HOME WRECKERS
Hey guys. I don't own any X-Men or characters. with that said, those who know about my other fics, Shameful Thoughts of an Amphibian, Todd secrets, and Rage of a Teenage Mutant Amphibian, they kinda havnt been something you read to make ya smile. Which is good, cuz their meant to bum ya out or get you foaming at the mouth. Though, I thought I'd try for comedy. Hope you dudes like
The four rag tag bunch of teens stood on her nicely painted white porch. "Hey boss lady, nice digs," whistled Todd. Mystique growled and picked up the crouched teen up by the front of his shirt. "I swear, if anything is missing or broken, I'm going to rip every little hair off of your greasy, slimy head," she hissed into the frightened young teen. She tossed him roughly into the house. Todd went flying and landed on her plush, white cotton couch. "Hey don't worry, nothing is gonna go wrong. I mean, you are PAYING us to take care of things, right?" grinned Lance, extending his hand. The other two teens grinned at each other. Mystique sighed, and reached into her purse, and pulled out a wad of twenties. Lance quickly pocketed the cash. "Like I said, nothing will go wrong. Now, you go and have fun now," said Lance, quickly pushing Mystique out the door. Mystique let out an exhausted sigh and walked off the porch to her car. She took a long look at her beautiful house, knowing she may never see it again, then drove off.
Fred, Pietro, and Lance walked into the living room where Todd had been tossed. All three boys looked in awe. "Oh man! It's like that movie seen in the movie with like Nicole Kidman and the guy she was dating. This place is like one of those houses, well, except for the hot nude chick passed out on the couch," remarked Pietro. Fred moved over to the couch, and looked over hopefully, but quickly a look of disappointment was on his face. "No, no hot chick, just Todd," he said and made his way to the other room, his stomach growling. Todd jumped up and crouched on the top of the couch. "Yo, wassup with that? Give a chick a compliment and they walk all over ya," exclaimed Todd. Lance and Pietro groaned. Todd looked around the room. "Holy cow, yo! I've been to a place like this, cept I lived with like a ton of other kids. Oh no, maybe Mystique tricked us into an boarding house!" yelled Todd, jumping around the room nervously. "Toad you idiot, why would Mystique pay us to go to a boarding home?" growled Lance, sick of the young boy's ignorance. "Oh ok. That makes sense. Hey guys! I bet ya I can climb to the top of the ceiling," said Todd, as he jumped onto the wall, and quickly climbed up the wall. Though, as he climbed, he left slimy hand and foot prints. "Oh shit, hey Todd cut it out man! You're making a mess!" yelled Pietro. Todd had already reached the top, and looked down. The young boy's eyes grew wide with fear, and yelled. "HOLY COW! This is way too high!" screamed Todd, and he lost his grip and fell. The teen desperately grabbed for something, and he did. The expensive crystal chandilier. Todd swung violently from side to side, sending a loud creaking sound throughout the house. "Toad just jump! We'll catch ya!" yelled Lance, running back and forth trying to position himself under Todd. "No you won't! You'll let me fall, just like that time you guys made me climb that tall tree to get a kite!" yelled Todd.
There was a loud crash that made all three look towards the other room. "Oh shit, what did Fred break?" said Pietro, as he quickly speed into the next room. Lance had to dive to catch a vase that was knocked from its perch. "She didn't pay me enough for this," he growled as he gently put the vase back in its place. "Lance! Help me!" screamed the smaller teen, still hanging for dear life to the chandilier. Lance looked up, and could of sworn he saw cracks in the ceiling. "Todd, just jump, I swear I'll catch you," he yelled. The small teen gulped, and let go. Lance raced across the room, trying to get under Todd before he hit ground. Just as Lance was about to reach the spot right under Todd, he tripped over the rug and fell flat on his face. He hit the ground with a hard thud, knocking the wind out of him. Just before he could catch his breath, Todd feel on his back. This brought another gasp from Lance's mouth. Todd jumped off of Lance quickly and smiled down happily. "Thanks man, I owe ya one, yo," said Todd. Lance growled and grabbed at the younger teen. Todd laughed, and jumped up the long staircase. "I swear, I'm asking for more money after this," grumbled Lance as he got to his feet and went after Todd.
Meanwhile, Pietro was in the kitchen, staring in horror at all the food containers and all the food pieces covering the kitchen. In middle of the garbage pile like mess was Fred. He was cursing and pulling out broken pieces of chair from under him. "Dude, Fred, you just ate Mystique out of a months pay check of food," exclaimed the teen. Fred growled and stood up. "Hey, they feed me twice this much when I was with the monster truck rally. She knew what she was in for," he grumbled. Before he could make another trip to the fridge, Pietro speed in front of him. "Hey, let's find Lance and Todd, bet their doing something cool," he suggested. Fred grinned and looked pleased. "Yeah! I bet Mystique has some cool stuff," he said, and the two teens left the trashed kitchen and walked back into the living room. It was empty. "Maybe they went up stairs," suggested Fred. Pietro grinned and jumped on the banister on the stairs and raced up to the top. "Come on Freddy, I bet Todd found some cool stuff," he yelled. Fred moved up the stairs as quickly as he could. By the time he got the top, he heard loud whoops of laughter coming down the hall. He quickly moved to the room where the laugher originated. There he found Pietro, Lance, and Todd laughing at a home video of Mystique. Fred had to blush because Mystique was wearing only a thong and bra.
