Wow, it's been so long since I wrote any RoyEd. I feel awful for that, but I became obsessed with SasuNaru, and frankly, I couldn't think of anything. Plus, I was feeling so intimidated by Black-Merciful-Faerie's DROP-DEAD-OH-MY-FRICKING-GAWD-AMAZING RoyEd fic, Levitas Fragosus (go read it now, I command you), that I didn't feel like attemping anything.
Yes, sad I know. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm a great writer, but still... it's a bit depressing when I'm having writer's block. Yaoi block is more like it, which, believe me, is much worse.
And the title, for those who don't know, means weakness in German. Technically, there's supposed to be two dots over the "a", but seeing as my laptop's keys are German-deficient...
So anyway, I'd really appreciate hearing what you guys think of this, since it's been so long and I'm hoping this is a good RoyEd comeback for me. Enjoy!
WARNINGS: Boy smut, angst, character death... (my apologies)
It is a well-known fact that when a person displays unnatural behavior, they often do so with extremity. Those who are rarely angry become a force to be reckoned with when they lose their temper, those who are rarely weak break down completely and become increasingly dependent when weakness overcomes them.
And Edward Elric wasn't weak.
Perhaps it was because of this that, while Alphonse clung to life in the hospital, Edward needed Roy Mustang.
WEAKNESS
Edward didn't like admitting it, but tears were more than capable of welling up in his usually determined eyes. Carelessly, he ran his metal hand across them, and swore as he brought the flesh one up to wipe away his tears correctly.
"Here."
His golden eyes lifted, taking in the sight of Mustang holding a white handkerchief out to him. His face was impassive, but Edward knew that it was only because the situation was awkward enough without the Colonel having to act sympathetic. He begrudgingly accepted the cloth, but kept it in his lap as he pulled his white gloves on.
"He'll... he'll be fine, Fullmetal."
"Stop telling me that," Edward replied bitterly as Mustang took a seat next to him. "I don't care what anyone has to say, you're just trying to pacify me."
Mustang scoffed. "You could at least try to be nice, after all, I'm the one's who trying to-"
"Go away," Edward told him as a fresh wave of tears spilled down his cheeks. "If all you've come to do is bother me... I don't know..." He gave up, trying rather to hold back a sob. Mustang's hand rose automatically, wiping the tears from one half of Edward's face, staining his pyrotex glove. The blonde turned to him at lightning speed, and he pulled back his hand as though burned.
"Sorry, Fullmetal..." he mumbled, turning to face forward. "Wasn't thinking..."
Edward touched a hand to his face, his emotions passive for a moment. His eyes were drawn to a somber-looking nurse, reading papers from a clipboard held gingerly in her arms, making her way to him down the hall. He suddenly sat up, all thoughts gone.
"How is he? Is he alright?" Edward leapt to his feet, shouting, and Mustang stood to hold him back. "Please... please don't tell me he's dead!"
A sob jerked from his throat despite his efforts to prevent it, and he shook his head to stall the tears. The nurse's features softened.
"He's still in critical condition, right now," she said, her eyes on Mustang rather than Edward. "It's best you go home for the night. He should be fine by the morning. You can-"
"No!" He lunged forward so roughly that Mustang almost lost his balance trying to subdue him. "I want to stay! What if he..."
"Fullmetal."
Edward turned wild eyes on Mustang.
"She's right. If anything happens, we'll know."
The nurse shifted on her feet, hoisting her clipboard higher. "So do you have a way to get home?"
"He does."
Once again, Edward turned from the nurse to Mustang. "You're taking me... where?"
"You can stay with me."
Edward's cheeks flushed, embarrassment flooding him. But at the same time, warm relief and and a feeling of gratefulness made itself known inside him, and he nodded. The nurse flashed them a last smile, and, her hair swinging behind her, she turned away.
"Wait!" Edward called, his fingers grasping the front of his jacket in desperation. "I want to see him."
A disapproving frown found its way to her lips, and her eyes flicked to Mustang's. Fury rose up inside of Edward, knowing that she sought him because he was the "adult", the one who would make a more rational decision.
"It's my choice!" he shouted defiantly at the nurse. "He's not going to decide anything for me!"
She set her jaw, checked her clipboard, and nodded. "I'll show you to his room."
Edward numbly followed her, his gloved hand reaching out behind his body. For a moment, it remained there, bobbing back and forth with the blonde's steps. Then a circle-emblazoned glove met it as Roy's fingers closed around Edward's.
