More Than Anything
by The Conqueror Worm
A/N: I suppose this is a loose prequel toFor Us Alone; it really follows its own plot, though. The lyrics are all by The Beatles. In exact order of where they appear in the story, the songs are are:I'm Happy Just to Dance with You,Do You Want to Know a Secret?,I'm Looking Through You,Yesterday,While My Guitar Gently Weeps,Let It Be, andBlackbird.
I don't need to hug or hold you tight.
I just wanna dance with you all night.
In this world there's nothing I would rather do
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.
"What do you want more than anything?"
The first time Pansy had asked him this, they'd been in fourth year. They were sitting next to each other under a tree near the lake. The silence had started to become too much for Pansy, who couldn't stand being left with her own thoughts for too long. She was reflecting on what her father had said two months earlier—that Hogwarts would be very different as soon as the Dark Lord returned—as he clutched both apprehensively and excitedly at his left forearm. However, while sitting next to her crush and staring at the beautiful scenery on a cool October afternoon, Pansy felt that she didn't want things to change at all.
She had asked the question rather casually, though secretly her heart was pounding with hope that she would somehow be part of the answer, as delusional as that seemed even to her.
Draco squinted out at the lake as one of the Giant Squid's tentacles surfaced a few meters away from the shore; he smoothed a few platinum blonde strands of hair down before turning towards her.
"What kind of question is that?" He sounded more lazy than annoyed.
"It's a valid one," she said defensively. "Surely you've thought of this before?"
He scoffed. "Sure I've thought of things I've wanted, but not with that sort of condition." He leaned back on the grass and closed his eyes. "Besides, I can buy anything I want. Hell, I can pay someone to think about stuff like that for me."
"Oh, " said Pansy with a sniff. She felt like saying something rather nasty, but as it was Draco, she let his shallowness slide.
"Though," he said, peeking one eye open. "If I were to think about the question for a minute, I'd probably come up with 'If you'd go to the Yule Ball with me' as my answer."
"What sort of ball?" Pansy spluttered, turning a bright shade of red.
"The Yule Ball. Father said they were planning one in honor of the Triwizard tournament." He had now opened both eyes, staring at her expectantly.
"I, yes, of course, I mean—" She forced herself to catch her breath. "That'd be lovely."
"Good," Draco said with satisfaction as he closed his eyes again.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, Draco laying perfectly relaxed and Pansy staring out at the lake, still blushing bright red. "That's not really an answer to my question though. You can't want that more than anything."
"Yeah, well," Draco muttered, sitting up and looking as disgruntled as a Malfoy can manage. "It's an answer to my question; that's all that really matters, right?" He reached over and grabbed her hand firmly.
She squeaked out something in the affirmative, her face turning even redder as she noticed that his cheeks looked slightly flushed too. He yanked her backwards to lay on the grass with him; they stared up at the trees for the next few hours, smiling without speaking and holding hands. Pansy didn't mind the silence so much this time.
Listen. Do you want to know a secret?
Do you promise not to tell?
Closer. Let me whisper in your ear,
Say the words you long to hear.
"What do you want more than anything?"
She'd asked the question again towards the very end of their fifth year. They had been sitting on a couch in a more secluded corner of the Slytherin common room. Nott had already slouched off to sit alone, and Draco had sent the Dunderhead Twins, Crabbe and Goyle, to bed. Draco was still holding his Mother's letter—the letter that told him his Father had been arrested and sent to Azkaban—and sat staring at it blankly.
He looked up, anger blazing in his grey eyes. "For Potter to die!"
Pansy sighed and reached for his hand. Of course Draco had always disliked Potter greatly; to be fair, the feeling was more than mutual. But he had never wanted him dead. Maybe expelled, but never dead. "Draco," she said, exasperated, as he moved his hand further away and stared moodily in the opposite direction. "Draco."
She expected him to snap at her for being annoying, but instead he slowly turned his head in her direction and sighed shakily. It shocked her to see how much older he looked as he whispered, "Everything is going to change now, isn't it? The Ministry is already mucking up Hogwarts. My father is gone. What's next?"
Pansy had never seen him look so vulnerable, except perhaps when that horrid beast had mauled him in third year. It made her feel nauseous, but at the same time, a very selfish part of her was happy that she was the only one he was showing this side to. At least, she hoped that she was the only one.
"Promise me." The demand startled her out of her thoughts.
"What?"
"Promise me that this won't change."
Pansy laughed nervously, even more uneasy. "What do you mean?"
Draco sighed, though it turned into a soft laugh a second later. "Honestly, Pansy!" A smirk formed on his face, and he looked like his old self again, teasing her like always. "This. Us." He leaned in and kissed her before she could reply. It was even better than when he'd kissed her under the mistletoe after the Yule Ball. It even almost made up for the fact that he hadn't kissed her since then.
He leaned away from her a few minutes later, looking as if nothing had happened between them. "So then, what about you?"
"I don't have to answer that! I asked first, and you never answered."
