Hello everyone! If you come from my prompt story you already know what's up, and if you're a new reader simply enjoy.
This is part one (that most of you probably read and can skip to the middle of the chapter) and part two of Love is, by all means torture.
Part 1
Noise. That's all she can hear from the people around her. Loud, useless, headache giving noise. She turns around a couple of times just to get the slightest hint of where she is and where she's supposed to go. People are laughing, grinning from ear to ear while they parade around with their diplomas. It is sort of animalistic actually, that strong urge to dominate and shove your success in to other people's faces. She used to be just like that, raw, unapologetic and a brag. Oh how the times change. Her mother is approaching her, she has that proud mother/ tear stained look down, it makes Blair want to laugh out loud. She is surprised mother even knew it was her graduation today. At least her dad is here….or her dads as Harold tries to enforce, but she refuses. She will never use the term 'dad' to describe her father's lover Roman, never. Eleanor is talking something about the celebratory dinner afterwards, she is only halfway listening. Desperate to escape, her eyes start going through the crowd again and finally she spots who she's looking for, well at least one half of it.
Telepathically she calls for his help, and surprising enough he actually turns around. His smile is an indication that he gets what she needs. He apologizes himself from the person he's talking to and immediately starts going towards her.
''Miss Waldorf-'' he speaks as he reaches them ''-you look as stunning as ever.''
Her mother beams, taking the compliment well. ''Thank you Daniel, I can say the same thing about you, you should wear suits more often darling, they…suit you.'' She jokes and he laughs back. Blair sends him a look to cut it short, she wants to get out of here.
''Would you mind if I borrowed your daughter for a little while, I have to introduce her to someone.''
Eleanor is reluctant at first as she wanted to show Blair around for a moment longer, but smiles nevertheless. ''Sure, I'll speak to the two of you later. Daniel we'll see you at our dinner later, yes?''
''Of course, Miss Waldorf.'' Eleanor nods and in all her grace walks away. Blair sighs when she's finally far enough.
''You sure don't understand what the term wrap it up means, do you?'' She comments, and takes a glass of champagne from the waiter that hands them around.
''It's not my fault she likes me.'' Dan speaks with a proud smile to what she responds with an eye roll.
''Sure-'' she takes a rather large sip of her drink ''-I can't wait to get away from here, and I don't just mean the graduation, but this place entirely. I just can't anymore…with mother and all these people. Aren't you tired too?''
''Are you from yesterday? Of course I'm tired of it. I just have a stronger filter than you do. Why are you stressing over it now, you'll be in New Haven before you even know it.''
''Don't be so sure of it.'' She nervously bites her bottom lip. He takes much more from her action than he should. The thing is, he's been dealing with all these feelings for her lately, non friendship feelings and it's scaring the hell out of him. They've been friends since he can remember and so far it went without any complications. Then growing up kicked in and the girl he once saw like he saw any other girl or even a boy, now became the epitome of beauty in his mind. It was driving him crazy, especially because he was completely and utterly helpless about it. Why?
''Nate, finally.'' She beams from ear to ear and leans in to hug him.
That's why.
''I've been looking everywhere for the two of you, this shit is horribly boring. We should bail.'' He says while taking out a cigarette.
''No, Nate-'' Blair scrunches up her nose ''-you promised you wouldn't do it around me. Go get lung cancer somewhere else.'' She gives him a playful show. She is so small compared to him, but feisty. Still her action doesn't even make him flinch. He just laughs adoringly to her.
''I apologize, my queen.'' He teases and puts the box of Merit back in his pocket.
''Man, you look like you've just figured out the meaning of life, what's going on?'' Nate asks with a smirk. Dan shakes his head and returns with a slight smirk of his own.
''Nothing, just….nothing.'' Nate likes her too, loves her even. Dan can see it in his eyes. He looks at her with just as much adoration in him. Neither of them ever mentioned it. There's too much to risk. They're best friends by all means, all three of them, neither would dare to question that or do anything to ruin it. The only question is, how much longer can that last?
''Well come on, there's a thing in the Hamptons, like a pre-college party.''
''Yeah, Serena told me about that earlier.'' Blair commented, both hers and Nate's eyes immediately went to him in a pleading manner.
He sighs deeply, he hates those prepped rich kids parties, the duo before him loves them though so he really has no choice. Especially when they are giving him those doe eyed pleading looks, well at least Blair, Nate has more of an I will be really pissed if you bail on me look. It still works on him, it always does.
''It's not like the Hamptons are around the corner, it's already like five.''
Both of them just roll their eyes. ''It will be fun, think of it as a mini road trip.'' Blair chimes in. ''Please?'' she pleads.
''What about your mother's dinner?''
Blair sighs. Always the voice of reason that man is. Well, she is not. With or without him, she is going and that she lets him know.
''She doesn't even remember about that anymore. Look, you go or not, I have Nate to keep me company.''
This is the part when a silent cry erupts inside of him. If he didn't know any better, he'd be sure she's doing this on purpose.
''Fine, I'm going.'' He says. She immediately jumps on to hug him, releasing that cage of butterflies in his stomach. He has never hated an animal more.
''Great, Nate's already looking for the car.''
Ecstatic that this day is finally taking a better turn, she goes around for a couple of more minutes, just to say goodbye to everyone she won't see at the party. She excuses herself to her parents, Eleanor is displeased at first, but tells her to have fun anyways and her father, wanting to be the perfect father, tells her to hurry up and go already. She gives each one a kiss on the cheek- ignoring Roman and politely passes by.
Dan is heading outside, and she spots Nate on the parking lot leaning against his new vintage convertible, a graduation gift from his grandfather. The sight makes Blair's heart skip a beat, she doesn't even know why. Well okay, maybe she does. She broke a promise she made to herself, the one of never falling for either Nate or Dan.
