War of the Planets, Battle of the Worlds
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
As far as I'm concerned, this is what's going on in a certain comic book I'm ignoring.
IF that don't sell and Uncle Scrooge/Ducktales doesn't either, could you PLEASE knock off the "Launchpad is a moron routine" ALREADY?
One day, DASA made a scary announcement: a fleet of spaceships was heading from Pluto and heading straight towards Earth. Three guesses where on Earth and the first two don't count: DUCKBURG, of course.
"Launchpad, didn't you tell me that probe you hitchhiked a ride to Mars on was heading to Pluto next? The one that took Ping the Pitiless to Pluto? You don't suppose?" I asked.
"I hope not! That Ping was Pitiless!" Launchpad replied.
Unfortunately, my guess proved correct. Ping the Pitiless killed time on his way to Earth by explaining (bad guys love giving their back story) how he had been overthrown from his reign on Mars by an Earthling (Guess who?) and had been exiled to Pluto. There, Ping conquered the Plutonians (1) and was now taking his Plutonian army to conquer and rule Earth.
"It was easy to get the Plutonians to attack Earth- they were ALREADY angry at Earth because Earth declared that Pluto is not a planet! I will thus by avenged on the Earthling who overthrew me!" Ping said.
The armed forces of the US prepared to meet the invaders. But, of course, we have no space fleet- and NASA has had its funding cut. Not that I blame Obama.
I have no doubt he read what NASA planned to DO with any money he gave them. Obama saw that NASA intended to have astronauts waste time on make work on the Moon, while brave little toasters (probes) did the exploring in a painfully oblivious game of "bait and switch" and cut their funding to teach them a lesson.
The Plutonians bypassed the Star Wars system like it wasn't there.
"I better call DW! Maybe the Justice Ducks can help with this!" Launchpad said.
Launchpad called Drake Mallard- only to get a shock.
"Hello. Drake Mallard isn't in right now. This is Launchpad McQuack speaking." the voice at the other end said.
For a second, Launchpad thought it was the answering machine. Then he realized that DW is such an egomaniac, he changed his message as soon as Launchpad moved back to Duckburg.
"What's going on here? You're not Launchpad McQuack! I'M Launchpad McQuack!" Launchpad thundered.
"Oh. I was afraid this would happen. I'm really Bruno Von Beak, pretending to be you. I found the perfect place to hide from SHUSH. Right under their beaks. "Bruno began.
"They think I'm dead. I escaped from a SHUSH prison in such a manner; they think I died trying to escape. But I've gone straight. I saw you talking to that fool in a Starducks and saw him change to DW later. He mistook me for you. I've been hiding here every since, pretending to be you." (2)Bruno continued.
"It's been a snap fooling him. He hasn't even noticed that you're in Duckburg, working for Mr. McDuck. Gosalyn has caused me more trouble, but fortunately, she's discovered boys." Bruno explained
"It was almost two years ago you ran into Drake Mallard- otherwise known as DARKWING DUCK in St. Canard and had coffee with him in Starducks, right? I've been "Launchpad McQuack, his sidekick" ever since. I haven't caused you any trouble before and don't plan on causing you any now." Bruno promised.
"This is about those invaders from Pluto, right? DW busy fighting crooks. But I'll see what I can do to help without blowing my cover. Bye!" Bruno hung up.
Launchpad called Griz and let him know about this.
"I already know that Bruno has been masquerading as you. I've know for a year and a half now. It's OK, he's gone straight. Thanks for reminding me I should of told Bruno I know. I see no reason to tell DW or the rest of SHUSH. " Griz said.
A few minutes later, the phone rang again. Launchpad answered it.
"Hello? Is this Launchpad? This is Dr. Bluebottle. Do you remember me? Bruno asked me to speak to you." Dr. Bluebottle asked.
"Sure. You're the one who taught me everything I know about subs,(3) including how to operate one." Launchpad replied."
"It was the least I could do. MY lawyer, after I was arrested for stealing the US MOBY, pointed out that I designed it on my own time, with my own equipment. Therefore, it was MY sub and I couldn't be arrested for stealing it." Dr. Bluebottle answered.
"The army's lawyer pointed out that I sold it to the Navy, therefore it was theirs...it could of dragged on forever if you didn't remind them I just wanted recognition- the Nobel Prize. And that a lot of my earlier work had been de-classified." Dr. Bluebottle replied.