The nurse stopped, opening the door and motioning for them to go in. Edward gently pulled Roy inside, his eyes glazing over at Al lying motionless on the white-linen bed. Even Roy's black eyes misted over as his fingers were freed, Edward kneeling beside the bed. He watched as the blonde embraced his brother, tears pouring relentlessly from his golden eyes, and he stooped to lay comforting hand on the boy's red-clad shoulder.
At the touch, Edward spun around, drawing himself into Mustang's arms. The Flame straightened up in surprise, but held tightly to the boy now clinging to him. His hand lifted to the back of Edward's head, gloved fingers slipping through his blonde braid.
"Colonel, I'm sorry..." came a voice thickly from Roy's chest. "This is..."
"Perfectly fine... Fullmetal." Roy was beginning to feel that this was straying from business behavior, and disentangled his hand from Edward's braid to pat the top of his head awkwardly. Edward lifted his head, embarrassment once again shimmering on his face. His gaze fell to the floor as he took a few steps away from the man.
"Thanks." He seemed not to be able to look at his brother.
Mustang smiled a little, which did not go unnoticed by Edward's peripheral vision. He raised an arm to wipe his eyes with his red sleeve, casting a forlorn look at Al.
"It's just..." It was apparent from his voice that he was deeply ashamed for allowing himself to act this way in front of Mustang. "I... can't lose him..."
Mustang watched in respectful silence as Edward leaned over and tenderly kissed his brother's forehead. He turned, slowly and resolutely, to face Mustang.
"Take me home."
A shiver ran down Mustang's spine as he heard the pain in the boy's voice. He had never known what it was like to worry about a brother, to fear that he would lose him forever. A part of him, perhaps the emotional side he rarely exhibited, wanted to tell Edward to turn around and stay with Al. The other, considerably more rational, part of him knew that it would be better for the young alchemist to separate himself for a while and relax.
And yet he knew perfectly well that someone like Edward could never relax in a situation like this.
Edward was exceptionally quiet during the ride home, and Mustang suspected he was fighting against his urge to cry. Therefore, he settled into silence himself, glancing continuously at his suboordinate but never meeting his eyes, those golden orbs that were resigned to stare out the window.
"Edward?" He couldn't stand to listen to the buzzing silence. "What happened to Al?"
"He had a seizure." Edward's eyes remained looking out the window. "It seems his soul was too unstable to return to his body."
"But he just got his body back."
"It was something I should have foreseen." Edward's voice was constricted with guilt. "But I was reckless, and now he's paying the price."
And he lapsed into silence once more.
He still didn't speak as Mustang led him into his house, but his eyes curiously wandered around the hall.
"This is where you live?"
"Yes." Mustang replied, staring down at him, as though it might have been years since he had heard the boy's voice. "Why?"
Edward gave a half-hearted shrug. "It's nice." His lips turned up in a faint smile.
Mustang found himself smiling back at him, relieved. In truth, he would have liked it better if Edward had made a snide remark about his home, because at least that would mean he was getting back to who he usually was. His smile quickly faded at the look of helplessness on the boy's face. He didn't like it, not when it was so unnatural, not when it was something that didn't belong on Edward's features.
"I don't know what to do." His voice was feeble, but still held a great deal of shame. It broke Mustang's heart.
"It happens, Fullmetal."
"Not to me!" Edward cried, taking a shuddering breath. "It doesn't... I always know what I have to do! But now I feel... so lost... I don't even know what to do except stand here like a fool!"
His body wavered violently, so much so that Mustang twitched forward in the fear that the boy might just stumble and fall, but he remained on his feet, if only for the fact that his pride wouldn't allow such weakness to befall him. Mustang pulled his arm back, sighing in relief, and suddenly Edward dropped to his knees of his own accord.
"I'm..." Edward half shouted, his fists clenched on the cold, hard floor. But what he was Mustang never found out. Edward collapsed completely, his body spread out on Mustang's hallway floor. The man stooped beside him, gently grasping his arm, urging him to get up.
"I'll find a place for you to sleep, come on-"
"It's not that." Edward's voice was muffled into the ceramic tiles. "I just don't know what to do. At all."
Mustang frowned, and resolved to simply turn Edward to his back. He leaned his face over the other's blank one.
"Listen to me, Edward." The blonde looked up at his eyes, hearing the stern edge to his tone. "Pull yourself together. What if Al comes through after all?"
"And what if he doesn't?" It was then that Edward pushed himself up on the palms of his hands, his face inches from Mustang's, his eyes burning hell into those black ones he loathed. Mustang stared back into this determination, admitting to himself that Edward had a valid point, and that he clearly knew it was just like the boy to contradict.
"How can we know?" he replied, watching as Edward's eyes turned misty again. He grimaced nervously. "Eh... please don't start crying two inches away from my face..."
