BACK TO DECEMBER
So glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while
One word ran through Rachel's head. Awkward.
She could recall the day perfectly. The day she had let Percy go, the worst mistake of her life. The day was almost seven months ago now. She saw him around Camp, yeah, and at supper and stuff, but never talked to him except to ask for a new sword or something.
It was not exactly what people might call a "good breakup".
Rachel had just decided last week that she wanted Percy back. First off, he was her best guy friend, and if she couldn't have him as a boyfriend, she wanted him as a regular friend.
But he refused to talk to her, mostly. He was still scared of her. Because she had destroyed his trust.
She had tried to say sorry a thousand times. A million. She missed him. And she wished that he was still with HER. Not Annabeth.
And so Rachel had Iris Messaged Percy asking him to meet her in the woods. It had taken lots of convincing, but he finally agreed. And now he was here, in front of her, and she couldn't make her lips form the words that her heart wanted so desperately to say.
So she stalled. She made small talk, all the while berating herself. Stupid, stupid Rachel.
You been good, busier than ever
Small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why
Because the last time you saw me still burns in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die
It was ages ago, yet she remembered. How she had said "This isn't working," and left without saying goodbye, how the roses had fallen from his hand, how the snow outside matched the color of his face, how he had spent that Christmas lonely. She remembered what a bitch that she'd been.
And she was sorry for all of it, but Rachel, the stupid, stupid, STUPID coward refused to work up her courage and apologize to him. She stayed, like a mouse, in a hidey hole built from man-slut boyfriends and diva gal pals, a hidey hole that screamed in Percy's face "I don't miss you."
But she did miss him. She missed him so much that it was like there was a little black hole burning in her heart, like a dull ache, like some vital part of her was gone. She missed how he would use his hand to press a finger to her lips when she talked to much, how he handed her his hoodie in the rain, how he never took his popcorn with butter, the little ticklish spot under his right ear.
She missed all the quirks, the flaws, the habits, the conversations, the kisses, the dates... she missed it all. What a fool she had been to give it all away. To bitchy-bitch Annabeth Chase, no less.
Rachel knew her hate for Annabeth was unjustified. She was smart, nice, funny. But she was with Percy. She was evil, at least to Rachel.
But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
"Percy, look..." Rachel started. She didn't know where to start. "I... I wanted to say... I'm sorry. I was rude that night... that December. And I know you probably don't care anymore... but I—I still love you. And I want you back. I want you to know that... that night I made a terrible mistake. I let an amazing, wonderful boy go, and I probably won't ever get him back, so... I'm just going to tell you one last time: I love you and I'm sorry."
"Look, Rachel. You hurt me that night. You broke my heart. And I miss you. Really. I miss you so much. And I want to be friends, honestly. I do care about you... I just don't think I can trust you with my heart like I did before. But friends? Friends we can be."
Rachel sighed in relief. This wasn't the outcome she'd hoped for, but it was better than anything she'd imagined. "I guess I'll see you around then."
"Yeah."
"Bye then."
"Bye."
And I go back to December, turn around and make it all right
I go back to December all the time...
Rachel watched Percy walk away and she tried not to cry. Some tears were from disappointment, some happiness, some just plain nostalgia for what she'd given up.
She remembered their first date in the summertime... and how much she'd enjoyed it. She remembered all the little things, and she remembered the fall, when noticed that really, she loved Percy. She did, because he was everything she needed, at least for now. She remembered the day, the Christmas Eve when she'd broken up with him because she got scared. She was a coward. She was scared of love.
Coward, she berated herself.
Scaredy-cat.
Bitch.
She wished she could go back in time! But she couldn't. Breaking up with Percy was her own decision and now she had to live with it.
These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
Watch you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye
Rachel lay awake. Wishing. Hoping. Planning. Maybe, if she was a good enough friend, he might trust her again. But how could a cautious person like Percy trust someone who had hurt him before? How? She'd blown this whole thing, and now she was never getting him back. That was the way it was, end of story.
End. Of. Story.
At least, that's what Rachel told herself. But her heart yearned for her to at least try to get him back, to flirt, to tease, to be a friend again. And so, the very next day, that's what she did.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
How you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
And maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming, but if you loved again
I swear, I'd love you right
I'd go back in time and change it,
But I can't, so if the chain is on your door, I understand...
Rachel walked up to the Poseidon cabin and knocked. Percy answered. "Oh, hey Rachel." He didn't sound exactly thrilled to see her.
"Percy, I love you and I swear, if you can trust me again, I will love you the way you deserve to be loved. I swear I will be perfect. So please..."
Percy cut her off by pressing his lips to hers. When he pulled away, he said,
"I went back to December, too."