"What, are you dense or something, Parkinson? If you'll remember, I did give you an answer."
"But not an honest one."
"Well, perhaps I'm too embarrassed to answer. Perhaps I need you to go first before I can feel comfortable enough to answer. Did you ever think of that?"
Pansy tried her best to give him a stern glare, but it was quite hard to do when Draco was looking so smug and more attractive than should be allowed. "I don't want to say," she whined.
Draco rolled his eyes. "If that's how you want it..." He made a big show of preparing to stand up. "I guess if this conversation is over, then I'm going to head downstairs..."
"No, wait!" Draco smirked and settled back in his chair as Pansy bit her lip and stared at her sweaty hands. "Okay. If I tell you, you can never, ever mention it again. Ever. So you can't tease me or be awkward around me or anything of that sort, okay?"
Draco nodded and waited patiently for her to answer, an evil glint in his eye.
"What I want more than anything..." She paused as if in thought, stalling for more time.
"We don't have all night here, Parkinson."
"What I want more than anything is to be with you forever." She stared determinedly at her hands, waiting for him to laugh or scoff or call her delusional. When only a long silence met her waiting ears, she assumed that she must have said it too fast for him to understand what she was saying. She chanced a look at him and found him with an unreadable expression on his face. "Well?"
"'Well' what?"
"What do you have to say about that?"
"I thought I wasn't supposed to mention ever again," he said with a cocky grin.
Pansy had to refrain from punching him in the arm. "That applies to after this conversation. You can still respond to it now, you dolt."
He pretended to be offended. "You should have said that earlier then. I'm not a mind reader, Parkinson. I really don't think I will respond now." He caught her glaring at him. "What do you want me to say, then?"
"Say what you're thinking."
"How about I do what I'm thinking?" For the second time that night, he kissed her before she could reply.
A few hours later, long after the common room had emptied, Pansy pulled away from him. "Your turn to answer."
"Be quiet now, Pansy," he said, leaning towards her again.
"No!" She dodged him. "You said you'd tell me if I went first."
"I said perhaps I would. I didn't actually say I would." He smiled at her indignation. "Don't you know me at all by now?"
Pansy rolled her eyes but didn't say anything. At the moment, the fact that Draco's lips were so soft was much more important than an answer.
I'm looking through you.
Where did you go?
I thought I knew you.
What did I know?
You don't look different,
But you have changed.
I'm looking through you.
You're not the same.
"What do you want more than anything?"
This was the third time that Pansy had asked him the question, but it was neither out of boredom or hopeful wishing this time. She was still trying to force back tears, rather unsuccessfully too, as she kept crying silently anyway.
"Stop bloody asking me that!" He snapped as he spun around. Pansy had to force back a gasp; it still shocked her whenever she was confronted with how unhealthy and how utterly broken Draco looked the closer they got to the end of sixth year. "I'm sick of people always interrogating me. Wanting things from me. Why can't you all just leave me the hell alone?"
"I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I just want to know what's wrong."
Draco's shoulder's slumped, and all of the anger seemed to leave him. He never seemed to have the energy to even get mad for long now. "Nothing." His eyes were looking everywhere but at her.
"Liar!" she said heatedly through her tears. "Something's wrong. You're different now."
"You wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
"Pansy! For God's sake, stop it already!"
"But Draco—"
"No! I told you, you wouldn't understand. No one would. You have no idea what it's like to be me, okay? My entire life, people have always expected me to be this certain type of person. To be just like my father. Well, what if I don't want to be like my father? What if I just want to be myself?" He paused, breathing hard.
Pansy took the opportunity to interrupt. "What do you mean? You are yourself, not your father."
"You just don't get it! What if—" He looked wildly around the empty hallway, as if expecting someone to leap out at them. His voice lowered to a hiss. "What if I never wanted to be a Death Eater? What if I stopped believing all that Pureblood crap years ago? What if—" he paused to stare at her, his eyes wide as if even he couldn't believe what he was saying. His next words came out in a rush. "What if I don't really believe supporting the Dark Lord is a good idea and I actually like Hogwarts the way it is, Dumbledore and mudbloods and all?"
He stood, panting, and waited for her reaction. Pansy merely walked over to him and pulled him into a tight hug. "I do understand, Draco."
"You do?" he choked into her shoulder.
"Yeah. I really do."
He whispered so quietly that she had to strain to hear him."I'm so scared, Pansy. I'm going to die. He's going to kill me, and I'm terrified that everyone will remember as the person I've been pretending to be."
Pansy bit her lip and held him until his breathing was normal and he stopped shaking so violently.
Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
"What do you want more than anything?"
It was the fourth and final time she had asked him the question. It had only been a few weeks since the last time she had asked, and Draco had been avoiding her ever since, as if embarrassed at his confession.
"Why do you want to know so badly?" He was anxious and obviously wanted her to move from the doorway leading out of the common room so that he could disappear off to wherever he had been going all year.
