Wile E. Coyote Finally Kills, Eats Roadrunner
by Fakey McFakeburger
QP News, New Mexico. After decades of frantically trying to kill the roadrunner, Wile E. Coyote finally succeeded this past Sunday. In an interview, he said he felt ecstatic. "It was the best day of my life," he said.
He said that he believed most people would have given up trying years ago. "You wouldn't believe all the things I've been through to get here. I've been shot, stabbed, exploded, and repeatedly crashed at high speed into a rock wall. I can't tell you how many times I fell off a 200 foot tall cliff with nothing to break my fall. At times, I thought about giving up. But in the end, a spirit of determination triumphed over adversity."
Coyote says he plans to write an inspirational self-help book about his ordeals. "I finally realized that I had to change within myself, before I could accomplish my external goal. I had to take a long, hard look at myself, and what I was doing wrong. What I saw astonished me. I was acting out self-defeating behavior. In every attempt to subdue the roadrunner, I used one product or another from the ACME corporation. In every instance, the product failed me. Yet I just kept buying more ACME products. When I finally saw this, I realized it was indicative of my self-defeating patterns. It became clear that I didn't really feel I deserved to get the roadrunner.
"Also, I realized I was making everything way too complicated. In the end, I just bought a shotgun, and shot the damn bird." Coyote adds, "The same determination and belief in myself that worked for me, can work for you."
A large crowd came out to the desert to see Wile E. Coyote feast on his prey. Coyote said it was very affirming to have people at last see him as successful. "For most of my life, people have just seen me as a loser. What hurt the most was that some people actually found amusement in my failures."
When asked how he enjoyed the bird, he said, "It was the best meal of my life. It was completely worth all the hard work."
Notes:
This is the same story uploaded to my facebook on April 1, 2011 for April Fools' Day. If you know my real name, please don't say in the comments.