Mac knew the signs. They were on the way home from a grueling mission. Both he and Jack had gotten captured and escaped into the Amazon jungle. Mac had been poisoned by a banana spider. He'd spent most of the ordeal unconscious or lost in delirium. According to Jack, Mac had managed to make a hell of an explosive and saved them both; Mac could see the shadows in his friend's eyes, the slight skitter away from direct gaze. Mac knew there was more to the story and knew it hadn't hit his partner yet. Mac tended to relive his traumas over and over thanks to his overactive imagination. He tended to crack after holding in the pain too long. Mac thought of his crack ups the same way he thought of flesh wounds-walk it off, until he couldn't.

Jack was much better put together. If he hadn't been he wouldn't have made it through to Delta let alone as a Delta comander. Mac couldn't remember the number of times Jack helped him pull himself together after he was overwhelmed. Jack was much more open about his feelings, and better about asking for help when he was hurting. Mac knew, however, that everyman had a breaking point. It didn't happen often, but when Jack reached one of his rough patches he didn't see it coming until it was too late and overtook him. Mac had learned the signs a long time ago.

Both men had been confined for treatment at Walter Reed for almost a week, and they were more than ready. Finally the whole team was flying home on a Phoenix jet. Mac studied his partner closely. He noted the restless movement, the over-loud voice, the effort and energy he put into joking and making others laugh. More than anything, Mac saw it in the older man's dark eyes, the way they furtively scanned drawn to every corner, every movement, every shadow.

"Then this spider the size of a fricken cat jumps on Mac and stabs him fulla venom...man, you were goofy as hell." Bozer and Riley turned to look at Mac. Mac sighed and rolled his eyes. Jack had told a version of this story to anyone they so much as looked at for the past week, each time the spider got bigger, each time there were more bad guys, and Mac was sicker. To hear his partner tell it now, Mac was blue and dead for almost an hour before Jack could fight to him and save him with CPR. It didn't escape Mac's attention that while detailed about how out of it and sick Mac was, his partner glossed over how they fought almost hand to hand through the jungled arriving at exfil with a bleeding Jack carrying a barely breathing Mac. Jack's nightmares were usually about something happening to Mac, his ghosts were what Jack had to do to keep that from happening. Jack did everything in his power to protect Mac from ever meeting his ghosts, no matter how hard Mac tried to help.

"I'm just glad you were finally able to send a signal and we could come get you." Bozer said. Mac smiled and put his hand on his roomie's shoulder silently reassuring him again that they were back, alive and life kept going. Bozer's eyes were still wide with fear and he insisted on sitting at the foot of the couch Mac had been resting on. Mac had waken up an hour ago. He felt weak and washed out and his hand hurt like hell from where the spider had bit him, but otherwise he was fine. He'd really rested for Jack's benefit. Mac would do anything to take away the darkness haunting his friend's eyes.

"How the hell did you send a signal anyway?" Riley asked. Jack nodded and smiled wincing at the sting of the stitches along his chin. He held out a hand indicating Mac. Mac chuckled.

"Honestly, I have no idea. I vaguely remember a refrigerator and walkie talkie?" Jack chuckled.

"Yeah, I'd seen some of the things you've come up with brother but this one took the cake, funky man. It had wires going into frozen meat and aluminum foil...it was nuts."

"It worked." Mac shrugged. Jack looked at Mac his face falling into tragedy for half a second.

"It did, brother, that it did."

Mac yawned ready to drop. Matty had come over and they'd sat around the fire until midnight. If he needed any other evidence of Jack's state of mind, the older man hadn't taken a single sip of beer. Nor had he relaxed. Mac had seen Matty giving Jack the once over before shrugging and writing off the Delta's restlessness as Jack being Jack. She had driven Riley home. Mac had tried to get Jack to stay even playing the needy card, but Jack said he was too tired and was going to go home and crash. If Mac hadn't been worried before, that would have sent his alarm into the red zone.

Mac waited until Bozer was asleep then snuck out of the house and drove to Jack's. As he pulled up in Jack's driveway he made sure his Jeep's brights were on and waited a long time before getting out of the running vehicle. He left it running and crossed to the door.

"Hey, Jack! It's Mac!" He started shouting it the second he got out of the Jeep. He held his hands up so they were easy to see and slowly walked to the front door making as much noise as he could. Jack didn't open the door. Mac sucked in air, his heart pounding. The door wasn't locked. Mac closed his eyes, "Jack, it's Mac, I'm coming in the front door, don't shoot!" Mac slowly turned the knob and inched the door open. He stayed in the door way facing the door at an angle so his features were visible in the light of the Jeeps lights and lost lost in silhouette.

