The snow glowed white on the mountain that night. Ahead, there was not a footprint to be seen.
But behind? Sheesh. That's a different story.
The Fellowship plowed on through the deep, glistening snow on Mount Caradhras, leaving a great trench in their wake.
Suddenly, Pippin had the urge to sing. He didn't know why, but...all this snow just seemed to beg for a song. So he gave in to the urge. With a bit of difficulty, he turned to Merry, who was behind him, and sang loud and clear so as to be heard above the wind, "Do you want to build a snowman?!"
Merry pretended not to hear.
"Come on, let's go and play!"
Legolas walked by and said threateningly, "Shut up, Pippin." Pippin, however, was not to be shushed so easily. He drew breath to sing the next line – and was interrupted by Legolas again.
"I hear something. A fell voice on the air!"
Gimli groaned loudly and yelled, "It's Elsa singing 'Let it Go'!" The rest of the company let forth with a loud groan as well at the mention of the song. "Why?" moaned Frodo. "Why must we be tortured with that song?" Suddenly, great clumps of snow started falling on them.
"She's trying to bring down the mountain!" Boromir exclaimed. Gandalf started yelling unintelligibly.
Suddenly and quite to the surprise of all present, a short, happy-looking snowman appeared, seemingly out of nowhere.
"Not sure if this is gonna solve the problem, but I found a staircase leading exactly where you want to go!" he called over the wind. Boromir gave vent to a sigh of relief. "Good. Let us make haste, and leave this accursed place." Samwise, however, was not to be persuaded so easily. "How do we know you aren't on HER side?" he challenged.
Olaf (for this was the snowman's name) didn't seem to hear. Gandalf shrugged, then turned to follow the disappearing form of the happy snowman. "Even if he is," he said to Sam as he passed by, "It can't be much worse than freezing to death on this mountain!"
They rounded a bend and lo and behold, there was a gleaming staircase made of ice, leading right down the mountain. Just as the snowman had said. The snowman in question was now happily sliding down the banister and yelling for the others to follow. One by one, they came to the staircase. Gandalf decided he'd better walk down, for the sake of his back. Aragorn seemed to think that sliding down the banister wasn't quite dignified enough for a Ranger of the North; thus, he elected to walk down as well. Upon reaching the top of the stairs, Legolas took one look, then yelled, "YOLO!" and slid down the banister as gracefully as only he can.
Towards the bottom of the stairs it was a bit tricky to maneuver, as the warmer temperature was not exactly conducive to keeping ice staircases frozen. But eventually, the Fellowship all made it down the mountain with only minimal injuries.
Boromir had been looking down as he negotiated the last few steps, and accidentally bumped into Gandalf. He was about to say something to express his annoyance that Gandalf hadn't moved, when he looked up and saw a shimmering wall of ice, smack dab in front of them. Gandalf touched the ice wall as the moonlight revealed the outline of an ornate door.
"Ithildin...It mirrors only starlight and moonlight." he said. There was writing above the door, but it was some form of Elvish. "It reads," Gandalf said, "The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak chocolate and enter."
"What d'you suppose that means?" asked Merry.
"Oh, it's quite simple," replied Gandalf. "If you bear chocolate, you speak the password, and the doors will open." He placed the top of his pool noodle staff in the center of the door and said, "Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen!" Nothing happened.
Several minutes passed. Merry and Pippin got bored and started throwing iceballs in the lake that happened to be nearby. As Pippin brought his arm back for another throw, Aragorn caught him. "You probably shouldn't mess with the water," he warned softly. Behind him, Legolas muttered, "It's a bit late for that, now isn't it?" but Aragorn ignored him. His eyes were riveted on the water. The ripples created from the iceball-tossing seemed to be growing. He exchanged a look with Boromir, and turned his attention back to the water.
Meanwhile, Gandalf had given up on trying out different passwords. He tossed his pool noodle staff aside and sat on a rock beside Frodo, muttering about useless spells. Frodo stood up and studied the words inscribed above the door. "It's a riddle," he said. Gandalf raised his eyebrows. "Speak chocolate, and enter. What's the Elvish word for chocolate?"
"Soicled."*
The door in the great ice wall opened. The Fellowship started forward, not noticing that something was stirring in the water behind them.
"Soon, master Elf," Gimli said to Legolas, "You will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves; roaring fires, rootbeer, fresh pizza off the pan! This, my friend, is the home of my cousin, Balin...and they call it a mine..." the Dwarf snorted. "A mine!"
"How can Dwarves have roaring fires in a mine made of ice?" Sam muttered under his breath.
They looked around. The floor was littered with broken ice crystals and stray piles of snow. There were icy cobwebs in the corners. Altogether, the place looked as though no one had lived there for a very long time.
"Are you sure this is a mine?" asked Boromir.
Just then, Frodo let out a terrific yell. Some creature from the water had been awakened and grabbed the Hobbit by the leg!
The great monster dragged the terrified Frodo back towards the water. Boromir and Aragorn charged after the ferocious retreating creature, Nerf swords drawn.
