Won't get to Heaven the State I'm In

a.k.a. Where Lies Paradise

Disclaimer: SRatSS is © to WEP.

Rating and Warnings: PG-14

Acknowledgements: this fic has been translated from Russian by Ele and originally written by Tatjana. You can drop her a line in Review form and it would be great if you knew Russian. Comments and feedback are always welcome!

Commander Eagle's office was rather official but all who entered it felt themselves very at ease. Décor hinted on a friendly talk and trustworthy relationship. Eagle, being a politician in the first place, greatly valued his ability to accept visitors. Here was the real home of the Commander. His armchair was comfortable and when he was sitting in it, he would feel himself wonderful, with the exception of today… To begin with, the situation was developing very well. Victory over the Outriders raised his population with people to astronomic heights. He gave this burnt to ashes pauper world heroes and hope. It was very right and very necessary. In the world where food had long ago became of worth of gold and death turned into everyday activity. In this world each and every adult carried a gun with the possibility of aiming it at any point. Like, at a not very successful politician. Euphoria over the victory might pass soon; much sooner than they rebuild their cities and every table is loaded with abundance. People must be fed with illusions to use a dream to set them apart from the reality.

Panacea, from the point of view of the Commander, was the rise of the Star Sheriffs. It would be right to protect the nations and their governments from wish to live their previous independent lives without his superiority, without him. Heroes were required and so were their weapons. Eagle was sure that it was not worth disbanding the Star Sheriffs after the actions of the war, they could protect the settlers from the marauder gangs and, armour shining, remind of authority. It appeared to be a one problem, though, that the ex-Commander now had to solve.

Eagle ran a quick glance around his office. He had always liked the place, and he loved it when his beauty of a daughter was with him. April was sitting on the couch, timidly hiding legs, and keeping palms on her knees for the sake of decency. Eyes of sky blue colour were shining with happiness, but she was trying to hide that, being too shy to run to her father and wrap her hands around his neck. In front of April there was sitting Saber Rider, in his usual calmness, reserved. Ideal education, courtly upbringing, perfect manners, he would make a perfect son-in-law. The young man had a great future in front of him, that was for sure, but sometimes he was too difficult to understand. One hundred percent obedience to orders, as Commander saw it, but his minds were not read by anyone. To the right there was sitting Colt- an exact opposite. Casual manners, absence of any kind of authority, limited thinking, a rather quick reaction. His behaviour had always to be tolerated. True, he was plain and simple, and that kissed goodbye any possibility to manipulate him.

Eagle's gaze paused on he last member of the wonderful four. Fireball. He was sitting next to Eagle's beloved daughter and destroying her father's plans about a marriage alliance with Saber Rider- a very correct political union. His wonderful, beautiful with her naivety daughter was doubtful to make the right choice. Fireball's figure next to April was the defect for Mr Rider to evaluate her. Eagle's mind would always return to her, even though they were primarily given to another object. And so, Fireball, his gaze ignored Commander Eagle in the armchair and was fixed on the wall over Commander's shoulder. There stood King Jarred.

"We have heard that the mission went on successfully and we are happy to congratulate you on the wonderful victory," – Eagle began in a too political manner than necessary.

"Though, we have a few questions," - said Jarred with his trademark frankness.

King Jarred looked more of a warrior and, having a well-built figure with soldier-like bearing, always made an impression of a very decisive and serious person, ready to take responsibility for his words and actions. That he, in his nature, really was. Many slightly feared his openness, self-assuredness, strength of character. He was a man of his word and was not afraid to make decisions. His status matched his nature- he was a king, but as a politician he was no good.

"We are ready to answer any questions you might have,"- replied Saber, as always politely. He looked a bit out of his place because of the fact that he was sitting in the presence of the king. Perhaps out the four of the team he was the one who felt himself not sure and relaxed.

"Jesse Blue," - King Jarred made a pause, ran a heavy look over the four Star Sheriffs and coarsely added, - "are you sure he's dead?"

The straightforwardness of King Jarred had always surprised Commander Eagle. King had never thought that it would be a good idea to hide his emotions. He was not pleased and that was obviously showing in everything: his movements, his look, his manner to stand straight as if having swallowed a maypole, his refusal to take a seat, his ignoring of the etiquette.

