BPOV
This was it. I finally hit my last straw. It was supposed to be over a long time ago but I just couldn't except it than. Now, well now I know exactly where I belong on his list of priorities, on the list of things he loves, if I'm ever on there any more.
Laying is this bed, surrounded by the clean and blinding white, I can't help but to hate him. Really hate him. I know it's not his entire fault I'm here but where is he. It's been two days. I know they got ahold of him. I heard his sister and father talking about it. He knows I'm here. I wonder if he knows why. Does he think it was just another clumsy accident of mine? Does he care regardless? I just wish it would have been different.
Seven years together. We started dating in 10th grade. He was my first and only everything. He was my first real boyfriend. My first real passionate kiss. I gave my first time to him. And he was the only person I gave my heart to. I married him. Choose his dreams over mine. And forgave him for all wrong he's done to me. I still do forgive him. But now, I hate him.
I'm brought out of my thoughts by the doctor entering the room. As he checks on me, he won't even look me in the eye. How can he, I can only imagine the hurt, rage, and pain that he must see there.
"Well, Mrs. Cullen, you look to be doing much better. I'll send a nurse in shortly to give you some more pain medication and your food should be up shortly. You really need to eat something."
"That's fine. Thank you very much. Do you know when I can be released?" I asked. I wonder if he caught on that I didn't say go home.
"Seeing as though you were in a coma for the last day and a half, I think it's best if you rest up." Dr. Greene replied "You've only been up for a few hours. I know that you probably want to get out of here and grieve your lose with your family but I have to make sure your healthy."
"I understand. I don't want to prolong it, so as soon as possible, I'd like to leave." I said a bit harshly.
With stat his eyes got wide and he mumbled a "very well" and left me to drown in my thoughts. I wondered if he knew exactly how loaded his last statement was. What am I suppose to be grieving the lose of? My marriage? My love? My unborn child? My family? Myself? Because as of right now all I am as numb.
"Bella! I'm so glad your awake. We just talked to the doctor how are you?" Alice said as she walked into the room.
"Hi" I replied weakly "I'm fine."
She just gave me a sad smile. Knowing not to push right now.
She walked over and took a look at me "Well, you don't look as bad as I thought you would. Although I must say, we have to get you out of that ugly hospital gown."
I gave a small laugh and rolled my eyes. Only Alice, I thought.
"I called Edward" I cringed at his name, she didn't notice, "He was in the middle of an important case and said he would get here as soon as possible." Giving a weak laugh she continued, "Although, I'm not sure what case could be more important than your wife in the hospital. I guess he must think it was another one of your many accidents."
I just looked at her for a minute. Is she really that blind. He hasn't shown up in the two days I've been here and she's making excuses for him.
"It's fine Alice, I'm tired." I said as I rolled over to my side facing away from her.
"Oh, okay. Get some rest, I'll see you later."
'Bye, Alice' is all I thought. Goodbye forever. We ever see each other again when I get out of here. She was my best friend. I've known her just as long as Edward. It will be hard but it has to be done. It just makes me that much more mad. She makes excuses for him. She may not really know where he is. But I do. That's how I ended up in this bed. With nothing left.
My marriage wasn't perfect. For the majority of the past four years it has been a wonderful mess of fighting and love and chaos. Only the past year has it been heart breaking and soul crashing. Why? Well, it was one year ago my husband started his affair. Yes, I my be an idiot but I am not stupid. I knew since the beginning. But I love him. I wanted to make it work. I tried everything. Ignoring it, marriage counseling, being more "adventurous in bed". None of it worked. And he made no attempt at hiding it once I shared in counseling that I knew. He would answer her calls while I was there and make me listen to the one sided conversation. Never blatantly saying "let's go fuck" but the low breathy chuckles followed by "Yes, yes we have so much work to get through" and the "why yes this work does get me very hard" were just as hard to listen to.
Than, when I thought my marriage couldn't get worse. And the joke of a life I lived finally caught up to me enough to where I was done. I found out I was pregnant. How was I supposed to bring a baby into this? The love in our union was one sided. What if my son grew up thinking it was okay to treat a woman like that? Or worse what if my daughter thought that was what love was and how her future husband should treat her? Those thoughts killed me. And it only took 30 minutes for the shock to wear off and me to realize I would be raising this baby alone.
