He Sweeny Bob
Note: Simpson's fan-fiction. Although I realize "Musings of a Homicidal Maniac" had Robert doing a complete 360 turnaround in his personality, I must admit I enjoy Robert's usual mania. After seeing "Death of a Fiend" and being inspired by "Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street", I gave Robert the perfect cover in the musical itself, which he lures the Simpson family too. The whole Terwilliger family is there, preparing to exact their vengeance once and for all.
"He's a freaky barber who owns a freaky barber shop, where he does all kinds of things…Freaky barber things."—Eustace Bagg, Courage the Cowardly Dog: Freaky Fred
Chapter 1—An Evening to Die For
Lisa sighed ecstatically as she opened a letter signed with glorious calligraphy.
"My most humble greetings to the Simpsons family. You have been cordially invited to the Regal Theatre to its premier of Sweeny Todd: Demon Barber of Fleet Street. The tickets enclosed are gratis. Wear your finest garments, for it is an evening to simply die for.", the letter read.
"How odd. There isn't any signature at the end of the letter.", Lisa noted.
"Who cares ! Free tickets ! Hey, is it one of those that has dinner as well as a show ? I haven't been to one of those in AGES.", Homer said, clutching his hands to his chest in an excited, almost girlish manner. He shook them back and forth and began to dance as he put on a phony British accent.
"I'll be part of the upper class yet again, wot ! Sporting my top hat and tails, love ! They'll never look down on me again after they see how dapper I look.", Homer said, laughing. Bart rubbed his hands together greedily as he snatched a ticket from the envelope.
"From what I have read…", he began.
"You read ?", Lisa taunted, glaring at him mischievously.
"Yes, of course I read, Sis. As I was saying…The Regal Theatre has a dinner before curtain call.", Bart said.
"Oooh, but is the musical too bloody ? I saw the movie version and I am afraid it is something Maggie shouldn't be seeing at her tender age.", Marge responded, picking up the little child to feed her a bottle of freshly made milk.
"Meh, I wouldn't worry about blood and gore. That's what I'm here for. When a rather violent part comes up, I'll shield her eyes. She'll be fine, mom.", Bart said.
"I can always count on you, my little Barty-warty.", Marge said, kissing her son on the head. Bart rolled his eyes and sighed.
"We'd better hurry though. The musical is tonight.", Lisa said, reading the times for curtain call on the tickets. In a flurry the family vested themselves in their best, most opulent clothes and set out in Marge's old car. The clunker might've been a bit tacky considering their garb but it didn't really matter when it came to the intent of the evening. The only thing they didn't realize was that their nemeses would appear again and it would be the last thing they would ever remember.
Chapter 2—Heavenly Voice, Hellish Intent
The family sat down in the front row to wait for the curtain call. Homer had gotten the entire family's meals before concert A was intoned.
"And just in time too, I didn't want to be late.", he murmured while nosily eating some food.
"Dad, we're not at home ! Chew with your mouth closed !", Lisa warned as she chided her father, tsking in a pedantic manner.
"Shh ! The curtain's opening.", Marge said in an ecstatic whisper. The overture began and the characters made their appearance. Even though they had front row seats, they still couldn't really make out whom the actors were and especially in the dim light, their programs were useless. Their cares were soon whisked away by the otherworldly voices on that stage. It was almost as if they had been transported to another plane just by the voices alone.
The actor who played Sweeny came dangerously close to the stage and mirrored Bart's reflection in his blade. Bart felt his hairs stand up on end having a blade so close to a vulnerable spot in his body. But it was all part of the act and he sighed.
"First I felt euphoric. That man's voice is supernatural.", Bart said, not noticing the small knick that had come from the blade itself. It was nothing serious but Lisa saw it. She pulled on her mother's dress.
"There's something suspicious about this. I have a terrible feeling. I think we should all turn back now while we have the chance.", she whispered.
"Lisa, it would be rude for us to simply leave when the play is only halfway over.", Marge said, sitting her daughter firmly but gently. Lisa squirmed, knowing that something was definitely wrong but she wasn't sure as to what. Then she had a unique "eureka" moment. The man on stage was none other than Robert Terwilliger and his entire family had come to dispose of them after the show in some gruesome fashion.
Chapter 3—Bob Wants You Bleeders
Each of the Simpsons had a chance to meet the actors and actresses of the musical and they were all thoroughly impressed even though the piece of art itself had been horribly tragic. They had all been touched deeply. Homer, who usually didn't display much class, had actually learned something about Victorian society which had been aptly portrayed in the production. He went on without end until Bob's wife, Francesca took him into her room to talk and have a drink. Bob was left with Bart, whom he took by the arm, and Lisa with Cecil. Marge was paired off with Robert's mother, and poor Maggie was in the "care" of murderous Gino.
"A whole family of vultures…", Lisa mused to herself, shivering.
"Why, whatever is the matter dear ? I saw you in the audience, and I know you loved every moment…", Cecil began as he did what he could to calm the young woman.
"Yes, you were delightfully evil as the cruel Judge Terpin.", Lisa complimented as Cecil's hands began kneading her shoulders lovingly. She started slipping into a gentle sleep and felt herself stiffen as he put both hands around her neck.
