INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER 2:

OVER DRAMATIC AND OUT OF CONTROL

CHAPTER ONE: MONDAY

Another new journal already. It's hard to believe, it feels as if it was only yesterday that I was scribbling nasty things in my old one. I fancy this new notebook even more than my old one, though. It's a blue metallic with my name on it. Tom got it for me when he was out shopping. As much as it kills me to admit this, this time he really had style. Now only if he could put that style into his wardrobe. A plaid shirt with a yellow tie is not fashion. I am not saying that I am the fashion police or anything. Those assholes piss me off; especially that Stacy cunt and that Clinton douche. Now those are two people who need to be strapped into chairs and beaten with car mufflers. I heard about those two worthless cocksuckers online. Apparently, they have some kind of fashion show. I've seen the show, and let me tell you folks, I wouldn't even wipe my ass with it. They suck at dressing people, they can't even dress themselves for fuck's sake! The things that they consider, "trendy" and "stylish" I wouldn't even wear in the privacy of my own bedroom. I hate those assholes, even though I do watch the show from time to time. Such shit on American tv, no wonder the country is going to shit. They take advice from assholes like that! Goddamn. I am happy that we don't have shows like that; we have shit, don't get me wrong, but at least I don't have to see Stacy and Clinton. Such a positive way to start off a new journal.

.....

Tom was reading what I wrote in here! What the fuck? I thought that he was all about privacy and all that shit. It was all a fuckin' show and a dance. I walked into my room when I caught him fingering my notebook. "What the hell are you doing fuck-touch?!" He sets my notebook down on my bed. "Nothing. Why did you write such nasty shit? I thought that I told you your new notebook was to record your thoughts, not shit bomb everybody." "Those are the kind of thoughts that I have , Tom. If you don't like the kind of things that I think, then keep your beak out of my shit." Tom gives me a look; he looks like my mum when he gives me that face. "Do you really think that I look dumb?" "Yes, Tom. That stupid plaid shirt and tie shit that you do really annoys me." "Is that all?" "Yes." That is all that I can think if to tell him! I'm sure that I will have more thoughts on his bogus fashion sense later. "That's good to know." He says finally. "I'm surprised that I didn't find a much more graphic entry in there." Tom doesn't know me like he thinks he does. I am not full of just fuck offs and blow mes. "I will leave you to your thoughts, then." Tom leaves, closing the door behind him.

Now that he is gone, I can go back to writing nasty thoughts in my notebook. He thought that I was going to use it for the greater good and now I am using it to destroy everyone that I hate. HA HA HA HA!! Now that Tom has pissed me off, I can continue on writing my thoughts about him. What haven't I covered yet? Those fuckin' glasses he wears! Jesus! Who the fuck does he think he is with those little horn-rimmed glasses? He looks like a gay. Light in the loafers, whatever you want to call it. I hate to be seen in public when he has that yellow tie, plaid shirt and the glasses look going on. Did I mention the pants that he wears with the rest of that ensemble? He wears pants so tight that you can see his ball bag. What I want to know is how he gets into those pants! They are skin tight! And they come to the area above his ankles. And to top off his ensemble, he wears high wooly socks with checkered Vans sneakers. Then there was this one time that he had a pair of jeans that was so tight, his ass had cleavage. Yeah, you heard me. HE HAD ASS CLEAVAGE! I'm gonna go throw up now. And when I am finished with that I am gonna toss all the shit Tom has in his wardrobe into the bin outside.

Back to the subject of clothes, you'll never believe what just happened! Danny and I were on our way back from coffee when a small child came up to Danny and said, "I like your pants. They are all sparkly! I have a pair of pants like that at home. Where did you buy them?" I had to hold onto a post box to keep myself from falling over. "Isn't that nice?" Is all that Danny can say to the small girl. Yes, a small girl said that to him. As soon as we got home I raced to Tom and Harry and told then what happened. I thought that Harry's spleen was going to explode he was laughing so hard. Mother of God! Even Tom joined in on the obnoxious laughter party and he usually doesn't RSVP it. Danny didn't find it too cute. He clonked all of our heads together and huffed off to his room. Really, what was that for? It was funny. I know that he would laugh if that happened to me.

