-C.A.P.E. CHRONICLES-
~{Cross Academy Physical Education}~
- By LunaDance506 & Sasukez -
-Attention readers! The following is a fan-based parody and consists of copious amounts of crack, confused red-heads, cross-overs, evil death glares of death and destruction, various implied yaoi pairings, and over-exaggerated characterization. You have been warned. ~Smiles!~
One day, in some random, secluded forest, probably located in very British Great Britain, there was a very confused trio of argumentative and romantically challenged vampires.
"Audio diary number sixty-four: We've been trekking through an alien habitat for a whole hour. There doesn't appear to be any sign of life or hope of escape. If this keeps up, I may have to eat my comrades. Zero will be first. He's got a bit of meat on him. Kaname's to scrawny…"
"Yuki, what the hell are you doing?"
Yuki Cross (yes, from Vampire Knight) leaped to her feet and pelted the silver video recorder she'd been mumbling into off through the dense woods beyond. She laughed – very insane and scary like – and turned to face her two very much male companions. How convenient!
"I am just scoping out enemy territory," she answered, twitching disturbingly.
"What enemy?" Zero (yes, also from Vampire Knight) scoffed. "We're lost, not at war. Spaz."
"You're right," she sighed. "I was just drafting our wills for when we die in this place."
"Don't be so over-flipping-dramatic," Kaname (you guessed it, from VAMPIRE KNIGHT!) said. "Look. The school's right over there. Calm down."
The three argumentative and romantically challenged blood-sucking freakazoids all turned to the school that Kaname pointed to.
"Oh…When did that get there?" Yuki asked.
The three weirdos looked to the school, inspecting it. Yuki frowned and – unfortunately – decided to speak again.
"When did we expand? It looks…bigger."
"Really?" Zero said, attempting to size up the school himself, acting as though he were smarter than the others; he wasn't. "I think it looks smaller."
The girliest of these vampires (Kaname, of course) sighed and face-palmed.
"I think you're both idiots."
Yuki whined, clinging to Kaname's arm. (Oh damn, here comes the "romantically challenged" part.)
"Be nice, Kaname!"
The pissy prince – of course – did not respond, turning to look at Zero as though it were his fault…as usual. The albino blood-sucking freak simply face-palmed as well, shaking his head.
"Don't look at me like that. Can't we just go in and look for Headmaster Cross?"
The trio looked at each other and in the distance during their silence, a rather large crow cawed, "CA-CAWWWWW!"
Kaname and Zero screamed and clung to each other. Yuki, however, acted as though nothing had happened and dragged both girly men – by the ear – into the ominous, large (or was it small?) school. The paranoid – and possibly cannibalistic – vampires passed through tall, unfamiliar doors and wandered through hallways that seemed innocent enough – considering it was a high school. They searched for their headmaster – Yuki frequently strangling Kaname's arm.
"We're clearly just getting more lost," Zero suddenly said when he could no longer handle the minimal amount of Yukame fan service following him around. "This clearly is not Cross Academy."
"WHO DARETH SAYETH THIS!" a big scary voice thundered down upon them, making both guys scream and glomp the semi-fangirl between them (Jackpot for Yuki!).
The out of place trio had unknowingly stumbled before an office that had a big neon sign over the door that read "CROSS RULES!" The scary voice had come from within said office. The three Shojo vampires were to stricken with terror to dare investigate.
"Enter non-believers!" that suspiciously accented voice called.
Afraid that Big Scary Voice Mann would eat them if they didn't move, the three scurried into the room. Zero and Kaname – being the brave, heroic, manly men they were – shoved Yuki in first to face the danger. Nice guys. Yuki's eye twitched in frustration at how she was placed in human sacrifice mode but, faced Big Scary Voice Man regardless. Turned out, Big Scary Voice Man appeared to be an old drunk guy, lounging with his feet up on the desk in the office.
"Welcome to Cross Academy!" said Old Drunk Guy (the vampires' new name for him). "Cross Academy is a special place for special children. The bathroom drug-lords and murderous volleyballs come at no extra charge with your paid enrollment!"
Old Drunk Guy smiled and swept his arms around to add emphasis on his summary of the school they had so unfortunately strolled into. Yuki followed his rapid, drunken gestures with her eyes but, there was nothing to really see other than more neon "CROSS RULES!" signs. At this point, the other feminine blood-suckers had crept in, staring with huge eyes at their surroundings.
"Uhm…" Yuki stared, turning back to face Old Drunk Guy. "You're not Headmaster Cross…" (Obviously not Sherlock!)
Old Drunk Guy's hazy eyes blazed and he slammed his hands down onto the desk.
