Summary: Voldemort is tired of hunting down Harry. He's totally bored- and decides to write a soap opera, using his Death Eaters and himself as the characters.

This is kind of like a spoof of the OC, cept I don't watch the OC. Well, for one thing, it's called the DE for Death Eaters. I dunno. It's kinda a spoof of all soap operas, or a stereotypical soapie, where everyone's overdramatic etc. Maybe neighbours? Well, I don't watch Neighbours anywayz.

A/N: Voldemort is the narrator. His narrating lines are in bold Each minion plays themselves. Actions and descriptions are in italics. A line indicates a new scene.

Voldy: Hi. My name is Lord Voldemort, and I'm the average Evil Lord. I live in a creepy, ruined castle on the top of the hill, and I have a select group of minions called Death Eaters. I aspire to take over England. Word Domination is my second life-long goal.

Enter Lucius

Lucius: Hey my lord, how's it going? Anyway, have you seen my sombrero?

Voldy: Good morning Lucius. I am just plotting against mudbloods and thinking of methods of torture. Ah yes, your sombrero- I think Rudolphus borrowed it for his Mexican Hat dance recital this afternoon.

Lucius: He is gunna pay! Oooh… I hate him soooo much… I'm going to shove coal so far up his ass that he'll be coughing up diamonds…

Voldemort: Hey, that's a good method of torture. And then, we can put nifflers up their butt which will tear them apart looking for the diamonds! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH! Writes down on parchment. Other methods on parchment are freeze in liquid nitrogen then crack with mallet into 17396028562957683 pieces, and peel off skin with a potato peeler.

Exit Lucius.

Lucius: My dear Narcissa, I have chosen to embark on a mighty quest. This particularly dangerous quest will test my bravery. It will test my knowledge and… it will test my soul. This quest… I have to find my long- lost sombrero. My mortal enemy, Rudolphus, who is incidentally my brother in- law in-law, has stolen my beloved sombrero from my clutches, and is now using it for his Mexican Hat Dance recital this afternoon.

Narcissa: Gasp!

Lucius: It is my destiny. I must go. If I don't come back… avenge my death, and know that I love you. Death will not do us part.

Narcissa: Oh, Lucius! Where will I go? What will I do?

Lucius: Wherever your heart leads you. I will always be with you in spirit.

Narcissa: Oh Lucius! Make love to me one last time!

Lucius: Mmkay.

Gross making out kissy sounds.

Voldy: Crabbe and Goyle are lying in the sunlight out in the garden of the Death Eater Castle, cloud gazing.

Crabbe: Picking toenails. Ummm… soooo…

Goyle: Duuuhhhh…

Crabbe: Hey, that cloud looks like a toenail!

Goyle: Nah… looks like a cloud.

Crabbe: Hey yeah, it does! Me take picture. Pulls out camera, holds up to face. Camera is wrong way around, takes picture of his eye instead of cloud.

Ow! My eye! Bright… colours…

Goyle: Me get help! Takes hamburger out of pocket, begins eating.

Voldy: Lucius begins his perilous journey.

Lucius walks out of huge castle doors, wearing a hiking pack with a roll mat on top, a hiking stick and wearing a Boy Scout uniform.

Lucius: Oh Lucius, conquering all the land, Oh Lucius, something something marching band, Oh Lucius, the greatest in the world… la la la… something that rhymes with world… AHHH! Falls down extremely long stairs.

10 minutes later, he reaches the bottom of the stairs. He has a purple bruise on his right cheek.

Lucius: AHHHH! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! Pulls out mirror and makeup case from hiking pack. Dabs foundation onto face. Making kissy faces at his compact. Maybe she's born with it… Maybe it's Maybelline…. Uh, I mean, he. Uhh… Lucius Away! Apparates.

Goyle: What's the meaning of life?

Crabbe: What's the what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of what?

Goyle: My mummy baked some cookies yesterday. Her secret ingredients are toe jam and pickled pickles.

Crabbe: Mmm… toe jam cookies…

Voldy: Meanwhile, Narcissa is at her mansion throwing a Death Eater Barbeque.

Voldy: Mmm, that smells good, my evil minion. What's cooking?

Narcissa: Oh, all sorts! I've got all sorts of meat frying… kangaroo, ox, moose, human, kitten, scarab beetle, turtle, owl, donkey, squid, ogre, tooth fairy, polar bear, chimpanzee, koala, Chihuahua, ostrich, and cow if you're not feeling that evil.

Voldy: Of course I'm feeling evil! MUAHAHHAHAHA! See? I'll have a bit of everything, except cow.

Voldy: An hour later, everyone is heavily drunk. Windows are smashed and people are starting fistfights.

Voldy: People, people, please! We all know that cheese doesn't make a good dark lord-

Greyback: Hey Lord Voldemort! You'd better give me that wine bottle… or I'll smash your nose it!

Voldy: Oh, oh, now that's just mean! Don't diss my nose!

Greyback: Yeah… what nose is there to diss? Har har…

Voldy: Crucio!

Greyback: Ow.

Voldy: CRUCIO!

Greyback: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S GETTING HIT IN THE CROTCH BY THAT LITTLE MUGGLE KID ALL OVER AGAIN…

Voldy: Har har. Slips and lands on bum, knocked unconscious.

Alecto: Oh my god! I've killed the Dark Lord!

Greyback: No you didn't… he slipped and fell on his bum.

Amycus: I CAN SMELL THE INSIDE OF MY NOSE! I have a nose, you see.

Voldy: Lucius has just apparated to Mexico, to hunt down Rudolphus and get back his sombrero. Now he's also wearing camouflage paint on his face. He's walking down the streets of Mexico City, and spots Rudolphus prancing around in his sombrero, wearing pom-poms, ruffles, and bells. There are a gathering of people watching him and dancing to the Mexican Hat Dance Music, including Bellatrix.

Bella: Whoo! You go, my hot hubby! Shake that ass!

Rudolphus: Oh yeah, baby! To the tune of the Mexican Hat Dance. I dance, I dance, I dance, around Lucius' sombrero, I dance, I dance, I dance, he does not know where-o! I'm dancing around his Lucius' hat, so how does he like that- Eeeeek! Lucius! Um… I was… just… not stealing your sombrero!

Lucius: Are you ze man wiz ze sexy ass?

Bella: YEAH! Whoo! You know it- my Roddy has the best ass in the Universe.

Lucius: My name eez Lucius Malfoy.

Rudolphus: Hides sombrero behind back. Um, yeah, I know.

Lucius: Joo ztole my sombrero.

Rudolphus: No I didn't! Um… Shifty eyes.

Lucius: Prepare to die.

Tway… that was soooooooo much fun to write. This is Phawke here, Tongze will probably be writing the next chapter. And now, a word from our sponsors:

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