This was the first fic I wrote for the 5_loves community, and the prompt was "hide your face". It's Kate & Sam, and really very sad, and I guess canon-compliant.
Already Gone Away
She grew up thinking she had a father who didn't love her enough and in the end, turns out she grew up with a father who didn't love her at all.
[see, this is why some truth are better left unspoken]
She begged him for years, to take her far far away and she always thought it was her - something deeply wrong inside, kiddo - and he always said no and he's the only one ever, the only one who's ever heard her beg and mean it. She ran out of truth around the time she ran out of hope.
[but hush, she'll never tell she used to have both]
So there's family, all around, and where is he? Where is the first man who made her cry and the one she's looked for in every pair of eyes and in every smile? Where is he to take her in his arms and make her believe everything is going to be alright?
[wouldn't buy it anyway, would she? there's no hope for people like her, anymore than there is a pair of open arms and the smell of army green]
She got her far far away - does it matter? she's been running since the day she learned how to cry - and all she wants now is something to go back to, something that tells her that had she stayed away someone, anyone but the sick creep who liked her weak and hand-cuffed, would have missed her.
[life doesn't work that way, for her, never and ever and really, hasn't she learned already? slow]
Some people are meant to run forever but now she's got an anchor, a baby boy she never saw as anything but part of his momma and what is she supposed to do with him? He burries his face on her shoulder and he smells like the sea - her throat hurts from those things she can't say. What is she supposed to do with this kid who has to be hers when she doesn't know what to do with herself.
[she thinks: this would be easier with him by my side. wrong, that. she knew before knowing he wouldn't be there. doesn't it hurt all the same?]
Before she was Kate she was a child, a scared one who wanted to run before she wanted anything else in the world and she made a promise to herself, she'd kill him, kill him and kill him again until he bled like her mommy and he never looked at her again, but she was 5 and wasn't serious, right? Right?
[see, sometimes when you win you lose and hasn't she lost enough to get some wins already?]
But: she was five and begging to be taken away and clinging - hard - to her daddy's uniform and drying her tears on his chest and he said no. The first time she wasn't enough, the day she remembers the most. She wore a pink dress and a ribbon on her hair.
[there was rain like there always is on days like this and her mommy holding her tight. that's before she let go]
There's this kid she's got, and he's tiny and sad and misses someone who's gone and can't she see herself in those eyes full of tears? Wailing and kicking and screaming and god, poor kiddo, poor Kate and she looks around and he's still not there.
[but come on, she knew that already, knew it at five and knew it at twenty-three, that he'd never take her away]
You and me kiddo, she says, and the baby is a little less heavy and she's a little more grounded and that's how it goes. On an island runway there was family waiting for them.
06/11/08