;""i Title: A Rush of Blood to the Head
Pairing: Pezberry, Brittana, Faberry
Rating: M
Spoilers: Up to Journey.
Summary: What happens why your first love comes back to win your love?
Disclaimer: These characters belong to FOX.
A/N: This is from a prompt on the angst_meme. These will alternate points of view of all four girls and then maybe Beth!
You don't expect it. It's literally the last thing that you've ever expected. When Brittany left you at the end of senior year, you had this immense feeling that you'd never see her again; yet here she is. She stands in front of your desk and you're shocked. You don't know how she found you. You expect it's through one of your friends. You were planning on seeing one of the troubled kids, help them with their problems. You didn't expect your own to be brought up. She's older, but God she's gotten more beautiful. You can feel your heart beat faster for her. You can't say anything. You just stare at her as if she is a dream. You stopped having dreams about her once you moved back to Lima.
"Hey San." Her voice is the same. It's light and you know if you let it, could make you feel on top of the world. "Aren't you going to say hello to me?" She asks it so innocently, almost as if the last six years didn't happen.
You can't really help but smile and say a polite hello. After all, she was your first love. It feels awkward to you, but she doesn't seem to feel that.
"Can I sit down?" You nod once you realize you haven't left your seat. Her eyes dart around your desk and a small frown appears on her lips. "Who's this?" She asks picking up one of your picture frames. You smile a little seeing which picture she picked up.
"That's Beth," you can see her eyebrows rise. She doesn't ask though, because you know she knows. You know that she left you when Quinn left Rachel. "She's grown up so much." You say quietly. She's eight now and you love her more than anything else in the world.
"She looks it." You take the moment to fully take Brittany in. Her hair is still long and her blue eyes hold so much more emotion than before. Her clothes are still mismatched, but she makes it work. Brittany's always had her own style. "How is she?"
"She's great." You say with a smile. "She loves life."
"San, I needed to find you," she says after a minute before placing the picture frame back down. "I am so sorry for what happened. I'm so sorry I left." The emotion in her voice makes it real again. All the hurt and angst you went through when she left comes rushing back.
"Brittany," Her name feels weird upon your tongue. You haven't said it in years. It seems strange and awkward.
"No, Santana, listen to me." She says more diligently, her hand reaches over to grab yours and you let her. "I was scared, but I'm not anymore. I still love you." Her voice sounds pained and you resist the urge to pull away your hands.
"Brit, I can't," You say quietly. You don't want to hurt her feelings, but she left you. She left you with just a note with "goodbye" written on it. That's not something you can just forgive and forget.
"San, I love you." You move to pull your hand away but she grips it harder. "I know that we are it. You're it for me." You want to respond but as soon as your mouth opens, the door swings open.
"I swear to God, you get to have the next on-" The rant is cut off once your wife sees Brittany. She looks radiant, beautiful, and huge. Her stomach is popped out, waiting to give the world a new life. "Oh," she says quietly and you yank your hand away from Brittany.
"Brittany. You remember Rachel," You say more authoritatively. You smile at her, giving her you hope a small sense of relief. "My wife."
Seven years previous:
"What the fuck do you want, Berry?" You spit out. You know she doesn't deserve it, but you're too pissed to care about how fucking Rachel Berry feels. Brittany's left you and nothing seems to matter anymore. Why should anything matter anymore?
"I'm sor-sorry," She says shivering. It seems ironic that it's raining. You look her over before you realize that Beth's in her car seat sheltered by what you assume is Rachel's jacket. "Quinn left me. She left Beth and me." She says and you can tell she's about to cry. You let out a long sigh before pulling Rachel's arm and dragging her inside.
"Go get some clothes. My bedrooms the second to the right," You say before taking the car seat into the living room.
"Why don't you come with us?" She asks you one night when you're finishing helping cook dinner with your papa. She's made herself welcome in your home. Your parents love her and Beth. The way she asks it is so innocent and nice. "Maybe together we can make it." You feel like slapping her for thinking this could all turn out all right.