He realized half a second too late that he had said something incredibly insensitive, and Edward pulled away with tears already spilling from his eyes.
"Wait!" Mustang said, grabbing his arm to pull him back, and he faltered. With his grip firmly maintained on the blonde's wrist, they were frozen together. He could hear perfectly the gasp-like breaths Edward took, the beat his heart was drumming out, and the hazy blush swam before his eyes, too close to be seen properly.
Edward knew they were too close. But the man was his only comfort, the only thing he had while Al couldn't be there for him.
It must have been his emotions; his new-found weakness, because under no other circumstance, no matter how close they might have ended up, would he have allowed himself to lean into Mustang's kiss.
---
"Edward?"
The blonde alchemist's ears sought out Mustang's faint whisper, and it was his eyes that found him.
His gloveless fingers closed around a fold of cloth; a bedsheet. He could feel the warmth and softness of a pillow tickling his cheek, and wondered when it was that he had finally taken Mustang up on his offer to find a bed to sleep in.
Mustang.
Edward looked back up at him, and like cold water, their reality washed over him.
The closeness of their bodies startled him; when had this happened? And it was only with an uncomfortable shift, as he felt his skin brush skin that was not his own, that he realized how very naked he and his commanding officer were.
"Edward?" Mustang repeated. "Is everything okay?"
"I..." Edward sat up on his elbows, consequently bringing his face too close again and locking lips with the man. With a sputter and a blush, he leaned back, and suddenly he remembered where they were and how they had gotten there.
He didn't even know whether it was Mustang's doing. It very well could have been that the kiss they had shared had been an act of his own, but in that moment of time, it wasn't as though it mattered.
Too absorbed to move farther than he had to, Mustang pulled Edward to his feet and backed him into the nearest wall as the red jacket pooled around their feet. Not absorbed enough to realize that this was a bad place for sex, he picked Edward up and carried him blindly to his immaculate bed, lowering him first and then himself.
He pulled impatienly at Edward's sleeves as the boy hastily shook his arms from them. After a few seconds of this assistance, he submitted and allowed Mustang to undress him, which took a surprisingly short amount of time.
"Wait... are you... sure... about this?" Sadness was still tearing at Edward's heart, but he wanted to feel that at least Mustang thought this was right.
"I am." Mustang smiled, and as Edward felt deft hands sliding down his thighs, his world dissolved away.
"What are we doing?" he asked, unable to tell if it was revulsion or anxiety hidden in his own voice. "We... can't..."
"We can."
"No...! What about... what about Al?" He tried to fight against Mustang's body forcing his own back down. "What about Al?!"
Mustang stopped, and guilt lingered in his eyes. They met Edward's in the pressing darkness.
"I'm... I'm sorry..." he whispered, his very being feeling the sorrow emanating from Edward. "If you don't want to... I'll stop..."
His eyes fell shut as he made to distance himself, but cold metal fingers closed around his arm. He was pulled back into a fierce kiss, fire spreading from their lips, burning throughout their bodies and quite possibly the whole room.
"Edward?"
"If you know what... you're doing... I just want to forget..."
His words were so heart-wrenching that Mustang pulled him into a soft kiss again as Edward's body thumped back down onto the bed.
"Does it hurt?" It was childish, Edward knew, but the question had been asked before he could stop himself.
"Is this..." Mustang swallowed. "...your first time?"
"Of course it is!" Edward answered hotly, and there it was: his usual brash self shining through. Mustang chuckled and pressed closer, so that the expanse of the blonde's skin might as well have been merging with his own. The sheen of sweat was cool and slick on both of their chests, and had it not been for Mustang's arousal that lay right above Edward's waistline, their stomachs would have been connected as well.
"With a man?"
"With anyone!"
"Well," he answered, deciding to be honest. "It... it does, at first."
"At first?" Edward didn't want anyone causing him pain, least of all The Flame Alchemist. But as that thought crossed his mind, so did another: he was going to give his virginity to someone he hated on a regular basis, someone that he had never had an aspiration to have sex with, someone that he might as well have been using to take his mind off of his own pain. As wrong as that was, and as much as he knew he would regret it later, he didn't want to think about it.
"Yes," Mustang replied, and a smirk couldn't help finding its way onto his lips. "But after a while, you won't be able to feel it... and it helps if I'm careful with you."
"Be careful then," Edward warned him, and a curious sensation ran through his body. It was a tingling, invigorating feeling, and he understood what it meant immediately. He wanted Roy Mustang. He needed Roy Mustang. He gripped the back of the man's head with his mismatched hands, and without a word, Mustang leaned forward to kiss him hungrily again.