"Oh, yes. We have saved humanity from him! He wasn't that good as he thought of himself,"- giggled Colt, having made a gallant hand gesture. His slightly frivolous look reached his teammates and they couldn't help their smiles. Colt could make anything seem a wonderful joke. He obviously failed to notice or understand the mood of the king. Eagle felt something squeezed inside him. Jarred's reaction was quick to follow.

"Shut up!"- the king roared in a loud voice, making April jump in her seat and the rest look at him worriedly.- "You killed my best agent!"

Only Eagle remained sitting in the convenient armchair, everybody else jumped from their places and puzzled stared at Jarred.

"That's nonsense!"- exclusively on emotions cried Colt.

"This it cannot be,"- exclaimed April pressing hands against chest. Her breathing was frantic enough to cause Fireball's surprise rapidly change into secret jealousy. April silently sat down, submerged into the abyss of complicated thoughts. Eagle came to the conclusion that he did it correctly not having spoken with his daughter about the real state of affairs. Fireball fell on the sofa dissatisfied, pursed his lips, and set his eyes into the thin air. To him at this very moment it was of no importance what place Jesse had in this war, he wanted to know what place was assigned to this teal-haired gentleman in April's heart. Saber, on the contrary, found the part of his lost confidence, straightened himself, getting rid as far as possible of the awkwardness which was experiencing in the presence of king Jarred.

"We did not know that he was your secret agent, if you would have told us about this, he would have remained living,"- in Saber's voice irritation was not felt but aggression was obvious. King Jarred sent him a heavy look.

"I was told you were best of the best - you had to understand. I could not expose the only person providing me with information from the behind of the enemy lines. I did not have any right to do it." - Jarred was in pain, for the first time really in pain after he had lost his best friend - Fireball's father. Now Jesse - during these long years he became like a son to Jarred. Clean, happy Star Sheriffs caused Jarred feel hatred, and he wanted to throw on them part of the responsibility for the loss of his agent, his friend, practically son. Their glad, light-hearted faces caused him uncontrollable anger, almost fury. They killed Jesse - they killed a man, a human being. It was not important who he was - he was in any case worthy to spend a few silent minutes at the edge of his grave.

"He worked for Nemesis, he behaved as a traitor. We did not have reasons to think about him otherwise. How could we understand?" - Saber spoke for all. April and Fireball were preoccupied with their own thoughts, and Colt had nothing to say.

"Saving your pointless lives, he repeatedly was on the edge of disclosure, but it could never occur to you what work he was doing for us, for the victory. Well, Colt remember how he let you leave during the day of your struggle on the asteroid. Jesse Blue a traitor? He even did not attempt to shoot to you at the back; he stopped the phantoms ready to tear you apart! He never it attacked you, you always assaulted first."- Jarred was irritated.

"He tried to kill me, I spent days in hospital afterward his tricks!" – Colt tried to justify himself.

"He had no choice. At that moment he had to get rid of you at any cos,." – the king retorted and with difficulty withheld one additional phrase ready to be uttered. –"Miss Eagle, you had to understand, for you this shouldn't have been so problematic. His deeds said that you and he were concerned with the same cause! Only he worked with his head in contrast to you. All of you! After the seizure of your father, he allowed Eagle to let you understand his whereabouts. You destroyed the lethal apparatus but at the same time you did not know what was gong on with your father. He knew it was hard for you and in spite of my strictest prohibition he contacted you to tell this. At that time I was ready to call him back from the task, I feared you would understand... Jesse was right, anybody but you. Then, with the following encounter he took away Trista's gun in fear she would kill you. Then he let your father escape. Hadn't it ever occurred to you, Mister Rider, that it was next to impossible to leave the iron planet without additional aid from the outside! You never thought about where from you had all the charts of all entrances and exits of the iron planet, if no human except Jesse Blue had ever crossed its boundaries. The phantoms have never worked for us, you all knew this! Why couldn't you understand from where we had so much secret information about their bases?" - Jarred made a pause, collected air into lungs and in a somewhat already doomed manner continued. –"He came out himself to escort you to the holy place- there, where was Nemesis himself. He did not manage to shut Nemesis down, he had too little time, and the weapon was insufficient. Jesse invited you... he held contact with me to the last, I ordered him to disclose everything to you, but the connection broke. I think because of the interventions created by Nemesis's shield he did not have time to be connected with you or because you killed him."- Jarred became silent, clenched fists, and for some time was preoccupied with the internal forces, fearing to pose last question. Commander Eagle observed the inner fight of the king. Jarred's sincerity was as always striking, Eagle couldn't grow accustomed to it. In the very essence, no longer there was any sense to talk about Jesse, there was important only what tomorrow brings. Today is the prologue of future - his future, Jarred's future. But the king himself was preoccupied with insignificant trifles.

