He's dieing inside. Wanting what he knows he can't have. Loving the one
he isn't allowed to love. But he can't just stop it; it has gone so far
that he has lost all control of it, and that it's a challenge enough just
to keep from drowning in it.
But then that person left him. And it was his own fault they left, too. It broke his heart, and it was all he could do to keep smiling, day after day, night after lonely night.
He remembers the times when they were best friends. They were always together, and when one was being hurt, the other would help, no matter what. But as they grew older, all of that changed. He blames himself for the changes. After all, there is no one else to blame.
Now he sees his most important person at most 3 times a month, if he is lucky. They used to see each other everyday. When one was frightened from a storm or a bad dream, they would crawl into bed together, and that made sleep come quickly. When was it that he started longing for those nights in bed together, when he started wanting even more than that?
He doesn't remember, just as he doesn't remember ever feeling differently about that person. He knows he must have, that he didn't feel this way at first, or even for a seemingly long time, but he doesn't remember what it felt like: to love, but not in the forbidden way.
He wonders how long he will feel this way, wonders how long he will feel this pain and longing for the impossible. He even tries to make himself fall in love with another, but it doesn't work. Not yet, anyway. Not while the pain of separation is still fresh within him, before he has time to at least get over that.
And so he surrounds himself with smiles. The only times he doesn't smile now is when he is so interested in something that he forgets and loses himself, or when it concerns the one he loves. If they are going to be hurt, there is no possibility at all that he can continue to smile.
And so he lives each day, wondering when the pain will fade, at least a little; longing for it to and yet wishing for it to always be there inside of him at the same time. He can't imagine not loving them, by now. It has been too long.
***
A/N: Another shorty from me. *Who* could have *ever* guessed that *I* would write Fujicest. Not me, that's for sure. I avoided ever really using any pronouns beside 'he'. I don't know why I did it that way, I just did. And I never really came right out and said who Fuji loves, and why it is forbidden, or even what gender that person is. Don't know why I did it that way either, but for some reason whenever I was going to type 'he' for Yuuta, I found myself not wanting to and thinking of something else to use to describe him. And you can decide for yourself if the one who Fuji tried to make himself fall in love with, to get over Yuuta, was Tezuka or Taka- san. I don't even know who it is supposed to be myself. Hope this one isn't too confusing, as well ^^; I'm actually quite happy with this story though... It just kind of flowed out of me, and I'm for once actually kind of happy with something I wrote *amazed* Please leave a review.
But then that person left him. And it was his own fault they left, too. It broke his heart, and it was all he could do to keep smiling, day after day, night after lonely night.
He remembers the times when they were best friends. They were always together, and when one was being hurt, the other would help, no matter what. But as they grew older, all of that changed. He blames himself for the changes. After all, there is no one else to blame.
Now he sees his most important person at most 3 times a month, if he is lucky. They used to see each other everyday. When one was frightened from a storm or a bad dream, they would crawl into bed together, and that made sleep come quickly. When was it that he started longing for those nights in bed together, when he started wanting even more than that?
He doesn't remember, just as he doesn't remember ever feeling differently about that person. He knows he must have, that he didn't feel this way at first, or even for a seemingly long time, but he doesn't remember what it felt like: to love, but not in the forbidden way.
He wonders how long he will feel this way, wonders how long he will feel this pain and longing for the impossible. He even tries to make himself fall in love with another, but it doesn't work. Not yet, anyway. Not while the pain of separation is still fresh within him, before he has time to at least get over that.
And so he surrounds himself with smiles. The only times he doesn't smile now is when he is so interested in something that he forgets and loses himself, or when it concerns the one he loves. If they are going to be hurt, there is no possibility at all that he can continue to smile.
And so he lives each day, wondering when the pain will fade, at least a little; longing for it to and yet wishing for it to always be there inside of him at the same time. He can't imagine not loving them, by now. It has been too long.
***
A/N: Another shorty from me. *Who* could have *ever* guessed that *I* would write Fujicest. Not me, that's for sure. I avoided ever really using any pronouns beside 'he'. I don't know why I did it that way, I just did. And I never really came right out and said who Fuji loves, and why it is forbidden, or even what gender that person is. Don't know why I did it that way either, but for some reason whenever I was going to type 'he' for Yuuta, I found myself not wanting to and thinking of something else to use to describe him. And you can decide for yourself if the one who Fuji tried to make himself fall in love with, to get over Yuuta, was Tezuka or Taka- san. I don't even know who it is supposed to be myself. Hope this one isn't too confusing, as well ^^; I'm actually quite happy with this story though... It just kind of flowed out of me, and I'm for once actually kind of happy with something I wrote *amazed* Please leave a review.