It all started on the day of the snow storm. It was so awful Dan couldn't get from Brooklyn to the UES, but since Nate and her live down the street from one another, they spent the afternoon together at her place. The storm got out of control later on so he stayed and spent the night at the Waldorf brownstone. It wasn't the first time, but it was the first time in a long time they spent together alone, just the two of them. She enjoyed it far more than she should, but decided to ignore it. Her life would be simpler if that was the end of the story, but nothing in her life has ever been simple.
They got bored, found the key to her father's liquor cabinet and the rest is history. She lost her virginity to Nate Archibald that day. It wasn't the way she expected for it to happen, but she doesn't even regret it; he was nothing but careful and loving with her, it's what you get after knowing each other for such a long time. She expected to see him gone the next morning, but he was still there, laying next to her. Sober and clear headed he dared to admit that he does have feelings for her, but given the situation it's not the best thing in the world. It was a mutual decision never to mention it to Dan or anyone for that matter. Nate was scared he'd lose Dan as a friend and Blair was scared he'd think less of her because of her decisions. It was all too much. It's something she's tried so hard to keep to herself for the past year or so. But karma came back and her feelings for Nate resurfaced. It's nothing Blair will act on, but it's always gonna be there at the back of her mind, eating its way through her core. That is until she finds a way to get over him.
''Oh come on, you guys are taking forever.'' Nate groaned and hopped on to the driver's seat. Dan took the passenger seat while Blair sat in the back.
''Why so impatient Archibald, too scared that all the hot chicks will be taken by the time we get there.'' Dan teased to what Blair simply scrunched up her nose. She started typing furiously on her phone just to get the matter out of her head.
''First-'' Nate holds up his pointer finger as he starts the engine ''- there's always enough hot chicks when you're hot as me, equal levels of hotness attract-'' he jokes being his typical self. Dan laughs out loud but Blair doesn't find it funny at all ''- and second, Blair-'' he gives her a look through his rear-view mirror ''-if you put any more impact on your phone when you type, it's going to explode.''
Blair simply rolls her eyes and groans. The two boys immediately notice something is up, but knowing Blair it's better not to mention anything, at least not yet.
''Just shut up and drive Archibald-'' she puts the phone closer to her ear ''- I want to get there before everyone's so drunk they can't see clearly.''
She ignores them for the next twenty minutes or so due to her phone conversation with Serena. It is mostly a quiet ride, especially for her. Dan and Nate exchange comments now and then and laugh at stuff, but she just stays there in the back, quiet to herself. When they finally get there, her spirits lift up. She sees all of those people who she generally hated for the most of high school but is also generally going to miss when she leaves for college. Serena is the first to greet them, she is full of good energy which immediately cheers Blair up too. The blonde then goes on to hug Dan and Nate. Dan didn't like her in particular, he only ever saw her as a trashier blonde version of Blair who doesn't really care for anything but her good looks, and she hasn't proven him wrong yet. Nate however enjoyed her company more, he often hung out with her, along with Chuck Bass, Georgina Sparks, Carter Baizen and a lot of other people Dan couldn't stand. Blair only liked about half of them. She had a short fling with Carter a couple of years ago that didn't end well, so she only smiled awkwardly as she passed him. She went straight to the bar to get herself a much needed Cosmo just because she could.
Dan joined her a couple of minutes later after he said hi to some of his own friends who were surprisingly there. Graduation really does make people come together, huh. He cracked open a beer and leaned against the counter next to Blair. Her eyes were seemingly following Nate as he mingled with the crowd, high-fiving some of his lacrosse buddies now and then, winking to a girl or two. It was a spectacle really.
''I don't understand how he can do it, honestly.'' He speaks suddenly. Her head quickly turns in to his direction, her mouth forming a slight ''O''.
''You startled me.'' She laughs quietly, then adds. ''Do what?''
''That-'' he points towards their friend ''-like how the hell does he feel like just being with all those people all the time, I mean he is literally friends with everyone, a jock or a nerd. Sometimes, when he goes around talking to people like that, it looks like he's preparing for a presidential campaign.''
Both of them burst out laughing at his comment.
''Nate Archibald, the man of people...sounds about right-'' Blair adds on. ''-I don't know, he's always just so patient I guess….or careless.''
''I couldn't do it, not for the death of me.'' Dan says. It is a dark thought, his whole mind is. The fact that he gets annoyed by the littlest things people do, makes him want to scream in frustration with himself. It is that and his strong sense of sarcasm that makes people think he's weird, either that or they're scared of him. Blair was a mixture of both; everyone knew who she was and wanted to be around her, just as much everyone feared her. Especially those underclassmen who followed her around like puppies. It was pathetic by all means, but for Blair it only created a stronger image.
''You're an intellectual Dan, you understand just how deadly relationships with people can be. I've always admired that.'' She says and leans her head on his shoulder. She can't quite explain it, but the level of comfort she is currently feeling is powering enough to make her forget that Nate is flirting with a girl just a few meters away from her.
Dan is surprised with her movement, but doesn't say a thing. This time before overanalyzing it, he lets himself enjoy the moment.
''It was crazy, the police just showed up-'' she speaks excitedly, what is her name again? Stacy? Stella? Not that it matters, his mind isn't where it should be and he hasn't listened for the past five minutes. How could he? Not with Blair leaning all over Dan, that's for sure. He tries his best not to let his temper take over. He is here to get drunk out of his mind and forget about all of it. Forget about her.
''Yeah, crazy.'' He cuts her off. ''Hey-'' he takes the half full glass of some suspicious looking red liquid from her hand ''-let me get you a new one, okay?'' He grins in that charming way that no girl on this world can stay phlegmatic at.
