Bend Me, Break Me
(Please see end for author's notes)
I felt empty inside as I sat on the edge of the bed in "my" room of the Inn. I didn't understand. My head was reeling, his words echoing over and over and over again like a broken record in my mind. The pendant shook in my hands, my grip so tight that I could feel the chain digging into my flesh and leaving deep, red marks in my palms. It hurt, but I barely noted the pain. I was far too distracted with the things I'd been told, the things I'd been ordered to do, the ever-pressing question of why. Why now? Why this? What had changed? Why was it suddenly so important to him to do this? It felt like, only yesterday, we were something beautiful. He was everything I needed, everything I wanted, and I was the same to him. I was making plans with him. I wanted to take him back with me to Hyrule... I wanted him to see my land, to meet my people, my friends, my family, to become a part of my world. Termina would not need my services much longer, and together, he and I were going to go back to my home and grow up together and live our extended lives side-by-side.
Did that life no longer appeal to him?
I couldn't help but think, as I held the wretched gift in a desperate grip, that I had done something wrong. I had messed up in some manner, I had chased him off, changed his mind, made him realize I wasn't worth his time. After all, I was always going to be called upon to serve. That would never be an option for me. I was Farore's Child, I belonged to her, and I was to do my duty as a Hero no matter who summoned me. Be it my own country or some distant land, if someone was in need of me, I would go. Perhaps that was not a life he wanted… I found I couldn't blame him. To be left behind time and time again while I went off to save the world didn't sound like the best deal. He deserved a life of stability. He deserved a life where the one he loved was always there for him, always at his side, and not always in danger of death. How could I have ever asked him to live that life? How selfish of me! How very thoughtless and cruel. He must have thought I was trapping him. I admitted, I agreed with him now, as I thought about it more deeply. Perhaps it was a trap. It certainly looked like it.
The pendant finally slipped from my fingers and fell to the floor as I buried my head in my hands, gripping my hair.
How could I do this? How could he really expect this of me? It was absurd! Even if he did not love me as he once said, my feelings for him had not changed at all, and to command me to help with this task was…simply unreasonable. Perhaps I should just carry on with my duties as planned and turn my back on him and his endeavor. It would certainly be no less than he deserved after what he had done to me. He strung me along, he lied to me, he made me believe in something that was never there to begin with. It was he who was cruel! But yet…even as I thought it, there was no real conviction in it. No matter how I tried, I couldn't see him in a negative light. Not even for this. I couldn't erase my love for him, I couldn't see beyond the goodness and kindness in him, I couldn't deny my need for him. I would always believe him to be a selfless, beautiful, giving man, and there was no wrong against me that he could commit that would change that.
I heaved a shuddering, broken sigh, my nails digging into my scalp. What a fucking disaster.
You're not the one, Link, he had said. You're not the right person for me. It's Anju. It's always been Anju, and it's taken me so long to see it that I'm afraid I've missed my chance. Please, help me. We don't have much time left before the world ends. She could give up on me. Her mother could convince her I truly am a cheating monster, a beast that never deserved her. Don't you understand? If we are to die, I want to die with her, I want her to know I never stopped loving her, that I was always here, always waiting. She deserves that much, don't you think? Link? Link, are you listening? Please, please help me… I can't do this without you. I need you. Link…
Goddesses, the way he'd said my name over and over again, the way he'd pleaded with me, the tone that he used… He knew what he was doing. He knew the way to bend me to his will. Perhaps he always did. Perhaps, as my harsh, unforgiving fairy companion had said before she'd let me be, he had been planning this all along. He had needed help from someone but hadn't known how to get it, or who to even approach. It wasn't until he met another creature, much like him, that he'd been able to instigate his plan. After all, how often does a man trapped within a young boy's body find another just like him? It was only by the will of the Gods, and who was he to let an opportunity that golden pass him by? This had been in the works all along, and all of our time together, the precious moments and memories, were lies. None of it was real.
Or so was Tatl's opinion. But did I believe it, too? It was extremely difficult for me to see him like that, and so I did my best to tune out Tatl's words. He would never have played me like that… I couldn't believe it. When he told me he loved me, I knew that he had meant it. Perhaps he hadn't meant it with the same depth as I, and perhaps he loved me in a different way than he'd realized, but he'd loved me all the same. He had to have. I couldn't believe that all of this was for absolutely nothing, that it was one huge game and I was nothing more than a chess piece on the board.
I felt a stab of pain in my stomach, the first physical pain that had broken through my haze of numbness since he and I had spoken, and I was forced into the washroom. Whatever food I'd eaten that day was dispelled of quickly.
I staggered back into the bedroom to where I'd been seated before, wiping my mouth of excess water from when I'd rinsed it, and my gaze fell to the floor. It seemed so innocent, that small pendant nestled in the carpet at my feet. It seemed like such a harmless object, something I'd paid little attention to since the first time I'd seen it hanging around his neck. It was nothing more than decoration, and I'd waved it off from that moment forward. And yet now, it meant everything. It was the object that was shattering my reality. It was the turning point that changed my entire world. It signified the end of a future I'd never even began.
