The Misadventures of Melody-chan in Bandland
~
"Augh! It's cold!" Yelled a particularly intelligent snare name Jorge. "Damn stupid Texas weather!" Actually, it wasn't really that cold it all - only about eighty-five degrees - but anything below ninety-five is considered cold in Buda.
"We should be on the band field," remarked Ashley. So the band went outside, to the large expanse of cement that served as a practice field, tennis courts, and ROTC drill area all at once. Unfortunately, one of the snares got lost along the way. Unfortunately, it wasn't Jorge. Unfortunately, it was Jonathon, who did rimshots while the band marched out of attendance block to Set 1.
Well that was no problem. Ryan took over since he had done that same thing the year before. So nothing really bad happened.
"That was strange," said Kassi, a quad player. "Shyra was just here." A cymbal player had just disappeared.
"Where'd Elizabeth go?" Asked Jorge. The first bass drum had also vanished. In the span of fourteen seconds, the rest of the drumline, along with the better Pit players, was gone.
"Well now what are we going to do?" Remarked Jeff, the head drum major. He called an emergency officer meeting.
"Our drumline is gone. And the pit sucks, so none of them could possibly fill in those spots." Said Dan, the other drum major. He knew because he had to run through them to get to the other side of the field and conduct.
"I could play the cymbals," volunteered Melody-chan.
"You're first chair Clarinet. You can't." said Ashley, another Clarinet player.
"Well, we need the drumline back before Friday. And especially before Westlake, a major central Texas marching competition." Melody-chan said for the benefit of the readers.
"True," said Jessie. "We'll just have to find them."
"Me, Melody-chan, Melissa, and Marlena will search." Dan said, using the letter m way too many times. "You guys keep Mr. Babbitt off the field so he doesn't discover the missing percussionists." Suddenly, there came a horrified scream from the band field.
"Too late," said Melissa. The officers rushed out to the band field.
"Where's the heart of the band?" yelled Mr. Babbitt. "We can't perform without the beat!" He always liked stating the obvious.
"Don't worry, Mr. Babbitt. We'll find them." Melissa assured the short man and ushered him off the field. "Go back inside and listen to our 1998 performance of Jesus Christ Superstar."
"I think I'll do that." Mr. Babbitt said.
~
Melody-chan, Melissa, Marlena, and Dan were jammed into a really small sound room that was serving as their headquarters for investigation.
"Why are we here again?" asked Melissa.
"Because sound rooms 1,2, and 3 are occupied," said Dan.
"First order of business," said Melody-chan, beating her gavel on the stand. "I haven't practiced my district music and I'm supposed to play off today. Therefore, we have to take a long time on this investigation. Second order of business!" she rapped the gavel again. "I am under the impression that the snares are behind this fiasco."
"Why?" asked Marlena.
"Because Jorge is an idiot," said Melody-chan. Everyone was satisfied with this answer.
"Where do we look first?" Asked Dan.
"Duh, the orchestra room. Then we head for the uniform room, the secret confines of practice room eight, the sodomy room, the instrument lockers, and the pit." Melody-chan announced.
~
"Nobody here." Melissa said. The orchestra was deserted. Probably because it smells like cat pee, so they wouldn't hide in there anyway.
~
The uniform room was scattered with unused uniforms, but no missing drumline.
~
The secret confines of practice room eight, which doesn't exist, due to a glitch in the matrix, held secret grove of computers and strange gadgets, not to mention an agitated author.
"Shoo, shoo," she shooed them out and the diligent officers continue on their way.
~
"I didn't know we had a sodomy room," Dan said.
"It's that window behind the colorgaurd flags that looks like it comes from Mr. Babbitt's office, but doesn't." explained Melody-chan.
"Why is it called the sodomy room?" Asked Melissa. Melody-chan gave her a pointed look. "Oh."
~
The instrument lockers were monitored by security cameras, so nobody bothered to look there, anyway.