"IT'S GENERAL!" he corrected, rather loudly, not even caring as an innocent mug of coffee crashed to the ground. "GENERAL CROSS!"
Yuki looked behind herself for her blood-sucking comrades/love triangle buddies but, found they were cowering in a corner, clinging to each other…again…Hm. Real manly men, these were. Yuki anime-veined angrily and spoke again.
"Why 'general?' This isn't a battlefield."
'General' Cross's face went dead serious and he stared hard at the three unfortunate cross-overs.
"Clearly you've never been to high school mate," he said, sounding like someone Yuki recognized but…couldn't quite place.
Wait…drunk…"mate"…gestures…Holy crap he was a pirate! Aha no. Yuki rolled her eyes, huffing and crossing her arms over her chest. (What chest? Oh!)
"Is this Cross Academy? You know, like in Vampire Knight?"
"HELL NO!" the man thundered, leaping on top of his desk and towering over the three.
The room burned with a fiery intensity as if saying the word had raised the flames of Hell out of the ground. Zero and Kaname continued to cower and Yuki was tempted to join them but, someone had to have some balls in this situation – they clearly had none. Pfft, men.
"Vampires are PROHIBITED! They are NEVAH EVAH allowed in here!" General Cross (huh, he had a name now!) went on, waving his hands in epic gesturing fashion.
"Uh…Why?" Yuki dared to ask, squealing in terror as he bent down and got in her face, drunken eyes ablaze with fire.
"Because Cross's word is law!" he boomed, making the room shake.
That was enough to totally kill Yuki's courage. She scuttled to the corner in between the two boys (no reason she couldn't enjoy her moment of terror).
"The closest thing we ever had and ever will have to a vampire here is him!"
Big Scary Voice Man AKA Old Drunk Guy AKA General Cross pointed into a corner of the office. On impulse – it had to be since all they wanted to do was run like hell and screw whatever was in the corner – the vampires followed the psychopath's wavering finger and found…nothing. There was nothing but another "Cross Rules" sign there. The three vampires looked at the general in confusion.
"Ahem," a deep, way-to-manly-for-his-feminine-body voice said from the other side of the office. "Closest-thing-you'll-ever-have-to-a-vampire boy is over her genius."
General Cross redirected his gesturing to the other corner – briefly getting knotted in his own arms – before his arm ended up pointing where he wanted. (Mind you, his face remained totally serious throughout his flailing arm episode, like he wasn't totally buzzed up on something. Silly Cross! He thinks he can fake being sober!) Anyway! Terrified out of their wits, the weak-bladdered vampires turned to the other corner and there they found…Chuck Norris! Oh wait. It was just Kanda.
He didn't look all that scary. In fact, Yuki saw, after a few daring peeks, that he was rather pretty. He had long, dark hair pulled into a ponytail with, straight, thick bangs. Hell, if it weren't for the vicious death glare – wait! 'Vicious death glare?' At any rate, our weak-minded vampires didn't seem intimidated. Big mistake dudes.
"He doesn't look so tough," Zero declared, meeting Emo Corner Boy's (another nickname for this kid. Woo nicknames!) dark eyes.
Merely a split second passed and the albino cream puff shivered, returning to his corner with an uncontrollable twitch.
"You're a wimp," the ever-girly Kaname snorted, stepping out of the vampire corner to glare at Kanda.
Another split second passed, and Kaname was shivering in the corner, clinging to the other victim of the death glare of death and destruction. Random snow flurried down on them.
"Kanda!" General Cross scolded, shooting a glare at the Asian in question. "What have I told you about terrorizing the undead?"
"Che," was Kanda's only response, and he smirked victoriously at the sight of the three cowering, snowed-on vampires.
"Anyway!" the questionably sane headmaster continued, evilly. "Vampires! Are! Prohibited!"
"But why?" Yuki asked, stupidly, shrinking away from Cross (and Kanda) on instinct.
"SILENCE!" the drunken man thundered again. "CROSS'S WORD IS LAW!"
"Meep!"
With a squeak, the girliest person in the room (Yuki) scurried back to where she was relatively safe between Kaname and Zero.
At this point in time, a happily confused red-head fell from the ceiling.
"YUUUUUUUU-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
He dive-bombed into the terrifying emo kid in the corner with glee, landing directly into said emo kid's lap. (You're welcome fangirls!) Smiling stupidly, the red-head glomped the emo kid with a flourish of bubbling anime hearts, sparkles, and stars. As you can imagine, this didn't blow over to well with the black-haired boy.
"Off. Now," came the devilish demand, a deathly cold black aura emanating from his person as he glared at the newcomer.