Blair sees him approaching them and unconsciously lifts her head from Dan's shoulders. She smoothes over invisible creases on her dress just to keep herself occupied.
''Hey-'' he speaks in a half annoyed tone, or is it just her wild imagination? ''-having fun?'' No, she is definitely right. He is annoyed. What an interesting turn of events.
Dan shrugs and keeps sipping his beer while she leans back against the bar. ''Not as much as you, that one looks like a dream.'' Blair says in a mocking tone, while on the inside jealousy peaks it's ugly head. The girl he was talking to just now is by all means gorgeous, in fact she does look like a dream, but Nate doesn't have to know she thinks that.
''I know right-'' he pokes right back ''- she's like the hottest girl I've ever seen.''
Dan suddenly finds himself in the middle of a very uncomfortable exchange. Nate has a proud smirk plastered on his face, whilst Blair looks like she's about to cry. She takes her Cosmo from the counter and excuses herself.
''Enjoy.'' She says hatefully before leaving them.
''Dude, what the hell?'' Dan scowls. ''Was it really necessary to be so mean to her?''
''Mean? She started it.'' He fights back. ''She's been leaning all over-'' you, almost slips from his mouth, but he bites down on his tongue in time. ''You know what, doesn't matter. Are you seriously taking her side in this?''
For once, Dan doesn't have anything smart to say.
''And let's say I was being mean to her, she does far worse things to you and me on a daily basis and no one bats an eye. Since when do we have to censure around each other? Never took you for a double standard enthusiast Humphrey''
Dan feels slightly guilty for making assumptions. Oddly, Nate has a point. This is why he hates these parties, he should have listened to his primer instincts and stayed at home. Now he is stuck here, his main priority being to keep his best friends from killing each other. What an extraordinary night!
''Honestly, the two of you do just whatever you want-'' he sounds dramatic even to himself, he's been spending way too much time with Blair ''-but keep me out of it.''
Nate rubs his temple to relieve some of the pent up tension in there. Blair's always been excessive with her feelings, maybe he was starting to act like that too. His night is taking a turn from enthusiastic to depressing and surprisingly he blames himself for it. His eyes search the crowd for someone, anyone to get this out of his head. Usually the first person he runs to is Dan, but he looks rather pissed that they even dragged him here, left alone does he have the nerve to ask for advice. Ironically her petite form wrapped from head to toe in Chanel's summer wear is the first thing he notices. She is in a group of people, each of them giving their fullest attention to her. It would be a tragedy not to, especially with her natural charisma that just draws you in. He isn't the only one impressed by that and as the group around her slowly breaks apart, there is still a dark haired guy he's never met before that sticks around. The blood in his vessels boils as the aforementioned 'gentleman' puts his hand on her hip. In a blink of an eyelash his old competitive, passive aggressive, jealous self is back, only this time backed up with alcohol.
Serena should have been the first to notice this when he approached her a few moments later, it wasn't entirely her fault that she didn't. After all, she was just a girl like any other while he was not like any other; he was charming, stunning and absolutely magnetizing. He hands her a drink he ordered from the bar and she takes it, setting the foundation for the most disastrous evening there could be. Nate Archibald is unusually flirty, when she calls him out for it, he blames his friendly nature. She throws her head back in giggles, not even the slightest aware that her best friend is shooting daggers through her just across the beach.
When they leave hand in hand after about twenty minutes, Blair has enough of it. She sets down what used to be a full glass of red and looks through her purse manically. When her eyes finally spot the shiny object she was looking for, a smile spreads across her features. Nate's car keys firmly in her hand, she marches through the crowd towards the parking lot. What she has in mind (which is to drive back home and leave that bastard here alone and car-less) is wrong on so many levels, mostly because she's had alcohol and it's not her car so it's basically stealing. Midst all she is leaving Dan behind, but she needs to do this on her own and Dan is smart enough to find himself a ride back home (even though he will hate her for this). As for Nate, she couldn't care less. At least that's what she says to herself. Yet when she finally finds the car and drives for a while, Make you feel my love starts on the radio. Her face is full of tears as she cries hysterically. She stops a few times along the road to lit one of his fancy cigarettes that she despises so much. By the time she is home, it's three in the morning and the cigarettes are gone. She gets barely any sleep that night.
The next day still seems like a haze. She is awoken by a furious phone call from Dan who, despite her trying to explain that it was necessary, still thinks the worst of her actions. Her calls her imprudent and hangs up. Good, because if that phone call went on it wouldn't get any better. It is only the start of it. She is just about to open up the curtains when she spots a familiar rather angry figure rushing down the street. She abandons everything that she's doing and quickly throws on some clothes before rushing down in the speed of lightning. Her primary goal is to get down there before he gets a chance to get inside and before they make a scene in front of her mother that is inevitable. She bumps in to the doorman, immediately ordering for him to get inside, she has a private conversation to do. The man is hesitant, then she sends him one of her deadly stares and he walks away without another word.
Nate's eyes are wider than she ever saw them, they stand chest to chest. His eyes trace her body for a second, the fact that she is dressed in her nightgown clearly confusing him. However he isn't here to chat with her and he makes it clear by using a firm loud tone when he speaks.
'' You know for someone else this would be a new low, but for you, it's just another middle.''
''Be careful with the big words darling, you don't want to confuse yourself.''
He takes none of her usual mockery and stands firmly. ''No, you've done a pretty damn good job yourself-''
''-Ugh you've got to be kidding me-'' she loses it ''- someone who doesn't know the real you would fall for that clueless act of yours, but I won't.''
''Clueless act?! Here's an idea, why, the next time before you decide to go crazy on me you actually try to explain what the fuck your problem with me is!''