"The role I was born to play…", he said as his fingers began to close to choke the life out of her. She squeaked and rasped, trying to kick herself out of the chair and he felt tears gathering up into his eyes for some strange reason. Why was it they had such a deep, tormenting vendetta against the Simpson family after all ? It seemed a bit pointless to be carrying this grudge with them and allowing hatred to cloud their lives. They had found their passion in the theatre. The only one who hadn't let his ghosts fade into the night was Robert and Cecil knew that. His hands dropped and he turned the little girl around to him, drawing him close. She was too weak to draw away. He stooped down to look her in the eyes.
"It wasn't my intent to bring you to this place. It was Robert's. You know he will stop at nothing until you are all dead. I won't breathe a word of what has happened between the two of us.", Cecil said. Lisa, regaining strength began to sob uncontrollably.
"Why would you, an enemy, help me ?", she questioned. He picked her chin up and smiled softly, with a bit of sorrow in his own eyes.
"If I don't stop my brother and this foolishness, I don't know who will.", he said. And with that, he helped the young lady out of his dressing room and created a diversion to stop his family members in their tracks. As for Lisa, she was developing her own plan to save her brother.
Chapter 4—Slipping Away
"That blade is really spellbinding, Sir. I must tell you, seriously, you have such an amazing voice. I'd love to hear you sing again, one last time.", Bart requested as he was relaxing in Robert's star-labeled chair. In the dim light he couldn't make out the letters. Bob sang, with a certain glee in his tone to the tune of "My Friends", which was one of his favorite numbers in the musical. Bart sighed blissfully and thanked him again but before he could, his throat had been slit.
"At last…it's done ! My suffering…is over.", Robert thought to himself as he closed the blade and fled the room in a dash, laughing manically as he ran. Lisa heard Bart sputtering and fortunately came in while he was still bleeding profusely. She tied off the wound and called for help. The paramedics had arrived and asked who did it, and she told them but the perpetrator had already evacuated the premises.
"The cops will arrest him. Don't fret, little lady.", one burly paramedic said. With their pathetic police corporation she doubted that such a miracle would occur anytime soon but she decided to agree with the man's foolish preconceived notions.
Marge, Homer and Maggie had been retrieved too and their would-be murderers had been handcuffed and taken away by the police. Still, Bob was on the loose and Cecil, the poor thing, had been taken behind bars. With his past criminal record, Springfield had no other reason than to incarcerate the madman once more. He had righted a wrong, but no matter. He was still a criminal and that's all there was to it.
"What a terrible night it's been. All this time we'd been duped by the likes of Sideshow Bob, and now…my boy…", Marge began to weep bitterly.
"I did what I could mom. All we can do now is hope that the blood they took from me does the trick. I am an exact match for him after all.", Lisa said, as the four of them huddled together in the waiting room and watched the hours grow longer.
Chapter 5—Back Among the Living
When Bart awakened he asked about the man with the angelic voice, and where he had gone.
"Bart, you simpleton, that was Sideshow Bob ! I tried to tell all of you but you never listen !", Lisa said, sobbing hard. Bart did what he could to comfort her but the tears kept flowing.
"Lisa's right. We don't pay as much attention to her as we should.", Homer said, feeling terribly guilty. The family joined together in a collaborative embrace and vowed they would put as much energy together as they could to keep an open ear to Lisa's supernatural intuition.
"He got away again then, huh ?", Bart said with a smirk. He had seen strange things when he had been asleep, and now he was no longer afraid of death, but he hoped he didn't have another encounter with it for a long, long time.
"Unfortunately, yes he did. I was too busy making sure all of you were safe. If you were gone…I don't know what I'd do.", Lisa admitted, getting teary eyed again.
"Aw, don't go getting mushy on my account.", Bart said, hugging his sister close to him and getting a bit teary-eyed himself. Just holding her comforted him and made him grateful he had such a resourceful little sister. Time and time again, she had gotten the rest of the family out of dire jams and precarious positions that they had dodged death once again. There was a pause as the family had huddled together and let their embrace speak for them. Then Bart squeaked,
"A little easier on the lungs, guys…Let me breathe !" The whole family backed off and laughed heartily together for the first time in a long time.
"Boy, when you're well we're going out on an ice cream binge to end all ice cream binges.", Homer vowed.
"YEA !", Bart cheered at the top of his lungs, but not too loudly since his jugular wound was still fresh and yelling too loudly would cause the bleeding to begin again.
"Something to look forward to.", Bart said as he closed his eyes and slept for the rest of the evening.
Epilogue
Bob, who had been on the lam, had at last been incarcerated and tried for attempted murder. It was no wonder he didn't receive the death penalty but with the revolving door policies in play he would probably be out among "normal society" in 10 years upon his best behavior. He'd never change but he would always be eluded. He'd probably die years before Bart did and that would give the Simpson family some relief but right now none of that mattered.
By the next day, Bart had been well enough to come home with his parents and as promised, Homer took the whole family on an ice-cream binge. Luckily for them, most of the parlors nearby were having "free ice-cream sampling" thanks to the warmer weather. When the binge had ended the whole family felt as if they had put on 10 extra pounds just by indulging in ice-cream alone.
"I feel so awful, but it was so worth it.", Bart said, groaning.
"The best cure is exercise.", Lisa said, grabbing his hand and running around the neighborhood for a bit. Their dutiful mother followed behind them, while Homer stayed home and glued his eyes to the television screen as usual. Another typical day for the Simpsons and they were glad to have their lives "normal" once more. Certainly the typical troubles would crop up now and again, but they could overcome any adversity together. This is what mattered, as well as their love for each other and that would never change.
The End