The red-head seemed unfazed by the evil death glare of mass destruction – unlike the unfortunate vampires in the corner of what appeared to be mini-Antarctica. Regardless of his courage, the boy unwound himself from around Kanda and put some distance between them – so he must have been at least somewhat afraid for his life. Upon exiting Kanda's lap (wow that so didn't sound suggestive) the unsuspecting red-head backed right into a slap to the back of the head. (GibbsslapNCISwhaaaaaat!)
"Lavi!" Cross bellowed. "How many times have I told you to stay the hell out of my office? What are you doing here now? GASPS! You're after my cyborg jelly machine!"
"Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa," Zero suddenly interjected (cue record scratching). "Whoa. Cyborg jelly machine?"
Opening his mouth again probably wasn't the most intelligent of decisions on Zero's part, considering his status in the present situation. Cross sent the unwelcome vampire a murderous glare that made Zero want to kill himself rather than suffer whatever fate the headmast-I mean General! – had planned for him. Whatever it was, none of the three vampires wanted to find out. The flames of Hell blazed up again and Cross leaped upon his desk – again – looking about OVER 9,000! times bigger than he truly was. (What! 9,000!)
"My cyborg jelly machine is none of your business sparkling scum!" he roared, just as Lavi spoke up.
"Undead new kids?" he wondered, green eye going wide with fascination.
They fell on Yuki who – unfortunately – was the only woman in the room... (Lucky bitch! We'd give anything to be the only woman in a room where Kanda and Lavi are concerned!)
"No new kids!" the General insisted, grabbing both Zero and Kaname by their collars.
Both vampires 'meeped' and flinched, fearing for their immortal lives.
"Y'all, its time to take out the trash!" Cross announced, with a Western accent, and within moments, he was in a football uniform (much to the resident students' confusion).
Cross drop-kicked Zero out the door and in another second, he was dressed in a golf outfit (complete with sweater vest and beret).
"Fore!" he shouted, driving Kaname out the door with one powerful swing.
That left Yuki, cowering and shivering in mini-Antarctica (or was it Alaska?). How would she meet her fate? Baseball? Volleyball? No such luck. Cross picked her up by her collar and easily hefted her out the door and into the dumpsters behind the school, making sure there was plenty of garbage to keep her company. Just as Cross stepped out the door, a thin, white-haired boy walked in, dusting off his pants – that just happened to have prints of poker playing cards on them. He took one look at Cross and his victim as he passed and sighed.
"Did somebody's husband come home early or something?" he asked his remaining peers.
This conclusion wouldn't be that odd, considering it was Cross and he was leaving a woman in the dumpster out back…
"Nah," Lavi reassured the newcomer, waving his hand. "We're just stalking the undead."
A few seconds passed where Allen Walker just stared at the red-head like he was on something (which was more than likely). Lavi took this time to glomp his favorite little emo kid once again.
"The next time I tell you to GET THE HELL OFF OF ME, I'm taking your arms off!" Kanda fumed, breathing fire at the red-head he was so pissed – obviously driving Lavi a good distance away (next to AllenWhoo!). "And there is no we in stalking the undead. If anyone's going to be stalking, its me and I stalk alone."
"Awww," Lavi whined, a boombox materializing on his shoulder, the "Ghostbusters" theme song dying out in disappointment. "But, I'm so prepared!"
While Kanda glared at the stupid rabbit, Allen took this opportunity to try and scare the emo kid (it was a life long dream of his). Lavi noticed how the British boy slunk around the various neon signs and couldn't decide what theme song would be better for this situation from his newly adored boombox: "Jaws" or "Mission Impossible?" It really didn't matter though. Trying to scare Yuu Kanda was like trying not to stare at a purple polka-dotted dinosaur walking down the street. It just couldn't be done. The emo in the corner whirled around and snapped his teeth at Allen's hand, making said white-haired boy squeak and jump back.
"Bloody hell Kanda! What if you really were a vampire? I could be dead or sparkly right now!" (The thought of being sparkly was more terrifying to him than being dead.)
With an epic whoosh, Cross re-entered the room, doors flying open and cape billowing behind him. Smirking mischievously, Lavi switched his music machine back to "Ghostbusters," making Cross's dramatic return fifteen times more comical.
"NOOOOOO!" he roared, the three residents of the school remaining totally unfazed by his loud antics – unlike the three bumbling Shojo vampires who had recently been kicked out. "I tried to prevent this from happening! This school was never supposed to be remotely drawn into the vampire cult! Well…nice knowing you Kanda."
