Substitute
By: akikos-wok
Disclaimer: Square Enix owns everything, particularly the dialogue taken directly from the game. I just borrow the characters and locations for purposes of amusement and stress relief.
Warnings: Unrequited Love of the Delita/Ramza variety.
He remained totally still. It was easier to pretend you were unharmed when the damage was dealt to your heart and not to your body.
He turned. "And you? Do you not use Ovelia to fulfill your own ambitions?"
The other man did not move to face him and he was relieved for he feared his face may betray his envy.
"I cannot say," the other said finally. "I am only sure of this." Another pause. "To save her life I would gladly give my own."
Agrias lingered by the city gate at Bervenia, her mind all too quickly returning to thoughts of the woman encountered there not four days prior. The battle had been long and trying for all, but while the others found relief in victory and ample healing spells, she could not. Her ailments could not be treated by magick or potion.
Agrias was, from her perspective, the only really formidable female warrior she had ever encountered. Everyone else paled in comparison to her fervor and absolute devotion to her cause of protecting the royal family, particularly the Princess Ovelia. Oft time she had thought herself the only woman in the world who eschewed feminine wiles entirely in order to avoid the inevitable feminine weaknesses that came with them. She thought naught of herself, nor of men, nor of women or children for that matter. Her sole purpose was her cause: the princess's safety.
At least that is how she had been, prior to her decision to join forces with the declared heretic Ramza Beoulve, a decision which had initially been prompted by her singular desire to protect the princess. But now? Certainly her actions were not endangering the princess but neither were they directly aiding her. For all she knew she suffered unimaginable cruelties behind Zeltennia's fortified walls. But she did not know and worse, she did not think about it. They had just been at Zeltennia where the princess lately abided and she had made no motion to find her.
Barely a month ago she would have. But now the world was many shades of grey, and she could not longer live by her black and white principals which dictated that the princess was all good and must be protected at any cost from Duke Larg's entirely evil plots against her life. There were so many more who would kill her, or use her to gain power, Duke Goltana, her supposed protector, almost certainly being one of them. Though the princess was good, not all of those who plotted against her were all together evil, or perhaps that was to say, Agrias was uncertain of whether or not they were really evil. They were human and flawed, as dictated by nature.
This concept was very new to her, the idea that people were not simple and nor were their reasons for making the decisions they made. It was taking some getting used to and she feared she might be becoming increasingly withdrawn as she contemplated it.
The woman they had encountered here at Bervenia was Meliadoul, daughter of Lord Folmarv of the Knights Templar. She too was a knight of his order, and blindly faithful to him. She was a formidable opponent indeed, and dealt a nearly deadly blow to Mustadio, which shook Agrias far more than she would have expected. Her capacity to care for others still surprised her. But what disturbed her was not the woman's power and skill alone. It was her singular devotion to her father. She claimed to seek revenge for her brother, but it was her blind devotion to the Knights Templar that caused her to ignore Ramza's truthful claims that he was not her brother's murderer and that Isilud fell at the hands of an abomination born of the Zodiac Stones.
The church was deceiving people for personal gain and, as far as Agrias could tell, all the leaders of all the most prestigious cities and orders were either in league with them or pretty well deceived. She did not know whom to believe anymore. Once she had trusted authority, believed in her duty to the crown. Meliadoul believed in her duty to the knights and the church and she tried to kill the one person Agrias was sure she could trust.
Almost in the same instant in which she though of him, she caught glimpse of Ramza. He stood not long off, barely ten feet within the city. She thought that perhaps she'd been gone longer than she realized and he'd come searching for her when she did not follow. But he did not appear to be looking for anyone. Still she approached.
"Hello Ramza," she greeted, "have you come in search of me?"
He regarded her cordially, yet she had the feeling that he was not really looking at her. "I confess I have not," he replied. "Nor, I must admit, had I even realized you were gone."
"I stayed behind," she said. "I was ill prepared for the drinking and forced merriment that doubtless ensued upon reaching the tavern. I am not yet keen to forget what ails me."
