The wind seemed to thrash and bash itself against my window as the thunder cried its solemn vows to the world and as I, standing so stoically behind my glass protection, eyes trailing the droplets' marks---whispering to me, "I was here"--- and shuddering at the sudden memory of the cold against my skin.
I shook the thought off, cursed to banish the memory forever, in fear that I may yearn for the warmth that I've denied myself of.
Why, it is so easy to love! A mocking voice laughed; I fear it was another part of me that sprung out from the inner well of my being, that sleeping abyss made for me and only me.
Closing my eyes, I murmured against the crisp cool air, "Be gone.." only to be faced by the shadow of my haggard countenance by the light and darkness that intermingled harmoniously.
Is that me? For a moment there that unshaven man with molten yellow eyes of which remnants of stress and fatigue lined the very contours of those delicate lower lids and unkempt blonde hair had caught me off-guard. It was far beyond my perceived image but the truth always had a way with telling me that most of what dictations that came from my lips were and are untrue. They were simply "little" work from the vocal chords, the larynx---all those that made the most vile creation: my voice.
Closing my eyes is the only option for me now in order to stop the scenes from playing on and on like a recorder that has lost all its sense of function.
"Breathe into me" A voice called out to me, in the other side of my glass shield, beckoning me, urging me to move my hands and curl them into fists and manipulating my will into bashing them against the glass. "Call out to me..." The voice persisted, demanded like a child would.
"Love only me."
The harsh wind felt like spikes that tore my flesh, the cold creeping from my fingertips until it contaminated the whole of my body, stealing the only possible human warmth I could ever own. The silence ensued, and the rustling, rumbling and murmur of the thunder and all remnants of rain disappeared leaving no trace as if to play with my sanity.
Silence. Just me and silence. Trust me, it isn't the best blend of things although most might want to negate this.
A faint daftness kissed my cheeks and disappeared before I could even notice it. Must it be Conscience riding the tall clouds astride in his flaming horse to send bolts of emotions toward my very hypothalamus? Or was it my own romantic acceptance that I have indeed sinned gravely against man and myself..
I shook my head, a small smile played on my lips as my molten amber eyes caught the suggestion of blood on my knuckles before I came back to my sense and ran towards the bathroom to clean the dripping blood.
Frankly speaking, I loved blood.
"Gauze..." I murmured, flinching at the very sound of my voice, that unnatural blend of humanity and malice locked in a vocal chord. Revealing the medicine cabinet behind the mirror, I found none and cursed. "Slowly Yuki..." I cautioned myself before my temper rose.
Just like that time. That one time. That last time. I held him too...
But.
It wasn't that way. No, no. It can't be that simple. Yuki Eiri can never be that simple, now can he? He just can't accept the fact that he can't find a reason why he has to be that simple.
Frustration led me to do it. Yes, frustration and the undeniable blend of stress that amplified that event.
"Breathe into me.."
Even as I bashed my forehead against the tiled walls I still felt numb. My soul cried for all these lingering memories to stop because they couldn't seem to.
"Call out to me..."
I shook my head, my mouth forming a "No" yet too scared to voice it.
"Love only me."
I slipped down the floor, molten amber eyes flooded and blurred by tears of admission.
Yes, I killed him. Tore his clothes, felt him one last time before I stabbed him to death.
No one leaves me. Ever.
My eyes opened, no longer amber but hard gold, as they fixed themselves on the peaceful pink-haired boy with pale skin, half-closed eyes and a mouth as kissable as it was before I stole its warmth. His skin was still so smooth, I could tell without even touching.
He seems so peaceful... and so beautiful floating in red water.
A small chuckle escaped my throat and my eyes widened in horror. It was that same old ironic laugh that came out after the task was done.
"Sick," I screamed in between laughter that escalated to near madness. "Yuki, you're sick!" I pushed myself up against the wall and made my way back to my study, to the broken window hoping that if I found it in one piece, I would be too.
It was still as is; trails of blood on the carpet revealed the truth and my mind screamed. No, I wasn't the man that everyone saw as the cool calculating Adonis. I am now a murderer. "I murder what I most adored laughing," I quoted as I stepped on the broken glass with my bare feet.
"Perhaps, indeed.... perhaps indeed..." I closed my eyes, smiled and walked past the window and into the asphalt ground below some floors from my apartment.
end.