The Japanese boy twitched in fury as the general suddenly picked him up out of his emo corner and tossed him over his shoulder like an emo sack of potatoes.
"But, unfortunately its time to take out the trash," the still insanely drunk general said in a suspiciously "Terminator" –like accent.
As Cross took Kanda out, the single most sexy fan-service character in the series made her first appearance in this crack fic…Miranda! No. Lenalee waltzed in. WOO…enthusiasm. Said Chinese girl let out a loud squeal (you know it's bad if Lavi flinches) and waved so quickly her hand was a blur.
"Hi Kanda!"
This only served to irritate Kanda and he pointed at her, glaring from his position slung over Cross's shoulder.
"You!" he growled, left eye twitching. "Just…go away!"
"But…But…" Lenalee whimpered, making her eyes go all wide and pitiful like.
Kanda 'che'd again, death glaring at her with all the intensity of a wet cat. Scary.
"No!" he cut her off, putting a hand up to silence her like a mafia boss.
Cross proceeded to carry the pissy cat boy to his Vampire Dumpster out back.
"I thought he was Japanese," Lenalee mused, looking thoughtful. "Not Italian."
In the distance, she swore she could see Kanda flipping her the finger. At any rate, the fangirl-in-training, headed through the door to the neon-littered office. Inside, she found Cross with is feet on his desk, leaning back like a total pimp. This sent Lenalee into an arm-flailing episode of her own. Her face was entirely and utterly confused.
"Waitwaitwaitwaitwait!" she blurted. "Weren't you just taking out –"
Back in Cross's Demonic Dumpster of Doom: Kanda sat, brooding, a banana peel unceremoniously stuck in his hair. Yuki scooted closer, attempting to be friendly. She was met with an angry, cat-like hiss, and she shivered, returning to her corner of the suddenly Antarctic dumpster.
"How did you get back so fast?" the half-and-half fangirl asked Cross back in the office (the old drunk never ceased to amaze her).
"I'm General Flipping Cross," he said, nodding in approval as Allen and Lavi bowed before him.
"Hail Cross!"
Lenalee blinked and then suddenly remembered she was surrounded by idiots. There was nothing to be awed about. She shook her head in distaste before turning to her peers.
"What are you in for?" she sighed.
"Stalking Yuu," Lavi said, proudly.
From afar in Cross's Demonic Vampire Dumpster of Doom, a pissy "STUPID RABBIT!" was heard. Lavi grinned, victoriously.
"What was Kanda in for? Or do I want to know?"
"You don't," Cross said, a darkness folding over his face that made Lenalee shudder.
"Allen?" she inquired. "The usual?"
"Yupe. Best cafeteria poker riot I ever started," Allen said and Lavi played a round of applause on his boombox.
Cross started sniffling, dabbing at his eyes with a randomly obtained handkerchief.
"Allen…I've never been more proud of you! My little prodigy!" he wailed, voice swelling in pride.
Allen and Lenalee twitched at their school leader's obvious lack of good influence. Lavi just danced to his new favorite song ("Ghostbusters" theme) in the corner.
"Cross, you're the worst principal in the world," the British boy sighed in dismay.
Cross's pride in his favorite student quickly diminished and his drunken temper quickly flared up again. (God help you if you insulted the General's position.)
"DEEEETENNNNTIOOOON!" he howled, pointing an epic and accusing finger at the boy.
"Owwww!" Lavi whined covering his ears from the loud shouting.
Lenalee twitched convulsively, pretty sure that something in her eardrum had been damaged. Allen had hardly flinched, as though completely used to his display (which he was, unfortunately). The British boy grinned, snapping off a salute like a military cadet.
"Yes, sir!" he chirped, marching off while Lavi played triumphant music on his most beloved boombox.
This left Lavi and Lenalee. The red-head shut his triumphant music off and looked at her.
"So Lena…" he began, wrinkling his nose in thought. "Why are you here?"
There was a moment of silence in which Lenalee sweat-dropped in embarrassment.
"My brother," she sighed.
In the gymnasium, freshmen of all shapes and sizes were screaming in absolute, abject terror. Towering above them all was a throne of volleyballs and Komui Lee, pelting the balls at them all. He laughed maniacally, twitching as though he'd had way too much of his precious coffee…which he definitely had.
Next time in the C.A.P.E. Chronicles!: What will Komui have in store for our trio of DGM characters? Why in hell were the anti-sparkle vampires wandering around Cross Academy anyway? Is Kanda really a vampire? And will Lenalee ever perfect the fangirl squeal? Find out in the next totally cracked out chapter of the C.A.P.E. Chronicles (reviews required for viewing.)