"Rachel." You've resigned yourself to using her first name. Your mother hit you on the back of your head last time you called her Berry. Friends call friends by their names Santana.
"Beth adores you and if we both got jobs, we could do it." She says pleading with you. A part of you knows that she doesn't want to be alone, but the other part of you knows she doesn't want you to be alone. The summer is almost over and her dads have sold their house. She has nowhere to go and she needs help with Beth. You've both been working this summer to support Beth. It seems strange to you how you've become family with Rachel Berry in less than three months.
"Fine, but only because of the little squirt." You both know it's because of her.
"Are you ready?" She asks you quietly, her hands shaking as they strap Beth into the car seat. You can't believe that she's going to be two and a half in little less than two months. You reach over and help her out, a small smile playing out on your face as Beth smiles.
"Are you?" You ask with a small chuckle before getting in the front seat of car. You're never letting Rachel drive again if you can help it. Not after she almost killed you the first time you drove together.
"I'm nervous." She admits sliding in the seat opposite yours. Your grandparents bought you this car as well as the apartment you'll be living in once you get to New York. Her dads agreed to pay the rent until you both found jobs.
"Don't worry, you'll take Broadway by storm." It's the truth and you've resigned yourself to telling her the truth. It's been months since she came to your doorstep. You can't lie to her anymore. "If you don't, then I'll just kick their asses."
She smiles a little at the comment but you know she's still upset. You don't talk about Quinn or Brittany with each other. It just hurts too much. You know she's hurting more. She has the every day reminder in Beth of what she lost. You also know she won't let that little girl go without a fight.
"Rach." You say quietly once you're on the highway. She won't look at you. She's crying and damn, it hurts you when she does that. "Come here," you say, your arm reaches around her shoulders, pulling her into your shoulder. The drive to the city is quiet for the next hour and you try not to focus on how good it feels to have her in your arms.
"Santana!" You rush to Beth's room and sigh in relief when nothing looks wrong.
"What the hell Rachel? You scared me half to death." You know you shouldn't be swearing in front of Beth, but she doesn't berate you for it. Instead she just smiles wider.
"She said it!" The smile on Rachel's face is almost breathtaking, but you force yourself to take deep breaths to keep from smiling along with it. "She said it, San! Watch!" She turns her attention back to the two and a half year old that's playing on the ground. Beth had just in the past week found out about larger words. Every single thing that you said she would absorb like a sponge. You'd never admit that it was adorable. "Come on Bethy, say it for Rachel."
"Wick-it" She slurs out, not interested in anything but the toy in front of her.
"Hmm?" You say trying to seem uninterested.
"One more time Bethy," She says sending a wide smile your way. "Once more for Sanny." You hate the nickname so incredibly much, but you just let it slide.
"Wick-it" She says loudly clapping her hands together. All of a sudden you get it and a smile not only goes to your face but to your eyes.
"Wicked?" You ask, your arms uncrossing. Rachel seems to jump up from the floor, a wide smile on her face.
"I got it!" She almost screams in her excited state. You don't remember how but all of a sudden she's in your arms and you're kissing her. Once you do realize it, you don't stop and she doesn't either.
"Mama. Look! Look!" Beth says grabbing your hand. You've tried for weeks to get her to call you Sanny again. It doesn't work. You've become Mama and Rachel is Mommy. You want to slap the shit out of Rachel for letting her watch TV shows and interact with other kids. How the hell does a kid find out about parent's names? "Look! Look!" She says more excitedly. You don't secretly get a thrill every time she says it.
"Hmm?" You hum as she drags you around the park. Once Rachel got the role on Broadway, you quit your job so you could stay home with Beth. The eighteen year old you would have hated it, the nineteen year old you doesn't mind it so much. Beth is three and the whole world's her playground.
"Ducks Mama!" She says excitedly and your heart drops. You allow yourself to be dragged to the pound, praying that Beth doesn't get any ideas about wanting ducks in her room. "Can we feed them, Mama? Please?" She asks politely, one thing that Rachel had been great at was raising a polite child.