~
Last but no least, they searched the Pit. The pit was a giant, walled-in hole by the Library, which held a single tree. It was at least ten feet deep and was the spot where all the skaters hung out. But the Pit hung out by the Pit because the names were the same.
"Anybody in there?" Dan called. Nobody answered. "Apparently not."
"What do we do now?" wondered Melissa.
"Hey, let's talk to the percussion director." Melody-chan said in a fit of inspiration.
"Mr. Gordon, do you know where the drumline is?" The Band officers went inside and queried Chris Gordon. It was really confusing sometimes because his wife's name was Christine, and went by Chris, and there was a snare by the name of Gordon in the band. But that doesn't matter.
"The drumline is gone?" Mr. Gordon asked blankly after turning off his Blue Knights recorded c-d from their performance in San Antonio. Dan rolled his eyes.
"Never mind." Dan said. Mr. Gordon returned to his Blue Knights and resumed aimlessly beating drumsticks on his portable snare pad.
Melody-chan led the group of officers outside. "Well, where do you look now?" Marlena commented, peering around as if she could find the drumline by simply asking. Melissa shrugged.
"I've got some stuff to copy." She said, because she was an assistant librarian and usually did copy things. However, Melody-chan was head librarian and knew that Melissa had absolutely nothing to copy, but didn't say anything.
"And I've got to go practice my district music," said Marlena, who wasn't trying out at District this year.
"Don't even think about it," Melody-chan warned Dan as he opened his mouth to make another excuse.
"Hey Melody-chan, what's up?" Said Ray, the author's current crush. Melody-chan grinned stupidly. Dan took over.
"The drumline is missing," he told Ray, who wasn't in the band but was on the newspaper staff and was very cool, not to mention Middle Eastern (his real name is Rezaur!) and very cute. Especially when he wore dark blue.
"Hey, I can write and article about that. It's better than reporting on the dumb football team, anyway." Ray said, and tore up his paper concerning the stupid football players. "I'll come along." Melody-chan nodded stupidly.
Then she shook herself out of her stupid daze and continued to lead Dan and Ray in circles around the campus. Finally they ended up at the Mall, a large expanse of empty cement placed square in the middle of the school. All the Gangstas were in the middle of the Mall, flowing free-style and singing some stupid song a guy name Turtle had made up, 'La Tierras Estupidas'.
"Excuse me," Melody-chan said. "Have any of you seen a dumbass named Jorge?"
"Whore-hey? Say what? Woman, we ain't got nobody named Whore-hey around here, dog." Miguel Machado said in Gangsta-speak. "I ain't much on no mofos named Whore-hey, tell you what, dog. Dis Whore-hey chico show his ugly mofo face 'round, I pop a cap in his ass and slap dat mofo down like a beeyotch, dog."
"Thanks Miguel." Melody-chan said, though she understood little of what he had just said. "See you later."
"Talks to ya laterz, dog. I's'll yell if we's see any ugly mofo named Whore-hey 'round, dat beeyotch get his face punched in, I tell you what, dog." Miguel said pleasantly and waved goodbye.
"This is too cool." Ray said, scribbling on his notepad frantically. "We're interacting with the different cultures within the Hays campus."
"I know, right?" Dan said, using the phrase that needs to be deleted from every human mind ever. "Where to next?"
"Back to the band hall. I'm bored." Said Melody-chan, really wishing Ray would work up the nerve to ask her out, the sexy asshole, him.
Back at the band hall, Mr. Babbitt was still lost in his 1998 Jesus Christ Superstar performance, and Mr. Crane, the brass specialist, was asking where Peter was. There wasn't anybody named Peter in the band, so many presumed Mr. Crane was being mildly senile again. All three hundred plus members of the band were crammed within the medium sized band hall, conversing and generally acting like crazy people and being easily amused. After all, you have to be easily amused to be in the band.