Lust roiled in the pit of Edward's stomach as Mustang's tongue parted his lips and slid inside his mouth. He'd never been kissed in such a way before, but it felt so right, so good, that he allowed Mustang to continue and gave back as much as he could. Though he craved to know what it was that Mustang was doing with his hands, exactly how the man could move them just right on his desperate young body, he didn't dare move from Mustang's kiss to find out.
And he didn't question it when Mustang's hands left his thighs to pull his legs, flesh and metal both, onto his broad shoulders. But Mustang answered for him.
"Better position, Edward," Mustang told him, only breaking his lips away mere centimeters as he slid the fingers of one of his hands into his mouth. "Now hold still..."
Those three words were more than enough to tell Edward that something, probably not something he'd particularly like, was about to happen. With no time to contemplate why Mustang had broken their kiss to put his hand in his mouth, he started with a cry as something wet pushed inside of him.
Rational sense told him that it was not Roy's dick; what he was feeling was far too small; and, he noticed as he felt another enter him, Roy didn't have more than one.
"What are you doing...?" Edward was surprised to hear the throaty moan that was supposed to be his voice.
"These are just my fingers," Mustang responded, sliding another in and stretching them slightly, causing Edward to strain against his body. "I'm trying to prepare you."
He brought his lips back down so fast that Edward didn't even have time to open his mouth, and he felt the skin of his lip break as Mustang's teeth closed on it. The fingers were hastily drawn from his body as Mustang suckled gently on his lip, and drew away. Edward whined at the erotic sight before him. There hovered Mustang, his lips covered in the blonde's blood, about to take him.
He came back down again, and this time his lips went for Edward's pulse. As Edward felt the tongue slipping down his neck, it was then that he felt Mustang's body rock forward.
There was no describing it. Edward moaned, his moan quickly switching to a scream, and Mustang froze.
"Is it too much?"
"Move... dammit..." Edward growled at him, and the man did as he said; he thrust repeatedly, his owns grunts and moans muffled against the boy's skin. Edward clung to him, both arms clutching the back of his ebony head like an infant. One of Mustang's hands left Edward's hips, an action that went unnoticed by the blonde until that hand closed around his ignored arousal.
The Fullmetal Alchemist lost all sense completely. Surely pleasure like this wasn't possible. Surely, he thought, as Mustang's hand fell into a series of quick, even strokes, he must smolder away into the bed from the burning passion sweeping through his body.
The phone rang.
At the first tune, Edward struggled against not only Mustang, but his own senses. As Mustang plunged deeper, his voice was screaming for more, but everything he had was telling him he needed to answer that phone.
"Edward!" Mustang shouted as the blonde's body jerked away.
"What... aah... what if it's... about Al?" he panted through heavy gasps. "What if he's-"
His protest was cut short as Mustang's dick rammed into his prostate. His world exploded momentarily, his scream dripping with pleasure, and the ceasing of the phone failed to register with him.
He no longer saw nor heard nor thought. He just felt. Felt Mustang moving within him, felt searing kisses moving along his chest, and shuddered as a wave crashed over him.
An uncontrolled cry threw itself from his throat, long and drawn out, and tears once more spilled from his eyes as he gripped Mustang's head so hard he was sure he felt his fingers digging into the man's scalp. Stinging lips raised from his collarbone and pressed lightly to his, as Mustang's soft moan penetrated his senses. His legs were lowered from Mustang's shoulders, and he felt the man slide out of him.
He knew, more from feeling it against his chest than hearing or seeing it, that Mustang was taking heavy and ragged breaths.
"Roy..." his voice was weak and hoarse from screaming.
Fumbling lips touched his in response, and were pulled away as the phone rang again. Mustang heaved himself to his feet, chill air sweeping over Edward's body as he did so. Edward heard him lift the receiver from its cradle.
"Hello?" Mustang's voice was deep; he was struggling to keep the lust out of it.
Edward forced his eyes open, golden seeking Mustang's form in the dim light. They lingered above Mustang's waist, instead on his face, which had just blanched to a paper-white color.
His heart stopped, and he sat up without hesitation.
"What is it?" His voice was frightened.
It took Roy a few moments to respond as he continued to clutch the receiver, his fingers now turning white from the pressure. He set it carefully down in the cradle and raised his onyx eyes to Edward's.
"It's Al."
Edward's body went numb.
---
Hours went by, and still Mustang sat in the brightly lit waiting room of the hospital, waiting for Edward.
In an instant, Edward was throwing on his clothes as Mustang did the same, neither speaking. The blonde flew to the car as Mustang climbed in and hit the gas.
"Edward..." He kept his eyes on the road speeding past them.
