Author: aomurasakiai
Warnings: Post-EW, Shounen Ai, Lots of Angst, Bit of Sap?
Pairings: Past 1+2+1, Current R+1, Constant 1+2, Ending 2+1 (Confused yet?)
Spoilers: Not *really* unless you count subtle hints of the series and EW
Rating: PG
Notes: I've read tons of fics where Heero decides to quit being Relena's bodyguard because he says his team could handle it without him. I have yet to find one that actually proves that statement. This is an attempt to do that, although described in really short detail (since I'm not much of an action person). Also some clichés are incorporated in here with Heero regretting becoming Relena's bodyguard and Relena all clingy on Heero. *shrug* Can't help it.
Dedication: BIG dedication to Keiko-chan!! Her fanart entitled "My December" inspired me to write the semi-big flashback. Ah it was the perfect scene… Domo arigato!
Song: "Mr. Deja Vu" by naja
Songfic Notes:
[romaji song lyrics]
(English translation)
Heero stood in front of a full body mirror, straightening his tie and brushing flecks of dust off his black suit. Tonight was yet another party he must attend with Relena as her bodyguard; he had lost count of how many he'd gone to since the end of the second Eve Wars last year. Once he felt he looked presentable, the Japanese ex-pilot hesitated before going out of his room. He was feeling tired… and it wasn't the first time either. The feeling was getting worse each day, straining him more and more both physically and mentally. He brought his hand up to his chest to rub a necklace through his white shirt that once belonged to a certain braided American. Feeling the cross hanging from the chain his lips turned up almost sadly and cobalt blue eyes closed. Even after a year it still comforted him, albeit slightly.
"Heero…?" came a soft voice. Reluctantly his hand dropped to his side and Heero turned around to face the young woman who came into his room. Standing there almost shyly, Relena was dressed in the same deep blue dress he'd seen her wear three years ago. Three years ago on the dock by the sea… where he'd first met Duo Maxwell.
"Are you ready?" Relena asked. Heero nodded, the weight around his neck forgotten as his mind turned to his bodyguard duties.
"Aa."
~*~*~
[kumo ni mizutamari afurete
sora ga nakidashisou]
(The clouds overflow with rain puddles and the sky is ready to weep)
Heero glanced out of the window from inside the pink limousine and took in the darkening clouds in the early evening sky.
"Did you bring your umbrella?" he questioned Relena who was sitting on the other side of the long, leather seat.
"Yes, I did," she answered, showing him a small, dark purple umbrella. Heero stared at it, its color reminding him briefly of sparkling violet eyes. Relena watched how the hard cobalt eyes of her bodyguard softened. She turned away, smiling to herself while missing the sadness that crept into the other's eyes.
"It's the only one I have. Even though it's small, I'm sure that we can both share it," she said quietly, pink tinting her cheeks. That snapped Heero out of his reminiscent thinking.
"No need." Relena looked over to see Heero holding up a black umbrella. She flushed with embarrassment for being so forward and kept silent for the rest of the ride. When they arrived at the large embassy where the party was being held, Heero got out and opened the door for her. Relena followed suit and linked her arm through his, unconsciously trying to take in the other's masculine scent.
Heero glanced at her from the corner of his eye, suppressing a sigh. Every time it was the same… she would just latch onto him once they were out of the car and he couldn't get out of her grip throughout the rest of the party. Cobalt blue eyes closed tiredly, the Japanese knowing it was no use to try. They walked in and immediately the uncountable number of important people who were there greeted Relena. She smiled politely and blushed when anyone mentioned what a handsome "date" she had. Heero just blocked everything out as he scanned the area for possible danger. He spotted the other bodyguards and noted their positions. Before he knew it, Relena had led them both to the dance floor.
