A/N Charlaine Harris owns everything, I own nothing ,nada, zero,zip, zilch
I banged this out yesterday and didn't do much proofreading so all snafus are mine!
This takes place post DAG ,perhaps a week afterward. The timing of my posting is yucky since Charlaine has chosen today to post chapter 1 of DIF (although I'm one of those poor souls who can't see it, *sigh*)
But I wanted to post something comforting and cozy for Xmas, so enjoy.
The dream always started the same. She was back in that horrible little moldy house in Arkansas, walking past the decay and the muck. Wandering the little rooms like a forgotten ghost, she would walk up to that old photo that had been hanging on the wall. The one with the primly dressed Black farm family carefully assembled for their special black and white photo. Cleaning off the dust and straightening it, she'd hang it back up with an air of doing something right in the world.
Then she'd hear the laughter.
That awful, guttural laughter of Thing One and Thing Two. They were delighted she had stupidly come back to their house to "play".
"Did you miss us"? they cackled.
Turning to run, she'd stumble like the typical blond heroine in a B-horror movie and fall into disgusting black puddles on the floor. Powerful hands would grab her, dragging her back into that room of perversity, blood, tears and pain.
A flash of Thing Two's silver teeth, a waving knife and she would start screaming for someone, ANYONE to come rescue her.
But no one came.
Then she'd wake up.
I shot up in my bed shaking and soaked with sweat just like the last two nights. My heart was pounding in my head like a hammer demanding an exit, but there was no way out. Wrapping my arms around myself, I sat huddled in bed for a minute trying to get a grip on a reality where I was safe.
Only I didn't feel safe.
I wondered if I would ever feel safe again.
A shower! Showers always cheered me up in the past and when I had attractive male company they could cheer me up a lot. Pulling the sweaty nightgown off, I stumbled into the bathroom and jumped in. Nice steamy, hot water poured down my body and lavender soap permeated the bathroom with its calming scent (or so it said on the bottle).
I sat on the bed after putting on some comfy, soft old sweats and started thinking about combing out my hair. Glancing at the clock, I realized 10 minutes had passed while I was sitting there. Was I even here anymore? Not sleeping was taking its toll. I was used to being able to sleep no matter what and often had, but this was different. The dark bags underneath my eyes stood testament to my failure to find a peaceful dreamland.
Maybe it was because Amelia had left for the weekend to New Orleans to check on her property. I wondered if she was coming back. She didn't blame me for Tray's death in her head.
But her heart was another matter.
So here I sat, fearful and alone. I had never been afraid of solitude before, but then I'd never had any reason to. And when you got right down to it, I'd never lived alone, not really. There had been a very short period between Bill and I breaking up and Amelia moving in, but there had always been someone else here.
I picked up my red cell phone and hit Eric's number on the speed dial. Even though our blood bond seemed to still be muted and I guess "damaged" would be the word, maybe hearing his voice would help. It was Saturday night so I knew he'd be busy at Fangtasia. But surely my blood bonded vampire fiancé/husband would have a few minutes to talk to me right?
His voice mail picked up, I listened to his deep voice advise me to leave a message, and I just sat there for a minute breathing. I couldn't think of anything to say really, I just wanted to hear his voice.
I hung up.
This was unbearable. If I had any kind of serious family ties I'd have called Jason at this point. But he was probably out chasing skirt like usual since it was the weekend.
I stared at my phone's little screen with its list of programmed numbers. I hit number 3.
"Bill Compton" came that cool voice answering.
"Bill"
"Sookie? How are you"? He'd gotten a little better at social niceties I'd noticed. Maybe living in Bon Temps surrounded by local yokels had rubbed off on Bill.
Then stupidly I just let out a jagged half sobbing breath. What could I say? I had a bad dream? I'm such an idiot.
"Sookie, are you alright"?
"No" I said in a tiny voice.
"I'll come over if you need me" Bill said firmly.
"Ah, no, um…could I come over? Please?" God I sounded so pathetic. What was wrong with me?
"Of course Sookie, you're always welcome. Do you want me to come and get you"?
"No, I'll be over in a few minutes" I replied, trying to sound more confident. Crap, you'd think I'd forgotten how to drive or something.
"The front door will be unlocked for you" He said.
