Author's Note (Monster): Hello our lovelies, these are based on an interview Johnny did. He said he was an angry drunk, Da Kurlzz said he was a horny drunk and they both agreed Danny was a sentimental drunk. Some of these are based on real life experiences. The happy drunk is based on me while the sloppy drunk is…also based on me. Those are things I've done. God, how embarrassing. Enjoy!
Author's Note (Awoken): hello! We wrote this together, we actually split up to write it. I wrote Danny and Da Kurlzz while Monster wrote Charlie and J-Dog. We wrote together on Johnny and Funny Man. God, this story is ridiculous and long. The descriptions on types of drunks are from a website. Enjoy the story!
WARNING! It's slashy and drunk, you've been warned. We own nothing here.
The Sentimental Drunk (Danny)
The sentimental drunk will spend all night telling everyone how much they love them, reminiscing about old times both real and imagined. They will also complain about how you don't hang out as much as you used to anymore.
Great, just fun-fucking-tastic! Danny was drunk. Sure, they all had a couple of beers but this one, the lead singer of Hollywood Undead, couldn't handle his alcohol quite well. He was slowly slipping away from them into an intelligible state. The five of them were having a nice drink outside the bus in the cool air of the night. It was peaceful, or so they thought. Danny was currently smoking a cigarette, wobbling on his feet like there was a fucking earthquake going on. He leaned his elbow on Charlie Scene's shoulder and supported his chin on his arm. "Ya…y'know, Chaaarlie?"
Charlie raised an eyebrow and turned his head towards his drunk friend. "Yeah?"
"I love you, man, you're the best. I really love you. I could just hug you right now", Danny rambled, getting closer with each word. Charlie slowly backed off further so the other couldn't quite reach him. J-Dog and Da Kurlzz were lost in laughter, Funny Man feeling fury as Danny shamelessly 'flirted' with Charlie. It wasn't flirting but it was in his eyes. Maybe he was just being a jealous fuck? Why did he care anyway? It's not like he liked Danny…
Johnny didn't think it was funny at ALL. He loathed Danny's drunk moments. He just kept saying I love you and kept leaning on others like they were fucking crutches. He thought it was a waste of energy. Couldn't the other actually say I love you while he was sober? That would be nice for a change. It wouldn't be so forced and fake. He really wanted to smash Danny's face right now.
Charlie actually liked it when he said those things but he hated how the other had the habit to lean closer with every word like he was about to kiss him. He weakly pushed Danny further away and chuckled. "I love you too, bro, I love you too."
He had learned not to give in to the request of the hug the hard way. Previous time Danny said the exact same thing. Charlie let him hug him but Danny didn't let go anymore. The other four had to pull him off because for some reason he was holding on to Charlie like a childhood teddy bear, mumbling 'we should hang out more' multiple times.
"No, no, no", Danny shook his head, wobbling slightly more on his legs and his head feeling dizzy and fuzzy. He cracked a silly grin. "Doooooo you remember that one day? That day…"
His sentence trailed off. Charlie's soft smile of amusement faded into confusion. "What day?"
"That day…I walked away in December. I will always remember. I'll regret it forever", Danny started singing, sending J-Dog over the edge again into a fit of laughter. Da Kurlzz just rolled his eyes at his behavior and noticed the confused face of the bandana rapper. "What the fuck, Danny? Why are you singing Circles? You aren't even supposed to know those lyrics!"
"No no, seriously though. Do you remember that ooone time where you shat your pants. What a funny word…shat…shat", Danny mumbled, completely ignoring his friend.
"I never shat my pants", Charlie weakly defended himself.
Danny tilted his head for a moment. A moment of silence, then he looked at Johnny. "Johnnyyy?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"Danny?"
"Yeees?"
"Shut the fuck up", Johnny snarled.
Danny pouted. "But I love you! Don't you love me anymore? We should hang out more! I really think we don't see each other as much anymore!"
"We're in a fucking band, idiot", Johnny sighed, flicking his head in annoyance.
Danny made a pained sound and held the sore spot on his head. "Really? What's our band called?"
"Hollywood Undead, you dipshit", Funny Man answered with an amused shake of his head.
"That's a cool name! But if you're undead, does that mean you're alive because you're like totally… un-dead", Danny thought aloud.
Johnny facepalmed and Funny Man laughed. "You dork."
Danny remained silent for a few minutes before looking at Funny Man. "Funnyyy?"
"Yeah?"
"Have I told you I love youuuu?"
"No", Funny Man grinned. He was playing a trick on his buddy. He had already told him five times that evening he loved him. He just liked how the other stroked his ego in all the right ways by saying it. Danny wobbled over to Funny Man, stumbling and almost falling into the other's arms, chuckling like an idiot. "Oh thanks, I love you! You're great. Do you remember when Deuce kidnapped me?"
"Deuce never kidnapped you, Danny", J-Dog popped up.