~*~*~
"Come, Heero. Won't you dance with me?" Relena asked yet again. Heero shook his head, having danced six times with her already. He was relieved when another young man came up to request a dance with her and she reluctantly agreed. Feeling a bit claustrophobic he stepped away from the large crowd and out onto the balcony. A light rain was falling and the cool air hit his face. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
[oborete yuku nichiijyou no
naka mabuta no ura tsumetai]
(Drowning in the hum-drum days, the insides of my eyelids feel cold)
A laughing heart-shaped face appeared in his mind and his hand crept up to his chest again. Heero grasped the necklace through the shirt, opening his eyes to look out into the night. The black clouds blocked the stars from view and he wondered where the braided young man was now. It took a long time for him to admit it but… he missed the other ex-pilot deeply. Duo was everything to him and Heero knew that he'd lost him for good. What he did… even *he* couldn't forgive himself for.
He didn't have any more time to contemplate as a gunshot was heard inside followed by screams. Snapping out of it, he turned around and ran back inside. Everyone was in a panic; he saw Relena pulled to safety by one of the other bodyguards. No one seemed to have sustained any injuries yet and they were being lead out as well.
"What's the situation?" he yelled, pulling out his gun.
"Sniper," one informed him. They all took cover and glanced around, trying to locate where the sharpshooter was hiding. Not a second later, Heero's com link crackled to life.
"I got him. Disarming and holding him down." Heero confirmed and soon a deceptively small bodyguard came out, dragging the unknown and cuffed sniper with him. He was immediately taken away when backup arrived and Heero noted how quickly the team took action despite all the confusion so he could report it back to his superior. By that time, everyone in the embassy had been escorted to safety. Heero, along with the other bodyguards, stayed late to check over the entire place to make sure no one else was there. It took almost an hour due to the large area that had to must be covered but once he was satisfied, the Japanese nodded to the others and departed as well.
~*~*~
Pargan greeted an exhausted Heero at the door.
He nodded to the old butler and was about to go to his room, intent on
resting, when Relena's soft voice stopped him.
"Heero?" The unruly haired Japanese took a deep breath to prepare himself for the expected bombardment of questions from her.
"Are you okay? Why were you so late? Where did you go when I went dancing? Did you manage to catch the shooter? Were you hurt?"
"Relena," he said firmly, cutting her short. "Please." Heero brushed past her to head to his room. Once inside he sat heavily on his bed, burying his face in his hands. He was useless tonight. He had done nothing to stop the sniper and he was the head bodyguard! The team had worked so quickly in getting everyone out while calling for backup and nullifying the danger. While he was glad to have such a great team to command, it was then that he realized something… Even though he wasn't there, Relena was still protected and kept from harm; the others were enough to guard her. He didn't have to be her personal bodyguard… like he thought he needed to be. And because of that thought, he had left Duo all those months ago…
Shedding his suit he flopped backwards onto the bed, regret cutting deep into his heart.
[nagai yoru hitori koete]
(Wasting away a long and lonely night)
Flashback begins
"Duo, promise me."
*acts innocent* "What?"
*hesitates and then quietly* "You know what…"
*chuckles* "I know I know." *embraces the other tightly* "I promise I will never leave you. Ever."
Flashback ends
Heero woke up again; this time not even 10 minutes had passed since he drifted off. Every time he dreamt he saw how it was like when he and Duo were still together, right before the war ended. He had extracted many promises from the braided ex-pilot during that time but in return, he had broken each and every one. Sitting up, the Japanese man closed his eyes against the tears that threatened to leak out.
"K'so…" he cursed, angry with himself. He gripped onto the bed sheets while one hand grasped tightly on the metal cross around his neck, the sharp points cutting into his skin.
"Duo…" came the anguished, desperate whisper.
~*~*~
[tameiki de keshita asa no
oto]
(The sounds of morning erased with a sigh)
Hours later, violet eyes opened blearily and blinked. Outside Duo's bedroom window, leaves on the trees rustled in the wind. It was a beautiful morning to wake up to. He just wished he had someone to share it with… Duo rolled off his bed to wash up. He still had another hour before he had to head out to work. When he emerged from the bathroom, he went into the living room and sat down on the couch. Leaning back, he covered his eyes with one hand.
