A Familiar Feeling

Have you ever thought how it would be like.. if you forgot who you are..? ...Amnesia. That's what the doctors said when I opened my eyes. I saw some sad unknown faces around me... They were all filled with panic. Some of them were even filled with tears... But I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I didn't know what I was supposed to say to those 'strangers' who had lived by my side for all this time. Why couldn't I recognize any of them? Their faces... their moves... they all seemed so unfamiliar...

The first day I opened my eyes, which made me feel like I had just been born.. But it seems like I was 15 years old, and I had been in a terrible car accident, that made me lose my memory.

I looked around the white room and the people who were in it. Next to me, on the left, there was a woman who was crying. She seemed like she had lost a person she loved... I really felt sorry for her. Across the room, there were two girls who were also crying and next to them there was a boy with bandages on him who looked like he was trying to comfort them. Some seats away there was this tall boy who was wearing a shirt with a number, that was like the ones baseball players wear. He was looking on the floor and he looked rather grieved .

Inside this full, yet empty room everyone seemed so depressed. Their gloomy eyes were either staring at me or looking down,trying to hide their feelings; and all I wanted to do was to just run away from these strangers...

Finally, after 5 minutes of deadly silence, the woman on my left wiped her tears and talked to me.

"Tsu-kun... We.. We'll be heading home now, okay..?"

She was avoiding looking into my eyes.

"H..hai..."

I replied, without knowing who this woman was. She took her bag, stood up and everyone else followed her steps. As they were leaving they were all looking at me, as if I was a dead body... They really made me feel so unwanted.

The last words of the woman as she was leaving the room were these:

"Gokudera-kun will probably come back later."

I didn't reply. I had no idea who Gokudera was supposed to be or how he looked like.

So, there I was, lost and alone, staring at the empty room. I wanted so much to go outside and look at the sky but the people with the white robes prohibited me from leaving the bed. They said I shouldn't make any moves for the time being. So,all I could do was just wait...

Five hours had passed since the gloomy faces had left from this room. All this time I was just twisting around on the bed, trying to get some sleep, since there was nothing else I could do, but I was far away from falling asleep. In fact, I was feeling *so* energetic I wanted to start dancing even without music on. The doctors had said that the drugs would have some effects on me, but this... this was too much.

After one more hour of struggling, I heard footsteps outside of the room. I remained silent, waiting for the person to enter inside and it seems like it took him some minutes to finally decide to come in. The door opened and I saw a familiar silver haired boy.. He got in, closed the door and then sat next to my bed without saying any words. He was holding an envelope that was kinda soaked and was looking down throughout the whole process.

"A..are you Gokudera-kun..?"

I asked him, but he didn't seem willing to answer my question. After 10 seconds he nodded his head affirmatively. He was still looking on the floor, something that made me feel a bit insecure but on the same point made me feel a bit eager of getting to know him.

"My name is... Tsu-kun.. as it looks like... Nice to meet you."

I introduced myself the best way I could. He didn't bother to look into my eyes though.

"..I... I already know you.. Jyuudaime... I... It was..."

He suddenly stopped talking and looked into my eyes. Such an extraordinary feeling that was. His teary emerald eyes looked through me,and made me feel so vulnerable... yet so safe.

He was staring into my eyes for such a little time, but it felt so long. He looked like he was about to say something, but no words came out his mouth. It was like he was talking through his thoughts, directly into my mind.

But what did he mean by 'Jyuudaime'? I couldn't resist from asking. Everything felt new to me anyway...

"Ehm.. Gokudera-kun, what do you mean by 'Jyuudaime'? Is this my nickname?"

He looked really surprised when I asked him that question.

"Wh.. What's the last thing Jyuudaime remembers..?"

"Last thing..? Uuhm..."

I tried my hardest to remember anything. Even the slightest memory would help me a lot at that moment. But I failed. I couldn't reply to his answer. Who knows what kind of friendship me and him had had. Who knows how much it could be hurting him the fact that I didn't remember anything. How harsh can it be, if you had your beloved person, forget everything about you... about the memories you created together... about the words you said to each other... about your experiences... I was feeling so guilty.

Gokudera noticed my uneasiness and he apologized in a soundless, empty voice.

"Ah,I'm sorry Jyuudaime... It's okay... that you don't remember."

I couldn't stand this burden on my soul and I did... something reckless I guess. As Gokudera was sitting next to me, staring silently at the floor, I leaned close to him and hugged him. I felt that this was all I could do to make him feel better... or to make me feel better. How selfish of me...

"I.. I am sorry Gokudera-kun! I may not remember anything now.. But we can make new memories together, ne?"

These words that came out of my mouth without even thinking didn't seem to affect Gokudera. He didn't respond to my words. He didn't react to my statement of forgiveness. He was just holding me tightly.

We were in this position for a few minutes. I had snuggled in his arms and I had my eyes closed, trying to feel his sweet embrace with all of my other senses. I didn't want to open my eyes, because the sight of the white depressing room, made me remember of the gloomy faces that left long ago. Moreover, I didn't want to think of anything... I didn't want to think of anything at all. I just wanted to enjoy this moment.

The weird thing is that... Well, it wasn't really 'natural' for a boy to hold another boy the way we were holding each other, and I knew it was wrong. I knew that boys shouldn't act that way. Even though I had no memories, my mind considered this action to be a wrong one. However, despite the worries of my subconscious... I didn't wanna let go. His soft hands that were caressing my face and touching my hair, making them more messy than before... His strange, yet so familiar scent that covered his clothes and body... The warmth of his arms... The feeling of his need...

It was really so strange, but it felt like I had really known him. I didn't have any memories at all, yet all his movements and the feelings he provided to me... they were all so familiar.

I was nestling in his hug with my head on his chest and for a moment, I really felt like I eavesdropped the secret words of his heart... I could hear his heart beating so fast, as if it was trying to escape from his body. Was I really so important to him...?

I opened my eyes and I was all alone again. Was this a dream..?

I looked around me searching for something to prove me wrong. His scent was nowhere to be found.. his stare was nowhere to make me feel safe. Suddenly I heard the door opening, and I saw the woman from before entering the room while carrying some flowers. She looked at me.

"Tsu-kun, are you feeling better? I'm really sorry Gokudera-kun wasn't able to come... I saw him at the park but he told me he was busy and then went away. That poor boy... He must be feeling guilty."

Oh... So it was a dream. But it was so vivid... And how am I supposed to know how Gokudera looks like, if I have amnesia..? I really had to ask.

"Gokudera-kun has... ehm.. How does Gokudera-kun look like?"

"Oh, Gokudera-kun.. hmm... Gokudera-kun has silver hair... and he seems a bit angry some times... Oh, and he always calls you 'Jyuudaime' for some reason... I guess he gave you that nickname."

"Ah... I see..."

'Jyuudaime'...? Yes, I'm sure the person I met was Gokudera. But... was it really a dream?