Grabbing my purse, I threw my cell in there, pulled on my coat and hightailed it out the door (after checking the surroundings and scanning for other brains twice) , jumped in my car and gunned it to Bill's house.
I was practically panting by the time I got to Bill's door. Stepping into the foyer, I called out "Bill"?
"Upstairs" came the reply.
That seemed odd to me since the bathroom/spa was downstairs, as was his office, computer and books. I trudged up the stairs and saw light coming from the bedroom we used to share when we were dating.
Bill was sitting in the bed, leaning against several large pillows, dressed in some kind of knit pants with a long sleeved cotton shirt. He had his laptop on his lap, papers strewn around him, and a couple empty bottles of Trueblood sitting on the nightstand next to him. Both nightstand lamps were on which rendered a soft glow to the room.
"Sookie" He smiled as he looked at me. His beautiful glowing skin still had a slightly grayish cast from the silver poisoning. His brown eyes studied me closely.
"Come here, sit with me" He said gently, while patting the bed next to him.
I could think of a bunch of reasons to not get into bed with Bill, but I had come over here to be with someone and feel safe, so I climbed in anyway. It helped that his manner wasn't lusty in anyway, just friendly and calm. It reminded me of the night he'd spent with me in the hospital after I got shot. Feeling relaxed and safe had been very comforting.
I needed a shot of that right now.
"So…" He ventured, "What's going on Sookie"?
"I had a …a…." I took a deep breath, then suddenly everything just crashed down on me again, my heart rate jumped and I was back in that house again. Like a child I threw myself down on Bill's chest wailing away " I had a bad dream"!!
Bill clicked his laptop shut and pushed it aside as he wrapped his strong arms around my shoulders and held me tightly as I shook from sobbing. A cool hand gently stroked my head, oh jeez, he probably noticed I hadn't brushed my hair out after my shower. After a few minutes I started to calm down and pushed myself off of him feeling like a total idiot. Why was I acting like such a baby? I was safe, the bad guys were dead, there was no reason for all this drama. What was wrong with me?
Bill opened the top drawer of the nightstand and lifted the box of tissues I'd always kept there out. He set them down in front of me, still stroking my shoulder and pushing my tangled messy hair behind my ears.
"Have you been dreaming since it happened"? He asked quietly.
"It didn't start right away. The first few nights I was so exhausted and in pain, it didn't seem like I dreamt at all". I mumbled as I blew my nose.
"It is unfortunate, but not surprising that you would be suffering from some post traumatic stress, Sookie. I know that won't make you feel any better, but you're not crazy or weak for feeling this way." He said as he plumped a couple pillows next to me and patted them.
I curled up in a ball, nestled next to him on the big fluffy pillows. He flashed down to the foot of the bed and got a couple blankets out of chest and laid them over me, tucking them tightly around me. He pulled the top edge over my head (probably to hide the ugly messy hair), so my face was peeking out. I felt like I was tucked into my own little burrow, like Peter Rabbit.
Finally, I responded, "I'm not crazy"? That was always my big fear. I had been called "crazy Sookie" for most of my life and knew it wasn't true, but there was always a little fear that something would snap inside me and I would disappear down the abyss and never return.
"Sookie, considering some of the things you've gone thru over the past couple years, it's remarkable that you've experienced as little emotional trauma as you have".
Bill had resumed stroking my shoulder and the side of my face with the hand facing me. He leaned back and looked away. "During and after the Civil War, doctors finally started diagnosing PTSD as an illness. They knew something happened to men when they went to war, but they didn't understand it fully, probably because they lacked knowledge of human psychology and the concept of a subconscious hadn't been discovered yet. I served with many men who disappeared over an edge during the conflict and never returned. Some seemed fine during the war, only to become unstable after they went home. They would have trouble sleeping, experience heart trouble in the form of a racing heartbeat, panicking at nothing, mood swings etc and often would turn to alcohol or drugs that back then were available at any drugstore like cocaine. It was most commonly called "Soldier's Heart" and later "Da Costa's Syndrome" after a doctor who had a theory that the heavy packs we carried had injured our hearts somehow. And for five minutes, it was referred to as Grave's Heart, but that turned out to be an actual medical heart condition. They knew so little about PTSD, it would be mixed in with other health problems, especially heart conditions".
I stared at Bill from my burrow, listening to his simple words about the suffering of men from his human life. My next question was obvious.