"I want to repeat the question."- The king said. –"Are you sure he is dead? Perhaps you are wrong."

A pause fell. Eagle felt himself unsure and was waiting with impatience for the end of this nightmare: Jarred was too unpredictable and puzzling.

"I'm sure he's dead,"- dryly replied Saber. Colt wanted to add something but withheld.

"Thank you. I hope everything you have heard here remains among these walls. Information is secret and is not be spread,"- finished Eagle in a soft nice voice.

"But, daddy,"- cried April, having jumped up from her seat. An unpleasant grimace appeared on the face of the king. Such familiarity made him sick.

"Later, April,"- Eagle finished the talk wisely, and the Star Team left his office.

In sepulchral silence the Star Sheriffs left the building where the office of Commander was located. Without having uttered a word they got down by the elevator as each wanted to remain in private with own thoughts. After reaching the street, they looked at each other understanding that it was time to part and it was necessary to say something for farewell.

" I don't believe this!" - Colt said without any prior intro, turned around and left without saying goodbye. Saber followed his moving away figure until it disappeared from his sight, secretly envying his friend. Colt could get rid of any moral and ethical problems by a simple phrase: "I don't believe this!". However, Saber was horrified by the fact that he did believe and with each second he believed it stronger. "I will have to live with it, constantly thinking why I could not see this", - a doom thought came to his mind.

"Goodbye, guys,"- said April not looking at them, without hearing an answer she went her own way. Fireball wanted to say something to her as she was leaving but withheld.

"He's dead, Fireball,"- rather for himself than for the friend quietly uttered Saber, - "this is not love, this is pity, regret. She will stay with you."- Habit to solve each and every conflict distracted him from his thoughts. Fireball nodded to it, shook Saber's hand, and slowly wandered to his car. Saber with surprise realised that he remained completely one. The three of them will forget Jesse, with time he will be put into the backseat of their recollections, but personally he will hardly succeed in that. He will always return to memories understanding that it is not possible to change anything but thoughts will not leave him, they will not give the desired oblivion and comfort.

Jarred positioned himself holding back to Eagle, roaming in the corridor of his intricate thoughts, solving things with himself. Commander attempted to pick correct timing to finally have their worrisome conversation.

"Nemesis always takes away with himself my friends, we all are missing them,"- more to himself than to Commander uttered Jarred.

"Many families lost their close ones, we are all grieving,"- Eagle gave a fixed answer. The king did not listen to him, and he did not want to. For the first time in many years he felt fatigue, emptiness. They won but he didn't fell any happiness. Earlier, when his best friend left, he succeeded in convincing himself that it had to be so. Now... everything was for some reason otherwise, that sensation of fairness of things done was absent and only mistakes constantly stood before his eyes. Yes, of course, only one person, but he saved lives of millions but… The king did not believe in that anymore.

"You take personally deep the pain of your people, king Jarred,"- sympathetically friendly uttered Eagle. -"We all must remember the heroes who gave their lives for their people, their countries and remember that Nemesis will gather the forces return.

" Yes,"- answered the king, submerged in his thoughts. Eagle to him was unpleasant, but it was necessary to recognize his merits.

"It seems to me, now, when we have the possibility to rest from war, to heal our mental and physical wounds..." - Eagle could talk forever in his favourite teaching tone if Jarred wouldn't sharply break it.