-------Flashback------
4 Months Ago
I walked in for the doctor's office, after sitting there for 30 minutes minutes in shock and horror. The first thing I did was strip off my close and examine my body in the mirror. There wasn't a difference, at two months along I couldn't see the change in my body, but I could feel it. I jumped in the shower and cried for another 30 minutes. After getting dressed, I started packing everything that was mine. I wasn't sure where I was going, all I knew is that I had to go. Not for me, but for my child.
As, I was loading up some boxes into my car, my dearest husband decided it would be a good day to come home from his "business trip". He looked at me with confusion written on his face. I just chuckled under my breath. Did he really think I would keep up with it?
"What are you doing?" He asked. I ignored him and kept loading the boxes. "Bella!! What are you DOING?!? Are you playing this 'I'm gonna leave you' game now?"
Game, huh. Funny. Doesn't look like a game. But just the thought that he would think my life, our marriage was a game filled me with so much rage.
"Fuck you." I said calmly. "How dare you. Game? When have I ever played games Edward? Isn't playing around more your game?"
"What are you talking about? Where are you going?" He was barely in control and I could tell by his clenched jaw he was trying not to yell and scream. He didn't want to put on a show for our neighbors.
I just walked past him and back into the house and grabbed some more boxes to load. As I began to move towards the door, he blocked my path.
"Edward move."
"No, not until you tell me what the hell is going on." He was screaming right in my face now.
"Tell me, How was your "business trip" with Tanya? A lot of people in New York having a hard time find a big wig divorce attorney now? And dinners at the Starlight Room for two? How romantic for your business dinner, Edward!" I screamed right back.
He was taken aback. Never have I fully confronted him about this. He knew I knew, but never have I called him out on it.
I took a few moments before he could speak again.
"Where are going? You can't leave." He said ignoring my question.
Now, it was my turn to take a moment. I just stared at him. Looking at the confusion, anger, and pain. And although the pain made me want to reach out and hold him, comfort him I didn't, wouldn't couldn't. It wasn't fair. He must have seen that same emotion in my eyes for the last 7 months and he never cared.
"Edward, I can and will leave. It's over, I want a divorce and I never, ever want to see or hear from you again." I said calmly. A hint of a smile pulling the the corner of my lips from finally freeing myself from this.
His eye were full on rage and disbelief now. "Your leaving me? And going where? Why are you doing this now?"
"I am going back to my father's for the time being, once the divorce is final I will be gone. Did you really expect me to do this forever? You don't even try any more. You take your girlfriend on romantic vacations and leave me to hate myself. I won't do it any more. I can't do it any more. I will not let our-" I stopped right there. I wasn't going to say another word. I pushed past him and continued out to my car.
"What about til death do us part. What about 'I'll always be yours Edward, forever'. It means nothing to you. Our marriage means nothing now?" He continued with his little rant and I walked and trailed behind. "Your so selfish. Always putting your needs first. And our what? Why didn't you finish that statement?"
"SELFISH? I'm selfish?!?" I looked on with disbelief as he nodded his head. "Your the one fucking your secretary. Taking her on trips. Staying weekends at her home and hotels. Your the one that brought that whore into our bed and kept fucking her knowing I was in the next room. What marriage, Edward? Does that sound like a marriage? No, it sounds like torture. No, it is torture. I know because I've lived with it for the past six months. Just let me go. you don't want me. Why do you want to keep putting me though this?"
His eyes closed face pale with each thing I had listed off. Like he really didn't see what it was doing to us, to me. When his eyes opened and they met mine there was nothing but agonizing pain and horror there. He just nodded his head and let me slip past him and back into the house.
I grabbed the last box, placing my purse on top if it to carry it out. In a very Bella fashion, I tripped on air and my purse dropped, spilling everything in it.
As I bent down to set the box down, I didn't notice Edward start picking up the items in to put back in until I turned around and saw him starting a small piece of paper. He was looking at it. He was looking at the picture of my bean with wide eyes.
"Bella?" he croaked out. I just looked away and kept gathering things.
"Bella?!?" he said a bit louder. I looked up and saw a single tear roll down his cheek. "Wha-What is this?"