They gave me the Nobel Prize for some of my earliest work, I went back to working for the Navy and everybody's happy. I wish to thank you by helping you get rid of these Plutonians. Especially since all the armed forces, including the Navy, wants to get rid of the Plutonians." Dr. Bluebottle said.
" I was working on a new sub before this happened. I was thinking... I helped you make a plane submersible. How's about you help me make a sub capable of flying into other space?" Dr. Bluebottle suggested.
The two went on talking for quite some time.
LATER...
Ping and his minions arrived in Duckburg at 1 o'clock in the morning. Duckburg rolls up it's sideways at 11. Especially since it was Sunday. Everybody was asleep...or almost everybody.
The Cops were awake (at least the ones on duty were). They saw the Plutonians milling around, but they weren't doing anything except walking around looking confused and lost.
Ping expected to be attacked by Earthlings defending their "turf" the minute he and his army beamed down. Since both Ping and the Plutonians could see in the dark (besides, the street lights and the Moon provided enough light), Ping simply did not understand why his invasion was going unchallenged.
Meanwhile, Launchpad and Dr. Bluebottle were working on turning his sub into a spaceship.
"If there really is a fleet of spaceships, we'll need more than one spaceship." Dr. Bluebottle said.
"The Thunderquack could fly in space, if it had the right fuel." Launchpad said.
"With my connections to the government, and this emergency, I can get all the rocket fuel you want." Dr. Bluebottle said.
"We'll still need more than two spaceships, to go against a fleet of them. Maybe Mr. McDee will have some ideas." Launchpad said.
And he called Mr. McDuck.
"I've been thinking about that. We don't have time to build spacecraft! But Glomgold called me. He's worried about these Plutonians, too. What if they don't have money and conquer us? What if they do have money and conquer us?" Mr. McDuck began.
"He came up with the idea of running a bluff. He's arranged for Bomber, Butch and Dashing Duke to fly the "spacecraft". Blimps in disguise." Mr. McDuck began.
"Can you TRUST Flinty?" Launchpad asked.
"Don't teach your grandfather to...well, you know! Of course I don't trust him! But he'll cooperate as long as these Plutonians are a threat, if not a millisecond longer!" Mr. McDuck replied.
Soon Mr. McDee and Flinty were busy making blimps out of mylon and draping existing blimps in bright, shiny mylon that made the blimps look like solid metal.
"With any luck, the aliens will think they are anti-gravity craft, they look so heavy, but are floating!" Mr. McDuck chuckled.
Back on the streets of Duckburg, Ping has organized his troops and is marching them towards Downtown Duckburg. Being new in town, they get a little lost and have some trouble along the way.
First, they have to cross one of those superhighway- you know, one of those "blvd.s of death"? They've never seen a road before. They've never seen a car before. They don't know you're supposed to cross at the green light. So it takes them quite some time before they finally make it across safely.
The cops are following them at a discreet distance. A army of weird looking two legged dogs marching down the street in the middle of the night is unusual even in Duckburg, but so far, they haven't even walked on the grass.
That's because Ping can't imagine anybody putting up a sign telling you not to unless the grass is carnivorous or the penalty for walking on the grass is death. Lord knows HE'D never put up such a sign and back it up with less than capital punishment, so he can't imagine anybody else doing anything else.
So when Ping's army encounters a "one way only" sign, they march for quite some distance in the WRONG direction. How are they supposed to know such signs don't apply to pedestrians? Only when they reach a u-turn sign do they finally get turned in the correct direction.
Then some stray four-legged dogs snarl at them. Ping thinks:
"Ah! At last the Earthers are challenging me!"
And he wastes time threaten and questioning the curs, not realizing they are dumb animals. The strays just snarl and bark. So Ping orders his army to attack them. The strays, seeing so many "people", run for it.
"Thus we shall conquer all the cowardly Earthers!" Ping shouts.
By this time, the cops are calling the insane asylums and the homes for adult developmentally disabled to see if any of their clients are missing.
After quite some time, the Plutonians are tired and footsore. They are getting mad at Ping. Here they are on Earth, and the Earthers are ignoring them. How are they supposed to have a war if the other side doesn't come?
Ping argues with his troops for quite some time. Then, the sun rose. As did the temperature. It's August and it had been cool because it was very early in the morning...until the sun rose. The temperature soon reached the 90's and the Plutonians were as sick as dogs. They weren't used to heat.
Just about then, Bluebottle's spacesub, the Thunderquack and the spaceblimps flew over head. Seeing that his troops would mutiny if he tried to keep them on Earth in this heat, Ping ordered them to beam back up and attack the Earth space "fleet".