''My fucking problem with you is you! You make me insane, it's unbearable to be around you, you make me question my life choices, everything about you makes me want to scream from the bottom of my soul.''
''No, you'd have to have a soul for that-'' he hisses back. The early socialites and businessman passing the neighborhood are giving them strange looks. The fight goes on to such depth and width she can't even comprehend.
She yells, he yells back, she screams, he grunts. She throws his car keys at him, and throws all of her decency away too. By the very end, her eyes are burning with temptation to simply let it all out and cry for the rest of her life, because that is exactly how she feels. Her pride weighs in this time and she holds her breath till the very minute. He furiously shuts his car door as he gets in, driving off while she throws some more insults after him. It is only when she can no longer see him, that she feels his and her own words kicking in. She runs inside, locking herself in the privacy of her bedroom where she remains for the next two days.
The day her acceptance letter for Yale comes is a rainy one. The weather reflects her inner self very well and she can't blame everyone for frowning at her when she simply shrugs her shoulders after reading the letter.
''I got in.'' She says drily, she practically tosses the envelope to the coffee table and walks back to her room where she had spent the most of her summer vacation.
''Blair Cornelia Waldorf, is this a joke?'' her mother speaks using her authoritative tone.
''The fact that I got in or the fact that my head isn't exploding with happiness over it?'' her question leaves everyone in shock. The door of her room closes shut before anyone has time to ask any more persuasive and guilt giving questions.
It is two days before her departure and she is packing up the remaining of her clothes for New Heaven when Dan calls.
''We haven't talked for a while-'' he starts of, hearing his voice after a few months only makes her realize how much she had actually missed him. ''-we're both going to Yale…unless you resorted to NYU.''
His teasing makes her laugh, it being the first time she had laughed in quite some time. She simply sighs and makes a smart comment about him better not bringing his plaid shirts with him or else she'll be forced to go all Edward Scissorhands on him. She figures all is forgiven, at least for now and honestly she could use a friend now like never before. They talk for almost an hour and their talk is easy, that is until he mentions Nate.
''You know, he got in to Dartmouth,right? No surprise there.''
She decides to play dumb this time. ''Who are you talking about.''
She hears him sigh quietly, she can imagine him rolling his dark brown eyes with annoyance.
''Anyways-'' she can play dumb all she wants, but just like that he can ignore her ignorance ''-he is actually already there.''
She answers with silence. It is a good thing, because the less she has to say about him, means the less she thinks about him. Dan shouldn't have mentioned it, not when she doesn't care.
''You know, that's not all-'' he takes a pause before continuing ''-you know who else got a change of heart and is attending Dartmouth?''
She doesn't know, she's been isolating herself from everyone the entire summer. Dan knows it very well and feels a good dose of guilt for neglecting her for the entirety of it. She thinks it's because of the incident after the party, but the real reason is much deeper and much more painful for him. He always thought the three of them were equals which included equally caring for each other, but when he heard that Blair had in fact gone mad because of Nate, his whole perspective changed. Nate obviously had a much larger impact on her, her behavior these moths proved it. It filled Dan with unwanted anger and jealousy he tried to deny. Here he is, blindly falling for her like a fool, only to realize she suffers after another. This is where things get really messed up. All this time that he had known Nate, in his eyes, there wasn't a better guy than him. As his wingman, Dan would praise him, present him as some kind of royalty when trying to hook him up with girls. Everything changed when the girl who had fallen for him turned out to be Blair. In Dan's eyes, Nate will never be good enough for Blair. He hates hurting her and telling her what she should know will hurt her, but it's better for her to find out now then by a Gossip Girl blast.
''It's Serena.''
Blair puts down the highlighter she used to frantically underline almost her entire textbook because her professor is crazy and she is on the verge of failing his class. She takes out her favorite Mac lipgloss and runs it a few times over her bottom lip.
''A pretty girl like you doesn't need that, your lips are already perfect.''
She puts down the pocket mirror and smirks to the boy before her. Getting compliments from random boys that take classes with her is now a daily thing, she still hasn't decided whether she likes it or not. Well, it is definitely encouraged.
''Couldn't you come up with a better pick up line than that.'' She leans on her hand and watches with amusement.
''I couldn't think, your beauty threw me off.''
She throws her head back in laughter ''How predictably charming. I'd like to hear more of those original thoughts you have, but my class starts in five.'' She picks up her books and purse, sliding off of the stone bench in the garden-like study room that was out in nature. It is her favorite place on the whole campus, especially in the winter when no one is around. She'd come and simply sit on the snow covered bench, enjoy the silence. She was lucky enough to get a dorm room entirely for herself, but she was still in a flat with about forty people. It was never quiet. Dan lived just a floor beneath. It meant a lot to have a friend so near, especially the first few weeks when they barely knew anyone. She has friends now, mostly girls with an admirable taste in fashion, literature and theatre like herself. It's only been four months but she finds herself enjoying it much more than she had ever enjoyed high school. She no longer enjoys late night partying and doing things that'd get her in trouble simply because it thrilled her. She's finally reached that level of maturity that Dan has always had, which only brought them closer together.
''Don't break my heart now, I'm still waiting for my invite to the Valentine's day dance.''
''And I'm still waiting for my mother ship to pick me up, yet it doesn't come Spencer.'' She smiles teasingly and waves to the boy. She hadn't even thought about the dance, she probably won't even go. Even if she wanted to, who would she bring? She didn't have a boyfriend.
She used to love those kinds of things, now they just seem like a pain in the ass.
''Shit-'' he mutters and throws the remote back on the couch with a displeased look on his face ''-we missed it.'' They are in his room, and while everyone else is at the dance, they are having their not a Valentine's day dinner because both of them dislike the matter very much.
''Aw-'' she frowns ''-I was really looking forward to it, Rosemary's baby is my second favorite Valentine's day movie.''