Sudden fury filled me, and I wanted to snatch up that pendant and hurl it out the window into the streets. I wanted to destroy it with my powers, dump it into the fire and burn it to ash, carve my name into it and drop it into the ocean where I'd never have to look at it again. The very last thing I wanted to do was hand it over to a hopeful, desperate, blind woman, and watch the light come back into her otherwise empty, sad eyes. I did not want to bring to life her fire while my own went out. The injustice of it all sickened me, but there was nothing else inside of me to come up. Slowly, I knelt down and picked it up again, running my thumb along the face as I sat back down. It was pretty, this pendant… Or rather, it could've been. I wish I would've asked him where he'd gotten it, or what it might have meant, or how long he'd had it, before…before now. Before I loathed it. Before I thought it was tainted and dripping with evil and actually very, very ugly. My hand tightened around it until it shook, until the corners dug deep into my palm, and with an abrupt cry of anguish, I did the very thing I wanted to do. I threw the pendant across the room with all of my might, relishing as it slammed against the wall and crashed back down to the floor. I'd heard something break on it, but I didn't care. Not right now. My whole body shook, emotion raged within me, and my hands were fisted by my sides. The broken pendant brought me a twisted sense of satisfaction.
I wanted to run from this. It would be so easy. It would be so easy to simply finish my task here and flee this city, return home to my friends and family and try to forget any of this ever happened. He could figure this out on his own, he could find a way to get to Anju without me. He didn't need me, not really. Anyone could help him do this task, and in fact, it was the responsibility of the Bombers to help citizens if they requested it. Wearing that ridiculous Keaton mask, he could go to Jim and ask that he help him with this chase. Jim could easily drop the pendant off, or any of his little lackeys, and do the back and forth that was sure to ensue between them. I was an unnecessary player, and quite honestly, I had bigger things to deal with than this.
Link… I know this is hard for you. I know you're confused. I'm sorry… I never meant to hurt you, I never meant for this to happen. You're an amazing man and I'm so grateful I've been able to know you and call you my own for as long as I have. But this isn't right for me, and I have to do what is right. Anju is my fiancée, and we are going to be wed before that moon falls. Can you truly punish me for following my heart? Please, Link… Help me… I cannot trust anyone else with this but you. He had grabbed my hands then, my lifeless hands, and held them to his chest. I'd been able to feel his heart through his shirt, racing and thudding powerfully in his chest, driven by adrenaline and a need for me to carry out his request. It's you or no one, and if you don't help me… I'll fall away to nothing. I'll disappear. Link!
I gritted my teeth together, groaning, doubling over myself as I hugged my stomach. The snake… He played me like an ocarina, he knew how to get to me, he knew what to say. There was no way I could abandon him… I couldn't let him suffer because of me. No matter how he hurt me, how he made me suffer at his hands, I could never do the same to him. After all, I loved him. I loved him with my whole heart and soul, and I did everything in my power to help those I loved. How could I turn my back on him now, when he said he needed me that desperately, when he'd never asked me for anything before, when he claimed I was his only hope? How could I let him disappear and fall away, simply because this would hurt me? That was selfish…
And so he had me.
Trembling, I drew myself up and retrieved the pendant. One of the antenna-like appendages on the top had snapped off, and so I picked that up as well and held it against the whole. I softly murmured a spell to fuse them back together, and watched as my hands glowed a gentle gold. The light fell away when it was over and I inspected my work before setting the pendant gently down on the table. It was as good as new, and no one would ever know the difference. I moved to the heavy curtains hanging over the windows and violently ripped them closed, shrouding the room in darkness, and then made sure the door to my room was firmly locked. I would deliver the pendant. I would do as he asked me to. I would help with this task, and then I would save this world. But first, I was going to rest. I desperately needed to rest…
I crawled into the bed and buried myself beneath the covers and pillows, clenching my eyes closed against a torrent of emotions threatening to burst out of me. I felt so used… I felt dirty. I felt as though my existence here was no more substantial than that of a ghost. Before this, he had made me feel like I had a purpose. He had made me feel like I wasn't the silent hero anymore. With him, my feats did not go unnoticed, my triumphs and tribulations were not gone thankless, what I suffered through was not to fade away into nothingness. My near death experiences, my wounds, my nightmares…they were all soothed by him. He quelled my fears and fought off my demons with just his mere presence. And now it was gone, ripped away from me, when my greatest challenge still stood before me. When I had to figure out how to save my dear friend, while also banishing the dark spirit that controlled him and that menacing moon.
I choked back a moan, my hands fisting into the sheets, and finally gave way to my anguish. I let the tears to pour forth and the sobs to wrench from my throat. I surrendered myself to the pain and sorrow, allowing it to control me for as long as it lasted, unwilling and too weak to stop it. And through it all, I kept saying his name over and over and over again…
Kafei.
(A/N: I know it's been a long time since I've revisited FL, and I just want to give a HUGE shout-out to all those who have fav'ed and watched me over the last few years. And for all of you who have stuck it out with this series despite how long ago it was finished. The idea for this little one-shot came to me the other night at work while I was listening to Pandora. A song by Fall Out Boy came on, from the album that originally inspired FL, and I couldn't help but crank this out. I know it's something that has somewhat been written before, but I'd like to think this is a far better representation of what Link went through. I hope you all enjoyed!
Thank you all again for everything, and please know that I still love each and every single one of you! You're all beautiful.)