As I lay dying.
Introduction
Scene one, location: early morning, Castle Bam June 6th 2049
I stood in front of the fire place ,listening to the sound of the wood as it cracked and burned with a amber glow, admiring the pictures on the mantle piece in the etched silver frames that held our memories. Memories of the man that I loved and still do so dearly, and the life that we shared that was cut so short. I breathed heavily and I let out a sigh, my frail and wrinkled hand held the picture of Bam and I on our holiday in Hawaii where he proposed all those many, many years ago.
I placed the picture carefully back on the mantle, knowing that it wouldn't be long now, until I saw my blue eyed angel again as I was getting on with my years and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was tired. Walking over to the window, the floor boards creaked, they sounded how I felt, old, weathered and worn, as they were not young anymore, as I wasn't either.
Dark grey misty clouds were on the horizon, the sound of thunder came rolling in the distance and droplets of rain clung to the leaves of trees as I looked over the property of Castle Bam and the beautiful green hills that surround.
This house. This big empty house that only I now occupied, It's hard to come to terms that Bam had passed away 43years ago, and all that you see before you is an empty shell of a woman, who is alone ever since he lost the fight, and his beautiful spirit soared into the heavens above.
Rewind some years earlier:
Scene two. Africa March 19th 2006.
We finally made it. 14 hour flight, two stop overs, and a killer head ache, Bam, the regular crew, a few hand picked pro skaters and myself touched down in the small village of Timbuktu, Africa.
Would you actually believe Bam is afraid of flying?He's so used to jet setting short distances and He couldn't believe Africa was so far away.
It was the ' Helping Hand' charity that had flown him and the crew there, to see how poverty affects peoples lives, and how getting some celebrities to remote villages to work with local children donating time and money to help enrich their lives and to inspire them to achieve great things.
Glomb had been sent to this village four months prior to build a couple of ramps and to do general repairs on some of the tribal huts.
I guess Bam was there to check out his handy work and put a show on for the kids.
No one really knew who he was, but they could tell that he was rich and well off because he was so well dressed.
'Hey dip shit' Dunn screamed at Raab
'Hey what?' he replied.
'Were you in my fucking cooler again? All my shit is messed up and half my food is gone' said Dunn
Raab quickly stuffing his face with the remains of Dunn's sandwich
'Finders keepers asshole'
'That's it, your fucked now, there's nothing to eat here!' said Dunn as he stomped towards Raab
'Hungry? Eat this!' Raab stuffing dirt in Dunn's face, and they begin to wrestle on the ground fighting over the last scrap of food, the little African kids pointing and laughing at the two fight
' for fucks sake guys' Bam screams
'Don't you see we gotta show to do, you know its not all about you! If I knew you guys were going to behave like little bitches I wouldn't have brought you here'
'Its too hot here, fuck it I'm going to sit in the car with the air con on' Raab says, pushing Dunn back in the dirt as he passes'
Bam completed his tricks, and was a huge hit, but hey what do you expect? He's Bam Margera, brilliant in every way.
He did nick himself on a nail, and a small pool of blood trickled down his knee.
'Are you okay babe?' I asked
'Yeah sweets, just another injury to add to the list, I'll live" Bam replied
'aww poor little baby, gotta little scratchy awwww' I teased
'You're lucky you're cute, or else you would be in all sorts of trouble babe' He laughed
That's what I loved about Bam, he can take the crap. He even gave one lucky kid his skateboard.
Scene three. Castle Bam March 27th 2006
"Is Bam still in the shitter, I need to take a piss" Dico Said
"Yes I replied, he's been a bit under the weather since we got back, probably just the jet lag catching upto him"
"Or it's probably all the crappy food you guys eat, when are you going to learn that vegies and fruits are not the enemy" Said April, putting here two cents in.
"when they are deep fried and covered in cheese" Raab lazily replied.
"Dude I don't feel so good" said a groggy Bam as he returned from the toilet.
"oh my precious Boy, here I'll make you a hot chocolate' April said as she prepared her son a hot drink.
A few hours later and about thirty beers, Dunn, Raab, Dico and Vito( with a turkey sandwich in his hand) all went home.
I was in the bedroom laying out Bam's pj's when he came in and plonked himself on the bed.