''Which one's your first?'' He asks bemused.
''My Fair Lady.'' She says and shoves a spoonful of chocolate ice cream in her mouth.
''That's your answer to everything.'' He rolls his eyes.
''It's my all time favorite movie, like you're the one to talk, mister Rear Window, with so much Hitchcock in your life, no wonder you're so weird.'' She teases.
He is about to start a heated discussion about their different taste for theatre when both of their phones go off. They give each other weird looks before reaching for their devices. She is the first one to get hers. Her face goes pale, her bottom lip slightly trembling. Her reaction throws him off, he can only imagine what it's about.
''Blair-'' he calls carefully as he reads the blast. Apparently, his best friend is dating no other than Serena van der Woodsen.
''Wow, just wow-'' she speaks to herself, she shakes her head quickly and blinks a few times before heading off to his bathroom.
''Blair-'' he calls after her, but only gets a door slammed in front of his face.
''I'm fine-'' her shaky voice responds ''-really. I just….need to clear my head for a bit.''
She comes out five minutes afterwards. Her eyes are a bit red, but not a lot like they usually are when she's crying much, which is a good sign.
''She is supposed to be my best friend and we haven't even talked since graduation.''
''Is it really Serena that bothers you in all of this or is it something else?'' he has the courage to ask.
Her eyes gloss as quickly as she starts to blink. She presses her lips together in a painful manner. He can't bear to see her destroyed like this. He gets up and pulls her in a hug. It doesn't take long before she is weeping against his shoulder.
''I can't do this anymore. Keep pretending that I don't care-'' she moves away and starts pacing the room ''-like I'm not hurt. I can't anymore.''
''Then do something about it, you're Blair Waldorf for god's sake, you take control of your life, not other people, remember? What happened with that?''
''What am I supposed to do?'' she yells with despair.
''Talk to him. Resolve this. You're not five anymore, god damnit, stop acting like it. Both of you.''
''You weren't there, you don't know how horrible it was-'' she tries to explain ''-the things we said to each other….I told him I hated him Dan, I told him I hated him, and the worst part is that at that very moment I meant it.''
''Do you mean it now?'' He is ready for the answer that will break his heart like many other times, but it doesn't matter. None of it matters because he cares about her more than anything. Even if it means she is still in love with his best friend.
''It doesn't matter anymore-'' she is frustrated with him, why is he forcing it this much. Why for once can't he just leave things unresolved.
''Yes it does.'' He insists.
''Why?'' she yells in desperation.
Daniel Humphrey is a settled person. Never once did it happen that he would cause a scene. His nerves are made of steel and keeping his head cool is a talent of it's own. But there are also times, times like this one, when he simply breaks.
''Because I'm in love with you, and I can't do it properly if you love someone else.'' As soon as the words get out he frowns at himself. Blair's eyes are wide as she stares at him. For a minute there, her heart stops beating and sinks in to her heels. She is waiting for one of them to wake up from this dream, but neither of them is. Because it isn't a dream. It is happening. She doesn't know what to say.
''I-'' her voice stammers ''-I don't-'' She doesn't understand. How? Or when? Or why? But he is here and he is not taking back what he said and he loves her. With all of her flaws and obsessions and eccentric behavior, this amazing guy she is honored to call her best friend says he is in love with her. She must be ill then, because not a single fiber in her body responds to that. She feels nothing but the ends of her nerves stinging.
''I have to go.'' She takes her jacket and storms out. He doesn't bother to go after her. Not after he feels like he could kill himself, forever shutting that unraveling mouth of his.
''Nate are you even listening?'' Serena waves a hand in front of his face and flashes a bright smile when he finally looks up.
''What? Sorry-'' he rubs his forehead ''-I'm just really tired from lacrosse practice, you were saying?''
She opens her glossed lips to speak but is cut off by her phone. She takes it out and smirks when reading the message or whatever it is. She turns the screen over to him, showing him a picture of the two of them on that pretentious Gossip Girl site.
''I guess it's official now.'' She says and turns the screen off. ''Where did they even get that photo of us, my hair looks huge-'' she goes on to complain about the bad lighting of the photo or whatever nonsense thing that pops on to her mind, but he shuts her out. Now everyone knows he's in a relationship when he isn't even sure he wants this relationship in the first place. Being with Serena was fun at first, she helped him forget. When he found out she applied for the same college as he did, he only thought well of it. Their relationship was strictly casual and of sexual nature, therefore her being close wasn't a bad thing. Then the worst happened; while he was getting more and more tired of being with her, her affection towards him grew stronger. He should have ended it long before. Instead, out of pure pity and being scared that loneliness would eat him alive, he let things get out of hand. He didn't have the heart to break up with her. Despite what everyone thought of her, she was nice, sweet and a genuine person. She loved with her whole heart, she had that kind of innocence in her that drew him in like a magnet. Still, half a year had passed and his feelings for her didn't change. He loved her very much, a brotherly kind of love, not at all what she deserved.
Then there was Blair. Not a minute had passed since that day of their fight that he hadn't thought of her. She was there all of the time, it seemed like every song about a broken heart was written for her, every girl with brown hair was her and every time he heard the letter 'B' his heart skipped a beat. He took his pain to the nearest bar. It was inhuman for him to leave Serena alone for Valentine's, but he couldn't take the pressure. Nate couldn't bring himself to look in to her eyes while she told him she loved him, when he was picturing another girl. He could only be mean when he wanted to, but never cruel.
His third drink down, he had his phone in his hand. A semi masochistic feeling filled him when, with shaking fingers, he opened a folder titled 'Blair'. He swiped a few times, a small smile twitching at the ends of his lips when he saw her beautiful face. A photo of Blair covered in smudged ice cream appeared. She managed to eat a whole bowl without using her hands, she'd never been more proud of anything she'd done. His heart soared at the sight and the flashbacks. He quickly exited the gallery.