"Nor am I," Ramza agreed.
"Ramza," Agrias said firmly, reaching out a gloved hand to grasp her companion's arm. "'Twas no fault of yours that Zalmour should meet his end. He would have used the stones for personal gain. His folly was his own undoing, you merely delivered the consequence."
Just the day before, Confessor Zalmour, the very man who had informed Ramza of his charges with heresy, tracked him down at a church in Zeltennia and attempted to arrest him. Though Zalmour was supposedly not involved in the church's plot involving the Zodiac Stones, he was unfortunate enough to be a pawn in their game and fell, regretfully, by Ramza's own hand. Another, like Meldiadoul's young brother Ser Isilud who died because the ones he trusted most were deceiving him.
"Alas, this is not what troubles me," Ramza said solemnly, taking her hand in his own and removing it from his arm.
This surprised her, for Ramza was not disposed to sullenness. Nor was she inclined to conversation, but she found herself compelled to ask, "What be it then?"
Ramza studied her for a moment. She watched his expression shift and betray him as he contemplated whether or not to answer her. He was conflicted, she was certain for, even after all he'd been through, he was still incapable of hiding his emotions. After a moment of struggle he asked, "Will you walk with me?" and she nodded her agreement.
"Delita has become a skilled swordsman," he said as he half-dragged his feet along the cobblestone.
"Yes he has," Agrias agreed, and she meant it, for she had just observed his skill when he aided them in the battle against Zalmour at Zeltennia. Somewhere along the line it seemed he managed to study and master the techniques of the Lionsguard, and indeed Agrias suspected him to be, perhaps, more skilled even than she.
"His strength grows each time I see him," Ramza said, something like regret creeping into his tone. "I see him so seldom."
"Perhaps that is why you perceive his growth in skill to be so great," Agrias suggested.
"Perhaps," Ramza agreed.
"I am sure he thinks the same of you," Agrias offered.
"I know not," Ramza said and they walked on in silence, Agrias turning over in her head every idea she had about where this conversation might be going in hopes of offering some sort of solace to her uncharacteristically morose comrade.
"You saw Delita in the church, did you not? Prior to Zalmour's assault?"
"I did," Ramza replied.
"Is that not what you wanted?" Agrias asked. "Did you not desire to see him? To speak to him?"
"I did desire it," Ramza said, "and I did speak with him."
"Said he something to upset you?" Agrias asked, that being the only explanation she could find for Ramza's melancholy. She began to think she should have observed him more carefully after each of his encounters with Delita, but only recently had she taken to really noticing changes in people's demeanor.
Ramza ceased walking and finding herself a few steps beyond him now, Agrias turned about to face him. He needn't answer for his sudden reaction spoke volumes.
"I do not wish to coerce something out of you that you wish not to tell Ramza," she said firmly, for she was not one to pry into the affairs of others. But, while she had never been a great conversationalist, she had often been the ears to Ovelia's confessions and had tried her best to formulate consoling responses. "If you wish to speak then I shall listen and offer the best comfort that it is within my power to give."
"Forgive me," Ramza said. "I do wish to tell." He walked on and once again they walked in stride with each other, side by side. "I had thought to speak at length with Delita. I do not know what I wished to learn from him, for I never believed he may have any information about the whereabouts of my sister. Perchance he may have known something about Folmarv-"
"And did he?" Agrias interjected.
"I did not ask him," Ramza replied.
"I must confess, I did wonder what you hoped to accomplish in meeting with Delita," Agrias admitted. "I've little trust of him myself, though in an unusual way he did keep the princess from harm. For that I suppose I am grateful."
"Indeed," Ramza stated simply then added, "I am certain the princess's safety is among his highest priorities."
"Said he so?"
"Yes," Ramza replied and tone sounded suddenly pained.
"I do not understand," Agrias declared. "Why should this trouble you? Do you not wish the princess well? You fought so hard rescue her when-"
"'Tis not that."
"Then what?" she insisted, trying to keep her tone gentle, but she felt like she was back to fighting to get him to speak what was on his mind. "Perchance you are not so steadfast in your certainty. You believe Delita's claims of loyalty to the princess false?"
