Pain. That's all that there was. Pain. Blinding pain. It was the type of pain that could shoot through your body, attach to every nerve, and rattle you until you would go numb. I couldn't move. I was barely breathing. My heart rate was slowing down by the second. It felt as if time had stopped.
I managed to open one eye, and my vision immediately went blurry. My other eye opened and I blinked my vision clear, seeing the wreck before me. White, green, gold, and black metal was scattered around the area. Smoke rose from the ground. Small fires crackled. I almost couldn't remember what had happened until the last second.
I remembered, even though the memory was jumbled. I was in my Knightmare Frame, the Lancelot. I had crashed. Had I survived it? Or was I dreaming? Was I in Heaven? Was I in Hell? Or was it some sort of horrid memory that was trying to tell me to wake up?
Whatever the case, I still couldn't move. I could feel the breeze lightly blow past me, which caused the open wounds to sting. The crimson substance trailed down my arms. My skin-tight piloting suit was ripped in numerous places, and it wouldn't be wearable ever again. My skin was marred by soot marks, heavy amounts of blood, scars, and wounds.
And the pain wouldn't subside, not even for a moment.
Somehow, I managed to slink back and prop myself up against a wall. I was sitting upright, using the wall for support. I looked down at my legs and my boots, seeing the blood. I was the Knight of Zero.. Surely I was used to seeing blood because of the battles that I had handled before. I felt sick to my stomach after seeing it. Perhaps it was because it was my own blood.. It was my own fault that I had caused the blood to shed.
The smell of smoke overthrew my senses, and I cringed. I turned my head to the side, but that was a grave mistake. Another shockwave of pain surged through my body, and I almost yelped, but there was no sound, only a remnant of a choke. I felt so broken inside, but it wasn't because of heartbreak. It was for other reasons.
I had let Euphie down. I promised that I would avenge her death after Zero killed her. I swore my life on it. I swore by my name to the Emperor that I would kill Zero myself, even if it lead to my own despair in the end. I had been on my deathbed so many times before, but each and every time, I was saved.
Did I truly want to die? Or was it just fate that kept suffocating me, only to let go because it pitied the fact that I needed to live?
If it weren't for Lelouch's order to "live", I would be gone by now. I would be standing beside Euphie, Shirley, Rolo.. All of the ones who have died. I would be standing beside them in Heaven, observing what was happening in the real world.
It's funny, really.. I've always wondered if Heaven would be better than the real world. Most people would think so. But is it true? Or is it an illusion that God creates? That's one of those questions that I can never answer on my own. The world that I know is plagued with so many different problems that it's complicated to see through them. Is Heaven the same? Is it? Or does God purposely cause torture upon his own people to make it equal to our world?
As I let my thoughts linger, I moved my head to the side a bit more. I watched the smoke arise from my thrashed Lancelot. I watched the fires burn, eating away at the metal. I could see the key that was used to fire up my Knightmare being melted, engulfed by one of the larger flames. My career as a pilot would be over. I was sure of it.
Was this the end? Or was it just another new beginning?
The pain was overwhelming. I felt so numb.. I felt so lifeless. Though, I couldn't die yet. No, not yet. Lelouch commanded me to live. I can't break through that just yet. Why? Why can't I? What if I really want to die? Will he let me?
Of course not. That's a stupid question.
I tried to move, if even an inch. I wasn't expecting anyone to find me. I would probably be left there to die a peaceful death, in silence. Euphie would be watching me. Shirley would be grieving. Rolo would have a sad, plastic smile on his face. They would all welcome me to Heaven with open arms.
Or would they?
My bloodstained gloved hand moved up to the rock wall beside my head, and I dragged it down, slowly. The crimson substance made its mark as I tried to pull myself up, to grab my phone that was just a few feet away. It was so close, but it felt like it was miles away from my grasp. I wasn't going to allow myself to die in silence this time. No, not this time.
I didn't have enough strength to hold out, so I fell back down again. I felt as if the world were on my shoulders and it was crushing me. It was telling me to end it there, and to move on. It was telling me that happiness wasn't an option anymore in that life. It was telling me that I was useless.. It was telling me that because I was an Eleven trying to put up a mask of a Britannian Knight of the Round, I wasn't going to last much longer in that world.
No. I didn't listen to anything that the world told me. I didn't listen to a word it said.
I kept my eyes open as long as I could and grasped onto the edge of the rock wall. I kept holding on as tightly as I could to know that I was still alive. The smell of smoke started to go to my head, and the flames started dancing in my eyes as I stared at them.
Most of my Lancelot was burned away by now, charred by the raging fires. I was somewhat glad. The Lancelot was the symbol of my everlasting loyalty to Euphie, and it showed my ferocity on the battlefield. The Lancelot was mine to control.. It was everything that I needed to protect Euphie.
But in the end, I couldn't save her. I failed. I failed her.
Lelouch shot her, and I was too late. I was smiling when I saw her, but I was devastated when the bullet rang through my ears. Everything crashed down then. My everything had disintegrated into nothing.
I managed a slight smile at the memories. My grip on the wall started to loosen, and I let my hand drop to my side. Euphie would understand.. Shirley and Rolo, too. They would understand that I had to let go because of my mistake.
And this mistake had cost me my life.
My eyes slowly shut, though my heart continued to beat in my chest. The world on my shoulders started to crush me. The pain continued to spread like a tragic malady throughout my body.
Pain. All I could feel was pain as I slipped into a restless unconsciousness.