There were flames all around him. Women and children were screaming as their houses and all of their worldly possessions burned to ashes in front of their eyes. Bodies lying all over the place, the sickening smell of blood and burnt flesh ripping his noses, watering his eyes. With a scream he opened his eyes and stared breathless at the ceiling, gasping for air. He felt his hands clutching the sheets and mattress of his bed, a wet pool of sweat between his back and the mattress. Slowly sitting up, he buried his face in his right hand, breathing heavily still. He sat like this for perhaps two minutes before throwing away his sheet and getting out of bed. Not really knowing why, he walked unsteadily over to the phone and picked it up almost instinctively, dialling the first number that came to mind.
«Hello?» answered a groggy voice after a few moments.
The sound of this voice liftet the heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach a little bit, but he was still unable to do anything but pant wearily into the receiver.
«Who is this?» demanded the voice more sharply.
«Riza...» he finally muttered.
«Colonel!» Riza exclaimed in a startled voice. «What's wrong? You sound awful!»
«I...» Roy began, but paused for a moment before continuing. «I had a nightmare,» he finally finished, suddenly realising he felt utterly pathetic about saying something like that to one of his subordinates.
«A nightmare, sir?» Riza said, sounding alarmed. «What sort of nightmare? Are you alright?»
«I... was back in Ishval... Houses were burning, children were screaming and...» his voice trailed away as his eyes watered with tears. He hastily wiped them with the sleeve of his pyjamas.
None of them said anything for a moment as the Colonel collected himself again.
«I see...» said Riza finally, her voice almost inaudible. She had been there too, in Ishval, at the time of the war. And she, like the colonel, had been haunted by nightmares of the terrible things all the soldiers witnessed there.
«I'm sorry,» Roy suddenly said. «I shouldn't have called you at a time like this, I don't know what I was thinking, or in fact whether I was thinking at all. Good night.»
And the line was dead before Riza could say another word.
The Colonel had banged the receiver violently onto the telephone and was clutching its handle, staring at his feet. He stood like this for a several moments before he turned around and started walking back to his bed, the horrible feeling growing even stronger in his chest. However, a few seconds later, the phone rang, and it was his turn to be startled. He picked up the receiver again without saying anything.
«Don't be sorry,» Riza's voice said after a moment of silence. «We all experienced horrible things in that war, having nightmares is nothing to be ashamed of. I have them too, from time to time.»
«I just don't know how much more I can take of this.» His voice was on the verge of bursting. «Death might soon seem more peaceful.»
«Please Colonel, don't say things like that!» Riza cried desperately. «I will not allow it!»
«... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.»
«Colonel...» Riza's voice whispered sadly.
There was a pause, before the silence was again interrupted by Riza's voice, «Sir, I'm coming over.»
«You're- huh? What? You're coming here?» the Colonel asked, startled and a little confused.
«Yes, I am,» she said, and promptly hung up the phone.
«Hey, wait!» Roy yelled, but it was already too late; she could no longer hear him.
Having Riza Hawkeye witness him in such a state was too humiliating to even think about. He cursed himself for calling her. Walking back to bed, he hoped dearly to have fallen asleep by the time she would arrive.
But sadly, no such luck was on his side. A mere 10 minutes later, his doorbell was ringing. He tried to ignore it, but the ringing intensified every five seconds or so, and eventuelly he was unable to shut it out. Throwing his sheet to the floor again, he irritably got up and walked hurriedly over to the entrance hall and opened the door, finding the blonde young woman standing at his doorstep. She looked slightly out of breath and her cheeks had reddened a bit because of the cold winter temperature outside. She was wearing a determined yet mild expression as she stepped in without being asked to. Halfway on her way to the livingroom, she stopped and turned around to face her superior.
«Sir,» she said in a stern voice, «you need to have a good cry about this.»
«I- what?»
«You haven't had a good cry about it yet, have you, Colonel?»
«Well, I... maybe not, but...»
«Then it's high time you did,» Riza said, and the expression in her eyes softened.
The Lieutenant placed her handbag on the hallway floor and hung her coat on the hall stand before walking into the livingroom. Sitting down on the couch, she signalled for the Colonel to do the same. Embarrassed and a bit confused, he hesitated, but seeing the threatening look Riza was giving him, he eventually gave in and moved over to sit next to her.
«Now,» she said in a startingly business-like voice, «tell me about your dreams. What do you see?»
She reminded him all too much of the psychologist he had been seeing for the last couple of years and the Colonel felt very reluctant to answer. He felt utterly degraded by the whole situation and wished most of all for a hole to reveal itself on his floor so that he could jump into it never to be seen again. But now Riza was giving him that look of obey-and-I-might-spare-your-life again and he felt he had to say something in order for her not to shoot him at point-blank.
«It involves a lot of flames. And screaming people,» he said testingly.
«And why are these people screaming? Where do the flames come from?» Riza asked, a studying look in her eyes, as if looking for signs of emotion related to the subject.
«You know why they're screaming, Hawkeye,» Roy said, deliberately giving away as few details as possible.
«I forgot. Remind me again, if you please, sir,» she said stubbornly, determined to wring out of him as much detail and emotion as possible.
Roy gave her a look of resentment, but finally answered, closing his eyes, «they're screaming because their houses are being burned down and their friends and family are being slaughtered by the Amestrian army.»