"It's been one year… already," he said quietly. Nothing answered him and he expected that much. The house had been silent ever since Heero had left and Duo had also grown quieter, more reserved than he ever was in the wars. He just didn't have a reason to talk anymore. Reaching over to the small, square table beside the couch, he picked up the photo of himself and Heero. A sad smile formed on usually grinning lips as he ran one finger down the cheek of the person he once loved. It was one of the few he had of Heero; the only one he had of them both together.
Duo stared at it a little longer before getting up and going into his room to retrieve a small picture album from its place deep in the closet. It had all the pictures of Heero he secretly took throughout the two wars. Granted there weren't a lot, because Heero always destroyed the film before he could develop it. Flipping through it he saddened at how quickly the pictures changed, from a colored picture of Heero with his ubiquitous green tank top and spandex to a magazine article about Relena's new personal bodyguard to a newspaper clipping of Heero in a black suit, standing next to Relena. The braided man realized he had more clippings than pictures and he gave a harsh laugh. Flipping to the back he pulled out a golden nameplate. On it was both his and Heero's names, written in elegant handwriting.
Near the end of the war Duo had bought the nameplate in hopes of putting it up right next to the door of their house. At the time he dreamed of a home where he could spend the rest of his life in with Heero. And when the war ended, he thought that his dream would come true because the Japanese ex-pilot agreed to move in with him.
But then…
[torimodosenai zureta jikan
wa mou]
(It's impossible to get back the time that slipped by)
Dejectedly Duo placed it back into the album and walked out to the living room, also carrying the single photo of Heero holding him so tenderly. Staring down at them one last time he dropped both into the wastebasket along with his hopes and dreams. Heading out the front door to work, he never looked back.
[makimodosenai](Can't be rewound)
Duo walked down the block, passing by the coffee shop where he and Heero spent time most mornings before going to work. He once loved the atmosphere in there. There weren't a lot of patrons beside themselves and they could talk without fearing others listening in. However, for the past year he'd never stepped inside. It hurt just to think about it.
[misutaa dejavuu kimi ga
inai]
(Mr. Deja Vu, you're not here)
He entered the computer company where he worked and used to work with Heero. Duo sighed as he thought about how they used to ride up the elevator to the third floor alone, him chatting away and Heero listening with a smile on his face. Right when they reached their floor, he would receive a soft kiss on the lips. But now the elevator remained quiet inside. The bell dinged and the doors slid open. And subconsciously in his mind, Duo still felt the kiss he missed so much.
[maboroshi ni natta kimi]
(You became a phantom)
Sitting down at his desk the braided man started to work his way through the piles of paperwork, hoping they would be enough to distract him and keep him from shedding the tears he had wanted to shed for so long.
~*~*~
"But Heero, you can't quit!" Heero finished his packing and glanced up at Relena.
"Last night proved that the other bodyguards are more than capable of protecting you when I'm not there."
"But…" Heero's gaze turned ice cold.
"You do not *need* me," he said with finality, hoisting up his bag and leaving without another word.
~*~*~
After many hours of driving, it was mid-afternoon when he finally arrived at their… *Duo's* house. Heero pulled out the key to the front door. He couldn't throw it away even when he'd left, so he kept it close by, hoping to one day be able use it again. He quietly opened the door and glanced around. It looked empty inside and Heero figured Duo must still be at work… at work with *him* had he still been there. He let himself in and decided to wait until the other returned. Dropping his bag on the floor he noted the many changes that had occurred since he'd left. It wasn't as messy as he expected it to be; Heero was the one who cleaned up while Duo did the cooking. And it held a more desolate look with the drab colors painted on the walls.
Forcing himself to do something rather than be idle while waiting, the Japanese man bent over and started to pick up the small pieces of trash on the floor. He went over to the wastebasket and was about to toss them inside when something caught his eye. He reached in to pull out the album and photo and his heart constricted painfully as he felt everything shatter. It was the two items that Duo promised he'd treasure forever. They were something priceless to the braided boy and to find it in the trash… Heero hoped that it wasn't too late.
