DISCLAIMER: I once again do not own any characters from The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, other than the characters I have created all in my own free time. NOTE TO SELF: I might need less free time.
"Maynard, you will never believe what I have discovered!"
Maynard G. Krebbs turned around to find his good buddy Dobie Gillis behind him, eyes gleaming and smile wide. "Ooh, I know! You found like a rare Dizzy Gillespie jazz album…or one of those little tee tiny bugs that curl up when you like poke em…or maybe—"
"Maynard, it's none of those things. It's better. I found this," he interrupted, showing Maynard a ripped page from a magazine.
"Ooh, paper," Maynard tried to reply enthusiastically.
Dobie grimaced. "'Ooh, paper'? 'Ooh, paper' is all you can say? This paper is going to change everything. You see, this Doctor Zenos Fritzbaum has been doing numerous studies on why young guys like us can't get girls. You wanna know the reason?"
"Cause like most girls are shallow and mean and nasty?" Maynard suggested.
"Wrong, Maynard. It all boils down to confidence. Guys like us have no confidence. We see a girl and what do we do? We start blubbering and go weak at the knees. We tell a joke and it falls flat. Girls want someone with confidence. And Dr. Fritzbaum finally developed a formula to help guys like us."
"Dobe, no offense, but I don't like wanna be more confident. I just wanna be me, Maynard G. Krebbs—"
"Good for nothing, low-life, ragamuffin…," a female voice muttered from behind. "Oh, hi, guys."
"Like hiya, rich girl," Maynard replied to Kate Osborne, cousin of the richest guy in town, Chatsworth Osborne, Jr.
"Kate, what's wrong?" Dobie asked her.
"Ah, just another boy believing that he could honestly go on a date with me, and offer to pay for my meal. How degrading," she replied dramatically.
Dobie gave her a disappointed look. "Good to know Chatsworth isn't starting to rub off on you a little," he told her sarcastically.
"I know, wonders never cease," she answered happily, not getting at all what he meant. "Well, bye guys."
As soon as she was gone, Maynard looked at Dobie. "Hey, Dobe? Maybe you should ask Kate to go out with you."
"What for?"
"Cause she don't like guys with confidence, or money. And you don't have like either of those things."
"Gretchen, my darling, what shall we do today, perhaps? We could go for a smashing game of tennis or polo; or if you'd prefer, we could just go for a long ride in my little blue sports car," Chatsworth Osborne, Jr. proposed to his girlfriend as they met outside his mansion.
"I don't want to do any of that, Chatsworth. In fact, I don't want to do anything else with you. You are the most pompous person in the entire world! Do you know that you haven't made me laugh one time since we started seeing each other? Not once! If it's not a ridiculous sport, it's just us riding around and having no fun whatsoever! You are a bore, Chatsworth Osborne, Jr. and we are through!" she yelled before fleeing in tears.
"But Gretchen, wait! I can make people laugh!" he called after her.
Turning around, he spotted his mother and gave her his most pitiful look. "Mumsy, would you consider me humorous?"
"Nasty, yes; humorous, no. I'm afraid humor is not found in the Osborne DNA. Why tell jokes to make people laugh when you can pay them to laugh?"
"Oh, but Mumsy; I do wish to make people laugh and tell me that I am rather farcical and quick-witted."
"Well, I'm sorry my dear, but it is what it is. Now come inside and get cleaned up for brunch, you nasty boy."
Chatsworth hung his head down slightly. "Yes, Mumsy. Right away."