Visions from the dream, the same he had been dreaming every now and then for the last few years, flashed past in his mind and he hurriedly opened his eyes again, suppressing an urge to scream. Riza had evidently caught on to this swift change of emotion she had been able to bring out, as well as his attempt at suppressing it, because she instantly said, «It's okay Colonel, emotions are meant to be let out.» She placed an arm that was probably meant to be comforting around his shoulders, but it just made him feel even more miserable.
Roy was weighing his options. He felt an intense repugnance against falling apart crying into the Lieutenant's shoulder, yet he found it, quite in spite of himself, very tempting. He also considered trying to throw her out of his apartment, but that would require a huge amout of effort, more effort than he felt like putting into anything at the moment, because when Riza had decided to do something, she was not going to change her mind just like that. But before Roy had been able to sort out his dilemma, Riza spoke.
«One of the worst things about that war, in my opinion, was how it started. I mean, an Amestrian soldier shooting an innocent child! I truly wonder what was going on in the guy's mind.»
Images of the scene flashed through Roy's mind. Though he had had nothing to do with that particular event, he felt a guilty twinge in his chest.
«It could so easily have been avoided, you know. Such an unnecessary thing to do.»
The guilt was growing like a bubble and his stomach took a painful turn.
«The Ishvalans are such good people, none of them deserved to die like that. They didn't deserve seeing their loved ones dying in such a horrible and unnecessary way. Someone should have done something, someone should have-»
«Enough!» Roy yelled. «Enough already... I get it, I'm a lousy person for agreeing to something like that. I'm a lousy person for not doing or saying anything. I should've just...»
Roy felt tears pressing on behind his eyes, but refused to let them out. He was not about to cry in front of the Lieutenant. He buried his face in his hands, rubbing his temples, trying not to think about anything. Riza placed her hand on his two and gently pulled them away from his face. Roy let her do it, but did not look at her face, though he could tell from the corner of his eye that she was sending him a gentle smile.
When she spoke, her voice was soft, «Please try to throw away that useless pride of yours, Roy.»
She had not called him by his first name in a very long time and it caught him a bit off guard.
Riza bent down and tried to look him in the eyes, but he still refused. «I have been through the same hell as you have. Don't try to make yourself out to be the only one suffering from this. And please get rid of that ridiculous idea you have about showing emotion being something shameful.»
Roy pressed his eyelids shut, frowning with restraint as he tried to control his emotions. But finally, he felt a tear running down his cheek. And another one. He kept his eyes shut, but let the tears flow, deciding all dignity was gone anyway, with the first physical sign of emotional imbalance. Gritting his teeth together, a sob escaped his lips and he cursed himself for falling apart like this. Riza used the hand that was not placed around the Colonel's shoulders and gently pulled his head against her shoulder. Not caring anymore, Roy let her do it. He was really crying now, shaking with each sob, his tears wetting Riza's blouse. She said nothing more, patiently waiting for him to finish. In the end, they both fell asleep together on the couch, waking again only when Roy's alarm clock started ringing the morning after.
The Colonel slowly opened his eyes. He tried to raise his head, but found it difficult for the weight of Riza's head resting on it. Then suddenly, last night's events came rushing back to him. He jumped to his feet, feeling his face flushing with embarrassment. With the sudden absence of something to support her, Riza fell sideways in the couch. She stirred and groaned, and with a push of her hand, she sat up, rubbing her eyes.
«What's that infernal ringing sound?» she asked groggily and peered around the room.
In spite of the heavy sound it was making, Roy had momentarily forgotten about the alarm clock. He now sprinted over to the table by his bed and turned it hastily off. Leaning with both his hands onto the small table, he examined the wall in front of him, as if there was something extremely interesting written on it. He would do anything to avoid Riza's eyes after an event such as the one that had happened last night. Then he suddenly heard Riza screaming as if in pain and he instantly turned around, forgetting his embarrassment.
«What's wrong?» he yelled as he looked at her.
«It's already 9, I should be at work!» she exclaimed with a worried expression.
Roy sank down onto his bed. «Oh, was that all...» he mumbled.
«But it's a catastrophe – I'm never late!» she cried desperately and jumped up from the couch. «Why was you alarm clock set this late anyway?»
«Because today is the one day of the week when I don't have to be at work until 10:30,» Roy answered wearily.
«Oh,» Riza said, straightening her shirt and taking a look at her hair in the mirror hanging on the wall. «Well, lucky you,» she added, sounding a tad bitter.
Roy said nothing, merely fidgeted a bit, feeling thoroughly awkward.
«You wouldn't happen to have some coffee for me, would you, Colonel? I guess no one can complain at me for being late, seeing as I'm together with you.» Riza said, apparently completely unaffected by the situation. «A bit of breakfast would be nice too.»
«I, uh... I have some tea. And I could, I could make a sandwhich for you if you'd like?» Roy answered clumsily.
«That would be great! Thank you, sir,» she smiled at him in reply. He tried to smile back, but ended up simply grimacing sheepishly at her.
About an hour later, they were both in the hallway, preparing to head off to the headquarters.
«You won't... mention last night's, um, events to anyone, will you?» Roy asked from below Riza as he was tying his shoelaces.
«What events?» Riza asked, sounding oblivious.
Roy looked up at her. She smiled knowingly down at him, knotting her scarf.
«Shall we be going then?» Roy asked as he stood up again.
«Let's go, sir!» Riza said brightly.