"What do you want?"

Eagle began to squirm in his armchair. The feeling was far from being pleasant; Jarred was not to understand his true thoughts, even to hypothesise about them. Commander's wish had to be fancied and accept as own solution by the king.

" "Ramrod" is necessary and now more than ever, its role..." - again pathos arousing, as if delivering a speech from the platform, began Eagle just to be interrupted.

"I don't care about your motives, don't bother. Leave yourself Ramrod and I will take away Fireball. I feel obliged to his father; what I could not do for the father I will do for the son and I will protect him from you."

Neglect to Eagle in Jarred's words became increasingly more obvious, but he was not offended, rather on the contrary, he was happy. Jarred will free his little girl from Fireball, nothing can be better, and the place of a racer will be possible to take by another person. Now this no longer is so important. He will have to think a little how to tell that nicely for the rest of the team.

"I think, we understand each other,"- rising from the armchair said Eagle and unceremoniously patted Jarred on the arm. The king threw away Eagle's hand with the expression of extreme repulsiveness on the face and in swift steps left the office. Eagle quietly watched the king, stroking the upholstering of the armchair. Unexpectedly he recalled Jesse with his eternal mockery on the lips. Commander Blue did love evilly to laugh at Eagle, did parodied him... and where he now? Eagle warmly smiled. Thoughts from Jesse smoothly ran to Jarred. The king was too independent, too honest, open. And Jarred will not like others sing along Eagle's pipe... It is bad, this... but his son is very not bad... Possibly, marriage of his little girl with Mister Rider was not the best option...

Intense heat, wind and dust. The glowing sun, strong suffocating wind bringing down everybody and sandy dust beginning to crawl into all slots, it's impossible to find rescue from it, no place to take cover. You think that it is not a good idea to go out if the post of thermometer rose above + 35 'C, especially if your way lies along the locality deprived of any shadow. You consider that the sun will dry your head out and empty it and then a thermal shock is possible to happen to you. You will fall down and looking at the brightest sky in the world you will die. Your body will never be found, in this you are sure, it even will not rot, here the sun burns everything. You are afraid to be here? Oh, that means, you have never worked for King Jarred. You do not know what it is like to be his subordinate. You do not understand that good people can be cruel and sacrifice their close ones for the noble from their point of view purpose. They just like the sun burn everyone on their way, if we do not attempt to protect ourselves from their burning fatal rays. Hot wind, it also does not frighten you? What is wrong with desert wind that it does not please you? Yes, now and then it brings you down and instead of long-awaited release from the heat of the blazing sun, it suffocates you by its fiery heat. You inhale this incandescent air, what's left, you have to breathe, got problems with that? You choke? Well, naturally, and what you did expect? Your lungs are filled up with dry fire and in spite of infernal internal pain, you can go through this, but fear overcomes you, for you it is necessary to breathe like that! To again and again inhale incandescent air. Desert is such. No, are you sure? You are so categorical? You do not want to go? Decided to stay at home? Probably, you are not acquainted with Nemesis. Yes, that's it. If you knew Nemesis, you would look at such trifles with irony. Nemesis, he is always near, even when you do not see him. His confidence, like the incandescent wind, interferes with breathing; it brings down , you always fear to make a wrong step, to make a mistake. Entire life near him – like walking on the rope above the abyss. The wind of desert, not that should frighten you, if you knew Nemesis. You still do not want to be here? This cannot be! What, you don't like sandy dust? Yes, it is unpleasant certainly, loathsome somehow even, always trying to get somewhere, the deeper the better, come into trust. Dust, it's not worth any attention at all. You are not familiar with the politicians? Ah, yes, in this forgotten by god wilderness there are no politicians. Not a single one? A man went through the desert along the path that only he saw. A wide-brimmed hat protected his head; face was hidden behind a scarf in a Western outlaw manner. He did not hurry and did not quicken his pace- it was light and confident, it could seem from aside that the man was just taking a stroll. Only it's a pity that he was lonely and no one could appreciate his victory, the victory over the element of nature. He was smiling and going forward, sometimes his smile would turn into a cold smirk...

End

Translated August, 2005.