"I don't have any bread, squirt." You say, hoping that it'll be the end of it. Instead she gives you her best pouting look and you swear she looks exactly like Quinn. You'd never admit it to Rachel, but it hurts you too to think about Quinn leaving. She had been one of your best friends and then she left.
You hope to never see her again. You'd never let her get near Rachel or Beth again, not after what she did to them.
"But Mama!" She complains loudly. You feel your cheeks heat up; you're not the one for discipline. Rachel usually does that part.
"Elizabeth!" You whisper to her quite loudly. Rachel would be proud of how far your stage whisper had come. "Please stop."
All of a sudden the wind blows and she sharply changes directions. "Mommy!" She yells and wiggles her hand out of yours. You know you should punish her, but the sight of Rachel almost makes you freeze. "Mommy!" She says again as soon as she's in Rachel's arms. You don't run to Rachel, because that would be loser-ish and you are not a loser.
"Hey," She says with a small smile. Things have been a bit awkward between the two of you lately. Ever since the kiss and the "mommies" thing, you're not sure exactly where the two of you stand.
"What are you doing here Mommy?" Beth asks excitedly as Rachel puts her down.
"I came to see my two favorite girls." She says with a bright smile to Santana. "What were you guys doing?" She asks looking down at Beth. For a moment you pray that Beth doesn't tell her about the ducks. You don't want Rachel's pity.
"We were going to feed the ducks!" Of course.
"Oh," Rachel says quietly before kneeling down in front of the small blonde. "How about we go to the park instead?" She asks quietly, her hand still intertwined with Beth's.
"But Mommy, I wanted to see the ducks," she complains, the same pout on her lips.
"I know you do Bethy." Rachel says slowly as if taking everything in. You can feel yourself shake as you stand above them. You don't think you can handle the ducks, not right now. "But seeing the ducks hurts Mama's feelings. Do you understand?" she asks quietly as Beth's eyes reach yours. She looks at you with much more knowledge and knowing that she should. "How about this, you and I will go feed the ducks this weekend, but now we'll go to the swings? Alright?"
"OK Mommy," she says before taking your hand. "I'm sorry Mama, we don't have to go see the ducks." She says giving your hand a small squeeze as if she's comforting you. You feel like laughing, but at the same time you feel like crying. As soon as the moment's over, Beth is bounding off in front of you.
"Are you OK?" Rachel asks you, a questioning look in her eyes. You don't know how to thank her, so instead you slip your hand into hers and nod your head.
The first time she brings it up you're twenty. Beth is four and a beautiful child. You can't imagine a different life anymore. Rachel's almost done with Wicked and you've gone back to school to be a psychologist. Beth goes to preschool during the day and she's begun to have sleepovers, which allow you and Rachel to become closer. It's after a fight and you're still incredibly upset. You don't remember why the fight started but it had ended with you telling her that Beth isn't even hers. Technically Beth's not either of theirs. As soon as you had said it, you had regretted it. It was only fair for Rachel to be able to slap you, so you didn't stop her. You didn't even stop her when she walked out on you.
By the time she returned, you were sobbing into one of your pillows. When you had first moved into the apartment, you had shared a room with Rachel with different beds. Once you two became, well, something, you had suggested a king sized bed for the two of you and Rachel had positively beamed. You can hear her consoling you, her fingers pushing your hair out of your face. You haven't cried like this in years, and you won't again for years. When she walked out that door, all you could think about was how Brittany had never came back. You had been absolutely terrified you had lost the best thing that had ever happened to you, all because of something stupid you had said. "I'm so sorry, Rach," you sobbed as she just nodded and brushed away your tears.
"I'm not Brittany." She said quietly and you swore she could read your thoughts. "And you're not Quinn." The facts were simple but they hit you like a brick. She can't leave you; she wouldn't take Beth and leave. She loved you, didn't she? "That's okay. I don't want you to be Quinn, because I love you, Santana Lopez," She spoke quietly before kissing you. You sobbed because you were so relieved.