"Yes, he did! He raped me too. My butt still hurts", the lead singer complained, rubbing the small of his back. Funny Man laughed. "You must've dreamt that."
"No! It's true."
Another moment of silence.
"J-Doooog?"
"Yes?"
"I love youuu!"
Five sighs signaled this was going to be a very very long night and Danny wouldn't remember a single thing of it.
The Happy Drunk (Charlie Scene)
They'll laugh at everything, dance whenever they get the chance, speak in hyperbolic superlatives and generally act like they are having the greatest night of their life.
The boys of Hollywood Undead had one night off. One night in Los Angeles. The next morning they had to get up early so clubbing was immediately out of the question. Yet Funny Man still had the nerves to offer it. Just because he had absolutely no problem with hangovers. Instead Charlie offered to have a couple of drinks at his house with all six of them. They agreed and in the evening they were all sitting in Charlie's garden. A huge garden that is.
All sitting on chairs, drinks in their hands. Trampoline standing behind them. Funny Man had questioned him about the trampoline once but his only answer was "fucking bitchin', right? A fucking trampoline!". Much further they didn't get or he'd drag them on top of the thing. Johnny didn't get on it because he was scared it would rip with all six of them on it.
Charlie wasn't really going easy on the scotch. "Be careful", had Johnny warned him. But if there's one thing Charlie doesn't do, it's listen to the others when it's about drinking.
By the time it was slowly, very slowly because it was in the summer, getting dark, he was completely shitfaced. Not a little bit tipsy, but actually shitfaced enough to confirm he wouldn't remember shit. Now he was jumping around like a hyperactive bunny. "Charlie, sit the fuck down!" J-Dog yelled.
Charlie stopped dead in his tracks and turned his head to J-Dog. "…."
"What?"
"Push-ups!" Charlie suddenly cheered, getting on hands and feet in the grass and actually trying to do push-ups. Yes, trying. Because the bandana rapper is really bad at doing push-ups. After the third try he got on his feet again. "Can someone turn on some music or something?"
Johnny took out his phone and turned on some song, but he realized his mistake too late. Music and a drunk band member were the worst combination possible. Mostly because they all thought they were dancing amazingly while drunk. Previously Johnny recorded them all at the club, all quite sober except for Charlie. In the end Charlie watched the video, laughing and pointing at the screen, going like "Who's that fucking idiot, dancing like a moron?"
A few seconds later realization and shame hit him as the others pointed out. "You."
Guess it was kind of funny to have him drunk. As the music kicked in, he started dancing again like a snake having a seizure. Danny hid his face in shame and tried to hide his smile creeping up. Funny Man didn't even try to hide his laugh, earning a goofy smile back from Charlie.
Da Kurlzz kept a serious face. A straight face. Not even the slightest trace of a beginning smile. "There is absolutely nothing funny about that."
Charlie suddenly thought he was Michael Jackson and tried to moonwalk, making Da Kurlzz burst out laughing as he stumbled over his own feet and face first into the ground. He quickly got up again, doing the fucking Gangnam Style. His horse riding looked more like bull riding, but he didn't even notice the difference. J-Dog was amused and Johnny just rolled his eyes. They were used to this kind of behavior from Charlie. "This night is fucking awesome, super-fantastic, bitchin', right? I love it! It's better than…than…fucking anything!"
Danny got up and stilled Charlie's movements. "Sit down, now."
The bandana rapper sat down but as soon as Danny was in his own chair again, he shot back up, mumbling something about 'need to run' and running around the garden like a fool. Da Kurlzz sighed. "I feel bad for the loser who's gonna put him to bed."
Four eyes gazed at him, knowingly.
"Oh no!" Da Kurlzz warned them. "I am NOT putting Charlie to bed!"
"Oh yes, you are", they responded in unison.
Charlie returned, panting like his life depended on it. He felt like he had run the marathon of New York. And he was acting like he won it too. "And then he'll wonder why he lost weight in the morning", Johnny remarked sarcastically. Charlie flopped down in the grass and smiled. "So what are we gonna do tonight?"
"We're already doing something", Funny Man said.
Charlie laughed, though the others didn't get why. "You're so funny, Funny Man. Funny Funny Man…hehe."
The Mexican rolled his eyes. "Fucking jerkface."
"Jerkface", Charlie chuckled.
Fucking great, he was going through the high phase of his drunk state. The high phase was the phase where he'd repeat every last word with a stupid grin plastered on his face. He'd either repeat the words or he'd repeat the whole sentence like it was the best joke he'd ever heard.
The night went on like that. Charlie tried to get a few more drinks but every time he came back with a glass, the others stole it away from him. First time he walked out of his house with whisky but Danny snatched it out of his hands and put it back inside. Then he came back with a beer, but J-Dog took it away from him, drinking it by himself. Soon Charlie was trying to pull pranks on the others, but Johnny went inside the house, poured him a Coke and handed it to him. "Drink and sober up!"
"Sure, Johnny 5 Tears."