And then he would have rang all his dim-witted mates and told them about the incident. I don't want to hear any shit from him. He knows that he is calling the kettle black. And if he doesn't I think that I should sent my foot up his ass to remind him of what he is doing. You know, to be a good mate. I should write a book of advice. What do you think? I think that it would work out rather well. I think I will call it "Advice Given From A Giant Asshole." I bet it would be on the New York Time's best seller list and I don't even live in New York City! That is how good book will be. I must go now, Tom is telling me to quit diddling myself and help out with dinner. Bothers. Doesn't have have servants for this kind of shit?

....

I have made the best invention ever! All of the lonely blokes in the world are going to thank me as soon as the idea goes international. It's one of those ideas to help you avoid a night of no romance. You have a mattress with a hole cut in it and the hole is filled with lotion. You fuck the mattress, but it doesn't feel like you are fucking a mattress, it feels real. And the best part of the whole thing is, when you are gettin' your groove on with your mattress, it sounds as if you are fucking someone. The bed moves and makes moaning noises for you. It sounds so real that you can fool all your mates into thinking that you are getting some. I should know, I tried it out last night.

It was about 10 p.m when I got the horny horn calling. I needed to get off, but I wanted to think of a more creative way to wank it. I didn't want to have a hand party, so I had to think of other ways to get myself off. Asking Danny to put a blind fold on and jerk me off is not an option. We did that once and it was really awkward; Especially when Tom caught us. I will go into details on that later.

I look around the room in search of something. I glance at the bed. What if I fuck the bed? Is that really possible? There is only one way to find out. I dive for the bed with a steak knife in hand. I happened to have a knife in my bedroom because I had dinner up here last night. I thought I'd tell you in case you were wondering. I cut a perfect hole in the mattress and look into the hole. Ooh, I don't want my dick rubbing up against material like that. What to do? I can't just leave the mattress with a huge fuckin' hole in it. Then it hits me that I would need lubrication because this thing doesn't have any. I remember the lotion that I bought a few weeks ago and pour some into the hole. I rub it around with my fingers. I'm making myself even harder by doing this. If my dick gets any harder, I think that it is gonna break off. I am pulling my fingers out of the hole when I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. Oh, God in Heaven don't let me get caught!

Thankfully, the footsteps go past my room. There's a first. I thought that I was going to be caught fingering my mattress. What would the gang say to that? I don't even want to think like that. I unzip my pants and get ready for action. I'm just about to get myself inside of the hole when I hear Danny's tv turn on. IT"S FUCKIN' LOUD!! I don't want to say anything and risk having him come in here. I ignore it and get back to business. This is AWESOME!! And I didn't have to do any work to get such great pleasure! I think that it is why this feels so goddamn good. I'm getting into my routine, but with each pelvic thrust the bed bumps against the wall. I've put too much into this to stop now! The bed keeps on bumping as I keep on thrusting.

"Quit fuckin' the mattress! I'm trying to watch the fuckin' tv!!" I hear Danny shout from the other room. "I'm not fuckin' the mattress!" I call back. The volume on the tv has been muted; that is not a good sign. "What are you doing in there?" "I can't have sex in this house anymore?!" There is a silence from Danny. I pull out my tape player and slip in "Alone Time Pleasure." It's just a tape of women moaning to help a guy get off. I turn it up and go back to my thrusting. I think Danny is gonna buy this one! "Well, keep it the fuck down! You sound like two apes humping or something!" The volume goes back up on the tv. HOORAY! I outwitted Danny. I'd better knock this scrade up before someone walks into my room. Other than Danny's little interruption, I think the whole thing went over really well.

-THE THOMAS EDISON OF THE CENTURY, DOUGIE POYNTER