"That" I said as a ripped it from his hands "is my child." I placed the photo back in my purse and started towards my car again.
He stopped me by putting a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Please talk to me about this, Bella."
I sighed. It was only fair. It was his child too. He had a right to know. "Okay, Edward, let me put these in my car and I will be back in so we can talk about this."
And we talked for 5 hours. I told him about the baby. And why I had to leave. He told me it was done. He wouldn't continue doing this knowing about the baby. He told me he loved me and would end it that minute. And he did. He called Tanya and told her he was done. That it wasn't fare to me or our marriage. He asked me to stay and to try again. I told him I needed time to think.
A week later. A week full of begging and talks and looking for new marriage counselors and I moved back home.
-----End Flashback-------
And everything changed. It wasn't fixed but it changed. We were making progress as a couple. He was home every night at 5:30pm and came to all my doctor's appointments. He even took me away for the weekend. He eventually fired Tanya for not showing up to work. Things were looking up.
Then about a month ago everything went back to before. With the exception of now he was trying to hide it. He was working longer hours, not coming home until 10 sometimes 11 o'clock at night. Some nights not bothering to come home. He's had "business trips" every weekend. Hushed phone calls. Abruptly leaving. Missing my doctor's appointments. Not showing up for counseling.
That brings me to two days ago. I went to his office to tell him I wanted my divorce and met his new receptionist, a nice elderly woman named Gladys. She informed me he hadn't been in that day or the day before. Calling in saying he was sick and needed a day or two off. I knew where he was. And at that moment I couldn't have been happier with what I had came there to do. With a polite 'Thank you' to Gladys I turned and walked out of the office, got in my car and started my trip to Tanya's house. A few blocks away, a car ran a red light speeding through the intersection
and hitting the passenger side of my car.
And than today, I wake up here. Without my husband. Who I am guessing is still at Tanya's.
Just than the door opens. I knew who it was. I heard the sharp intake of breath and the foot steps that rushed to my bedside.
"Bella, I'm so glad your alive." he said and tried to kiss me.
I pulled away and looked at him dead in the eye and said "I want my divorce". With that I rolled back over. I heard Esme start to sob and ask me why. I guess in the moment I didn't notice that his entire family was standing behind him. A few tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn't want to hurt his family. I loved them.
"Guys, can you leave and let me talk to Bella alone for a moment?" he asked his family.
I rolled back over and stopped them. "No, stay. You have every right to hear whatever is about to be said. That way you know why I want to leave."
"Bella, this isn't the time or place and you nee-" he began
"Where were you Edward?" I asked
"I was at the office. You know I'm working on a huge case that's why I haven't been home the last few days and than I had a meeting I couldn't reschedule. I couldn't leave." He said not meeting my eyes.
"Hmmm. Really? So, you've been at the office since Monday morning?" I asked innocently.
"Of course" he said "Where else would I be?"
"I don't know Tanya's? I want to the office on Tuesday Edward." I said shooting his family an apologetic smile for what was about to happen. "I know you called in Monday and Tuesday. Do you want to try again? Where were you?"
"I-I-I was-" he tried to think of something.
"It's okay Edward" I said softly placing my hand on his "I was on my way there to tell you I wanted a divorce. I know you've been sleeping with here again-"
"AGAIN?!?" his father yelled. I was taken a back. I have never heard him raise his voice. "How long has thins been going on?"
I looked at Carslie and smiled sadly at him. I would truly miss him. He was a second father to me. "Yes, again. Your son has been cheating on me for the past year. I found out I was pregnant, went to leave and he said it was over. Guess he lied... again."
Edward's face paled as he took in the expressions of his family. They ranged from hatred to disappointment to rage as they all filed our of the room to let us talk. When he looked at me he looked furious.
"Are you happy, Isabella?" he said "My family is going to disown me because of you. Is that what you wanted?"
"Please, don't blame this on me." I said calmly "You were the one at your whore's house. You were the one caught, again. You were the one that fucked her while I lie here unconscious."
He didn't say anything for awhile but I could see the regret and pain and anger in his eyes. He was quiet for too long.
"Edward, I want my divorce now." I said.
