Quick one-shot I wrote today (unbeta-ed so sorry if there are typos). Because it had to get out.
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle nor am I affiliated with any of the cast & crew; writers & producers, etc.
Her apartment was quiet.
Between the late nights at the precinct, and most of her free time spent at Castle's loft, Kate absently wondered when the last time she had a night to herself was.
When she had time to herself, period.
It was the middle of the afternoon and she was on call but her cell phone hadn't ringed yet, and she didn't know whether she wanted it to or not.
As she lay in bed, curled up on her side and a pillow clutched to her chest, Kate fought through the million thoughts going through her mind. She had been so busy lately that she didn't have much time to stop and think, but it had all changed now.
Now she couldn't stop thinking.
About her relationship with Castle, her job, her mom, Bracken, her life...
She had been too busy being in love to realize that all of her insecurities, far from being gone, had simply lay dormant until she would be too exhausted, her defenses obliterated to prevent them from rushing back.
But they were coming back to bite her in the ass now.
Kate stared at the books on her nightstand, wishing she could grab one so its story would distract her long enough to weave her walls back up. The strength needed to stretch her arm to reach a book, however, was failing her.
She stared at the books, cursing the tears that threatened to fall. She wouldn't cry. Not again.
There was no point in pondering the thousands of 'what if's' currently tormenting her mind.
Burke had all but hit her over the head with a book, repeating to her over and over again that drowning herself in the past was only damaging, for her as well as for everyone else close to her.
But on days like this, when her brain took control of her fears and anxiety showed its ugly head, there was nothing she could do to stop it.
Fat, salty tears escaped from already swollen eyes and rolled down her cheeks and nose, dropping quietly on her comforter.
Kate curled up tighter and hid her face in her arms, willing to swallow back the sobs she knew were coming.
The first one startled her, so loud it shook her slender frame as it forced its way out. Soon she was flat out crying, her hands pushing into her eyes in a last desperate attempt at getting herself back under control.
Her walls may had been broken down but, on days like this, she felt like her soul had been shattered from the inside out as well.
Every piece carefully glued back together in therapy had been slowly but steadily torn apart ever since the day she resigned; the night she made a deal with her mother's murderer; the night she saved Bracken's life.
Another piece had cracked when her partner was framed; when his daughter was kidnapped and he told her he'd never forgive her if she made a promise she couldn't keep.
Kate's hand shook as it hovered over her phone. It had been vibrating earlier with upcoming text messages from Castle.
Checking the screen through blurry eyes, a teary chuckle escaped her as she read the messages.
She debated answering or not when a warm hand snaked over her shoulder and smoothed down her back, making her jump. "Shhh, it's just me."
Kate sighed and let herself be pulled into the writer's comforting embrace. She sniffled and managed to her the tears under control for the first time that day as Castle shifted her in his arms until she was cradled tight against his chest.
Castle didn't say anything as her body shivered and her breath hitched in her chest. He kissed her tears as they fell, his hands soothing as he held her head over his heart.
There was nothing he could do on days like these, she explained to him whenever his tears unfailingly joined hers. So he held her until it passed, whispering stories, every single one of them sillier than the next one, hoping it would break through her agonizing mind.
He'd keep her close to him, enough that they could take comfort on each other's heartbeat until she'd fall asleep, thoroughly exhausted. He'd tuck her in bed and stay with her all night and, when she'd wake up early the next day and pretend none of it had happened, he'd let her.
Because he knew it was the only way she'd reach out the next time it would happen.