"Penis!" Ashley yelled.
"Penis!!" Kendall yelled louder.
"PENIS!" A freshman trumpet nobody knew yelled loudly.
"PEEEEENIIIIISSSS!" Shrieked Shyra, an Oboist slash cymbal player, and the band hall burst into laughter. Ray looked a little scared.
"The penis is game is so much fun," Ashley laughed.
"HAS ANYBODY SEEN THE DRUMLINE?" Dan bellowed, and everybody shook their heads no.
"Dammit!" Melody-chan cursed.
"We did find a clue, though." Shyra said helpfully. "Jorge's snare was found hanging in the Dungeon."
The Dungeon wasn't really a Dungeon, it was a small tunnel-like area in between the Foreign Language Building and the Math Building where the snack machines and coke machines were kept, and because Hays was ghetto, they were protected from vandalism by big steel cages.
"And a couple of drum sticks were found floating in the lake." A trombone named Kevin added helpfully. He was referring to the huge puddle trapped by a cement wall and another cement wall that collected water every time it rained and stayed there for about two weeks because the drain didn't work and there wasn't anywhere for the rain to go, because the entire freaking thing was a huge depression in the ground and it was really annoying because you practically had to freaking SWIM to class, dammit.
"Hmm… I think I know where this is going." Melody-chan said. She dragged Ray and Dan over the lake and stared at the huge mucky and nasty-smelling expanse of water.
"What are we looking at?" Ray asked, still staring intently at the murky rainwater. Melody-chan shushed him and retrieved a huge metal hook from her back pocket - the one they're going to use to steal large steel grate down by South Campus for senior prank - and long stretch of thick rope. Tossing the hook into the lake, where it sank with hardly a ripple, she waited a moment before yanking hard on the rope.
Out of the lake came a medium-sized drain-cover, and to the students' surprise, the water didn't immediately rush in and swamp the clogged drain. Instead, it stayed exactly where it was, because the water was practically solid from all the mud and junk anyway. In the middle of lake was large hole just big enough for the three to jump into.
"Follow me," Melody-chan said cheerfully, and leaped into the whole, trailed closely by Dan and Ray.
Beneath the drain cover, there was a large hallway covered in small pictures and drawings. Most were crude depictions of snare drummers and quad players, sprinkled with a few cymbals and bass drummers. Melody-chan cried "Aha!" in triumph.
"Who's there?" Asked somebody from deep within the recesses of the hallway. Mr. Garza, an old percussion instructor, emerged from the shadows with a decidedly sinister look upon his face.
"Mr. Garza! I knew it would be you!" Melody-chan cried, pointing an accusatory finger at the young and rich band director. "You were lost without your beautiful little drummers of old, and you returned to retake your position! But you found all your faithful percussionists had died out and left, leaving you with pathetic trash like Jorge and Gordon! So you kidnapped them in revenge, hoping to exact a terrible demise on the revered and wise Mr. Babbitt!"
"Uh… well… yes," Mr. Garza said. "How did you know that?"
"The powers of deduction, my friend!" Melody-chan cried. "Now release our Drumline, for we shall surely fail miserably if we do not obtain them before Westlake, tomorrow!"
"Never!" exclaimed Mr. Garza.
"This is front page material," Ray muttered to himself as he scribbled more stuff on his notepad. Dan looked lost.
"Attack!" Yelled Melody-chan, and in perfect unison, exactly 325 or so band members crashed through the drain hole and shoved Mr. Garza off a large cliff into the deep abyss of That Which Lies Beneath The School. The Drumline untied and returned to their spot on the field, and the band lived happily ever after for a day or so.
And Ray still hasn't asked Melody-chan. *sigh* That foxy little minx.
~Te Ed
And so ends one of my more… bizarre stories. Hope you enjoyed, don't get sucked into the abyss of That Which Lies Beneath The School… horrid stuff, that.
~Melody-chan. Ping!