Without having an idea of what he's doing, he dialed her number.
Part 2
Blair entered her room and closed it just as quick with a forceful slam. She threw her stuff on the bed and paced around the room nervously. Her head was spinning along with her emotions. She should have seen it coming, it's not like she didn't know. There were times where she thought she felt it too, those feelings were a mutual thing. It was a constant battle of romance and friendship, and so far friendship always came first, at least for her it did. This could ruin everything. What if he never sees her as a friend and decides to ignore her existence now that she's walked out on him. Still, there's a small chance, a tingly feeling that makes her believe she'll walk back in, just as fast as she walked out. Dan is good for her, always has been. Maybe he even loves her.
Maybe she even loves him.
Her phone vibrates against the wooden desk. It's probably Dan, he always calls, he can't leave things unsettled. It was quite surprising that he stayed in place when she stormed out instead of going after her. She stares at the phone for a while, unsure if she should answer.
Her heart gives out when the call is not from the self-effacing poet. Her breathing quickens, a mixture of leftover anger and hurt coursing her body. Not a part of her miniature body wants to answer, in her true dramatic self she would much rather throw the phone in to the closest wall. Her mind finds a way to surprise her every day…. mostly with cold showers like this one. Her hand is reaches for the device and she dares to slide and answer.
She stays quiet for a while. She is afraid that her voice might sound vulnerable and show how she's really feeling inside; it's a pleasure he won't get from her.
''Blair?'' he speaks after a while. His voice is deep and sharp, it burns her insides, making it that more unbelievable that she made herself talk to him.
''Hi.'' No emotion spills from her simple greeting, she can keep herself in check and she intends to keep it that way.
''Hey-'' his voice softens. Her heart skips a beat at the sudden change, but she remains careful. She was burned one too many times to be lead back in so easily. He is quiet for a while, she's starting to think he's doing this on purpose, just to mess with her some more. Then all of a sudden he speaks.
''Do you hate me?'' His voice doesn't waver once as he asks her this straightforward question. She frowns, her eyes widening. In her head she predicted different scenarios, most of them quite cruel in their nature, but this…this is something even she couldn't understand. He patiently waits for her answer, it takes so long because she is trying to convince herself she does hate him. She tries and tries, her mind goes through all of the bad things he ever did or say to her, but all of those don't add up to a digit big enough to fill her heart with hatred. Instead she remembers him walking her home from school every day because two streets down seemed too long for her to walk by herself, she remembers their summers on his father's yacht and all of the laughs she shared with him. She remembers her first kiss on a rainy day where they spent the whole afternoon running around and splashing each other. She remembers the way he took care of her the following week when she was on the verge of getting pneumonia. She remembers the day she fell in love with him and still waits for the day she'll fall out of it. Her emotions resurface like they never even left. She tries to bat those betraying tears away with her lashes and realizes she's been quiet for a while.
''No-'' she says quietly ''-I don't hate you.''
Nate isn't the type of person to be overly emotional, there are times where he feels nothing at all, just plain numbness. This time the sound of her voice hurts his heart. She sounds unhappy, heartbroken even. The fact that they both screwed up and got themselves in to this never ending state of misery almost makes him laugh in irony. It feels like the older he gets, the more he is capable of screwing things up. This isn't how he imagined going in to adulthood. Then again, he's been disappointed so much over the course of the past few years, he doesn't know why it still comes as a surprise.
He has a lot to say, but those are things he isn't allowed to say out loud. It took him a while to admit to himself that he has feelings for her, he isn't ready to let her know yet. He may never be ready, that is why he needs to do what he does best. Let go.
Blair, more than anyone he knows, deserves to be happy. He has no right to take it away from her. So he doesn't.
''I don't hate you either, I just-'' miss you. ''-I have to go now.''
Coward.
He can hear a soft whimper of what could be disappointment….or it could be relief that it's finally over. Either way he can't end their conversation with an anger filled note. The last time that happened was disastrous on both parts, he sees this as his last chance for redemption.
''But I'll talk to you soon, okay? Spring break is around, maybe I'll visit you and Dan.'' Nate's voice is bitter as her says his name. He fights so much against it, hates himself for silently hating him, but what else is there for him to do? Pretend like he is okay with the way it all turned out? Turns out he has no other choice. Not after he's the one who cooked it all up.
She is quiet as she ponders his offer. Seeing Nate face to face makes her stomach twitch in tight knots. Bringing Dan in to the equation makes the situation even more mortifying and despite all of it her answer is ''That'd be great.''
What in her right mind is she thinking? The only possible scenario that could play out and later be addressed as great is the one where they all meet up and someone sets them on fire. Well, maybe not her; she is the damsel in distress, the femme fatale, the heroine of the story.
Dan is deep in his thoughts when they accidentally meet at the school library. He quickly passes by hoping she won't notice and heads straight for the exit. He isn't as transparent as he likes to think he is. His entire life he's been nothing but irrelevant and inexistent to most of the people, oddly enough he wishes he could have that back.
''You're trying to get away from me.'' Her voice startles him just as he pushes trough the door. He stands there with his back facing her. He didn't get a minute of sleep last night, it wasn't an option after what he pulled off. He can feel her cold stare behind him and reluctantly turns around. He offers her a fake smile which comes off as more of a grimace, setting the already awkward situation straight.
Her features soften when he finally looks back at her. He can tell he isn't the only one nervous by the way her knuckles turned white from her grip on the text books in her right hand.
''I'm-I'm not.'' He lies trough his teeth. ''I'm just really in a hurry, I have a class in about five.'' It's a pathetic lie she sees right trough.