"What the fuck", Johnny murmured, sitting down in his chair again. It was midnight and it was time for them to actually leave, so they stared at Da Kurlzz. "Put him to bed", their eyes begged in silence.
Da Kurlzz threw up his hands in defeat. "Fine!"
He got up with a grumble and headed for Charlie, who was currently trying to convince them he could climb on the roof if he wanted to. Da Kurlzz grabbed him by his collar. "Bed, now!"
"Sorry, Kurlzz, but you aren't my type", Charlie giggled.
His curly haired friend smacked his head and dragged him upstairs. Strange how the other seemed to have no problems with stairs while he was drunk. Upstairs Da Kurlzz threw him on the bed. "You're a pain in the ass when you're drunk, you know that?"
"Really? I had the best night of my life", Charlie pouted.
Da Kurlzz smiled and patted Charlie's head. "Can you get in bed on your own or are you too drunk?"
Charlie wore a shit-eating grin. "Are you going to undress me?"
"No!" Da Kurlzz snapped.
His friend's expression dropped. "Why not?"
"Just because… I don't have to explain myself!" Da Kurlzz struggled. He tried to leave but Charlie remained still on the bed, upright and back straight. "Stay with me?"
"For what?"
"It's lonely out here", the rapper whined.
Da Kurlzz sighed and groaned when he felt like he was going to lose this fight. He closed the door and remained with Charlie. All they did that night was talk about small stuff, big stuff and anything in between, though the others would never believe them. What happens in Charlie's bedroom, stays in Charlie's bedroom, after all.
The Sloppy Drunk (J-Dog)
The sloppy drunk will slur every other word as they degenerate into a disgusting combination of sweat, spilled alcohol and vomit. You'll have to carry them around like they were wounded in Vietnam.
The month of May had a lot in store for the band members of Hollywood Undead. They had a few concerts to play, lots of writing and recording to do. For now, they were focusing on throwing a surprise party for J-Dog. His birthday was coming up in the beginning of May.
They all sat together to discuss the details, like what drinks they'd have in the fridge or what music to play. It wasn't going to be a huge party. It would be a small one. Attendants: Danny, Johnny, Charlie, Da Kurlzz, Funny Man, Darren, his girlfriend and his cat. Yes, the party would be in his own house. Danny would invite J-Dog over and keep him busy while Johnny knew where the spare key was kept. He'd get it to let them all in and prepare the whole party.
Around 8 pm Danny would lead J-Dog to his own house again with some sort of excuse like he didn't want to spend his evening lonely in his own house. J-Dog always had a soft spot for the lead singer. His eyes were just irresistible. Then the night would go on as planned. And that's the way it was when the time came.
J-Dog didn't expect it at ALL. They weren't as stupid to make it obvious by 'forgetting' his birthday. They said happy birthday alright but they didn't act special until the party. He didn't expect them to have something extra in store for him. He unwrapped presents like an excited child on Christmas morning.
Again the party wasn't big and there weren't a lot of people but there was dancing, drinks and chips. All of that was enough to make a party of 8 people sound like a party of 50 people. Especially for Charlie who was shooting around like a hyperactive rabbit, dancing whenever he got the chance. He was completely drunk around 10pm. He was striking some moves and Da Kurlzz raised an eyebrow at them. "Where'd you learn that?"
"Just Dance 4 for the Wii!" Charlie cheered.
It made them all have a nice laugh and J-Dog was quite comfortable with his drink in his hand. Until Funny Man yelled "keg stand!" around midnight. They grabbed J-Dog with mischief in their eyes and he knew shit was going down. After he drank the whole fucking lot of beer, he was most definitely more drunk than Charlie was.
Sure, it was fun and games at first. They had their shits and giggles until it all turned. J-Dog felt it happening. His stomach was making weird sounds and loops. He was sweating like a dog and every movement became worse and worse.
He was swaying on his feet with a drink in his hand, spilling most of it all over Charlie. Charlie was too drunk to even notice. He grabbed J-Dog and started singing the wrong lyrics of California. Johnny facepalmed and begged for Danny to get Charlie to shut the fuck up. The lead singer only smiled and sung along to the wrong lyrics, knowing they were wrong.
Eventually Funny Man got Charlie to shut up by pointing at a bottle of Tequila. He seemed happier than a baby with a lollipop when he found the bottle. J-Dog was well on his way to follow Charlie but Da Kurlzz grabbed him from behind. "No way, dude. We don't want a part 2 of the previous time you were drunk."
"Preeevus?" J-Dog repeated in an intelligible slur.
Da Kurlzz had difficulties understanding him but deciphered it quite quickly. "Yes, previous time. About two months ago. Does it ring a bell?"
J-Dog pretended to be overthinking it but all his mind said was "doo doo doo ". Two months ago J-Dog got so shitfaced he fell asleep with his head in the sink, covered in puke and sweat. It was so disgusting. J-Dog heavily leaned on Da Kurlzz. "M not drunk", J-Dog defended, offering a grin to emphasize it but it only worked in Da Kurlzz' favor. It was an obvious display of being drunk. "Don't make me laugh, Jay."