"No," he said. They'd walked beyond the city market now and had come to a clearing filled primarily by a field of grazing chocobos. "Will you sit?" Ramza asked, indicating the ground by the fence enclosing the pasture.
"Uh…yes," Agrias agreed, taken aback and she clamored awkwardly to the ground, impeded by her armor.
Ramza sat beside her, knees raised, arms wrapped loosely about them. "Agrias," he said finally, "have you ever loved anyone?"
"What?" she asked, certain she had misunderstood the question.
"Forgive my plainness, but you said you were willing to listen," Ramza said, laughing quietly at her ostensible shock.
"I, uh, I'm not certain," Agrias stammered and wondered if she was blushing, though truthfully she'd nothing to blush about, for until a few months ago she never saw men as anything but friend or foe. And friend had really meant ally, and implied no personal relationship.
"I do not mean romantically," he clarified. "I bear a great love for my sister. Truthfully it is her I would have this conversation with were she not…well, I do not know where."
"Well the princess I suppose," Agrias said, though even as she did she realized the love she bore the princess was mostly sympathy. Love would have kept her chained to Ovelia's destiny and she would not be here, leaning against the posts of a chocobo pasture hearing the confessions of a heretic.
"Yes, I suppose you are right," Ramza agreed. "You were so faithful to her plight."
"But I do not understand," Agrias protested. "What has any of this to do with your meeting with Delita?" Almost immediately, she guessed an answer. "Does Delita claim to be in love with the princess?"
"I believe it so," Ramza said softly, his eyes focusing on something far off. Or perhaps not focusing at all. "He said our goals were the same, yet refused to join in our endeavor against the church because he could not leave her."
"Ramza, surely you not truly believe there is truth in Delita's words?" Agrias asked gravely.
"Why should I not?" he replied, now finally looking directly at her.
"Because he is not be trusted!" Agrias cried. Surprised by her own fervor, she lowered her voice and said, "It is not only he. It is everyone. Everyone involved in this convoluted war is dictated by some selfish ulterior motive. And those who are not are blinded and used by those who are."
Another moment of silence then Ramza asked, "Do you speak of Meliadoul?"
"Very perceptive, ser," Agrias remarked. Apparently for all that his emotions were only too ostensible, Ramza was adept at reading the more subtle emotions of others.
"You have been much altered since we encountered her," Ramza stated.
"I thought we spoke of your troubles, Ramza, not of mine," she delfected. She had made progress in terms of acknowledging her feelings to herself, but opening up and sharing them with others was another thing entirely. Even confiding in the still disarmingly innocent Ramza was beyond her.
"We do," he agreed.
"So what is it then?" she pressed on questioning. "Have you developed a liking for the princess?" It was not the most outlandish of suggestions. After all, Ovelia was quite beautiful and, despite her underlying sadness, a bright and amiable person. She had been friends with Ramza's sister growing up, so his affection could easily have bloomed from seeds of familiarity. He had been persistent in his pursuit of her when they'd thought her life in danger and he'd also been very keen to go to Zeltennia where, it was common knowledge, she had recently been instated as queen. Perhaps it was a love for her that had driven him there and through Delita he'd hoped to meet with her.
"Ovelia is a fine young woman," he said, his voice the most monotone that Agrias had ever heard it. She knew then that her guess about him being in love with the princess could not be further from the truth. There was a sourness to his voice. Jealousy? Did Ramza envy the possible romance between Ovelia and Delita because he desired something similar?
His voice is salted so. Could it be? But that is foolishness, is it not? Perchance it isn't. This coldness…does he fancy himself in love with me and reacts with callousness for fear that I shall remain forever ignorant?
She hated to think it, for her affections towards the youngest Beoulve son were strong indeed, though strictly platonic, but she had to ask. "You do not mean to say that, you wish for a bond, like Delita may share with her highness with another…say someone quite close to you, but not romantically so. Me…for instance?"