Almost numb with shock, the unruly haired ex-pilot sat down on the couch and flipped through the album. He saw the few photographs of himself, which were considerably fewer than the magazine and newspaper clippings. It was a harsh reality, Heero realizing just how much Duo wanted pictures of him and regretted all the times he hadn't allowed the other to develop the films during the wars. He reached the end of the album and spotted the nameplate. Carefully he took it out to run a finger lightly across their names.
"Gomen… Duo, gomen…" Heero whispered, his voice thick with emotion. He should have realized it. Duo was so ecstatic when he agreed to move in with him after the war. Obviously he wanted them both to live together permanently! But now he feared he had ruined that chance. Placing the album on his lap and picking up the photo of them both, Heero decided to wait until Duo came home. All he hoped for was the other's forgiveness.
[kizuita no kimi ga inaito
tokei no hari wa ugokanai]
(I noticed if you're not here the hands of the clock won't move)
Heero glanced up at the clock on the wall once again. He felt like he'd been sitting there for days but it turned out it was only a little past an hour. The silence in the house was suffocating and the thoughts running through his mind overwhelming. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop the continual flashback of the last night he and Duo were together… that night he now lamented.
Flashback begins
[(Speak to me)]
"You really have to go… don't you?" Heero stops packing and looks over to Duo, who is sitting half naked on the middle of their bed in the darkened room, save for a pair of boxers and the cross around his neck. The dim light emanating from a lamp nearby casts a soft glow on the other and the unruly haired ex-pilot can see the bruise on the braided teen's stomach where he punched him not long ago. Walking over, the Japanese boy reaches out and gently cups Duo's cheek.
"You know I have to. I have to make sure Relena is safe," he says.
"I know." Duo forces a small smile. "I'm not stopping you. After all, with you as her bodyguard no one can even touch her, ne?" Heero didn't answer and Duo just closes his eyes.
"You'll still keep in touch, right?" he barely whispers as he feels the other withdraw his hand. Opening his violet eyes, he sees Heero sigh and sit down on the edge of the bed, facing away from him.
"I can't promise you that," Heero whispers. Being a bodyguard means he didn't have much time for himself, much less for others. He feels the bed shift as Duo moves over to him. Pressing himself against the Japanese ex-pilot, Duo wraps his arms loosely around the teen's waist. They stay motionless and silent for a moment before Duo speaks again.
[sayonara wo iwanai mama
hitorikiri ni shinaide]
(Don't leave me alone without saying goodbye)
In reality Heero didn't want to leave the braided boy. But he is torn between the other and the mission that he had set for himself: to ensure that peace will be maintained. Thus he must keep Relena safe. Mentally Heero calculates he has about three hours before he needed to catch the shuttle down to Earth.
The least he can do is spend it with Duo…
~*~*~
Another 45 minutes left. Heero looks down at the sleeping teen in his arms. He knows he'll never get tired of holding Duo, caressing him, taking in his scent… God, he will miss this the most. Brushing his lips across the other's cheek, Heero gently and carefully lowers Duo onto the pillow. As he gets up, Duo's words echoes in his mind.
//Don't leave me alone without saying goodbye…//
"Gomen Duo. I can't." Heero reaches over and unclasps Duo's necklace. After covering Duo with a blanket, the unruly haired teen silently slips out of the room along with his duffel bag and the necklace. In a way the cross eases his mind that it wasn't goodbye but just a temporary parting… He'll return it one day and they'll meet again.
Flashback ends
Touching the cross that now hung around his neck, Heero listened to the second hand on the clock as it continued to tick in the silent room.
~*~*~
Duo unlocked the door to his house and pushed it open tiredly, careful not to spill any papers he'd stuffed in a manila folder. It had been a long day at work and he was exhausted from sitting in front of the computer in his office. Subconsciously he wondered just how Heero managed to do that during the wars without getting a headache. Realizing what or rather who he was thinking about he shook his head to wipe it off his mind. The braided man planted one hand on the wall and kicked his shoes off, flexing his toes that had been cramped all day.