"Drive!" Edward commanded, his hands gripping the sides of his seat, his face wet and terrified. He couldn't do anything but think, think about what would happen if Al had died in there, died while his brother was off having sex
"I'm... sorry..." Mustang whispered, as Edward wept beside him. His right hand searched for Edward's left, as his other held the wheel in place, and the boy's fingers laced with his.
The car veered to a halt in front of the hospital, and both alchemists leapt from it without bothering to wonder what would happen to it. Edward's body was a flash of black as he sprinted through the halls toward Al's roon. Mustang knew how strange they must have looked: a flushed and sweaty teenager darting through a hospital, followed by a hassled-looking and equally sweaty State Alchemist.
The same young nurse from before made a noise of surprise as Edward threw himself past her and into the room, and as Mustang ran in after him. The man froze in horror as Edward sank to his knees by the bed, amidst a crowd of white-clad doctors, an animalistic cry ripping from his throat.
The nurse ushered Mustang out, and he fought against her, as politely as a man could fight against a woman smaller than he was. He called out to Edward as he was being pushed back out the door, and the blonde turned to him, an unrecognizable emotion glaring at him from those tear-filled golden eyes.
Mustang was exhausted. A glance at the clock on the wall told him that it was three in the morning.
He rubbed a fist into his eyes, stifling a yawn. He was really very irritated at having to sit out here, no more informed about what had happened to Al than the man sitting in the chair next to him.
Then the door opened.
He turned his head so fast that a sharp pain jabbed at his neck, and suddenly Edward was standing in front of him. His eyes widened, and he rose to his feet.
"Edward?"
The blonde took a step back, bringing his automail arm up to grasp the other. His eyes were alarmingly red, but they were fixed on Mustang's, still with that unknown emotion lurking in them.
"He's dead."
Shock dropped into Mustang's body like a stone, and he swallowed heavily.
"He's... he's dead?"
"Yes." Edward's eyes trembled, but he kept his voice steady. Mustang supposed he had spent the last half of the night crying until finally he had accepted what could not be changed and the tears had refused to fall any longer.
"But..." Mustang's mind was reeling. "They said... he would be fine..."
"An unstable soul..." Edward mumbled, sounding as though he was reading from one of his alchemy books. "It couldn't stay in the body that was..." His voice broke. "That was dragged back from the Gate."
"I don't understand," Mustang said, and no sooner than he had spoken Edward gripped the front of his shirt, his eyes snapping and furious. As he stared down into them, he realized what that elusive emotion hiding within them was.
It was hatred.
"You..." Edward hissed, anger brimming in the blush that consumed his features. "That first call... they wanted me to come in because they were losing him..."
Mustang could only look back at him, horrified.
"The second call... why they didn't tell you," he spoke the word venemously, as though wishing to inflict harm on Mustang by it. "I don't know... but he's dead now... he's dead and I could have been here to see him one last time!"
With his last word, he pulled his hand away from Mustang's shirt so hard that he almost ripped the buttons from it. One of Mustang's trembling hands held onto his shirt, and he looked at Edward in utter disbelief.
"It's... it's all your fault!"
"That... Al is dead?" Mustang found himself blinking stupidly. He was only half aware that people were staring at the pair of them, and he was sure that Edward had no clue whatsoever.
"No, you bastard! It's your fault... your fault that I couldn't be with Al!"
His fist, and metal at that, slammed into Mustang's face; the nurse emerged from the room and gave a small scream. Mustang collapsed into the chair he had risen from, as Edward's eyes scorched pure loathing into his, and then he was gone.
Mustang made no move to follow him. He brought a hand to his now severely bruised cheek, still looking dismayed.
The pain of what had just happened hurt more than his cheek.
And Roy Mustang didn't hurt.
OWARI
A/N: Don't despair, I fully intend to give this story a sequel! This would end so horribly if I didn't, now wouldn't it? The sequel will be called Annahme, the German word for "acceptance". Look out for it!
Something fun that I noticed throughout the course of this story is that I kept making mistakes in spelling Mustang's name, spelling it like "Mustnag". If you look closer, you'll realize it's "Must Nag". -laughs- And oh goodness gracious, a song sung by Vic Mignogna (the voice of Edward) came on while I was writing their "fun scene"... so I had to listen to Edward serenade me while I made him get down and dirty with Mustang.
Now, if you're going to review (which I really hope you do), please don't just say "thats hot". For one, I already know it's hot, I wrote it. For two, I appreciate sensible reviews. And also, please don't say anything like "how sad" or "omg why u make al die?".
Thanks for reading, and look out for the sequel, Annahme!