They hacked away at the creature's many tentacles, trying to free Frodo. The Watcher opened it's great mouth, preparing to toss Frodo into it.
Sam let out an infuriated roar and hurled the biggest icicle he could find into its opened mouth.
This startled the Watcher so much that it dropped Frodo into the waiting arms of Boromir. The water monster soon recovered, however, and proceeded to climb out of the lake.
The Fellowship ran for cover inside Moria. The Watcher (poor thing never was too bright), in it's haste to get inside, grabbed onto the walls for support. His weight was too great, however; thus, the great ice wall came tumbling down, effectively trapping it and preventing it from reaching the Fellowship.
"We have but one course before us now," Gandalf said, putting a battery powered lightbulb in the top of his pool noodle staff. They started forward into the cold and forbidding darkness ahead.
After trekking for a long time in silence, they came to yet another scene of icy disrepair. This time, Gimli ran ahead of the others into another smaller room. "No!" he cried. The Fellowship followed him. "Gimli?" Legolas called. "Are you...?" he stopped short as they entered the room that the Dwarf was in.
Gimli sat in the center of the room, sobbing his heart out. Empty pizza boxes and crushed rootbeer cans were scattered all around. "Moria had the best pizza," he sniffled.
Gandalf picked up an old, slightly squished pizza box. "Moria did have the finest pizza in Middle Earth," he said sadly.
A feeling of melancholy descended on the Fellowship.
Pippin accidentally stumbled into a block of ice and knocked it down a nearby hole. He cringed as a very loud booming resounded from the depths.
Gandalf glared at him. "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"
"Sorry, Gandalf," Pippin muttered.
Suddenly, they heard a howl in the distance.
"Wolves!" yelled Aragorn.
"Barricade the door!" Boromir shouted, moving to do just that.
The rest of the Fellowship quickly moved forward to help, placing boards, ice and whatever else they found up against the door.
In Legolas' case, the 'everything else' was a mere stick, which he leaned against the door as though it would actually do some good.
Gandalf snorted when he saw it. "What's this?" he asked. "Typical Elf work."** Legolas only shrugged and drew an arrow from his quiver, aiming at the door.
They could now hear more howling, snarling and growling. The wolves were just outside.
There came a loud thump! from the general vicinity of the door. The wolves were trying to break in.
It wasn't hard; the door was already mostly rotted, and even with the extra support provided by the Fellowship's attempts to strengthen it, the wolves broke through in short order.
Legolas shot arrow after arrow, killing several wolves. But there were plenty more of the creatures to replace the ones that went down.
Now many of them had managed to get inside, despite the Elf's attempts to keep them at bay. Aragorn and Boromir bravely hacked away at the attackers. But unfortunately, their Nerf swords were not designed for this kind of fight; still, they managed.
Merry and Pippin had gathered several icicles and were now throwing them at the vicious wolves.
Sam pulled out a skillet. Frodo pitied any wolf on the wrong end of that mighty (albeit improvised) weapon.
The Ring-bearer somehow got lost in the fray and no one knew exactly where he was. But of course, they were all a bit preoccupied with fighting for their lives to keep an eye on the Hobbit.
After what felt like forever, they finally defeated the last of the wolves.
There were a few moments of confusion when it seemed that Frodo was dead, but it all turned out quite nicely and they eventually were able to continue on their way.
They walked for a couple of minutes. There were strange noises coming from all around them. Legolas kept glancing around. "Do you know what that sound is?" he asked Gandalf. The Wizard just shrugged. "I'm afraid not."
Suddenly, wolves started pouring out from every direction. Thousands of them.
They were now surrounded by the canines. They instinctively gathered into a circle and held their weapons in the defensive position. But all of a sudden, the creatures turned and fled. The Fellowship was amused but somewhat unnerved at this display of cowardice shown by their would-be attackers.
Suddenly, coming from down a hallway, they saw a shimmering, silver-blue light. They could see the vague outline of some large form.
"I'll distract him!" Olaf volunteered (don't ask me where he came from.). "You guys, go!" His body followed the Fellowship as they ran. "No, not you guy!" he exclaimed in exasperation. Now just his head was left, sitting on the ice. "This just got a whole lot harder."
They ran. They ran for what seemed like a very long time. They couldn't see clearly exactly what it was that was following them. They just knew it was something very large and very mean.
They ran down several flights of stairs, then abruptly came to a spot where the ice had eroded away. They all jumped across the abyss without incident and continued on their way. After awhile, they came upon a very narrow bridge. As they had no other choice, they ran across it with Olaf bringing up the rear. He was panting from exertion. "Man, am I out of shape!" He quickly rearranged himself and started across the bridge. "Hey, guys! We totally lost Marshmallow back there!"
Just then, he heard the tromping of heavy footsteps and looked back.
"Oh, hey!" he said, catching sight of the large creature made of snow and ice. "We were just talking about you! All good things, all good things!" he quickly assured Marshmallow.