"What? No! No, Bella!" he said starting to cry "You can't I love you! What about our baby? We are supposed to be having a family together. You can't leave me. I know I fucked up this time but you have to forgive me."
"No Edward." I said calmly "There will be no forgiveness this time. There is no marriage. There is no us. There is no future family. There is no baby."
He looked confused before he started crying. "It's gone? We lost the baby?" he chocked out.
"Yes. Now you can be free." I said "There's no reason to stick by. You don't love me. Your dreams can come true."
"What dreams? My dream was our family!" he was getting past the hurt and moving on to the anger "And I do love you. Why did this happen? How did this happen?"
And just like that all calmness left my body and it was replaced with nothing but my hatred and anger. I looked him dead in the eye and he recoiled at what he saw.
"Are you serious?" I spoke each word slowly. "This happened because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants. This happened because you get some sick pleasure out of killing me and breaking my heart. This happened because when I went to your office to tell you I was done you were fucking your girlfriend. This happened because when I was on the way to Tanya's house an idiot driving hit my car." I paused and tried to shake the disgust I had for him as I said the next thing. " And again you still stayed with her while I was unconscious and your baby died."
"I had no idea." he cried "They said 'an accident' with you it could be anything! How was I supposed to know?"
"Two days, Edward." I was so angry "I was in here for two days. You thought it was one of my typical accidents?"
He wouldn't look me in the eye. he was staring at the ground when realization dawned on me.
"You took her out of town again?" i couldn't hold back. That cracked me.
"I'm sorry! I don't know what to say!" he said
"That's the problem. There is nothing you can say" I chocked out between my sobs "You did this to us. To me. To our baby. It is your fault. Why didn't you stop? You promised you would! I believed you. I don't know who the bigger idiot it here."
"MY FAULT?!?" he blown up in anger "My fault? I am so sick of you playing innocent and placing all the blame on me! Was the baby even mine? Or was it Jake's?"
"Wha-What?" I was stunned I couldn't even believe what he said or even meant by that.
"What nothing to say now, Isabella?" he sneered "Didn't think I knew about him. I found the letters last year when we moved into the new house! And you wondered why all this shit happened! It's because of you."
And at this point I lost all sanity and started laughing. No I was going to die of laughter or the pain the laughter was causing in my ribs.
"Are you serious?" I asked between laughs. I looked at him and the look of hatred and disgust rolling off of him at me sobered me quickly.
"The only 'Jake' I know is Jacob Black." I said "I dated him the 8th grade before I moved to Forks. Those letters you found are probably from that time. I've seen Jacob once or twice since moving from Phoenix."
Realization dawned on his faced. And I swear if he got any paler I was going to have to call a doctor in to check him out. But I figured I give him one last push before he jumped off the ledge.
"I ran into him about 2 years ago. he was up here for a show." I said calmly. He looked at me with curiosity. Like he was expecting me to confess an affair. "Yea. Apparently he's a really well known drag queen and travels the West Coast doing shows with his boyfriend."
And that was all it took. He started sobbing right in front of me, trying to hold me as I pushed him away.
"I'm so sorry. So sorry!" he sobbed out "What have I done. Oh God, What have I done?!?"
"I don't know." I said as I pushed him away again "But I know what you are going to do. You are going to leave here and never talk to me again. When the divorce papers come you will sign them without hesitation. I do not want anything from you. I do not want the house. Nor do I want any or your or your parents money."
"Bella, no, no, please!" he cried "We can work this out. It was a misunderstanding. I swear I will never do it again. please, baby, please. I love you. i can't live without you!"
"NO!" I said as forcefully as I could "A misunderstanding. Yes. One that you didn't confront me with. One that you decided an eye for an eye would be better. Well, look what you got instead. Our baby is dead."
He looked like he was burning alive as I spoke those words. I had to turn away. I would never want to see that look on anyones face for as long as I live.
"Now Edward." I said "I want you to leave. And don't come back. I will note security if you do. And I will not be above calling the cops for a restraining order. We are through. This is through. Leave."
With that he took one last long look at me and turned and walked out of the door and out of my live.
EPOV
"MY FAULT?!?" I screamed "My fault? I am so sick of you playing innocent and placing all the blame on me! Was the baby even mine? Or was it Jake's?"