"Bam honey I said, are you okay? You have a fever, as I handed him his pants and he got changed
"I'm fine, I'm just tired" as he curled up into bed and turned the light off.
"when I am with you, you make me feel safe, and so complete my life couldn't be anymore perfect now I am with you' I sighed as I placed my arm over his chest and snuggled up to his shoulder.
" Don't get all mushy on me babe, you know I feel the same way, you're the most amazing girl I have ever met, you're different, not like the others" He said as he brushed the hair from my eyes and planted the most tender kiss on my forehead'
"I know how you feel, I just.. I just worry about ya, when you're sick and stuff I just wish there was something I could do"
"I am okay honestly, It's probably just the flu, I'll be fine in the morning, well I am going to have to be, cause I have a surprise for you"
"Is that right Mr. Margera? He gets all big headed when I call him that! Goodnight sweet heart, I love you
Scene four, Location: Bam's Bedroom March 28th 9.27am
I awoke from a peacefull nights sleep only to find Bam wasn't there.
'Hmm I wondered, I wonder where he could be? Checking the closet, he always hides in silly places. Nope..not in there as I turned around the bedroom door flung open
"Good morning! He said as he burst through the door picking me up and spinning me around and flung me on the bed and laid on top of me.
"Wow you certainly changed your tune, I said as I gazed into those amazing eyes (those eyes are really a sight to see, they could melt anyone's heart, in which I got the pleasure of starring into each and every day'
" God you look beautiful this morning, I feel much better today babe, I told you it was probably just the flu, now get dressed I want you down stairs in 10 minutes, it's time to collect your surprise" He leaped up and ran down stairs.
"wow just another day in the Margera household"I thought.
Bam and I piled into the Hummer and took off down the road, arriving at our favourite spot, by the lake a short distance out of town.
"it's so beautiful and peaceful here Bam, I love it" as I wandered down to the lake's edge.
"damn yufufhy thing fuknek.." said Bam as he wrestled with the picnic basket he prepared trying to get it out of the back of the car
He's so cute when he's pissed off
We laid out the picnic rug, and I ate the breakfast he prepared, nothing fancy or over the top, just the way we liked it. We were simple people, enjoyed the fruits of nature, sure we had money to boot, but it didn't mean a damn thing, we had eachother we are soulmates and cannot exist without each other. We're in love.
It's the really beautiful things like this that make you happy and appreciate you are alive and to share it with someone just makes it that much sweeter. We chatted about the old days, how we met and the future, our bright future, our children that we will have the things we will teach them, the afterlife and how we have such an amazing deep love for one another. No matter how much money in the world you have, you just could not buy what we have.
This was when Bam was at his best, to know the real Bam is a gift in itself. Sure you see the showman on stages and ramps of the world, but to know him personally and to be part of his world, is incredible, the sweetest most sincere generous and beautiful being on the planet, and I am Bam's girl.
The sun cascaded through the trees and the leaves danced in the gentle breeze, this was perfection.
'Hey, Raab is on this father-son kick again he wants to go see his dad again, I said I would go with him, do you wanna come?" he asked
'Of course, I know its important for Raab to settle things with his Dad, where is he this time?" knowing that he could be anywhere.
"ahh..Hawaii, I think."
" wow Hawaii, how'd did he end up there?" I asked
"Only God knows, after all it is Raab's Dad, I think he was having trouble with his Visa and landed in Hawaii" he replied
"Yeah well knowing Raab, his dad would do something crazy like that and get his visa screwed up" We both laughed
"So Hawaii here we come then?" Tickling me like crazy!
"Looks like it" I smiled with a cheeky grin'
"aww shit I think I pulled a muscle" Bam said wincing in pain and grabbing his back
"you silly sausage" as I helped him up
We packed up our things and I drove back.
Scene five: Location Hawaii: April 9th 2006
"It's too hot and sticky here" Raab bitched
"Fuck's sake dude, is that all you do? Complain about the weather? It's too hot, it's too cold, there's no more beer, there's something in my shoe blah blah bla bitch la la" Dunn said as he punched Raab in the side of the head.
"will you guys shut up, you're giving me a head ache, plus my sore back doesn't help either so shut the fuck up" Bam said
It was a bit odd, Bam never usually never snaps like that, I know his back had been giving him a bit of hell lately, though he was probably just cranky from the flight.