"Did you experience any of this Bill"?
"I was fortunate compared to others. I had nightmares for several months after I returned home. I slept in a different bed from my wife. I was afraid I would kill her accidently in my sleep, that I would half awaken and mistake her for an enemy soldier". His gaze had taken on a watery look of seeing into a past I couldn't' imagine.
"It must have been hard on your kids too" I couldn't help, but add.
"Yes, it was. I had been gone for a few years, practically half of Sarah's life and my son had to get used to having another man around the house in charge" Bill smiled slightly at that memory. "But my children saved me in a way, because they gave me a strong motivation to put the war behind me and look at the future. Getting caught in the past is always dangerous, for anyone."
He had tried to build a future with his children only to have it snatched away by Lorena. I didn't mention that though. I didn't have to.
I felt tears welling up in my eyes again. Unlike Bill, I didn't feel like I had any strong motivation. My only human family, Jason was….well, a selfish man who I could call on if I really needed him, but otherwise had no real interest in me. My fairy family tended to pop in and out of my life when it suited them and now that the portals were going to be closing, I'd be shut off from them as well.
"So the moral of this story is what? Right now I'm having trouble imagining a brighter future, especially the way I am now" I may have sounded a little angry.
"Sookie, I'm simply pointing out that others have gone thru horrible traumas and come out the other side. It can be done. You're a strong person and you'll be alright. You're just going thru a bad patch right now." He was back to stroking my blanketed head. He probably didn't want to pull the blanket down because my messy hair would make him nuts.
"But what if I end up like Terry Bellefleur? It's been decades and he's still not over it" I pointed out.
"Sookie, everyone is different and he probably never had access to any kind of support to help him get thru it properly. He was a POW in a very unpopular war and suffered both during and afterward I suspect. You're not going to end up like him". Bill concluded firmly.
"I'm sorry Bill, its just that I don't feel like I can talk about this with anyone"
"You can talk to me" He said, " I understand what you're going thru"
I gave him a skeptical look from the burrow.
He leaned back again and looked away from me. Apparently, it was hard even for him to talk about all this while looking me in the eyes. "When my Maker had me at Russell's estate and was torturing me, the worst part wasn't the pain, it was the threats. She kept telling me if I didn't talk, she'd get to you or have some of her associates get to you and then she'd explain what they were going to do to you".
I winced at his words and waited while he composed himself. No matter what he had said about "moving past", it was still painful for him to remember and for me as well. The events in Jackson had been the beginning of the end for us.
He continued, "She said she would have you brought in here and I would have to watch what they were going to do to you. The only hope I had was that she didn't know your name or where you lived and you were in Eric's Area. While the easiest thing to do would have been for her to go get you herself, she would never do that. She was afraid enough of Eric that she wouldn't go into his territory".
That explained why she sent tweedle dum after me, who had promptly gotten snuffed out by Bubba, who had been sent by Eric to watch out for me once he realized the danger.
Bill looked back at me, "When you appeared in that horrible place Sookie, I thought I was dreaming or that I was finally dead and maybe God had decided to show mercy and send me to heaven. It never occurred to me you would really be there. And then what happened later….." He broke off, looking away again. He had attacked me in the trunk of a car, that the evil Debbie Pelt had pushed me into. While I never blamed him for it, I also had never really dealt with it either. I just shoved it into a dark corner of "Things I don't Want To Ever Think About Again".
He picked up his story again, "Anyway, once we got back home, I dreamt about those events for weeks afterward. I would dream that Lorena had gotten you and tortured you in front of me, only being a vampire I couldn't wake up from the nightmares until nightfall. And I would dream about what happened in the trunk, only this time I didn't stop and when I came to myself, I was lying there with you drained dry in my arms".
I shuddered a little, hearing his cool voice explain his own personal terrors.
Shuffling himself further down on the bed so his face was right in front of mine he said "When you dream about what happened with the fairies, what happens"?
I looked into those steady dark eyes, licked my lips and said "I'm back in that horrible house and Thing One and Thing Two are there…"
"Who"?
"That's what I called them, the fairies since I didn't know their names" I explained.
"Oh" He had a small smile at that. "Go on".
"And they grab me, and start to um…you know..do what they did before, but this time, no one comes to rescue me" Dammit, I could feel my eyes welling up again, this really had to stop.
