i dont know where this came from... enjoy!

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"I'm sorry boys." With that the doctor walked away from us. Mrs. Knight dropped to her knees sobbing. She kept repeating 'My baby, not my baby.' Katie wrapped her arms around her mother, tears slowly making their way down her face. Carlos and Logan are standing on both sides of me, trying to keep their selves together. Then there's me, James, the pretty boy of the band. Even though the band had ended months ago; we still introduced ourselves as Big Time Rush. I'm standing here, in the middle of a hallway in the psych ward of our local hospital. The doctor just told all of us the absolute worst news possible. Kendall may never talk again.

"Hey Kendall, what are you doing?" I asked walking into mine and Kendall's room to find him fidgeting with his hands over and over. He'd been very distant lately. Logan blamed it depression and Carlos said it was lack of sleep. I knew they were both wrong, I just wish I knew what was wrong with our fearless leader.

"I don't know. My fingers won't stop moving. I need paper, I feel like drawing." He said without looking up at me which was unusual because that was the one thing he always did no matter what.

"Umm," I said looking around. "Okay here." I handed him and pencil and a notebook. Almost instantly his hands were like rapid fire moving every which way like weren't in sync with his brain.

"Whoa dude, calm down. You got all day to draw."

"I can't. My hands won't let me."

In a matter of half an hour he drew a devious looking eye, a bloody mouth with fangs, and some sort of lightning bolt. It was like he was possessed by Picasso or something. After a while his hands stopped moving.

"I don't know what else to draw." He muttered. He dropped his pencil on the ground, but he started playing with his hands again.

"Why don't we go down to the pool or something," I told him "You seem like you need to blow off a lot extra energy."

"Okay." He stood up and walked straight out the front door like his life depended on it.

"Dude! Slow down!" I yelled after him. He stopped and let me catch up to him. "Are you okay? You seem… different."

"I'm just having an off day; I'll be fine in the morning."

"Good, cause Gustavo would freak if-."

"Did you see that?" Kendall asked cutting me off. He had stopped dead in his tracks looking into space like he had just seen Haley's comet.

"See what?"

"Never mind." He whispered in voice so quiet I almost hadn't heard him. "Hey, James?"

"Yeah dude?"

"I think something's wrong."

That day was the first of many just like it. Not long after, Kendall was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. Our fearless leader of all people. Logan hated himself for not realizing it earlier. All the symptoms were right there in front of all of our faces. The constant playing with his hands, him seeing things that weren't there, and the unabilty to focus or hold a conversation for very long. Everything went downhill from there. There was one night in particular that never failed to escape my memory.

Kendall had been having a really bad day. After dinner I had found him in our room, crying into his pillow, which is something that never happened before he had gotten diagnosed.

"What's wrong?" I asked him I sat down on his bed. I tried to pull him into my lap, but he shrunk away from me when I touched him.

"I … don't … know." He told me. His breathing was getting shallower by the second, which I knew meant trouble.

"Do you want a hug?" I asked leaning towards him with my arms open.

"No." He said moving even further away from me. It was a side to him I had never seen before, and it was starting to scare me.

"Okay, just try to calm down." I gently rested my hand on his leg. Out of nowhere, his leg came flying towards me, hitting me square in the gut. I fell of the bed and landed on the ground with a loud thud. I could hardly breathe.

"Logan, Mrs. Knight, help! Someone!" I yelled as I loud as I could.

Almost instantly, Logan came running into the room. The panic spread widely across his face. "Grab his arms, now." He ordered headed for the blonde in the room who was still sobbing hysterically.

"He just kicked me in the stomach when I touched his leg, so be careful." I warned him. No matter how hard we tried, Kendall wouldn't hold still so we could calm him down.

"What the hell is going on?" Carlos asked from the doorway.

"Don't ask, just help." Logan commanded. "Okay, on the count of three, James you go for his legs, and me and Carlos will grab his arms. Ready? One, two … three!"

As Logan instructed, we all dove for the directed body part.

I grabbed Kendall's ankles to make sure that he didn't kick anybody else. He let out a scream like he had just been stabbed and no one was helping him. He continued to fight us, but that only made us tighten our grip.

"Mrs. Knight!" Logan yelled. She came running in and immediately headed towards Kendall. By now we had him on the ground, trying to keep him from hurting himself or anybody else that matter.

Mrs. Knight got down on her knees and wrapped her arms around her son. He finally stopped fighting everybody off and let his mother console him.

"Jamie?" Kendall croaked out in a whimper.

"What Kendall?" I asked.

"I'm sorry."

That was by far the worst of all his out bursts. Now every time he has one, that day comes to mind. 'I need to talk to him.' I tell myself.

"I'm going to go see Kendall." I say to no one in particular. With that I walked away from the depressing scene in front me and made my way towards Kendall's room. It was almost sickening that I knew my way around the hospital from being here so much. We knew that Kendall needed to be here after he smashed his guitar and broke his favorite hockey stick in one of his many angry rages. I got to Kendall's room and opened the door. He was sitting in his usual spot by the window.

"Hey Kendall." I said hoping for an answer that I knew would never come. I sat down next to him like I always did. Today was different though; there was stiffness in the air. It was all because of Kendall.

"I remember when we first found out," I told him. "You told me that it wouldn't change things, it would just make them different. I believed you at first. Then your outbursts became more frequent and more abusive, Carlos still has a black eye from your last one. Then you stopped singing, no matter how hard we tried, you refused. That's when the band broke up…" I trailed off hoping that I'd get something out of him, I was wrong again.

"When you stopped talking, I figured I'd never get you back from this demon of a disease that's claimed you. I miss you, Kendall. We all do, but especially me."

Everything was silent for a while. Until I heard two words that I will never forget.

"Hey Jamie."

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