this joke had been used before.

"TELL US NOW OR I'LL HEX YOU!!!!" Hermione roared, standing up from where she had knelt at Ron's feet.

"Yeah…!" Harry cried, trying to sound as intimidating and failing miserably.

"Er… right." Ron cleared his throat. "Snape isn't going to be at Hogwarts!" He said gleefully.

Harry and Hermione stared at him, unable to believe that their greatest dream had just come true.

"How… how do you know?" Harry asked shakily.

Ron grinned. "You know. My family is all 'close to the Dumbledore' so he tells us stuff, and Snape disappeared after apparating to a Death Eater meeting!"

"Eep!" Harry winced at the mention of Death Eaters.

"Whoops, sorry, Harry! I forgot you were all traumatized and crap…"

"It's really quite all right, friend Ron. Let us partake in celebrating!"

"YEEEEY!" They shouted in unison, and began to whoop and hollar, dancing about like morons and having a ruddy good time doing so.

Its rather sad that not one of them gave a damn over Snape's safety. For this they must pay…

*     *     *

"So." Harry began, as they rode in those carriages without horses towards the castle. "Why do you think Snape was so abruptly kicked out of the story?"

Hermione quickly explained. "It's obvious, isn't it? I mean, we're going to get some new, mysterious, and plot-worthy potions professor!"

"Five sickles says it's Lupin." Ron said immediatley.

"I'll take that bet. I say its some gorgeous dame with a mysterious past and an air of Mary-Sue…" Harry sighed dreamily.

Hermione shook her head. "You're going to lose, Harry. Everyone knows Lupin is supposed to come back this year!"

"But what makes you so sure he's going to be the potions professor?"

Hermione thought. "I suppose you have a point. Five sickles for Lucius Malfoy!"

"Oh, how awfully comforting…" Ron grumbled.

All three of them hoped that Hermione was wrong for once.

*     *     *

Hermione whistled happily, as she headed to Gryffindor tower, jangling the ten new sickles that now sat in her pocket.

Harry and Ron grumbled behind her. "This is just great!" Ron moaned. "Now instead of a double-agent with an unpleasant disposition, we get a full-fledged Death Eater who would sooner daintily bite your head off than give you a passing glance!"

Harry twitched.

"Oops. Sorry, mate."

"No problem." Harry said through clenched teeth.

"I mean, I can understand how you must feel! He's practically You-Know-Who's right hand man! You must be frightened to death! I mean, now that he's in the school he can kill you at any time!"

"Thanks for the reassurance, Ron."

"If I were you, I wouldn't even go to potions class ever! Hell! I'd be scared to leave the dormatory! I bet he can find you there, though. You better keep your guard on at all times! Can you imagine if he…"

"RON! I'D APPRECIATE IF YOU TOOK A DIFFERENT ROUTE IN COMFORTING ME!"

"Oops. Sorry, mate."

"No problem." Harry said through clenched teeth. He suddenly decided it was a good idea to walk with Hermione instead.

*     *     *

"Rooooon!" Harry whispered impatiently, shaking Ron's shoulder. "Wake up! Come on! Its time to get up, Ron!"

His friend opened his eyes groggily. "What time is it?"

Harry checked his watch idly. "Five-Ten-Fifteen-Twenty! It's 2:20 AM!"

Ron had already fallen back to sleep.

"Come on! We gotta go follow Malfoy!"

"He's probably staying in bed, abiding by the rules, and sleeping peacefully…"

"No! Malfoy Sr.! I was down at the potions lab spying on him, trying to get myself into some serious danger, when he left! I saw him heading towards the front doors! We have to see what he's up to!"

"By golly, you're right!" Ron said, leaping up from the bed. "TO THE ENTRANCE HALL!"

They hid themselves beneath the sanctuary of Harry's invisibilty cloak and slipped out into the night. (What a ridiculously random discriptive sentence…)

*     *     *

The two gasped.

"HE'S HEADED TO THE FORBIDDEN FOREST!" They whispered in unison, and turned, wide-eyed, back to Lucius. Boy howdy, could he lurk! He didn't even need an invisibility cloak! It was as if he was surrounded permanatley by shadows particularly useful for lurking. He quickly glanced both ways (safety first) and slipped into the trees.

"Egads!"Harry said sharply, poudning his fist on Ron. "We must follow him!"

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Harry… Don't you remember my extreme phobia of spiders?"

"Oh come on, Ron! What are the chances that we'll be nearly eaten again?" Harry answered. (Red Herring alert.)

"I suppose you're right." Ron said thoughtfully. "TO THE FOREST!"

*     *     *

Harry was distraught. "ARGH! TOO MANY SCENE CHANGES!"

"And we've been walking in this bloody forest for hours! How big can it possibly… be…" Ron began, but stopped as they reached the edge of the forest. "Well, that was convenient."

"But where's Malfoy?" He walked out just in time to see their stalkee apparate. "Shucks! How are we supposed to get him now?"

Ron walked to the spot where Lucius had stood. "We'll follow him." He said determinedly.

"Ron, are you crazy!!?!?" Harry asked his friend in disbelief. "You don't know how to apparate! You're going to get yourself splinched!"

"No I won't!" He insisted. "How hard can it be? I mean, you guess you just concentrate on where you want to go and…"

"But we don't know where he went!!"

"Oh… right… Well… Perhaps if we just concentrate on Malfoy, we'll end up next to him…"

"That's just stupid enough to work…" Harry pondered.

And the famous last words were…. "What could possibly go wrong?"

Thus… They apparated.

END OF CHAPPY ONE

Wow. Akee… what a random idea… The plot begins with the next chappy! Which I'm writing right now anyway, so who cares? And I know Hermione isn't in this, but she would be able to solve their predicament in five minutes, and whats the fun of that? REVIEW OR DIE, MORTALS!!!