"I love you. I didn't mean everything I said, especially about Beth." You say kissing her again.
"I know, but you're right." She sighs softly, her eyes closing you off for a moment. "But what if she was? I mean she's abandoned her for more than a year. I did some research and we can legally file for legal custody. Quinn hasn't paid support or even contacted us. She's revoked her rights to Beth. Anyways when I was with her, Noah signed the papers to give up his rights because I was going to adopt her. All we need to do is go to the court house and legally be together and then Beth would be ours."
"Legally be together?" You ask trying not to smile through your tears. It's so funny to you how she can make you cry one moment and then elevate you to the top of the world the next. You're the one that wants to ask. You want to make it special, but you can't imagine anything more great than right now. "Rachel, you want to marry me?"
She nods sheepishly, almost embarrassed. "It would just be for Beth's sake."
"Jesus Rachel, I'm trying to ask you to marry me and you're all self-conscious." You say laughing. "You're such a dork."
She smiles through the tears and manages to nod. "Says the one marrying the dork." You spend the rest of the night showing her how much she means to you.
"Mama?" Beth asks you when she's six. You're graduating from college in the spring and you have no idea what you want to do with your life. "Why do I have blonde hair?"
You take in a deep breath and silently thank God that she didn't ask Rachel. "Because, baby, God saw that Mommy and me had brown hair and thought that you'd be a perfect little angel for us." You say making it up on the spot. Rachel's better at this type of thing, but you won't be Santana Lopez if you weren't good at everything.
"Bobby says my daddy must have blonde hair, but the I told him that I don't have a daddy. Then he said I was stupid because everybody has a daddy and a mommy. So then I called him stupid and kicked him." You feel an ounce of parenting sneaking up, but an overload of pride hits you as well. Of course your little girl can stand up for herself.
"Baby, why don't we go sit down," You take her hand into the living room. You know you should tell her the truth but you don't want to upset her. "When you were just a baby, you had a daddy, but I wanted you so badly so your daddy let me have you." You say softly, hoping that this can be the end of it.
"But why couldn't you share me with him?" she asks and you want to throttle Rachel for teaching her sharing.
"Because your Daddy had to go away for a bit, so he knew that Mommy and Mama would take good care of you."
"But why?" You hands clench together. You hate that word and it's Beth's favorite.
"Because it's that way!" You exclaim, rubbing the bridge of your nose together. "Aren't mommy and I enough for you?" You can't help but ask.
"Yeah. That's what I told Bobby."
You don't get nervous. No, you're not sweating as you walk down the isle. You don't feel your heart race when the music starts and she doesn't show up. You don't secretly glance towards Beth in hopes she knows something you don't. You don't sigh in relief when she rushes down the lisle towards you with both dads at her side. You don't feel like kissing her on the spot, because you're Santana fucking Lopez and this is your future. You give her a cocky smile in hopes that you can convince her that you're not nervous. You know it doesn't work when she covers your hand with her own. She mouths, "I love you" and you can't help but smile, but this time it's for real. You really don't hear what the preacher's saying until Tina bumps you lightly on the shoulder. The moment is beautiful and Rachel's crying.
"Oh, right," you sputter lightly, taking the vows from Tina. You look down and realize that none of the words really matter anymore. You could tell Rachel all the things you love about her and how she's the best thing in your life. Instead you pull her in and kiss her for all your worth. You hear Finn and Artie making catcalls while your mother sighs. "I love you. I chose you."
That night your dreams are filled with you and Rachel.
"I want to move back to Lima." The sudden appearance of your wife and the outburst has you confused and shocked. Beth is at school and your wife should be out relaxing. Instead she's burst into your guidance counseling office. "Oh, and a baby." The second one has your eyes budging out of their sockets.
"Wh-what?" It's a stutter but you'll never admit it. You've just adjusted to life in the city and with Beth. You've finally fallen into role in the city and now she wants to move?