"Wha-What?" she was stunned. Clearly she thought she was hiding it better than I was.
"What nothing to say now, Isabella?" I sneered "Didn't think I knew about him. I found the letters last year when we moved into the new house! And you wondered why all this shit happened! It's because of you!"
She started laughing. LAUGHING! What's funny? She tore us apart. She broke us and she thinks its funny? I knew she was a bitch but I never knew she was heartless.
"Are you serious?" she asked. I just stared at her pushing all the hatred I could at her.
"The only 'Jake' I know is Jacob Black." she stated very matter of fact "I dated him the 8th grade before I moved to Forks. Those letters you found are probably from that time. I've seen Jacob once or twice since moving from Phoenix."
Jacob Black. I knew that name. She told me about him when she first moved here. I didn't know they still kept in contact.
"I ran into him about 2 years ago. He was up here for a show." she said calmly. He looked at me with curiosity. Maybe she didn't cheat our entire relationship but she had to at least once. I mean they were in love, she was forced to leave and they bumped into eachother. There had to be some unresolved feelings. "Yea. Apparently he's a really well known drag queen and travels the West Coast doing shows with his boyfriend."
I couldn't hold it in. A loud sob broke through my lips. What did I do? I have been torturing the love of my life for the past year because of this. I have hurt her. She is here because of me.
"I'm so sorry. So sorry!" I sobbed out "What have I done. Oh God, What have I done?!?"
"I don't know." she said pushing me away "But I know what you are going to do. You are going to leave here and never talk to me again. When the divorce papers come you will sign them without hesitation. I do not want anything from you. I do not want the house. Nor do I want any or your or your parents money."
I knew she didn't want anything from me. Not even my love anymore. And I had done that. But I have to try I would do anything to take it back.
"Bella, no, no, please!" I cried "We can work this out. It was a misunderstanding. I swear I will never do it again. Please, baby, please. I love you. i can't live without you!"
"NO!" she yelled "A misunderstanding. Yes. One that you didn't confront me with. One that you decided an eye for an eye would be better. Well, look what you got instead. Our baby is dead."
The pain I felt at that moment was worse than anything I have ever or will ever feel again. I truly am a monster and deserve nothing but pain for the rest of my life. I have taken everything away from my angel. Everything. Why didn't I just confront her. Why did I listen to Tanya when she said it would be better to just cheat. I was an idiot thats why. I ignored it all and rubbed my affair in her face. I saw the pain but I didn't care. it was justified in my mind. Even me not rushing the hospital was justified. But not losing the baby. Even before this, that wasn't justified. And as it turns out none of it was. I killed our baby. I killed our marriage. I killed my wife's heart. All because I wanted her to hurt like I was. I deserve to die.
"Now Edward." she said calmly "I want you to leave. And don't come back. I will note security if you do. And I will not be above calling the cops for a restraining order. We are through. This is through. Leave."
I just stared at her memorizing her face. Knowing it would be the last time I would ever see my angel. I silently screamed out "I love you more than anything. Nothing will ever change that. I'm yours forever' and turned and walked out the down to confront my family.
None of them said anything. They just looked at me. I don't know how much they hear but I knew they heard at least some of it. Emmett punched me in the stomach. Alice slapped me across the face. Rosalie and Jasper both spit on me. While my parents both looked on shaking their heads not hiding the disappointment and anger they felt.
I didn't say anything. I walked out of the hospital and got in my car. It was time to get my life in order. And dialed the all to familiar numbers. I rang twice before it picked up.
"Hello"
"Tanya" I said "I'm coming over."
"Hurry up, lover boy" she purred into the phone "I'm ready and waiting"
With a curt 'bye' I hung up the phone. Thinking about how my life will be empty from now until my death. It wouldn't be far to be happy knowing all the agony I have caused to the person I loved most in this world.
The light turned green and I started to pull out of the intersection when I saw lights to the left of me right before the sound of crunching metal and scrapping.
My last thought was. This is too easy, too quick. I deserve worse. Then everything fated to black.
Here Lies
Edward A. Cullen
Beloved Son, Brother
and Husband
June 20, 1985 - March 16, 2009