"Duo?"
He froze at the soft call of his name in that achingly familiar voice. All of a sudden he had difficult time breathing as he slowly turned around to see Heero Yuy standing by the couch in the living room. The other was watching him almost guardedly, like if he just *moved* too soon Duo would bolt. They stood motionless, both not speaking, not knowing how to approach the other. Finally it was Duo who spoke in an almost emotionless voice.
"Been a long time." Heero nodded, surprised that Duo didn't start asking questions or even get mad. He tried to read Duo's face like he always had done in the past when something was bothering the other. It wasn't hard because even when the joker mask was in place, stormy violet eyes gave everything away. But now the Japanese couldn't… the half-lidded eyes were blank and expressionless.
"Since you invited yourself in, I won't tell you to make yourself comfortable," Duo continued. Duo made a sweeping motion with his hand at the other. Heero quickly obeyed the silent command and sat back down on the couch. He watched as the other head into the bedroom down the hall, presumably to put away the manila folder, before coming back and sitting down on the couch quite a distance away. Duo placed his elbows on his knees and leaned heavily on them, letting out a long sigh. When he spoke, his voice was incredibly low and brusque.
"What brings you here?" Lips parted but Heero's mind was frozen. He didn't know what to say. And the way Duo was acting… was not like the Duo he once knew.
"Duo, I've… quit being Relena's bodyguard. It wasn't vital that it had to be me." Heero held his breath, wondering what Duo's response would be.
"That still doesn't explain why you're here." Heero almost flinched; he had expected anger or rage. Even sorrow or tears. Not this… calm, unwavering voice.
"Gomen. I'm sorry." He saw Duo's violet eyes glance at him before the heart-shaped face turned to face him.
"That's all?" With that clipped question, Heero felt all his emotions pushing against his throat and his vision started to get blurry.
"Duo… can't you be angry with me? Just yell and scream. Or hit me. Something!" he implored, wanting just *some* reaction out of his long time partner. Duo always responded to everything with such vigor and passion. Still Duo didn't move or speak. Heero tightened his jaw as he stared back at the changed man before him.
"I'm not forgiven… am I?" Silence met him yet again. "Duo, I'm really sorry. Please don't give up on us. I want us to start again," he said, picking up the photo album and the framed picture from the table next to the couch where he'd laid them down when Duo came home. The other still didn't move and Heero began to grow panicked. In a second he was next to the silent man, placing the two items on the other's lap and taking limp hands in his own.
"Onegai. Onegai Duo," Heero pleaded with him. "I want us to be together again. I was a baka… am a baka for leaving you. I chose my duty because I thought it was the right thing to do. I was mistaken. I felt like… like… I must be the one to protect her and the peace she'll bring but I was wrong. I felt trapped. Tired… I don't want to feel like that anymore…" The Japanese ex-pilot too grew quiet and slumped forward, touching the warm, yet slack hands with his forehead. A long moment passed before he spoke again, though he desperately wished that Duo would say *something*.
"I promise you, Duo…" he murmured, head still bowed. "…I won't leave you again. Aishiteru. Itsumo…"
"I don't believe in forever anymore."
Heero's breath hitched and it seemed like everything shattered with that one sentence. Suddenly he felt cold and looked up in shock at the other.
"'Forever' doesn't exist like I once believed," Duo continued in that voice Heero was beginning to hate. "I knew one day you'd leave. I didn't stop you but all I wanted was a goodbye."
"Duo." Heero rose up on his knees to cup the other's cheek and was relieved when Duo didn't move away. "Duo, I took your cross to tell you that I would return. I *would* be back."
"Tell me? Or yourself?" Duo asked. He sighed again and turned away. "I hoped for a year that you'd at least get in touch with me and held onto that hope for that long. But as you know…" He looked back at Heero, holding up the album and picture.