"Are you afraid Sookie"?
"Yes"
Of what"? He asked gently.
My lips trembled a little "I'm afraid of all the horrible things that can still happen to me. I'm afraid that the NEXT TIME and there always seems to be a next time, there won't be anything like a happy ending. That more people I care about will die or I will die and leave my stupid selfish brother alone. I'm afraid of being left alone with …..no one" I finished very softly, but I knew he could hear me.
"Why would you think that Sookie? Has Eric said something to you"?
"No, but I'm not the same person now. And I've got injuries that even though they're healing, I'm never going to be the same. He's got high standards, he prefers perfection I'm sure" I couldn't believe I was blabbing about this to Bill. I waited for him to use this opportunity to diss Eric and promote himself as a potential suitor once again.
Bill thought for a minute and I'm sure this was going thru his mind, but he surprised me again, "Sookie, I can't speak for Eric, you really need to talk to him, even though it may be difficult. I will say this however, Eric won't view your scars the way you do. He doesn't see them as imperfections like some modern day plastic surgeon. He will see them as evidence of your courage and strength which he admires greatly".
I admit, I gave Bill a skeptical look on that.
"You should hear him at the club Sookie, how proudly he speaks of you surviving Lochland and Neave".
It was weird hearing about Eric talking about me, but I guess that was better than him acting like I didn't exist when we weren't together. I realized talking to Bill about all this was making me feel a little better and I was definitely calmer than I had been when I first arrived. I really knew I was calmer when my stomach started rumbling a bit, reminding me it hadn't been fed in a while.
"You're hungry Sookie"?
"Well, a little I guess" I answered. Of course Bill wouldn't have food in the house.
He dug around the papers on the bed and pulled out his cell phone. Hitting a speed dial he asked "What would you like? I'll have something delivered".
"Um something simple, finger food maybe with fries" I said even as I was wondering what restaurant Bill would have on speed dial.
Once they answered, Bill said "Yes, Bill Compton here, I'd like to order a meal and have it delivered to my home". Pause "Something simple that can be eaten without plates or forks with a side of fries". Pause "Yes, that sounds good, and a couple Cokes as well. Thank you. About 40 minutes? That would be fine". He hung up.
"Who was that"? Hey I had to ask.
"Lalaurie's restaurant" He said as he tossed his cell back into the pile of papers.
Lalaurie's was the closest thing to a fancy restaurant that Bon Temps had and I knew for a fact they didn't deliver. But it was located in a strip mall that Bill owned so apparently that rule didn't apply to him. I didn't even ask what he'd ordered since it was sure to be pretty good coming from there.
Bill stared at my head and I knew what was coming. "How about we get your hair taken care of while we wait Sookie"?
I almost laughed at this. I was sure it had been bugging him the whole time I had been here, but we had been talking about much more important things so he didn't bring it up.
" I don't have anything with me" I said.
Bill reached into the nightstand again (what the heck was all in there anyway?) and pulled out a comb and brush. "Turn around darling"
I sat up with the blankets still wrapped around my shoulders and sat cross legged with my back to him as he started working on my hair. This was the closest I'd probably get to therapy, sitting completely relaxed (no other brains buzzing around mine) with my hair being gently untangled and brushed out. Before you know it, my hair was hanging loose and waving down my back. I sighed with bliss.
Putting the brush and comb back into the drawer with a smile, I wondered who had gotten more out of that session, me or Bill ? There was a knock at the door, I made to get up, but Bill shook his head. Before you could say Jack Robinson, he was back with a bag of something smelling wonderful and fried.
"I should go downstairs" I said, as I made to get out of the bed.
"Sookie, just relax, you can eat here, it's fine" He motioned me back.
Even though I had always been taught by my Gran to not eat in bed, I decided what the heck? It was like having a little cozy bed picnic. I leaned back against the headboard, opened one of the cokes and put it on the nightstand next to me (putting a napkin under it first, the waitress in me coming out). Setting the foam container on my lap I tucked another napkin into my shirt and opened it. There was a plethora of fried goodness in the container. Just what the doctor ordered.