As soon as the Plutonians are in range, Launchpad aimed an over grown water pistol at them. He shot water in a tight beam, very fast at them. IF there is any H2O on Pluto, it's frozen solid. The Plutonians don't know what water IS. Ice, maybe.
Mars MAY have had water once upon a time, long long ago(4)but Ping's never seen water, either. They avoid it like it's H2SO4 (5) instead of H20.
That's when I notice something weird.
"Launchpad, look down at Earth." I said.
"I don't see anything." Launchpad replied.
"Exactly. Where are the shadows of the enemy ships? I see OUR ships' shadows, and Ping's...but the rest of the enemy fleet aren't casting shadows." I said.
"That's not possible! All solid objects cast shadows...unless they're not solid! Illusions! PING's been running a bluff, too! He only has ONE ship! The rest are holograms!" Launchpad said, catching on. "That's how he got past Earth's defenses so easily...he only had one ship to sneak thru!"
"Ping must of packed Plutonians into one ship like clowns in a clown car." I replied.
"Where were my eyes that I didn't notice it before? Sharan, Ping's ship is that probe that took me to Venus, welded onto a make-shift hull. Ping doesn't know how to build a spacecraft and neither do the Plutonians, so they improvised and ran a bluff!" Launchpad said.
"Mars had spaceships...maybe he intended to steal some but couldn't?" I guessed.(6)
"Doesn't matter. Our TWO ships still outnumber his ONE." Launchpad said.
Launchpad contacted our other ships and told them about Ping's deception.
Dr. Bluebottle managed to block Ping's hologram projector signals and Ping's "fleet" disappeared. Ping hadn't told the Plutonians that his raid on Mars to steal spaceships had been unsuccessful or that all he had stolen was a hologram projector.
Our ships surrounded Ping's. The Thunderquack and Bluebottle's spacesub faced Ping's, the blimps were in back.
The Plutonians thought the other ships were real and were just as crammed with as many Martians as theirs was crammed with Plutonians. Until they saw the ships disappear like soap bubbles. THAT was the last straw. They were already tired and wanted to go home. Finding out that Ping only had ONE ship- theirs- and was willing to attack Earth anyway, they just couldn't take it anymore.
The Plutonians mutinied against Ping. Finding himself outnumber a billion Plutonians to his one Martian, he fled the ship in his spacesuit and headed for Mars. He actually expected to reconquer Mars all by himself! But he never got the chance. He landed on Deimos instead by mistake, then realized he was out of fuel. He was stranded alone on a moon. He had no one to fight, no one to conquer.
Meanwhile, since the Plutonians took their ship and returned home to Pluto, we returned home to Earth.
The End.
(1)Who, naturally, resembled Pluto, only with two legs. (Am I right in remembering Pluto the dog's original name was Deimos before Mickey Mouse changed it?)
(2) Launchpad is currently in Uncle Scrooge #392,393 and 394. YOU explain him being two places at the same time.
I frankly don't care if the "Launchpad McQuack" in DW is Launchpad's clone who has divorced the Queen of the Galaxy and has teamed-up with DW! He's not using Launchpad's social security number and is using a middle name (which Launchpad doesn't have).
I don't care if it's the Launchpad-robot those aliens built, trying to get the Queen of the Galaxy to marry it (so they could control her) instead of the real McCoy!
I don't care if it's the Evil-Launchpad from the Negaverse who moved to Earth- Disney just before either the Anti-Monitor or whoever was the bad guy from Marvel's "Secret Wars" destroyed the Negaverse!
There! I thought of FOUR other possibilities off the top of my head without going completely off canon!
As long as it AIN'T Launchpad (and as far as I'M concerned, it ain't), I can ignore DW in peace!
If DW appears in US, I may let the Plutonians conquer Earth-Disney and have Launchpad and me move elsewhere.
(3) See the Ducktales episode "Whale of a Bad Time" for Dr. Bluebottle. Dr. Bluebottle also helped Launchpad make the Thunderquack submersible. Don't me surprised if I eventually write a version of '"Whale of a Bad Time" starring Launchpad. Maybe with Launchpad saving the day backstage, like in "Where No Duck has Gone Before".
(4)It's red color is iron oxide, otherwise known as rust. Yes, I KNOW that's supposed to be caused by water vapor. THE WHOLE PLANET?
(5) Sulfuric acid.
(6) That's because the chimp who currently rules Mars HATES spaceships. He ordered them destroyed.