"Oh yeah, like I gave you a sore back, too much sex your problem is, you can't blame me for everything' Dunn said sticking up his finger.
"You're just jealous cause you can't get laid" Bam said as he gave Raab a 'high five'
As much as I didn't want to say anything, I agreed it was damn hot and sticky here.
We all lounged by the pool drinking fancy drinks with the umbrellas.
After many cocktails, and three times we had to pull Raab out of the pool cause he can't swim, Dunn, Bam and I returned to our hotel rooms, Leaving Raab and his Dad to talk.
I laid down on the king size bed admiring Bam in the shower. He has the most amazing body in the world. When he came out he was wearing only a towel, and sat beside me on the bed. He leant down and pushed his lips against mine, I pushed harder back and we were entwined in the most amazing kiss. He gently removed my robe and softly kissed me down my neck, and lying me back down. Oh those eyes, those amazing eyes, he continues kissing me and little droplets of water from his hair run down my face.
His hands begin to wonder and softly caress my breasts and my hand strokes his back and my other hand gently but firmly grabs his hair. He sits upright the starts kissing me softly from my belly up until he reaches my mouth again. I pull off his towel, and I move back up the bed a bit. He positions himself so he is comfortable, and enters me. The sensation of him inside me and the pressure on my hips as he moves in and out makes me let out little moans, as does he.
Things move a bit faster now as he thrusts and tells me he is about to come. I tell him I love him,(I always look him in the eyes when he comes so I can see the love in his face , and we explode in a wave of passion, ecstasy and desire.
He lays on top of me until things go down. He moves over to the other side of the bed and faces me.
" God I love you, I've been wanting to ask you this for quite a while, and I am just going to put myself out there and say it, will you marry me?"
I was taken back for a second, it was music to my ears.
"of course I will, YES! " kissing him passionately
Could life get any better?
Scene six: Location: Castle Bam April 17th 2006
It was good to be home again, I prance around the house, 'future Mrs Margera" I Think. Wow.
Of course Ape and Phil were thrilled, as their son may finally calm down a bit.
Bam is at the doctor today, All my nagging paid off, he never goes to the doctor. He's lost a bit of weight, not much, but his back has flared up again, and has pain and swelling in his joints. One too many skateboard tricks I think.
Bam returns home a couple of hours later.
"How'd it go?"
" I don't know, they couldn't find any strained muscles and the joint soreness could just be excess fluid on my joints, but they ordered bone scans and took blood, should get the results in a couple of weeks"
"well that sounds promising, sounds like they are just double checking to be sure" I said.
Bam had this whole idea of a shot gun wedding in his yard. And 3 weeks later we were married in his garden in a simple ceremony with few family and friends. It really was quite beautiful. Best day of my life, followed by the worst.
Scene seven: Location: Doctor's office West Chester May 2006
"Mr Margera, Bad news I'm afraid, with the current bone scans, bloods and diagnosis I have come to the conclusion, that you are in the middle stages of Osteomyletis which is a bone disease or cancer if you like, it is caused by bad blood due to infections picked up on uncommon ground eg: oversease, and (pointing to an xray) this mass on your spine also indicates to be a tumour.
'what does that mean?" I asked, as I gripped Bam's hand tighter than ever.
"It means, that the combination of the tumour next to Bam's spine which cannot be operated on as there is a great risk of being unable to walk again, and the bone cancer, in it's late middle stages, there isn't much we can do but prescribe medications to ease the pain, and wait"
"Wait? Wait for what?!!?" raising my voice
"The end" Bam replied, tears welling in his eyes
The doctor gave a bit of a nod, as to say 'The end, that's right'
"No, this is fucking bullshit, do the tests again, he's a healthy man this isn't right, is this a joke?? Cause you fucking pulled it off!" I screamed as I got up
"Mrs, replied the doctor," "we a very thorough in our testing and repeated it twice"
"Calm down, said Bam.
"How can you be so fucking reasonable?! I am not going to lose you now, not like this!!"