"Jack? It's Mac, you here?" He called. He reached out for the light switch beside the door. Before he touched it his wrist was grabbed and he was flipped to the floor onto his back. Mac grunted forcing his body to relax. The hard circle of a gun muzzle pressed against his temple hard enough he knew he'd have a mark there in the morning, "Jack, it's Mac." Mac kept his voice normal.

"You better tell me where to find him, or I will end you now." The gutteral growl was barely human. It was cold, flat and deadly. Mac frowned trying to figure out where Jack was in the hundreds of battlefields they'd survived.

"I want to help you, Jack. Who are you looking for?" Mac grimaced as a solid hand slapped him.

"You know who I mean, I'll gut you if you don't tell me, now."

"Are you looking for Shepherd?" Mac asked softly, using his name from the sandbox. The gun shook a little at his temple.

"Who are you?" The lethal growl had lessened a notch. Only a member of their team would know the call sign.

"Jack, it's me, Mac." He could hear the snap of Jack's knees as he duck walked a step back. The Baretta left his temple. Mac didn't move, he knew the pistol hadn't gone far.

"Mac? No, he...I…" Jack's voice cracked. Mac slowly sat up.

"No, big guy, it's me. I'm here. We're home, you're safe, I'm safe. Everybody's safe." Mac said his eyes had adjusted enough to see Jack in a T-shirt and boxers crouching half behind a potted plant. His partner had his hands clenched in fists pushing against both sides of his head. The Baretta thankfully was aimed at the ceiling. Mac rolled to his knees and sat watching Jack.

"Jack, brother? You back?"

"You should get outta here." Mac knew that tone of voice. Mac crept closer pushing the plant away. Jack jumped and tried to step back, to bring the Baretta into play. Mac ducked under Jack's gun arm and wrapped his arms around Jack, holding on for dear life, knowing what was coming. Jack exploded. He bellowed and dropped back trying to dislodge Mac. Mac cried out as Jack hammered him between the shoulders. Jack bucked and howled.

"No, No, let me go!" Mac gritted his teeth and held on planting his face into Jack's chest to avoid getting head butted. Jack fought as if he had a bombed strapped to him. The older man's chest heaved and his clothes grew wet with sweat. Mac still held on taking the bruises with closed eyes. Jack fought with the determination and aggression of five men as panic dumped adrenaline into his blood. Finally, exhaustion wore him out and he collapsed under Mac's weight. Mac groaned and slowly let Jack go. The Delta laid on his back sucking in air too tired to move. Mac rubbed the side of his face and moved his jaw. He picked up the Baretta and popped out the clip. He layed both on the table beside the door. He turned on the over head light then dashed out to turn off his Jeep.

When he came back in, he wasn't suprised to see Jack had vanished from his exhausted sprawl. Mac turned on all the lights as he walked to the back bedroom. Jack sat his knees against his chest his head buried in his arms sobbing. Mac sighed and sat on the bed saying nothing. Five or fifty minutes later, Jack stopped heaving with tears and wiped his face with the heel of his hand. Mac got up and brought Jack back a cool wet towel. Jack nodded but didn't look up. Mac sat back down. Jack wiped his face and then hung the towel around his neck to catch the sweat pouring from his scalp. He leaned against the wall and dabbed at his eyes.

"Why are you here?" He whispered. Mac frowned at the burden of guilt in his friend's voice. Mac ignored the question. He stood up and sat in front of Jack his legs pulled up Indian style. Jack tried to twist away to keep from touching Mac. Mac reached forward and captured his partner's hands. Jack was shaking and his hands were cold. Mac could feel the pounding of his parner's pulse under his fingers. Jack tried to pull away, Mac didn't let go. Jack huffed and finally looked up to glare at Mac.

"Will you let me go already? Damn." Mac smiled and shook his head.

"Nope, not until you start talking, big guy." Jack groaned and turned his head away.

"Isn't that my line?" Jack said scowling. Mac shrugged.

"Sometimes...well a lot of sometimes, but not tonight. Talk to me, brother." Jack looked up startled. Jack called Mac brother a lot. Mac felt the same way but couldn't always voice his feelings. Jack's eyes began to water. The older man studied Mac's new bruises especially the circle at Mac's temple. He looked down again trying to pull away. Mac huffed as if he were frustrated, "look I'm never gonna let you go, so quit trying already!"

