The Greatest Parody Ever Chapter 1, a chronicles of narnia fanfic

Yay for starting impossible tasks I can never finish!

This is a parody of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe film, and I will try and get it finished. As you can probably see, it's written in script format, so if this bothers you then I suggest you go back to the land of normal fanfiction.

I may swear a bit, so if this bothers you please do the same.

Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia. Or anything else I make references to. I won't mention them all here, or I'll ruin the surprise.

Me: *presses play button*

Film: *starts in the middle because of my short attention span and that's how far I got last time*

Me: …That's probably what's going to happen with this parody. BUT WHO CARES? Let's get rolling…

Okay, to the beginning…

Blackness: Hi, I'm here.

Walt Disney and Walden Media logos: Hi, we're here.

Walden Media logo: But I am awesomer. I have BACKGROUND MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS AND STUFF.

Walt Disney logo: …That's nice for you.

Walden Media logo: BOW TO ME.

Walt Disney logo: IN YOUR DREAMS.

Walden Media logo: Why, you insolent, little…

Me: Professor! Um, look, let's just get started with the movie or we'll never get anywhere. You really aren't important enough to have a whole chapter to yourself.

Walt Disney and Walden Media logos: WE ARE HURT.

Me: I DON'T CARE. So, without further ado, here comes – THE AWESOMEST PARODY EVER!

Walt Disney and Walden Media logos: Hasn't it already started?

Me: SHUT UP!

OMINOUS MUSIC: *starts*

Clouds: This is the normal Harry Potter beginning. IN NARNIA.

Me: Yeah… I'll be referencing Harry Potter a lot. Because I'm a Potterhead at heart.

Bomber Planes: HI. JUST HERE TO LIGHTEN THE ATMOSPHERE AND TO MAKE THE AUDIENCE CALM. VERY CALM.

Everyone in the history of mankind: …Da hell's going on?

Me: Hee hee, trying not to swear. I SHALL FAIL MISERABLY.

German pilot: *exists*

Another German pilot: *also exists*

Bombs: Mwahaha, die. DIE, I TELL YOU!

Edmund: I am the first main character to be seen in this movie. TAKE THAT, PETER! *Does random happy dance*

Mrs Pevensie: EDMUND! Do not happy dance, it is damaging our health and rotting away our innocence! *Pulls him away and draws the curtains so no-one can see Edmund's horrible dancing* PETER! Restrain your brother!

Peter: HAIIIII. Now the two male main characters have been seen. WHAT ABOUT THE GIRLS? Couldn't it have at least been boy, girl, boy, girl? WHY AREN'T I SUSAN?

Me: Not that I'm a feminist or anything…

Mrs Pevensie… Damn it, I can't be bothered to write that every time. Let's just call her Bob: That's nice, dear. NOW GO TO THE SHELTER SO YOU DO NOT DIE A MOST PAINFUL DEATH AND EAT ALL THE STRAWBERRY NOODLES.

Peter: …Are you okay, Mum?

Bob: I'M FINE. I DO NOT HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS. I AM SANE. I AM NORMAL. I AM SATAN. NOW GET TO THE SHELTER, BITCH!

Me: Well, so much for not swearing.

Peter: *Pulls Edmund away, not noticing Edmund's hand has fallen off*

Edmund: My hand! LET ME GO!

Peter: *Ignores him* COME ON!

Me: I LOVE CAPS LOCK!

Now, to the girls.

Lucy: The author loves me so I'll be getting off easily a lot. YAY-FACE.

Me: THAT'S RIGHT. I STOLE THAT OFF IHEARTMWPP, BITCHES. I REGRET NOTHING.

Susan: *Rushes in* Where's Lucy? I know, she must be in these books! *Rummages through them*

Lucy: I'm behind you, you silly, silly person.

Susan: Lucy, COME ON! *Grabs hand and pulls her out of bed forcefully* WE'RE GOING TO MISS THE SIMPSONS! AND WE MIGHT GET KILLED!

Lucy: YOU WERE THE ONE LOOKING FOR ME IN SOME BOOKS!

Satan… Susan, sorry: WHY IS THE AUTHOR OBSESSED WITH CAPS LOCK?

Lucy: I DON'T KNOW!

Susan: LET'S GO!

Lucy: OKAY!

Me: As a side note, that wallpaper is disgusting.

And then the world exploded. Just kidding, we just changed scene.

Children: *RUNNING AND MAKING UNINTELLIGIBLE SOUNDS OF GENERAL SCAREDNESS* WE'RE RUNNING AND MAKING UNINTELLIGIBLE SOUNDS OF GENERAL SCAREDNESS!

Edmund: Wait! MY HAND!

Me: I was actually really confused about him saying 'wait, dad' the first time I watched the movie. I thought they'd actually left their father inside the house, and he was disabled or something, and then he was going to die and everyone would be very sad and the story would change drastically. YAY FANFICTION IDEA EVERYONE GO AWAY AND WRITE IT IT WOULD BE AWESOME OKAY GOT THE POINT ALRIGHT LET'S GET ON WITH THE STORY.

Edmund: I DON'T CARE! I NEED MY HAND!

Peter and Bob: No you don't!

Edmund: You don't understand me! You never did! You always just sat back and watched me play by myself, not caring that I was lonely and had no friends… Then you pulled my hand off and I'll never be able to live my life the same way again…

Peter: Ed… I didn't know you felt that way…

Edmund: At least let me get the hand so I can mourn for the great and mighty person I could have been! At least allow me this luxury! *Runs back towards house*

Peter: Edmund! Wait! I LOVE YOU!

Edmund: You don't understand me! YOU NEVER DID!

Peter: EDMUND! Please – just trust me, just this once.

Edmund: *sniffs* Are you sure?

Peter: Of course I'm sure. You're my brother, and I wouldn't want anything to hurt you.

Susan: *spontaneously combusts*

Everyone: WHAT THE FUCK?

Susan: *shrugs* Just trying to diffuse the tension.

Peter: *shakes himself, starts doing the Macarena, stops, then shakes himself again* Right. Where were we?

Me: *shrugs* I don't know. Let's just say you're in the air raid shelter because I'm lazy. So let's keep going from after your …touching moment…