''No you don't-'' she accuses ''-you don't have classes after 10 on Monday.'' Her words are rushed and barely understandable. She pushes a strand of her hair away from her face with her free hand to distract herself.
''You know my schedule?''
''Is this really what we're talking about-'' she snaps, gripping her books tighter to her chest ''-your schedule?''
He is getting just as annoyed as she is. He got himself in to this god-awful mess because of his undying need to say everything that's on his mind, he does that all the time. He rarely gets out of it, not by himself anyways.
''What are we supposed to talk about? The way things are going to get weird from now on? The fact that you'll ignore my existence and we'll go back to the way we were before? I already know all of this, you know all of it, is it really necessary to say it out loud?'' He doesn't stall around, they passed that point a long time ago.
Her eyes tear up at the corners. She presses her lips together to control the unbearable anger that's building inside of her. She shakes her head ever so slightly before speaking again.
''Maybe if we talked about it before, things wouldn't be the way they are now? Maybe if you weren't such a conceited human being and came clean about what you felt earlier I wouldn't have reacted the way I did and maybe-'' her voice goes an octave higher with every well pronounced word ''-if you weren't so damn reserved to yourself and showed interest in how I feel, you'd know I feel something about you too.''
Both of them gasp as her final words echo between them. His eyes search hers for explanation. He steps closer, his hands slide to her arms in order to bring her close too.
''Is that true?'' he asks, his voice sounding deeper than it ever did to her '' You feel something about me.''
Her eyes flick from him to their hands as he patiently waits for her response. So much comes to her mind in those few seconds, her entire life plays in front of her and she wonders if that's what it's like when you're dying and everything rewinds before you. Such dark thoughts to have on what should be a joyful occasion. She takes a millisecond to paint a list of pros and cons in her head which seems harder than ever. A painful feeling pools in her gut when her mind wraps around the highlighted name on the con list. Nate's name will always linger in the back of her mind and she decides it is the only place it should ever be. She loves him and that's alright, she had for the past 19 years and she survived. She can love him in the back of her mind too. For all she believes in, love alone makes nothing. It will never be enough, as soon as people realize that, the better. Because Nate is in Hanover, Nate only ever cares when he's vulnerable, Nate has someone to love and someone to love him back right where he is. Maybe it's time she lets herself have that too.
''Yes-'' her voice isn't strained any more ''- I have for quite some time and-'' she doesn't get to finish her sentence because Dan is kissing her, the gentlest kiss she has ever had and just like that she believes falling in love with him will be the easiest thing in the world.
It is strange at first, when both of them have to adapt. They fight about the tiniest detail as which movie to watch or who affected renaissance the most, she is so often annoyed by his little quirks that she starts to love them after a while. They do their little cat and mouse game for three months. Three months of exploring each other's minds which results with brilliant findings. All is well until one day the friction they've been creating for some time now tightens and sex is accidentally brought up.
Blair swirls her fork around the salad she barely touched. It is springtime finally; everything is as alive and as loud as it can be. Like all of the other little things that cheer people up, she strongly dislikes this one. She hates this weather, she prefers rain. It's been a rather sunny start of the year with constant heat waves and even though she is only a few hours away from home and the temperatures are likely similar, she still finds herself missing the crisp wintery air of New York. She looks over at Dan wondering if he ever feels like that too. Oddly enough she doesn't know which kind of weather he prefers, that or she simply can't remember. Not knowing is not her thing so she makes a mental note to ask him later. Things have been as good as they can be. She can't say the same thing for him, mostly because you can never read what's on his mind, but that's nothing new. He affects her in different ways…most importantly, not matter how distant he is, he never leaves her hanging. By all means they are a couple, even though they never put a label on it. She agreed to that, but now it's starting to annoy her. She likes labels, she is raised that way. She wants to talk to him about all of it, having made a vow to herself that this time around she won't keep things solely to herself.
He seems engrossed in the group conversation she spaced out of a long time ago. They are having their lunch break with another couple that they've bonded with, Mark and Vanessa. Dan gets along with both of them as he's known Vanessa since his childhood, he never spoke about her before which only makes Blair that more suspicious of her. Still, she likes to hang around them, while she can't share her extraordinary taste in fashion with the girl, Mark is built up with her kind of intelligence and dark humor, something she'll always appreciate. Besides she has to befriend someone else than Dan, who doesn't really count because he is her boyfriend.
A hand waves in front of her face, a gesture she finds extremely tacky, she isn't surprised that it's Vanessa trying to get her attention.
''I'm listening-'' she shakes her head slightly and nods in confirmation. Dan gives her a weird look, followed by a smile at her confused expression.
''In conclusion, it doesn't count!'' Vanessa exclaims with a smug look on her face. Mark rolls his eyes characteristically and pokes the girl's upper arm.
''Stop trying to get yourself out of this. It's fine, I mean, just admit it happened.''
''Admit what happened?'' Blair finally makes an effort to be a part of the conversation. The group looks at her and laughs. Dan rubs her arm while shaking his head.
''Tell me once more how concentrated you are all of the time?'' he teases. She punches his chest playfully and earns a groan.
''Shut up.''
Vanessa smiles at the couple that never seems to stop bickering, it's sort of adorable and slightly concerning at the same time.
''I almost had sex with this guy I met before Mark, almost-''
''It wasn't almost-'' Mark cuts in immediately with an accusing tone ''you went all the way on him, lady-''
Vanessa ignores her overanalyzing boyfriend and continues with her story while both Dan and Blair watch with amusement ''-and now he claims it counts as losing my virginity to him, it's nonsense and it didn't happen.''
Blair exhales, sending a small laugh after it ''Is this really what we're discussing right now?'' She looks at Dan. He smirks back and nods ''Apparently.''