"Because you don't want to tell me."
Draco, however, didn't seem to want to exchange witty banter; instead, he sighed and looked pointedly past her shoulder at the shut door. "It's not that. I just don't know, okay? Now can you move?"
"No."
"Pansy Parkinson, move your arse this instant, or I'll move it for you. I do not have time for this."
"Not until you answer."
Draco stared at her for a moment, seemingly lost in thought. "Have it you way," he said before launching himself at her, knocking both of them to the floor, and began ruthlessly tickling her. She had to beg for a good five minutes; only then did he stop and roll off of her, looking smug.
For a moment, it was just like old times, but then the smile slid off his face and the uneasy unhealthiness returned. "I have to go now," he whispered quietly to her, as half of the common room was now staring at them. "But maybe we could continue this later?" He gave her a small smile and stood up gracefully, offering a hand to her and pulling her to her feet. He made to leave before pausing suddenly. With a new burst of energy, he roughly pulled her to him and kissed her long and hard in front of everyone.
He broke the kiss a few minutes later. "Later, Parkinson," he said and left without a backward glance.
I don't know why nobody told you
How to unfold your love.
I don't know how someone controlled you.
They bought and sold you.
Many hours later, Pansy woke to the sounds of screams and loud talking. She had been waiting for Draco in an armchair by the fire. However, the fire had long since died away, yet the common room was much too full to suit the late hour.
"What's going on?" she asked to no one in particular. No one answered her directly, but loud bursts of conversation reached her ears from all over the common room.
"Do you think the Dark Lord was here?"
"My father never mentioned an attack to me."
"Mine either."
"Was Malfoy really involved? Someone said he's the one who got the Death Eaters into the school."
"So Dumbledore is really dead?"
"Good riddance, the old fool."
"I heard Snape did it."
"Yeah, well, I heard Malfoy was supposed to."
"I guess that was his special mission then, huh?" Pansy jumped as Zabini addressed her.
"Where is he?"
"He left with Snape, according Slughorn. After Dumbledore was killed." He studied her face passively as she stared back, too shocked to speak. "He won't be coming back." He turned and left her feeling more alone than she'd ever felt before.
And when the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer.
Let it be.
For though they may be parted,
There is still a chance that they will see.
There will be an answer.
Let it be.
"What do you want more than anything?" she heard herself asking over and over again in her head. It was a few minutes until four in the morning the day of Dumbledore's funeral. Pansy hadn't slept well since she had woken up in the common room the night Draco left. She was silently staring up at the ceiling above her bed, remembering how she and Draco had stared up at the tree while holding hands for the first time two years ago. She was remembering how happy she was then. How happy they were before the Dark Lord had risen again and screwed up both of their lives.
Pansy was so deep in thought that she almost didn't hear the light tapping against the door of the dormitory. She rose from bed and quietly tiptoed past her dorm mates' beds. She opened the door slowly, cringing as it creaked loudly. A second later, she choked on a scream as her eyes met two yellow ones blinking lazily back at her from the darkness. The owl let out a soft hoot and stuck out it's leg, to which a letter was tied. She might have laughed at the sight of it if her heart wasn't still beating so quickly. The owl was covered in soot, as was the letter; obviously, the owl had had to fly down the chimney to reach the Slytherin common room, as there were no windows in the dungeons. She took the letter with shaky hands, following the owl up the stairs as she unrolled it.
Once she had reached the safety of the common room, she cast a silent Lumos to read what turned out to be a scrap of parchment. On it, in handwriting she instantly recognized as Draco's despite its shakiness, there were only three words.
To be forgiven.
Pansy had to read the words over and over again until the very slant of the letters were engraved into her memory before she could come to a decision. She tore her eyes away from the scrap of paper and looked around the room. The owl had gone. Good. Better not to have the temptation to reply, as it would most likely only lead to more trouble for Draco.
Pansy left the common room and made her way silently outside, stopping only to opt to crawl out of a window than to attempt to unlock the large doors, now protected with even more spells since Dumbledore's death.
Pansy slowly made her way across the grounds, looking almost like a ghost in her long white nightgown. The grass was slippery with dew, but her pace never slowed as she walked in the direction of the stone structure that Dumbledore's body would later be laid on at the funeral. When she finally came to a stop in front of the stone, she took out her wand. Without a word, Pansy charmed the paper to stick to a spot roughly where Dumbledore's heart would be. Then she turned and left without a backward glance.
All your life,
You were only waiting
For this moment
To be free.
A/N: I, of course, enjoy getting reviews about my work. However, I'm more interested right now in reading other fanfics. If you know any good, specific fanfics or fanfic authors that have just wowed you, please refer me to them. I'm always eager to read more. I, being a huge Snape fan, will also take this opportunity to refer you to my top three favorite Snape fanfics:Soul Playby Snapesforte,Unbreakableby Sandra S., andPatient Potions Masterby Clare Mansfield, all of which are in my favorites. Happy reading, everyone!