"AH HA HA HA! Oh boy, look at the boss lady go!" howled Todd as he rolled of the bed with laughter. "Hey guys! Look what I found!" yelled Todd. He pulled out a whip and a few chains. "Whoa, she's a kinky little minx," said Pietro. Fred got on his knees and pulled out a box. "Hey I wonder what's in here?" he asked, and shook the box roughly. To all the boys surprise, the box began to shake violently, giving off a mad buzz. "AHHHHHHH RATTLESNAKE!" screamed Todd, who quickly leaped to the doorway and out into the hallway. Fred quickly panicked and threw the box on the bed and ran after Todd. Pietro and Lance looked at each other confused. "Why would she have a rattlesnake in a box?" asked Pietro, when suddenly Lance started to laugh even harder than before. The teen quickly left the room, laughing like a mad man. Pietro stood alone in the room, with the madly buzzing box. He looked at it and walked outta the room with a confused look on his face.
The two teens found Fred and Todd alone in Mystique large den. They were watching a big screen T.V. "Hey yo! Check it out, the boss has cable," chirped Todd, the fear of the buzzing box forgotten. "Yeah, we're watching dude where's my car," remarked Fred, who thankfully was sitting on the floor next to the crouched Todd. Lance and Pietro plopped onto the couch. Lance found the remote and started flipping channels.
Cartoon
Robots
Monsters
Show in French
Naked Ladies
Jerry Springer
Cops
Powerpuff Girls
Oprah
"Hey! Go back to that other channel," yelled Todd. Lance looked at him confused. "Power Puff Girls?" he asked. Pietro and Fred looked at him confused also. "No man, the naked chick channel!!" exclaimed Todd. All four teens stared at the screen as Lance flipped back channels, till he found the Playboy channel again. All four of them watched in awe. "Ah man, we gotta house sit more often," whispered Fred. Lance quickly changed the channel, to Pay Per View. "Hey, lets order some movies," said Lance. Pietro zoomed over to the phone and dialed in the number, said something and hung up. He zoomed and jumped up onto the couch. "What ya get?" asked Lance. "Masked Murders of Diamond Pond," said Pietro. "Cool," said Todd, who bounced away into the other room, then quickly returned with a bowl of popcorn, and a pizza for Fred. For the next six hours, the teens laughed and goofed around, watching the movie. Pietro would toss kernels of popcorn into the air, and Todd would snatch them out of the sky with his tongue. After they reordered the movie about four times, Lance got bored. He wandered into the kitchen alone, and opened up cabinets, looking for something. His eye lit up when he found what he had been looking for.
"Hey guys, I found something that's gonna make the night complete," he yelled as he walked into the room with four shot glasses, caring a bottle of Wild Turkey. Todd jumped over to Lance and crouched next to him. Fred and Pietro walked over to Lance, who sat down at the large table in the room. The other teens did the same, except for Todd, who jumped onto the table and crouched on it. Lance poured some liquid into each glass, and passed it to each other teen. Pietro and Fred grinned and took the glasses. Lance was about to down his when he saw Todd looking at the glass oddly. "Yo Lance, what kinda soda is this?" asked the youngest teen. All three teens broke into laughter, which made Todd blush in anger. "Oh man, tonight we turn this tadpole into a real toad," grinned Lance. "Todd, take that glass, and drink the stuff really quick," instructed Pietro. Todd did as he was told, and everyone laughed loudly as Todd's face became a mask of pain and disgust. "Oh man, that shit burns!" yelled Todd. He backed up, and fell off the table. "Todd, I suggest you get a seat. The rest of you, I suggest you drink up," commanded Lance, as he downed his drink, along with the rest.
The teens went on for awhile, trying to see who could out drink who. Pietro and Todd became extremely drunk and began to hop and run around the room, jumping off the walls, or sometimes running into them. Lance was too busy trying to out drink Fred. It didn't take long before Lance himself drank past his limit, and fell backwards out of his chair. Fred grinned and grabbed the bottle, and tried chugging it. The next thing Pietro and Todd knew, Fred crashed on the ground. The two teens started laugh uncontrolably. "Hey, Pietro, look what I can do," yelled Todd, as he climbed up the wall, and swang from the hanging lights in the room. Pietro laughed and started run around the whole place. He was watching Todd swing, when he tripped over Lance and smashed into the wall, knocking himself out. Todd started to laugh madly, which caused him to fall from the lights, and onto the soft couch. He giggled and picked up the bottle, and started to drink the remains. Todd had just finished drinking it, when his face turned very green. "Oh crap," he muttered, and raced to the bathroom. The last thing Lance heard before he fully passed out was Todd throwing up.
Mystique pulled into the driveway early the next morning. She was relieved to see the house still standing. She cautiously opened the doors, and was surprised to see nothing broken. She walked around the living room, and into the den. Her smile of surprise turned to a frown. What she found was Lance sitting on the couch, an ice pack on his head, Pietro laying on the floor by couch, a wash cloth on his forehead, and Fred pale and looking like he was about to lose his lunch. The room was a wreck, and there were slime prints everywhere. Then she saw the empty bottle. "So, who won?" she growled. All three teens winched. "Not so loud," whispered Lance. "GET OUT!" screamed Mystique, and the hung over teens all held their hands over their ears, and quickly walked out of the house, Todd joining them, looking equally sick. All four of them loaded up into Lance's old wrangler. "Oh man, I feel like shit," said Lance. Then they all heard a horrible screech, and then a loud crash. "MY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR CHANDILEIR. OH DEAR GOD, THE KITCHEN! HOLY SHIT, THE BATHROOM!" Lance quickly started the engine, and speed away quickly.