Marshmallow, however, hardly took any notice of Olaf. He almost squished the smaller snowman in his attempt to get past him and onto the bridge.
"Hey, wait!" exclaimed the little snowman, grabbing onto one of Marshmallow's enormous legs. The giant ice monster looked down at Olaf in some annoyance and tried to shake him off; but the stubborn snowman refused to let go, clinging all the tighter. "You can't go that way!" he said in a strained voice. "You...need...to...stay...here." Olaf struggled to climb up Marshmallow's leg. After much panting and huffing and puffing, he finally reached his destination: Marshmallow's shoulders. By this time the huge monster was furious with the determined little snowman. He reached up and tried to grab Olaf, but he couldn't quite manage.
Gandalf had watched the goings on with some misgivings. Olaf wasn't exactly the most competent fighter. He was better suited to singing about summer and talking about colors than fighting. Accordingly, Gandalf charged back out onto the bridge to help him.
By this time Marshmallow had nearly freed himself from Olaf's valiant -if not very successful- attempts to keep him at bay.
Gandalf now reached the struggling pair. "You shall not pass!" he yelled at Marshmallow, clashing his pool noodle and Nerf sword together.
"But I just want to get to the other side!" whined Marshmallow.
"You are much too heavy," Gandalf explained as gently as he could.
"But..." Marshmallow looked close to tears. "How can I ever get out of here if I can't cross the bridge?" The huge snow monster looked so sad that Gandalf took pity on him. "Just round that way, ol' chap," he said, pointing to another, much sturdier looking bridge. The overgrown snowman squinted in the direction that Gandalf had indicated. "But...if that's another bridge there, how come you are taking this one?" Gandalf shrugged. "It just seemed like the thing to do, I suppose."
"Um, guys?" Aragorn interrupted. "Sorry to stop your lovely chat, but we have a bigger problem." He gestured behind the trio.
Gandalf turned around. Behind them, there was a huge shadow looming on the wall.
"What...?" Gandalf began.
Whatever it was that was casting the shadow on the wall was getting closer.
"You almost set me on fire!" they heard an indignant voice yell.
"But I didn't!" was the shouted reply.
At that moment, the thing raced into view. It was a sled being pulled by a reindeer with two passengers: a blonde haired young man and an auburn haired girl.
At first the Fellowship was too startled to do anything except stare. But then they saw what was chasing the sled: More wolves.
Therefore, Aragorn led the charge back across the Bridge of Khazad-dûm.
They all quickly fell to the task at hand: doing away with those obnoxious canines once and for all.
After several minutes of intense fighting, all the wolves were either out of commission or had fled the terrible onslaught of the vengeful Fellowship.
"Whew!" said the blonde man. "Thanks for your help. My name is Kristoff."
"And I am Princess Anna, of Arendelle," said Princess Anna.
The members of the Fellowship each took turns to introduce themselves, along with the two additional snowmen.
"What is that amazing smell?" asked Gimli. He and Legolas sniffed the air and turned to each other. "Pizza!" they shouted in unison.
"Yeah, I'm actually a pizza delivery guy," said Kristoff. "I just happen to have several boxes of pizza here with me. Would you care for some?"
"Would we?!" exclaimed Gimli. "Is that even a question?"
Kristoff took down several boxes of the pizza and passed them around.
"I even have one with lembas bread crust," he told Legolas. "One small bite will fill the stomach of a grown man."
Legolas grinned delightedly. "But I am no man!" he said, gleefully, (and very ungracefully) crammed a piece of the peperoni pizza into his Elven face.
Anna, meanwhile, was rummaging around in the back of the sleigh. At last she found what she was looking for.
Gimli's eyes bugged. "Rootbeer!"
The young princess smiled and passed out cans of the soda to all those gathered.
When the Fellowship (and sundry) had finished their celebration feast, Gandalf stood.
"Thank you, friends, for sharing of your bounty with us. It is most appreciated, I'm sure." The Fellowship nodded in agreement.
"But now," continued the Wizard, "We must continue on our quest. We still have to save the rest of Middle Earth from certain destruction."
Frodo groaned. "Did you have to remind me?"
Gandalf just smiled and helped the over-stuffed Hobbit to his feet.
Kristoff shook hands with them all, going down the line. "Thank you again for helping us out with those wolves," he said.
"It was nothing, really," said Aragorn modestly. Boromir nodded agreement.
Anna curtsied and also thanked them for their assistance.
Once all the thank-yous and farewells were said, the Fellowship reluctantly turned back to cross Khazad-Dûm once more.
"Excellent meal," Pippin commented to Merry. His fellow Hobbit nodded contentedly. There was a slight pause, then Pippin said,
"What's for supper?"
The End
*There isn't an Elvish word for chocolate. I asked. What you see there is actually the Welsh word for chocolate.
**Unfortunately, this bit of genius isn't original with me. It's from behind the scenes of The Fellowship of the Ring movie. (Which is hilarious, even if it was illegally put on YouTube.)