"Oh, I'm sorry." She says flipping her hair back before giving you a chaste kiss on the cheek. "Hello Santana." She says before sitting down in the desk designated for students. For a moment you can see her as Rachel Berry, the girl with no friends and your heart breaks. But then you see her as this Rachel Lopez a radiant Broadway star that has earned a Tony. "Mr. Shuester, or I guess Will, has decided to take an early retirement and I have been offered the position."
You're shocked that she wants to go back after everything that happened there. "Lima?"
"Yes, Santana. I mean I know that we've had some bad times there, but with the new major, I hear that it has become a splendid place. Kurt is actually running for office, which I think is just wonderful. Did you hear about him and Blaine?" She disregards your shaking of your head and goes back to Rachel mode. "Anyways, Artie and Tina live there as well as your parents. Don't you want Beth to be raised by family? And they have an opening for a guidance counselor as Miss Pillsbury is leaving as well."
You don't know whether to shake her or kiss her. She's such in flight mode; it reminds you of the days before her show started. She must have drunk eight cups of coffee in the morning alone. "Baby?" You ask again and she looks at you as if you're stupid.
"Yes, baby!" She says clapping her hands together. "I think it would be wonderful for Beth to have a sibling. I know that you loved your brothers and I never got to have that."
You don't know how but your head might have nodded sending your wife into a frantic.
Present:
"Oh. Hello Brittany," your wife says as she sticks out her hand and you don't know whether to be proud or upset that she's treating Brittany that way. You feel your hands clam up and you want to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.
The look on Brittany's face is heartbreaking and there's a moment where you think to reach out and hold her. No, that time is over. Brittany isn't yours to hold and you're not the one to hold her. Instead you wrap your arm protectively around Rachel's ever-large waist. "Rachel," even her voice sounds sad.
"Santana?" Rachel asks looking towards you. You smile and hope that she's not going to get upset over this later, even you doubt that she won't. Ever since she got pregnant she had been an emotional wreck, nearly sending you over the edge with her. "Are we still going out to lunch?" She asks ignoring Brittany. You smile and nod.
"Santana, wait." Brittany's voice calls you back to reality and you hate it. "Please, let's talk." She says quietly, begging you with not only her eyes.
You can feel Rachel's brimming eyes on your back and you're stuck. You don't know how but you're stuck. You should go to Rachel. You should walk out that door and never look back. There's something that holds you back and Rachel pushes you off of her. This isn't just Rachel being overdramatic. This is real and painful.
"Fine, I'll just go pick up Beth," she spits out at you before looking at you with that look. The look of disappointment hurt and anger all wrapped into one.
You can't bring yourself to watch her leave. "Brittany." You don't want her here. Your life was so simple without her in it. You fell in love again and now you're close to ruining because of her. "Can you just leave?"
"San, please." Her voice is small and you don't see it coming when she stands up to try and hug you. It reminds you of the first time she rejected you in the hallways. The pain still feels fresh when she tries to do it again. "I love you." The difference is this time she tries to kiss you. You don't stop her until she's succeeded. You feel like a cheater and you don't know what possessed you but you've slapped the blonde.
"I'm married!" You exclaim angrily. "I'm married and you left me," You can't help but add it in. It's true; she only seemed to want you when she couldn't have you. Rachel wanted you when no one else seemed to. "I love Rachel." You hate that you sound like you're trying to convince yourself and not the blonde.
"Please Santana. I need you," you don't slap her again, but leave instead. "I love you.:
When you reach the parking lot, you don't expect to see Rachel crippled over in pain. Your years of exercise after Coach Sylvester didn't fail you. You reach her in record time. "What's wrong?" She's in too much pain to be angry with you.
"There's something wrong. I think the baby's coming," She pants out before letting out a cry. You know that nothing good can happen having a baby three months early. If anything happens to Rachel or the baby, you know you'll never forgive yourself. If anything happens, there's only one person to blame: you.