By that time Charlie and Funny Man were shaking their butts like they won a fucking dancing contest. J-Dog wanted to tag along when he felt a sting in his stomach. "Mgonna puke."
Da Kurlzz stepped away. "Maybe you need to sit down."
"No, no, no, need ta walk", J-Dog shook his head and started walking around the house. Johnny stepped closer. "Jay? You alright?"
"No, Johnny, m not aight. Ma focus is off n I see everything double! I went waaaaaay beyon ma limits", J-Dog slurred, walking in circles. He wobbled and ran around. Suddenly Da Kurlzz called for Johnny. "Leave him. He's going to heave."
Johnny left his friend alone and joined the others again. J-Dog stumbled towards the bathroom, leaned his hand against the wall as he hung his head above the sink. "Puke!" he thought but his stomach had other plans. It kept contracting and refusing to throw up. It hurt and he clutched his arm around his belly. Funny Man walked in. "You okay?"
"Mmm."
"Puked yet?"
"Mmm"
"Is that a no?"
"Mmm"
"Fine", Funny Man said, leaving again.
J-Dog walked out of the bathroom again, sweating like crazy and stumbling his way to the others. He felt like he was about to faint and as soon as he was starting to fall, he vaguely felt Danny catching his fall. He leaned heavily on the singer and tilted his head to stare into Charlie's eyes. "You're stealing Dannyboy!" he complained.
Danny rolled his eyes. "Charlie, you're fucking drunk."
"Am not!" Charlie complained. He moved his head towards J-Dog. "Not that drunk."
J-Dog didn't really know what was going on but he wasn't deaf. He flipped him the finger and picked himself up off Danny. He mumbled a quick apology and wobbled towards Johnny. "Hey bro, how are you?"
"Drunk", J-Dog smirked. He gagged and felt like he was about to puke so Johnny quickly rushed him towards the bathroom, pushed him down on his knees and awaited the moment he'd actually throw up. J-Dog sat there, staring into the toiletbowl. "M waaaayy over my limit, ain't I?"
His slurs were slowly, very slowly, getting better but they were still slurs nonetheless. Johnny only nodded his head. Da Kurlzz came checking up on them but Johnny sent him away. He couldn't use watchers right now. His friend had to throw up or he wouldn't sober up. And he did. J-Dog threw up his guts for hours. All the time Johnny remained by his side. Sometimes Funny Man checked up on them, sometimes Da Kurlzz, who brought a bottle of water for J-Dog to drink. Danny often opened the door to check if they were still in there. Charlie was starting to sober up, feeling awkward for his possessive behavior over Danny. He checked up on J-Dog, left again. Around 3 am people were starting to leave. Around 4 am Johnny was the only one left at the house by J-Dog's side as he threw up for the 8th time. His stomach was completely empty, now he was just drooling into the bowl. "M so sorry", He murmured towards his friend.
The blue masked rapper smiled sadly and patted his back. "Don't worry about it. I'll get my revenge one day."
The Touchy-Feely Drunk (Da Kurlzz)
Also known as the horny drunk, will hug you 700 times throughout the night, and will end up making you uneasy as they straddle the line between "friendly" and "hey, I think you might be a sex offender."
"What the fuck is that?" J-Dog asked when he caught Da Kurlzz coming home with a six pack of some sort of alcohol beverage they didn't quite recognize. The drummer just shrugged. "I like it. You wanna try it?
Reluctantly J-Dog accepted the can and opened it. He took a sip, made an approving face. Then the aftertaste kicked in and he gagged. "Ew!"
He handed the can over to Da Kurlzz. "You drink that shit but don't you ever make me drink something that bad."
The curly haired man just shrugged and sipped the can. "Your loss."
He flopped down on the couch next to Johnny and Funny Man. Both gazed curiously to his drink. "Can we try?"
J-Dog took two cans and threw them over to the guys. Both had the exact same reaction on the aftertaste and placed the cans in front of Da Kurlzz. "You drink that shit."
The screamer drank J-Dog's can empty and started on Johnny's. "As you wish."
Danny and Charlie entered the bus after going for a smoke and their eyes caught the strange, unknown cans. "What's that?" Charlie asked.
"It's awful!" J-Dog expressed in disgust.
"Is there alcohol in it?"
"Yeah, it's got the alcoholic effect of Tequila", Da Kurlzz stated.
Charlie grabbed a can, snapped it open and drank it. Yet the can ended up next to Funny Man's can in front of Da Kurlzz. "Hey! Stop wasting so much of my beer!"
Danny was quite curious and he believed it could never be that bad. He opened the last remaining can and took a sip. "That's just disgusting."
Da Kurlzz threw up his arms. "Come on!"
Danny took another sip. "No way in hell am I being a wuss, Kurlzz. I'm drinking this by myself."