"I lost it." And Duo dropped them like they meant nothing. Heero's heart ripped in two when he heard them thump dully on the floor. Tears built up but refused to fall. He was too late… He breathed in a trembling breath. His own numb hand slid down to the other's shoulder as he prepared himself for one final request.
"Can I hold you one last time…?" But he didn't wait for the other's response and immediately crushed the lean frame to his chest, clinging onto Duo like he was his lifeline. Tears finally spilled silently down his cheeks… the tears he'd kept in for so long rushing out and not stopping. Heero tightened his embrace, feeling cold because it was not being returned. He bit his lip from sobbing out loud; he wasn't mad at Duo… he was mad at himself for walking away from the only thing important in his life. Blinded by his duty, his mission and now it took something like this to make him see again. He just wanted Duo back again.
After a long moment Heero loosened his grip, his cheeks damp with tearstains. Before he could pull away he felt Duo place his arms lightly on his back.
"You're crying…" Duo whispered. Heero was speechless that Duo was holding him in return. Savoring the contact he closed his eyes and nodded, admitting to what Duo said.
"This is the first time I've ever seen you cry… Heero," he continued, his voice seemingly choked up. More tears slowly escaped the Japanese ex-pilot's closed eyes as he heard his name spoken by the other for the first time in months.
"Why?" came the soft question.
"I'm scared," Heero confessed just as quietly.
"Of what?"
"Of not being with you anymore… I finally know how much it hurts." Heero inhaled deeply, trying to keep his voice from trembling.
"Gomen, Duo. Honto ni gomen." Arms tightened around the unruly-haired man and Heero felt his shirt becoming damp. His own tears forgotten, the young Japanese just held onto Duo, comforting the other in return. The braided man cried just as silently as he did, but every tear that fell on Heero's shirt pierced through him, full of hurt and pain.
It seemed like hours before they pulled away from each other. Heero reached up and brushed Duo's wet cheeks with his fingers. The braided man inhaled deeply, trying to get his emotions under control again before giving the other a small smile."Heero, I…" Duo hesitated. Cobalt eyes widened as the Japanese man held his breath, hoping against hope. He could see it in the violet eyes… the stormy violet eyes, that feelings were conflicting deep inside the young man before him. Heero locked his gaze with Duo and asked for his trust silently. Duo blinked and barely nodded his head, all hesitation finally erased.
"I still love you…" Heero released his breath shakily, in relief. He took hold of Duo's cheeks and he felt a wave of happiness along with hope flow through him as clear violet eyes gazed back, now no longer blank and expressionless. With his heart pounding, Heero slowly leaned closer until their breaths mingled between them.
"Can I kiss you?" he barely whispered. Heero watched as Duo's eyes, full of trust, closed and he followed suit, pressing forward the last inch and finally sharing a kiss after one year of separation. It was long and unhurried, just a touch of lips on lips and no more. Their breaths slowed down and unconsciously they matched, breathing in and out when the other did. Heero moved one of his hands from Duo's face to the braided man's nape, caressing the chestnut hair and making the other tilt his head back slightly.
When they finally broke apart Heero couldn't help but kiss the other's cheek softly, whispering 'I'm sorry' once again. Slowly Duo shook his head.
"No need for apologies any more, Heero. Let us just start over."
"Aa…" the Japanese ex-pilot agreed and pulled the other close. Drained emotionally, Duo just let himself relax in Heero's protective hold, resting his head on the strong shoulder. They sat together in silence and Duo felt fingers intertwining with his own. Slowly he closed his eyes and after one year of loneliness, he willingly allowed sleep to claim him with one thought still lingering in the back of his mind.
[eien nante nai to shitemo]
(Even if there's no such thing as forever)
Seeing that his love had fallen asleep, Heero finally smiled his first smile in a year. Strangely enough Duo's lips curled up as well.
[akai ito wo shinjite itai]
(I want to believe in our red string)
Owari
Notes: The "red string" most likely
refers to an ancient legend/myth in the Eastern world (ie. China) where a red
string ties two lovers together.