Disclaimer: I own nothing. I don't even wish to own Twilight.
He Was That Hungry
Edward was hungry. And even though he's a "vegetarian" vampire, he still hungers for blood. A vampire cannot be without his blood, so Edward went out for grocery. In the forest. To "buy" animals.
Maybe it was just the issue about animals being extinct, or maybe it was hunting season, or maybe it was just him, but Edward could not believe it when, after five hours of stalking, he could not find any edible life forms. It was all trees. And he wasn't that much of a vegetarian.
Edward removed his disguise –a small tree branch tied on his head with a leafy vine–and rose from his hiding place–a bush that seemed uncomfortably and dangerously familiar. For some reason, his forehead itched dreadfully. He stealthily conquered the steep and rocky and mossy and slippery terrain and got home safe and sound, scratching his forehead.
Without even trying, he sniffed himself and thought he had better take a nice warm bath before Bella comes home.
He walked over to the bathroom, shed his clothes, and turned on the shower. He soaped himself thoroughly, because a good vampire must always sparkle. Even his hair should sparkle so he lathered his auburn hair twice with his "Sparkly Hair" shampoo. He liked that shampoo, especially the picture glued on the bottle. It was him, smiling and nude as the day he was born, lathering his hair with shampoo. It was strange, actually, when they had taken that picture; he had used a different, rival shampoo and they had ordered him to take all of his clothes off when the picture on the bottle only showed the upper part of his body. He remembered the photographer being gay.
He rinsed then stepped out of the shower and the bathroom, drying himself off with a pink towel. Edward felt refreshed. And quite sexy, being all nude with only a towel to cover him, walking around without being embarrassed by Bella staring at him. But he was still hungry.
Edward glanced at the trash bin. He choked.
Was he really that hungry? Maybe. Maybe not. His stomach churned. Oh, yes, he is that hungry.
He reached in the trash bin and took out the only trash in it, a used sanitary napkin.
Bella saw her Edward sleeping on the couch. He looked like an angel. She kissed him on the forehead. Her lips felt hot after the contact. And itchy.
She felt a bloom of pride when she glanced at the trash bin. It was clean. Edward didn't forget to take out the trash.
A/N: Oh God, you're going to flame me, aren't you? I'm very sorry for writing this disgusting fic, but I couldn't help it; it was bugging me since, I don't know, two years ago? I first told this to my die-hard-Twilight-fan-classmate, and she told me to "DIE!" But, really, Ed's a vampire, we can't exclude that possibility. You can think all you want, but this is not bashing Edward and/or Bella (you want bashing, then read my other Twilight fic), because between all my loathing and mockery, I kinda sorta have a tiny liking towards them. I like vampires. Anne Rice vampires, to be exact.