''Even worse, it happened after they've only dated for about a week. A week!'' Mark's semi anger makes the pair laugh. Blair is mostly amused by the fact that even an intellectual like Mark can get easily frustrated by such stupid little things.
''You made me wait two months.'' He points out and crosses his arms over his chest. Vanessa frowns and puts down the pen she's been scribbling notes with.
''It is the common time to wait before you have sex in a relationship-'' she argues. Her eyes fall on Dan and Blair and she looks between them ''-The two of you have been together for like..three or four months. You guys waited for two right, everyone waits at least for two months.''
Sudden silence falls over them as Vanessa and Mark wait for a response. Dan moves his hand from where it rested around Blair and ruffles trough his hair while Blair's cheeks turn crimson.
Vanessa suddenly frowns and covers it up with a hand to her mouth. ''Oh my god, I am so sorry-'' she apologizes quickly and feels embarrassed herself ''-I never think before I speak, I didn't mean to.''
Mark shakes his head at his girlfriend and gives her a wide-eyed look. ''We should go now.'' He says simply and pulls Vanessa of her chair by her upper arms.
''I am so sorry-'' she rambles, both Dan and Blair shrug it off. Blair tries her best to smile a toothy grin but it comes off as a painful grimace instead.
''It's really fine.'' Dan says nervously while Marks practically drags Vanessa from their table.
He sits with Blair there for a couple of agonizing minutes until, finally, she gets up from her chair.
''I should head too, I don't want to be late for my internship meeting.''
He nods (and decides to ignore the fact that she is lying because he knows that meeting is tomorrow) thankful she put them out of this misery even for a little while.
Her ''meeting'' turns out to last much longer that he thought it would, she clearly has a lot to think trough. Dan tries to occupy himself with various things, from book to television and none of it works. He shuts the TV down and leans forward, burying his head in his hands. She must be torturing herself with all the obligations she now sees in her mind. The truth is exactly the contrary; Dan doesn't expect anything from her. He wants them to have sex eventually, he is only a guy made out of blood and meat and she is insanely beautiful. But that doesn't mean she has to feel obligated to do anything. He decides he needs to tell her that right now and her imaginary meeting would have to wait. His hand digs in to the pocket of his jeans just as his dorm room door opens. She sends him a shy smile before entering and closing the door behind her. She removes her trench coat and instead of sitting by his side like usual, she starts pacing around the room.
''How was your meeting'' he asks absurdly.
''Fine.'' She quickly answers as if wanting to shut him up so she can get to more important things.
''So-'' she starts fidgeting with her hands ''-that was strange today.''
At first he feels relief that she didn't just ignore it like he thought she would and pretend it was never even brought up. When he gets that off of his chest, he can feel tension building up in his shoulders.
''Umm,yeah.'' He looks directly at the floor. It bothers her, yet she is grateful; if they make eye contact now, she will perish and turn to a dusty pile of discomfort.
''Should we talk about it?'' She asks unsurely. She takes a step closer and seats herself on the couch, but not to close just to be sure.
''Yeah-'' he nods lightly, eventually his head leaves his hands and he looks at her. She is burning holes in the floor just like he did moments ago so he urges her to look at him with his index finger, gently he lifts her head up in his direction.
''Hey, I just want you to know-'' he searches for the right words. Damn it, he had it all thought out in his head. There's no point in making up speeches now so he wings it and speaks the truth of how he feels ''-I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything, okay? I don't expect anything like that, that's not why we're together. You don't have to worry about me pressuring you, not until you're ready. Then you can come to me.''
She sighs quietly at his words. His eyes bore in to hers with much intended sincerity. In this moment she is sure she loves him back, especially the way he makes her feel warm both on the outside and the inside. The bare thought of her feeling this ironically head over heels in love with him makes her feel stupid, only this time her affection is enough to overcome her silliness and everything else going on inside her complicated mind. If it only were this simple. He is sincere and true to her, yet he has no idea what's really going on and it's her fault completely. She is the one who got in to this relationship with the kind of baggage that quantitatively doesn't seem like much, but qualitatively is enough to ruin everything. He is convinced she avoids taking this step with him because it would be a first for her. Guilt crawls inside of her as she thinks of a quick exit.
Coming clean isn't the way to go, it's not optional. If Dan knew that her first time was with Nate and both of them lied about it all this time, he would cross them off forever. Just then the forces of universe that seem to work in a way which sends Nate her way (even if she so much as thinks about him for a second) act out again.
Her phone starts playing the tune she knows well, it only plays when he calls and she hopes Dan doesn't remember that detail. Her eyes switch from the screen to Dan's searching eyes and she feels panic cruising through her. She tells herself to decline the call, but her hands can't move to do so. Her mind is playing against her heart again, something she wants to believe is no longer a thing. Apparently it is, in a matter of seconds she finds herself grabbing her purse and her coat. She rushes towards the door and turns around before leaving. She faces a disappointed look of someone who just tried to talk to her…and she acted undoubtedly ignorant on it. Not wanting to build up her guilt anymore, she walks back inside and presses a quick peck on his lips. She gives him a reassuring smile and tries her best to look put together.
''Thank you-'' she says and brings her hand up to his cheek ''-I'm sorry for acting like this-'' her phone still rings in her hand, urging her to hurry up ''-It's Serena-'' she lies in panic ''-this is the third time she's calling, I should really get this. We'll talk tomorrow okay? Call me later.'' She pecks him one more time and storms off.
Once more, I apologize if this change up confused any of you.
I know this chapter had barely any Nate, but he will have his POV chapters too.
I would love to hear your opinion on this, I have a lot in mind, but if you have any more ideas I'll gladly accept them. Please let me know what you think. Till next update XoL