Albert Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Guess that makes me insane, Mello.

Every time you walked away, every time you pushed me out of your life, I hoped you'd turn back and change your mind, decide that I mattered, that I was actually enough to make you happy.

But no, you never did, I had to follow you around, look for you, and even when I did find you, you didn't seem to want me there.

I don't blame you.

You're not the first and you won't be the last person to treat me that way, as if I were nothing.

All you ever saw was your goals, you wanted to be L, you wanted to beat Near. You wanted to be the best.

You'd push me away, whenever we had exams, homework, or L wanted to have a private phone conversation with you, sometimes you wouldn't speak to me for days, too busy to exchange words with a low life like myself.

It never even bothered me, when you used me, I was just glad I could help, thinking that maybe once you got what you wanted, all this would be over. You'd stop trying so hard to get everyone's attention, you'd put a stop to your obsession with Near, with L, with winning in general.

Wistful thinking.

Only the exact opposite happened, L passed away, didn't choose a successor and your pride couldn't take it anymore.

And so you left without a word, I had to hear about your departure from Roger and the only reaction I gave him was a nod, a shrug and the sound of buttons clicking as I resumed to press them on the controller of my game. He couldn't tell that my heart stopped beating as I heard his words, he couldn't see my hands shaking as I continued to feign indifference and I was grateful for it.
It only took me a few days to leave Wammy's as well, ever the loyal puppy, I had to find the 'master' I've grown so attached to.
I love you. Did you know that?

Were you aware of that when you said you didn't need me by your side after I spent years looking for you? Did you say it purposely to hurt me, to show me that your sadistic side only grew more fierce? Or was I just another pawn being tested to see how much I could take, and my love was a just a way to do that?
Maybe the question that should be asked is why I even love you to begin with.

I didn't get my answer at that time. After a few months you'd already set a suicidal plan and I went along with it. You told me I wouldn't get hurt even though I didn't ask for it, you showed me your true self during the last minutes we spent with each other, I suppose all it took was an unexpected apology and a smile, see how much control you have over me?

That's when I got my answer.

It was all a mask. Just something to hide behind, a pitiful imitation of Near's. I was angry, furious, enraged, out of my mind.

I was relieved. You weren't that bad of a person and knowing that made everything better, somehow.

Here I am now, staring at your back as we exit the apartment, willingly walking toward our deaths and this time, the cycle is going to end. No more running and following, no more chasing, no more pushing me away. Because I can see it, the inevitable, your death, and whether I get killed by the enemy or not, I'm following you there, for the last time.

So there, even if I never get to tell you what happened when you left, even if you never hear me confess my love to you, even when we're both dead, our bodies lifeless, this piece of paper cramped and thrown away where no one will notice it, at least you already know, that I gave my all for you.

Mail.

25/01/2012