He emphasized it by completely draining the can of all liquid. Oh fuck, Danny was most definitely going to feel that within a few minutes. He was always the first to be drunk. The others only hoped he wouldn't tell them he loved them anymore. That was fucking annoying sometimes. The lead singer grabbed Charlie's can and sat down in between Johnny and Da Kurlzz.
Charlie and J-Dog sat down in front of them, watching as Da Kurlzz drank faster and faster. The more hours passed, the faster he drank his cans until there were none left. Danny had 2 cans, stopped after those 2 but Da Kurlzz had 4 of those in 1 hour. This wasn't going to end well. Mostly because Danny became sentimental and Da Kurlzz became touchy-feely. He was leaning on Danny, head in his neck. "I'm not drunk, am I? Nooo, I'm not drunk."
Danny chuckled and patted his head. "Me neither. I love you all, guys."
"Danny, shut the fuck up", Johnny snarled.
The lead singer stuck out his tongue and leaned backwards. Da Kurlzz' didn't hold him firm enough and fell with his head in Danny's lap. "Heeeey!"
"Hello", Danny smiled and waved.
Johnny and Funny Man rolled their eyes. The Mexican flicked Da Kurlzz' head. "Idiot."
"No you are an idiot!" Da Kurlzz shouted, putting an arm in the air, almost hitting Danny in the nose. He moved his arm back and tapped Funny Man's head. "Pretty, pretty, Funny Man. I've always wanted to do that."
Funny Man slowly moved away from them. "Fucking weird asshole."
"What time is it?" Charlie asked, yawning already.
J-Dog checked the clock. "11 pm, why?"
"I'm tired", Charlie answered with a face that said 'are you stupid? Didn't you see me yawn?'.
Da Kurlzz yawned too but he only did so because he saw Charlie do it and his mind mimicked it. Johnny got up. "Well, I'm heading for bed."
"Same here!" Funny Man jumped upright and ran past Da Kurlzz before he could clutch himself onto his leg or something. Charlie and J-Dog stole their spots next to the two. Da Kurlzz got up off Danny's lap and spotted Charlie next to him. "Charles P Scene! There you are, bro!"
He patted his shoulder and leaned his head on it. "I'm tired, can I sleep?"
"Yes, go to sleep", Charlie begged.
Da Kurlzz didn't answer anymore. He snored.
"Not like that!" The bandana rapper complained.
Danny chuckled and looked at J-Dog. "Put me to beeeed."
J-Dog made a funny face. "Why should I put you to bed? You aren't that drunk."
"Because I need to tell you a little secret", Danny whispered, leaning closer.
His friend frowned. "Shut up, Danny, please."
"I love youuuu, bro."
"Fuck off, Danny, I swear."
"Fuck who?" Da Kurlzz asked, picking up the conversation. Charlie took the opportunity to sneak away from the other but he already had an arm wrapped around his shoulder. J-Dog was dying of laughter inside because of the faces Charlie made. The rapper kept begging for help but J-Dog pretended not to understand his pleas and gestures. "I'm gonna hit the sack", J-Dog said, getting up half an hour before midnight. Charlie shot him death glares but he pretended not to notice them as he went to his bunk. Danny followed suit as a little doggy, walking a little funny but managing not to stumble too much.
Da Kurlzz lied down on the couch with his head in Charlie's lap. "Sleep tight, Charlie."
"Shut up."
There was a very loud thud coming from the bunks part, followed by a whine and an angry scream. "Danny, get the fuck out of my bunk!"
Da Kurlzz giggled. "Danny tried to fuck J-Dog, I think."
"Probably", Charlie mused. He tried to shove Da Kurlzz off but his friend was very heavy and kept crawling upright to put more of his weight in Charlie's lap until he was seated on top of him with his head against his chest. "Charliee."
"What?" Charlie snapped.
Da Kurlzz wrapped his arms around his shoulders. "I like your hugs."
"I like yours too but you're drunk so they're quite annoying", Charlie mumbled to himself. The curly haired man smirked and hid his face in his neck. "I'll remember everything in the morning, you know."
"I sure hope so. You'll be embarrassed", the bandana rapper growled. Da Kurlzz patted his cheek softly and moved his face upwards. He made a soft sound to get the other to look at him. Charlie turned his face towards him and raised an eyebrow but the drummer just pressed his lips against him. The rapper felt him smile against his mouth when his eyes went wide and shove him completely off his lap onto the floor. "What the fuck, Da Kurlzz!"
Kurlzz pouted. "I just wanted a taste of Charlie Scene."
"Fuck you, dude! I'm off to bed."
And he did get into bed, but when he woke up, there was a heavy weight in his lap. At first he didn't know what it was. Maybe J-Dog or Johnny jumped on top of him to wake him up, but as soon as he opened his eyes, he groaned. Da Kurlzz was sound asleep on top of him under the blanket. He was snoring slightly and seemed completely off the world. "J-Dog! Get him off of me!"
