A/N: I know there are a lot of Twilight parodies out there… but this is my take on it! Reviews are appreciated! Entertaining flames are acceptable too! Enjoy!

Of three things I was absolutely positive:

1. Edwardo was a vampire.

2. There was a part of him- and I don't know how dominant that part might be- that hated apples.

3. That I was unconditionally, irrevocably, undoubtedly, incredibly, undeniably, fantastically, amazing, definitely, crazily, possessively, in love with him. Especially since I knew him for more than 5 seconds.

I drove myself to the airport, carrying a parka. The parka was so I would blend in. I was also wearing a lace shirt.

Remember that, it has nothing to do with the rest of the story.

Renee had begged me not to go to Knives, a small town where she used to live with my dad Charles.

Flashback:

"Mom, I'm going to Knives! Truth be told, I don't know why I'm making this clearly selfless sacrifice, but someone's got to do it!" Mom had looked at me for a while and pleaded,

"Ok! Make sure you get yourself VERY well acquainted with what the town Knives is named after!"

Poor Mom, she was in denial.

I hated Knives. It was rainy all the time. I barely went outside in Phoenix anyway, making me look like an albino from lack of sun, but rain made my angst seem more depressing.

I did enjoy all those summers with Charles- I mean, Dad- though.

Flashback:

"Hi, Annabella," Char-I mean, Dad- greeted me.

"I go by Bella," I said, despite reminding him of this every single time I visited him.

"Cool."

"Cool."

"Welp, I'm going fishing the whole week you're visiting so you can have the whole house to yourself. This is a special privilege I give you every year, and I expect you to have a werewolf boyfriend when I come back," Charles said, "Also, there's knives on the counter for future reference."

"Ok," I answered.

"Ok," Charles said.

"…"

"…"

"…" I said back.

"…"

"…"

"Well, that was a nice chat. I'll be off now!" Charles called.

I hadn't made him proud yet, but who knows?

Anyway, Renee had lost her keys, her license, and her car, (typical Mom) so I had to drive myself to the airport.

Before I left, I gave her new husband Will all the emergency numbers, instructions to childproof the house and to make sure Mom didn't run away. What? He was cheaper than a baby-sitter.

Charles picked me up in his police car, baring flashing lights. I tripped on the ground, fell, got up, and then tripped again on the smooth floor and fell into his car. I get my clumsiness from my dad: as a child he used to push me down the stairs. I think my head got hit, too, which explains a lot.

As the police Chief Duck, Charles's car was beyond embarrassing. The only car more embarrassing would be an orange pick-up truck.

"Do you have a werewolf boyfriend yet?" Charles asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Well… not yet," I admitted.

"You haven't changed a bit… nerd," Charles muttered. Our family is famous for muttering, sighing, and twitching.

"Well, what if I decided to date, say, a pale person?" I questioned.

"I would disown you," Charles said quickly. Great.

"Um…" I started, not quite sure what to say to that.

"So… how's Renee? Did she get divorced from that guy Will yet?" Charles said eagerly. I flashed him a strange look.

"They just got married a week ago when I realized someone would have to watch over Renee when I'm gone…"

"Oh." Charles looked disappointed, "Well, I have a car for you! It was going to be a convertible, but since your mother isn't divorced and you still don't have a wolf boyfriend, I got you a different car."

"What kind of car?" I said suspiciously.

"An orange pick-up truck! I got it from Killy, remember him?" Charles said fondly, "He and his son Jacob Brown live in La Shove." Oh, shit, I remembered him. I was trying to get hallucinations by jumping off a cliff and injuring myself, but instead I'd accidently pushed Killy. He's been in a wheelchair ever since.

"No, I don't," I lied, my face turning bright red.

"Killy used to go fishing with me in the summer, while you stayed home to fend for yourself! Ah, great memories. That guy can kill all the fish in the lake! One time, he turned into a wolf and murdered pale people… oh, those were the days!"

Wolves and I didn't exactly see eye to eye. They always wanted to make sure I didn't date pale people.

Flashback:

"Bella, don't date an oddly pale person. Ever!" Killy cried.

"Why?" I asked.

"Imagine what would happen if one left you! There would be blank pages with nothing but the names of the months on them!"

When we got to his house, the pick-up truck waited for me.

"Gee, Dad, I… um… love it," I lied. Charles smiled, clearly happen.

"Well, I saw this junky, piece of crap car and I thought of you!" Charles explained, grinning. I absorbed the compliment and smiled.

When I got to my bedroom, I noticed it looked almost exactly the same. The only change was that he had placed garlic and a wooden stake on the window sill. Hmm…

One of the best things about Charles is that he doesn't care that much about my life. So when I sobbed, banged on the bed, and screamed, "I HATE KNIVES!" he didn't think anything of it.

Breakfast with Charles was awkward. I took over since the only things Charles can do are go fishing and watch sports. I started cooking after he burned the breakfast cereal.

I headed off to school in my truck. Holy vamp! No, seriously, what was wrong with this school? Where were the full body scanners, the torture chambers?

I introduced myself to the lady at the front desk, and she immediately loved me, as everyone always does.

"Can I help you?" she asked, smiling. Wow, I'd already made a friend. Maybe Knives wouldn't be so bad.

"Oh, I don't need help, I'm a Mary Sue and all," I explained. She gave me a strange look and went back to reading papers.

I went to the classroom. The teacher Mr. Mason gawked at me when I sat down in a random seat. It said "Sara". Obviously Mr. Mason was dazzled by my brilliance. Another friend? Jeez, I was popular.

Some guy named Eric said hi to me, obviously trying to start a beautiful romance. I sat down at his table to humor him. A girl kept chattering on and on and I blocked her out. Eric was talking too.

"-and that's when I decided no albino girl was worth my time."

"Hey, who are they?" I interrupted the girl who kept talking. I pointed in the direction of 5 impossibly skinny and pale people. They were inhumanly gorgeous. One of them had bronze hair and was like marble and looked like an angel… remember that, that description will be used throughout the whole book.

"Oh, them," the girl said, and I remembered her name was Jenna.

"They're what Stephanie Meyer wishes her husband looked like- I mean, they're the Sullens. Emmett and Rosalie, Jasper and Alice, and Edwardo, who's single. They all live with Dr. Sullen. They're all anorexic albino robbers; they're always stealing everyone's body glitter. Even the parents," Jenna explained. I didn't hear her past the "Edwardo is single" part.

"Is Edwardo the ridiculously hot one who looks kind of like a Gary Stu?" I asked.

"That's him. He asked me out, but I turned him down. Well, ok, he didn't exactly ask me out, I stalked him and he kicked me out of his house. But, really, don't waste your time! I think he might be gay. I mean, who could resist me?" Jenna cried.

I knew what I had to do. Edwardo Sullen, be prepared to be the Gary Stu to my Mary Sue- I mean, the robber to my… whatever personality traits I have!