"How long?" Bam Asked
"Few months, possibly 6"
Scene eight: Later that day. Castle Bam
"Few months possibly 6" ringed in my ears. How is this possible? I was more angry than anything right now. Doctors..pfft what do they know? We have the best medical facilities in the world, starving kids in Africa get on with their lives and they have nothing, yet no one can save 'Mr BAM MARGERA?' the worldwide famous pro skater? It's like letting the Pope die. It's just unheard of. Good people like this just don't die, Bam has this force field around him, he's always protected and safe. He always comes through, no matter what happens, cause He's Bam.
He's okay. Look at him. He's a healthy man. He's my MAN. His bones are not riddled with cancer, and he does not have a tumour on his spine.
How could we not know about this? How can a sore back turn into a life sentence?
How can a rusty nail give you a blood disease? How can God think it is okay to take one of his finest creatures?
The questions, anger and hurt swim around in my head for days.
Naturally, everyone was shocked, and it particular Bam fashion, Ape thought he was joking.
But in actual fact this was no joke. Dunn broke down like you would never believe, you have never seen a man cry like that.
As Bam and I lay in bed that night we talked about his fate.
"I don't want to lose you, this is tragic. You're my life Bam'
He seemed quite calm, I don't know how he does it, if it was me, I'd be an absolute wreck.
"I'm scared babe, but then you look at my life, look at us, look what we have achieved, people with 10 lifetimes don't get to do the things we have, I guess when your numbers up.."
"your numbers up?" I said, choking back the tears. "Your number is not up, cause you are my number, me and you against the world Bam remember?, things will get better I refuse to let this happen to you"
Scene Nine. Location Castle Bam May 29th 2006
It's funny, how time becomes the most precious thing in the world. It's been over a month now since the diagnosis. We have our good days, we will be laughing and carrying on, then for a second you forget about what was happening to us. The it hits you in the face like a mack truck, you get that feeling in your chest as it tightens because it hurts to breathe and you cry like you never cried before because every day the end draws closer and closer. Bam now walks with a walking frame now, his bones are now totally riddled with the cancer as it is more aggressive than first thought and it makes it harder for him to move around, he fashioned it himself, he is quite proud of it, he always tries to look good, silly boy.
But then there are days, when you aren't afraid, you look on the other side of things and think just what your life would be like if he wasn't in your life, and how much worse you would feel, and you accept the fact that this was just indeed the circle of life.
He feels bad for the fact that ultimately, one day he wont be able to give me the life I deserve, and that he his a burden on me and our marriage of only a few months.
He tells me not to worry, he knows I'll be okay, even in the darkest hours he still sees the positive side of things and that he is always looking out for me.
Scene ten: Location Castle Bam June 14th 2006 3.17am
I didn't know beforehand that this would be a changing day.
I didn't know that this could be the end.
I didn't know that I could infact today lose the one I love.
I saw Bam's slumped body at the bottom of the stairs. He had fallen and had gone pale, trying to get a drink of water in the middle of the night.
"No no no, don't leave me now, you can't do this to me now, Bam, BAM wake up just hang on please !!!" I cried, holding his head, gasping for breath he's magnificent eyes flickered and then shut.
The emergency crew arrive nine minutes later, he had more wires and hooked up to so many machines "what's happening, is he still breathing is he alive??" I asked frantically, tripping over my feet trying to get closer to him..
"He's still breathing Mam' but we have to get him to hospital RIGHT NOW"
Ape and I stood in the doorway of his hospital room listening to the breathing machines do their thing.
"what have I done to deserve this? My son, My beautiful boy, a mother is not supposed to lose her child like this" as Ape collapsed on the floor. I sat on the floor with her, holding her hand, but the comfort I offered did little, she's loosing the apple of her eye, as was I, and there wasn't anything we could do.
The doctor explained due to the condition of the fall Bam had endured, had dramatically reduced Bam's time here on Earth.
Scene eleven: Location Castle Bam June 18th 2006
Bam arrived home four days after the fall, he was gradually improving and regaining his strength bit by bit, he wanted to be home, hospitals are so sterile he needed to be around familiar surroundings right now, so we all believed this was the best place for him – Home.
Scene twelve: Location: By the lake July 21st 2006
It was my birthday, and knew it was the last one we would share together. I drove Bam to our favourite spot, by the lake's edge, he was now confined to a wheelchair.
We sat there listening to the birds and the gentle winds licked our faces.