"You think you got it easy?"
Charlie turned his head towards J-Dog's bunk and chuckled. J-Dog's situation was similar. He had Danny curled up in his lap and mumbling soft intelligible words in his sleep. He shifted every single second to get more comfy onto his host. J-Dog and Charlie shared a look before both calling out at the same time. "Johnny!"
The Angry Drunk (Johnny 3 Tears)
The angry drunk spends all night positive that people are talking shit about them, and at some point they will get in a fight over something dumb, like some dude looking at them funny or another dude taking too many peanuts.
On stage everything was fun and games. Sometimes J-Dog got on Funny Man's shoulders to play the guitar. Sometimes Charlie pulled down Funny Man's pants in front of the whole crowd. Not that the Mexican minds. He loved the attention he got anyway. Sometimes they hit up the beer bong. That's exactly what happened that night. They all had to do it. Funny Man, J-Dog, Charlie, Da Kurlzz, Danny and Johnny. But that was the problem. Johnny. When it was his turn, Funny Man thought it would be funny to use whisky instead of just beer. And he did pour whisky in it. Of course the blue masked rapper didn't want to make a big fuss over it on stage so he took it like the little bitch he was.
The show was great. There wasn't anything unusual except for Johnny messing up his line in Bullet, but no one actually noticed. Off stage is where shit happened. The big hammer hit Johnny in the head. You know the big hammer? It's when you drink a lot and be normal for a while. Then it's like a hammer hit your head because you suddenly start acting all weird and drunk like you aren't reasonable. That's what happened to poor Johnny. He was so drunk off his ass, the others couldn't understand him quite well. He was also being paranoid and sulking by himself in a corner. "I heard that!" he screamed.
J-Dog looked his way. "Heard what?"
"You said I was stupid!" Johnny shouted with venom in his eyes. He looked like he was ready to murder someone.
"No, I didn't."
"I fucking heard it!"
"You misheard. I haven't opened my mouth since I got here!"
Johnny growled and flipped him the finger. "Fuck off!"
J-Dog made a weird face at Charlie. "What the?" he mouthed without a sound.
Charlie shrugged. Johnny jumped on his feet. "I heard that! You told Charlie was a dipshit, didn't you?!"
"No! What the fuck, Johnny! I didn't say a word", J-Dog defended, raising his hands innocently. Funny Man ran over to Danny. "Hey, bro, what are you up to tonight?"
"Dunno, I guess I'll surf the web for a while."
"Not gonna go party with me?" Funny Man pouted.
Johnny yelled at Funny Man who turned his head towards him. Just when they all thought a reasonable thing was going to come out, they got disappointed. Johnny just flipped him the finger and started rapping his verses of Undead.
Danny chuckled and patted the Mexican's head. "Looks like you're his new victim."
"I heard that!" Johnny yelled.
The lead singer quickly ran away before he could be the next victim. Soon Da Kurlzz kneeled in front of Johnny. "Now, stop being so paranoid and come to the bus with us."
"No!"
"Yes!"
"Hey J-Dog!"
"What?"
"Your head looks weird to me", Johnny grumbled, he got up and tried to fight J-Dog but the other dodged his attacks and ran away. "Kurlzz! Keep him in check!"
"How should I do that? He's like twice my size!"
"Are you calling me fat?!" Johnny screamed.
Charlie was lost in laughter but the others didn't seem to think it was that funny. Danny hid behind the bandana rapper, shivering and shaking. "Help."
Funny Man stepped in front of Johnny. "Calm down now, Johnny."
It seemed to work. At first he calmed down but as soon as Funny Man got closer, his fist made contact with his nose. The Mexican recoiled and held his nose in pain. Blood was gushing out of it and that seemed to wake up Johnny. He was still drunk and tried to yell 'I'm so fucking sorry' and 'are you okay?' at the same time, ending up in a shout: "Are you fucking sorry?!"
Danny ran over to Funny Man, swatted his hands away and looked at his nose. "Tilt your head back."
He did as he was told and the lead singer guided him towards to bus to take care of him. Charlie stopped laughing but he still thought this was the funniest thing ever, even if Funny Man had a bloody nose. It wasn't broken so why couldn't he laugh?
Da Kurlzz, Charlie and J-Dog remained behind with Johnny. There was an awkward silence before Da Kurlzz spoke up. "Funny Man forced him to drink whisky out of a beer bong and Johnny bust his nose. Karma's a bitch, right?"
In the end they laughed with it and in the morning Johnny apologized fifty times to Funny Man while all he wanted, was to be left alone as Danny took care of him for the rest of the remaining time. Maybe he was faking a small amount of his pain, just so the lead singer would keep taking care of him. Johnny knew but he kept his mouth shut as he owed him for his forgiveness. Sneaky Funny Man.