"Never is a long time." Jack mumbled.

"Do you want me to show you the math?"

"God no."
"Then quit feeling guilty already." Jack met Mac's smile with a small wry grin.

"Did you just threaten me with math?"

"Did it work?"

"Hell yeah! That shit is terrifying!" Both men broke into laughter. Jack pushed against the wall stumbling to his feet. Mac was up in a minute steadying him. He helped Jack sit on the bed. Jack began to shake as if they had been in Siberia for a month. Mac pulled his Dallas snuggie out of the recliner near the bed and wrapped his partner up. Mac sat beside the Delta and slowly rubbed the man's back. Jack closed his eyes and tried taking slow breaths. Mac waited a silent calmness in Jack's storm. Jack leaned closer. Mac took the hint and put an arm around his partner pulling him into his side.

"I had to kill a lot." Jack said, his voice tired and low.

"I guessed." Mac's voice held nothing but patience.

"I...it was bloody, man. I…" Jack's voice dried up. Mac again began to rub his partner's back.

"You did what you had to do to save both of us." Jack took in and let out a deep breath. He dabbed his face with the towel. Neither of them knew whether it was tears or sweat rolling down his face.

"You know I tried to count them once."

"Count what?"

"The number of guys I killed." Jack looked off into the past. Mac froze a second.

"Why?" Jack shrugged and looked at Mac pain in his eyes.

"I don't know, to prove they meant something?" Mac frowned not understanding.

"And?" Jack shook his head. He rubbed his face which was wet again. Mac waited not sure what was going on in his friend's head.

"You know, I don't feel anything...I think I'd be more upset killing a rat." Jack looked down at his hands. Mac sighed.

"You do feel it, just not at the time. At the time, you do what you have to do to bring us home."

"Then the videos come in full HD Stereo." Jack mumbled.

"Yeah." Mac said. He'd had quite a few bad movie nights himself. Jack sighed.

"Bud, you shouldn't have come over...I'm sorry." Jack's eyes took in all of Mac's new bruises. Mac offered a sly smile.

"Bozer was snoring too loud." Jack rolled his eyes.

"You always say I snore too." Jack pointed out.

"True, but you don't pause to sing Spice Girls songs in the middle." Jack laughed his eyes widened.

"Are you serious?" Mac nodded. Granted that didn't happen tonight, but it had happened before. Mac had just filed it away for future use. Of course he knew Jack had no such compunction and Bozer would be getting teased mercilessly for the forseable future. Mac almost felt guilty for throwing his roomie under the bus but how many times can a man listen to a drowsy Wannabe? Jack grew serious.

"At least he didn't try to kill you." Mac narrowed his eyes and stared at Jack a long minute. Jack squirmed "what? What's going on in that ginormous brain of yours?"

"Two things, one if you really want to figure out what really means something, count how many times you saved my life, your life, or Matty, Riley, or Bozer's life."

"Are you threatening me with math again?" Mac smiled relieved to hear a genuine attempt at humor. He shrugged. Jack looked at the ceiling knowing the next one was going to cost him, "alright and second?" Mac grinned wickedly.

"I seriously need a beer, some pizza and a movie…" Jack grinned back finally relaxing completely.

"We can watch…"

"La La Land." Mac said firmly smirking. Jack gaped at him in horror.

"No! No, no, no...NO!" He got up and stalked into the living room.

"If you really want to make up for beating the crap out of me…!" Mac yelled as he followed Jack into the living room. Jack growled pulling out the menu for the 24 hour pizza parlor down the street.

"Fine, but we have to watch something...manly afterwards!" Mac sighed.

"John Wick?"

"The one where he killed a hundred dudes who killed his dog?" Mac shrugged.

"Sure, I like dogs." Jack laughed and lunged out grabbing Mac unexpectedly in a full affectionate squeeze. Mac sighed enduring it.

"You know I love you, boy?" Jack said gruffly letting Mac go. Mac turned away.

"Whatever, get the food."

***** I was watching a documentary on HBO Wartorn 1861-2010. It is about the effects war has on our soldiers and has had going all the way back to the civil war. The suicide rate for soldiers is double that of non-soldiers. How these men and women come back and we expect them to bounce into society is beyond me. I wrote this for them, especially as Veteran's day is coming up. Thank you to all those who served, and all of those who are friends/ family/ supporters of those who have served. Also Jack needed to be whumped, LOL. Thanks for reading, sorry to go a little RL there at the end.