I carefully opened a couple of the little ketchup packets onto the fries and inventoried the other fried goodies, there was fried Okra, asparagus, some type of squash and some really big shrimp. I tried a shrimp first, giving another sigh, I tilted my head back chewing the splendid morsel. It hadn't been dipped in a plain breading, but a mix of spices as well which were delicious, the shrimp had obviously never been frozen (believe me I can tell) and the oil on their fryer was definitely changed regularly (I can tell that too).
It was surprising Bill didn't mind me eating here since he had never liked seeing me eat, but then he told me it was okay, so I just happily munched away. While I was digging in, he had opened his laptop again and was softly typing the keys. It took me a minute to realize it didn't have a cord on it.
"Hey, how does it work when it's not plugged in"? I asked around a couple fries.
"I have a wireless router now, so I can use it anywhere in the house and even on the porch if I want to. It's very convenient" He smiled, although I noticed he carefully didn't look at me pigging out while he said this. Oh well, some things don't change.
We sat quietly, while I ate and Bill typed. This was the most relaxed I had been since the whole fairy thing had started. Once I finished my meal, I put the trash back in the bag and set it on the floor. I rewrapped myself in the blankets and arranged the pillows around my head, this time closer to the center of the bed.
I felt much better.
As if he was reading my mind Bill piped up, "Are you feeling a little better Sookie?"
"Yes, I am. Thank you Bill and thanks for dinner too" I added.
"Why don't you rest a little Sookie? Try to get some sleep"? he suggested. I was nervous about trying to sleep and having those dreams again. But I didn't have to answer that because my cell went off. I looked at the little screen, uh oh……Eric.
Well, what the hay, I had tried to get ahold of him earlier, it wouldn't hurt to talk to him now right?
"Hello Eric" I said, trying to sound calm and fairly chipper.
"Where are you"? He said without preamble.
Uh oh. I definitely didn't want to tell Eric where I was at this moment.
"Um, I'm at home"
"You are not, I'm standing in your living room right now" He stated flatly.
Crap! Busted, what to say?
"Eric, she's over here" Bill's voice chimed in knowing Eric would be able to hear him.
There was a heavy silence, than Eric said "I'll be right there".
I threw my phone down giving Bill a Look That Kills. "What are you doing"? How dare Bill rat me out to my bonded vampire fiancé/husband?
"Sookie, don't be silly, Eric would have tracked you here anyway or he would have seen your car while flying overhead". Damn, I hate it when Bill is so logical and makes sense.
Which didn't make me feel any better about the fact that the vampire I had agreed to see exclusively and was apparently married to in vampire terms was going to come over here and find me in someone else's bed. I gave a moment's thought to running downstairs and pretending I had been on the sofa all evening, but Eric's vampire nose would know better. And it was too late anyway, the unmistakable sound of Bill's front door opening and closing even reached my human ears.
I dropped back into the big pillows and wrapped the blankets around me hoping Eric wouldn't make a big deal about this. What had I been thinking coming over here anyway?
In a New York minute, Eric was by the side of the bed, looking down at me with eyes both beautiful and terrible in their intensity. Sometimes, it almost hurt to look at him. He was wearing his usual Fantasia shirt and jeans. I expected him to start yelling, but his big hand touched my cheek and he observed, "You've been crying".
I guess my eyes were still red and puffy from earlier. Nothing I could do about that. There was no point in disagreeing with his assessment.
He looked at Bill, who I assume was giving him the vampire look right back. "Tell me" was all he said.
"She called me and asked me to help" Bill said with a hint of satisfaction in his voice.
This was exactly what Eric had told Bill when he went to the orgy with me. I bet Bill had been waiting forever to say this.
For a second, I thought Eric was going to lose his temper with his underling, but he looked back down at me and his face softened. Grumbling something under his breath, he removed his shoes and climbed into the bed, curling up next to me. I was amazed that he hadn't tried to grab me and remove me from Bill's house immediately. Instead, he pulled one of the pillows towards himself so he could rest his head on it and laid his cool hand on the side of my face. His big blue eyes the color of sky stared directly into me. "What happened"? He was trying to be civil, but he wanted to know what was going on. I could understand this, I guess.
"I think she's suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" Doctor Vampire Bill declared.
Eric absorbed this for a second, "I'm surprised she's never had this problem before" Apparently, Doctor Vampire Eric concurred with his colleague's diagnosis.
Trying to get him off this subject, I asked "Why did you come over tonight anyway? I thought you were at Fangtasia"?