The Manic Drunk (Funny Man)
The manic drunk somehow manages to be every kind of drunk all in one night. The happy drunk, the sloppy drunk, the angry drunk, the sentimental drunk, the touchy-feely drunk, the naked drunk (who feels the need to undress at all times), the infantile drunk (who gets more and more childish) & the depressed drunk (who wallows in self-pity) .
Got an idea what time it is in LA right now? Clubbing time of course! At least, for the members of Hollywood Undead it was. Notes From The Underground was second in a top 200 so of course they had something to celebrate. It was Charlie's idea to celebrate it at a club they used to go to. It had everything. Heavy music, dancing, drinks and girls, lots of girls. Of course Funny Man was off to impress some of the girls, he ordered tequila sunrise, drank it at once and winked at a cute blonde. Danny smacked his head. "Guys night!"
Funny Man pouted and rubbed the back of his head. "You didn't have to hit me. I can't help it the ladies are cute tonight."
The blonde, only six feet away, giggled and waved at Funny Man. The lead singer scowled him but he just shrugged it off. "Relax, Dannyboy, you're still my number 1", he cooed, pinching the other in the cheek. Danny's face flushed red and he hit the other again when he burst out laughing. "Sh-shut up!"
Johnny took the two of them apart. "Now now, don't fight, boys."
"He started", Danny said and Funny Man stuck out his tongue like a child. He headed to the bar to order another drink. The one taking his drink was a lady so he felt the need to pretend to be classy. "An Eristoff Soda please."
The lady nodded, rolling her eyes at his cocky smile. She was used to jack offs like that all the time but this one seemed a little bit too sure of himself. So instead of pouring 25 percent Eristoff and 75 percent Coke, she did it the other way around. To teach him a lesson. After all, she was just a noob in this bar and a mistake could easily happen. She handed the glass over to Funny Man with a charming smile. "There you go."
He smiled his thanks and drank it all at once just to impress her. Her smirk grew and she knew he was going down within an hour. Strangely Funny Man remained upright. She was impressed by that but as he said "Another!", she mixed the percent again. She wanted to see just how much he could take before getting shitfaced. Charlie noticed what the girl was doing and scowled her. She pouted, pretending to feel sorry but the bandana rapper quickly cracked a smile. "Don't tease him like that. He can't help it his dick is bigger than his brain", he yelled over the music.
She shrugged. "I can't help it I'm new and don't know the recipes yet."
Charlie shook his head. "You sneaky girl."
Funny Man chugged the glass again and knocked it onto the bar. "Aaaanother!"
"No Funny, you've had enough for a while", Charlie said.
The Mexican shook his head. "It's delicious, you should try it."
"No."
"Pussy."
"Fuck off."
Funny Man grinned and Charlie decided to drop the subject. "Fine, take another."
He walked away to tell J-Dog, Da Kurlzz and Johnny what just happened. They'd also tell Danny but he was engulfed in a crowd of 21 year old girls squealing over him. They adored him, recognized him from Hollywood Undead, tried to score his number which didn't work, got him to sign them. Charlie pouted. "No one ever wants my autograph."
Right at that moment one of the girls turned around and mimicked No. 5 on purpose. "Like oh my God, is that Charlie Scene?!"
Charlie smirked like a kid on Christmas eve and threw his hands up in the air. "Yes! I'm loved!"
Funny Man came back to the others after his 5th drink and he was obviously swaying. "Hooow's it haaanging, guys?"
"You're drunk already?"
Charlie looked up. "Yeah, he tried to impress the barmaid so she added more alcohol to shut him up."
Johnny chuckled and patted Funny Man's back. "Good job, dude."
Danny turned away from the girls and walked over to them. Funny Man threw up his hands. "Danny! Have I told you you've got a fine ass?"
"What the fuck?" Danny responded, looking at the others in terror.
The Mexican laughed. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You're my bro, my homie, my wingman, my buddy. I love you!"
Johnny rolled his eyes. "Here we go again!"
"I love you all by the way. You guys are awesome", Funny Man said. He smiled at them all but it quickly faded as he glared at Johnny. "What? You wanna talk shit about me?!"
"I didn't say anything."
"Fuck you, homie, I thought we were brothers?!"
"Funny, I didn't say a word!"
"Don't yell at me, bro! I love you!"
Da Kurlzz laughed and turned to Charlie. "This is gonna be real good."
"Definitely", Charlie confirmed with a smile.
The Mexican widened his eyes suddenly. "Guys, I have to throw up…"
Danny sighed. "Fine, I'll take you outside."
He guided Funny Man outside which was a pretty difficult task because he was pulling Danny all over the place while leaning heavily on him. He opened the backdoor and they stepped into an alley. There were passed out dudes, a couple making out grossly, some guys puking. Funny Man joined the guys puking, throwing up all of his double burger he had before. He looked at the open backdoor. "Who left the doooor open? Who left me outsiiiide!" he sung.
Danny rolled his eyes but couldn't suppress his smile creeping onto his lips. "Get back inside with me, moron!"