I sat and thought, he is amazing, he held on for my birthday, as I clutched his hand. His skin now grey and pale, the deepest of blue oceans now dried from his eyes, his strength and his courage fading, I knew he couldn't do it much longer. For I had seen the rise and fall of Bam Margera. My love.
Scene 13: Location. Bam's bedroom July 23rd 2006 11.40pm
The darkness and quietness of the room felt like a heavy blanket. I held Bam in my arms, as his final breaths left his body and he whispered gathering his last breaths "I'm going to go now"
"But I don't want you to, please I love you, I can't do it without you, I need you, please Bam stay a bit longer, I don't want you to go, I don't want you to go"
By this stage I was a mess, crying so badly I couldn't stop.
Holding my loves head in my arms, wiping the hair from his beautiful face, "I love you"I whispered, as Bam cracked a small smile and took his final breath. He was only 27.
This wave of calm came over me and I held Bam in my arms until the sun rose, it was a beautiful day.
Scene fourteen: Location: St Mary's Church July 30th
The world today mourned the loss of one of the world's finest and inspirational young men, Bam Margera lost his fight last week after a short battle with a rare bone cancer, he will be laid to rest here today at St Mary's followed by a private burial here in his home town of West Chester..(the news report in the background)
I wrote Bam a letter, placing it on his coffin. All the things I didn't get a chance to say.
Bam my love,
I miss you so much, but I know you will be ripping it up in heaven. I can't believe you are gone, and it was me that got to spend your final moments with you I am truly blessed.
I cannot bare the thought of not waking up to you each and every morning, or the way your arms are around me when I am asleep, or how one of your hugs would make me feel so safe. Your beautiful and passionate kisses, the way you hold me when you make love to me or when you would look at me as if I was the most beautiful thing in the world.
Your snore that comforts me in the night that lets me know you are still there and wouldn't leave. The hair on your gut that I spent many hours playing with, was the cutest thing in the world, the bald spot on your chin that will never fill in, the way you look over your shoulder asking me to pluck the ridiculous hairs on your back. The beautiful tattoo,that cemented things and was a sign of that this was it, and it was going to last forever.
When I would hold your hand, and just to be different, I'd hold your pinky, you always did have such beautiful hands. The way your butt would always hang out and that sweet little tuft of hair above your crack. The way you would tower over me because you were so tall, but I always felt protected and safe cause I know I was with you,
The lazy Sunday drives, wether it was having a picnic or just laying on the grass the memories we shared, or having a cosy night in under the sheets with a lame video
How you would always trip over your feet.
How even looking at you just takes my breath away.
How you are so smart, in so many more ways than I am.
How I hoped we would grow old together, you and me against the world
I love you Bam, always have always will. Even before I met you, I knew you were somewhere waiting for me I'm sorry it's hard to breathe when your not around. I don't know where I am, I am lost without you. Not only have I lost my best friend, my soul mate, my lover.
I don't want to wake up and spend another day without you in it.
How can I continue living when the best part of me has died?
Scene fifteen: Location Castle Bam June 6th 2049
So here I am. People I have loved have either died or moved on. After Bam passed away all those many years ago, I never remarried or loved again. How can you? When you only have one great love in your life, and Bam was mine. The crew and I tried to hold the Bam 'empire' together, making appearances, donations, trying to get on with our lives, but this was Bam's world, and after a few years things died down and we gave up. Nothing was going to Bring Bam back, we couldn't do his job, we did our best to keep his legacy alive, but at the end of the day, it simply did not work.
Believe it not, Vito took it the hardest, after all, he loved that little rascal, and ended up taking his own life 3 years later.
Dunn moved to Europe married, has children in which he proudly named his son Bam. I haven't heard from him in years, last time I spoke to him he still couldn't accept the fact of losing his best friend.
Raab fell in love too deeply with the vodka bottle and tragically died in a drag race.
Ape and Phil sold their house in West Chester and bought a farm in a quiet town in Australia, they couldn't cope with the media.
It's funny how one man, can influence and change so many peoples lives, he certainly enriched my life for the better.
Me, I sit here in my arm chair, my eyes a getting heavy and my heart beats its final beats.
My blue eyed angel had returned, my beautiful boy Bam, has come to take me home, and we live the life amongst the clouds that was cut so short.
I am still Bam's girl.