"I received a call from you just breathing, than you hung up. At first I thought I was the lucky recipient of an obscene phone call from my lover, but then I was concerned something was wrong, so I flew to your house". He explained with a crooked smile.
I had to return it, Eric always had a way of looking at things that amused me. But he was not going to be derailed that easily. "What happened tonight Sookie"? He asked again.
"Well" It just wasn't as easy to tell him stuff as Bill. I was only just beginning to understand why. "I've been having trouble sleeping"
"And" He prompted.
"And I've been having really bad nightmares"
"And"
"And I've been feeling anxious and scared all the time since all this stuff happened. It doesn't seem to be getting better and I don't know what to do"
He stroked my hair as he said "You know this would be so much easier if you would just move to Shreveport with me. You would be safe there. If only you weren't so stubborn about all this Sookie".
A deep chuckle erupted from the other side of the bed. Bill chimed in, " Good luck with that Eric, let me know how it goes".
"Hey, no heckling from the peanut gallery" I snapped back. Then I realized what a rude bitch I was being to Bill after everything he'd done tonight. "I'm sorry Bill, I didn't mean to snap". He just kept chuckling, well it was nice to know I'd given Bill's funny bone a good tickle for the evening.
I had to address what Eric had said. "Eric, hiding out in your house for the rest of my life isn't a solution, at least to me it's not. I've told you before I like living here and until things change with our relationship (I wasn't going into details on that with Bill there) I'm staying in Bon Temps, okay"?
"Why are you afraid? I will take care of you and protect you. You know this" He said carefully.
"But you can't be everywhere and things can still happen, there's just no way to be 100% sure. That's just life and I have to find a way to deal with it". Bill was right, just talking about all this was helping even if there was no real solution. I stuck one of my arms out of its blanket prison and reached out to brush his blond hair behind his ear and stroke his cool skin. Pressing the back of my hand briefly against his mouth, he gave it a feather light kiss. But he wasn't done yet.
"You should have called me Sookie. I am the one to take care of you". He said with just a little bit of a wounded tone in his voice.
"I couldn't wait, I just needed some company and sometimes you're just …." I wasn't sure how he'd take this.
"Yes? What am I"?
"Sometimes I feel like you don't like me to be weak. I know you think I'm strong and all that, but sometimes I'm just afraid and …..weak and you don't always accept this ". I stopped, as I noticed his eye brows drawing together in a frown.
This was something I had noticed early on even in Dallas when he was uncomfortable with my crying. Signs of weakness made him uncomfortable, whether it was just in general or with me specifically I didn't know. Maybe it was just the Viking in him.
"You're not weak Sookie" He declared.
"I know that's how you see me and it's very flattering, but sometimes I am and tonight I just needed to be accepted the way I am, not the way someone wants to see me. Sometimes I'm weak, pathetic, cranky and flawed and it's just easier to be around someone who has already seen that side of me and doesn't think less of me" I wasn't sure I was explaining this well since Eric's face still had a frown clouding across it.
"I would never think less of you" He murmured softly. "And if you are feeling weak than I will be strong for you. I can do that, if you will allow me".
Okay, maybe he was grasping this a little bit. " I guess we can try that" I responded, "Hopefully there won't be too many next times" I yawned a little, the good food, a warm cozy bed and talking with Eric combined to drive me into sleepy land.
Eric leaned forward and kissed me lightly again, "You need to rest lover, why don't you sleep? I'll be right here. You will be perfectly safe We can talk further on this some other time". He snuggled a little closer to me, closing his own eyes with a soft smile.
I let my eyes get heavy, drifting along. I was comfortable, safe, cherished and covered on both sides by the two men who loved me the most.
What did I just think?
I knew Bill loved me, but I had never really given serious thought about Eric. But I considered it for a moment. He had come over to see me because he was concerned about my safety. He had found me in the bed of another vampire and not just any vampire, but my previous boyfriend and his minion Bill. He hadn't killed anyone, or even flipped out about it, but had been consumed with my well being.
If loving someone is defined by a lack of selfishness and loving that person more than your own ego, it occurred to me that maybe…just maybe…Eric loved me a little.
Yeah, we'd have to talk some more I guess, but not tonight.
I slowly drifted off to sleep.
I didn't dream.
The End