Ramza laughed and Agrias was relieved. Not only was Ramza not in love with her, but furthermore he did not misinterpret her no doubt awkward question as to whether or not he might care for he to be a confession of her own her own affections for him.
"No, no," he managed through his laughter. "I do not confess my envy in hopes that you might be made aware of my hidden desire for you." He then smiled softly and very sincerely said, "Thank you Agrias. You've made me laugh." He stood as if to go.
"But Ramza," Agrias cried, also rising to her feet, "you've not yet really told me what it is that ails you!"
"'I have," Ramza objected. "At least, were you Alma, you would have known it long ago. But I see your powers of perception are not so keen as hers, so I shall say it plain." He turned to her, his face serious again, but no longer sullen. "You were right in presuming my jealousy, but 'tis on the wrong person's account that you believe me jealous."
She could not hide her confusion. "What?"
He lowered his head, turning his gaze away from her. "I am not jealous of Delita."
"Yes this I understand," Agrias said, nodding vehemently. "But on who's behalf are you jealous then?"
"Is it not obvious?"
And as soon as he asked it, it was. Agrias had never considered herself be the most observant of people, but certainly not slow on the uptake. Today she was. How could she have missed it? He had never been pursuing the princess. She just happened to be with the one he was really pursuing. He'd had no reason to go to Zeltennia other than to, for a moment, be physically near the one he loved. And that was not Ovelia, though it was she who now sparked his jealousy for she reigned in Delita's heart.
"Ramza-" Agrias began, but could find no words. Her heart ached for him, for his unrequited love that could never even be made known. Even a man declared heretic by the church would not be so bold as to proclaim his love for another man. But she was not shocked or offended, only saddened.
And then a horrible thought occurred to her: the reason that Ramza had killed confessor Zalmour. It was not to protect himself from capture and persecution. It was to protect Delita, to prevent the church from seeing that his loyalty lay not with them. For indeed, had his loyalty really been to the church, he'd have struck Ramza dead, or at least taken him prisoner.
Delita was using Ramza, just as Lord Folmarv used his children and the High Confessor used Zalmour. And Ramza could not see it.
She had another awful notion. The princess had been used by my many, and if being in love with her served Delita's purpose, whatever that might be, Agrias guessed he would not hesitate to claim he was so. And to Ramza, if he were not so ignorant of his one time friend's affections as Ramza believed him to be.
"I know not what to say," she admitted finally.
"I did not expect you to," Ramza said. "But now you know."
"It must pain you so," she murmured, not entirely aware she had spoken.
"Yes," Ramza agreed. "More than anyone will ever or needs ever know. He is my friend and confidant, yet I can not confide in him that which we are most apt to place in the confidence of our dearest companions."
"But Ramza…" She had thought to protest, and stopped herself. She wanted to say "Delita is not your you friend and he may very well be your enemy! We do not know what his motive is, and anything he says cannot be presumed for truth!" but she knew it would be in vain. Just as Ramza had endeavored in vain to convince Meliadoul of her her father's manipulation of her, so too would she fail in her plight to convince Ramza of Delita's use of him.
"But what?" Ramza asked, breaking her from her thoughts.
"Nothing," she said gently. "We'd best be joining our lot at the tavern. Don't want them to get any false notions about you and I, what with us disappearing for a time then turning up together."
Ramza laughed again. "No, we would not."
As they walked to the tavern, side by side once again, through the winding streets of Bervenia, Agrias made a silent vow. She would protect Ramza from his blindness and never let Delita use it to harm him. The trouble was, she feared she may already be too late.
"You must think this strange," Delita said, head turning as if to look back at him. As if to, but never really looking.
Or perhaps he did look, but Ramza would not know, for he looked away.
"No," he said. "I understand only too well."
* * *
NOTES: Yeah I was feeling fangirly. It happens even to us lapsed fangirls. Especially when you have such lovely scenes as "Delita's Will". I mean I GUESS you can interpret it as Ramza is talking about Alma (which is sweet but possibly creepy) but there's essentially NO ONE else aside from, well, the obvious choice- Delita!