The Mexican walked over to Funny Man and leaned against his shoulder. "I love you, Danny, don't you…ever let me go. No, don't you ever let me go."
"Stop saying you love me when you don't mean it", the lead singer complained.
Funny Man pouted and hugged Danny. "But I do. I really do. How can I prove?"
"Tell me again when you're sober."
The other considered it, moved his head towards his friend again. "I won't remember so let me put it in my phone!"
He grabbed his phone and set an alarm for tomorrow morning. It read "Tell Danny you love him. No questions asked!" but it took him 20 fucking minutes to type it. By then he hugged his buddy again. "Thanks for coming out here with me, bro."
"You're sweaty", Danny complained.
Funny Man ignored the remark and got back inside with the other in his trail. His energy seemed to come back and he was jumping around like an idiot. He was also dancing like an idiot and kept smiling at everything people said. He hugged Charlie about 5 times before pulling him towards the dance floor. Da Kurlzz quickly stole Charlie away from Funny Man because he predicted the other was about to heave again. Which was true. The baritone voiced rapper had to rush outside to make it in time and throw up his guts again. Then he was at the bar again and ordering another drink. He drank it all at once but when he ordered another, J-Dog swatted the drink out of his hands and glared at him. "No more drinks for you!"
Funny Man laughed and stuck out his tongue. "Make me!"
Danny swung an arm around his shoulder. "Don't worry, Jay, I'll keep him in check", he winked. J-Dog nodded approvingly before hitting the dance floor with Charlie. Of course Funny Man wanted too so he pulled Danny to dance with him. "This is the best night ever", the Mexican said. The lead singer smiled shyly and danced along but when Funny Man grabbed his hips, he slapped his cheek harshly, leaving a huge red mark. "Don't you fucking dare."
Funny Man pouted and looked like he was about to cry. "I just wanted to dance with my little Danny. You're my number 1, you know? Why doesn't anyone ever love me? I love so much people but they never love me back!"
Danny knew he was making a scene here so he quickly hugged Funny Man. "It's okay, it's okay. I love you, yes, I mean it. Now shut up and stop crying."
The Mexican sniffed. "You're great man. This is the best night of my fucking life!"
"Shut up, Funny", Danny tiredly begged. Why wasn't he getting any help from the others? No, they were too busy getting drunk themselves! How was he ever going to get home if all of them were drunk except for him?
He realized he should go check up on the others too. "Wait here, Funny, okay?"
"Yeah."
Danny looked Funny Man in the eye but he seemed pretty confident to stay in his spot and wait for the other to come back so he left to look for the others. Charlie was trying to hit on some girl while Da Kurlzz was trying to chase the girl away. Mostly because the girl was only a number four and Charlie would regret it in the morning.
J-Dog and Johnny were quite sober so Danny felt a whole weight fall off his shoulders. Oh fuck, Funny Man! He rushed back to the spot where he left him and he had kept his promise. He was waiting for the other to come back. Only he was shirtless now. "Funny, where's your shirt?"
"What?"
"Your shirt. Where is it?"
"I don't know."
Danny pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them, Funny Man was sitting on the floor in between the crowd. The lead singer rolled his eyes. "Get up."
"Make me!"
"Get up, Funny Man!"
"No!"
He pulled his arm to get him to stand up but he only started yelling for him to let go. Danny was slowly losing his mind, but he took a deep breath and looked at him calmly. "I'll let you have the last lollipop in the freezer if you get up."
In a matter of seconds Funny Man was upright and smiling brightly like he never even cried in the first place.
"Where's Jay?"
"What?"
"Where's Jay?"
"Dancing with Johnny, why?"
"I feel him talking shit about me."
"Shut up, Funny, please."
Funny Man growled. "I feel it in my bones!"
"That's the alcohol speaking", the lead singer tried.
The Mexican moved his head upwards as if he heard a sound. "I need a hug."
"And I need an aspirin", Danny complained.
Funny Man pouted and held his arms out to his friend. "Hug now?"
The lead singer was so damn tired and he just wanted to go home but suddenly those arms seemed so welcome. He gave in and hugged Funny Man. It felt nice, cozy and warm. No need to worry about the drunk running off. That is, until the other pulled away and barfed on his shoes. Danny made a pained sound. "Why me? God, why me?"
"Please take me home, Danny", Funny Man smiled apologetically.
The other made a sound in awe. "Thank you so much!"
He went to find the others and told them he'd be taking his buddy home. J-Dog nodded in approval, promising him he'd bring Charlie and Da Kurlzz home safely. Though Danny doubted Johnny was sober enough too. He sure spoke in a double tongue. Funny Man leaned on Danny as they made their way back to the bus. "I'm too drunk, aren't I?"
"Yes, you are", Danny sighed. The other leaned his head on his shoulder. "Doesn't take away the fact that I love you."
"Shut up, you weren't going to say it until tomorrow when you're sober."
Funny Man nodded. "Right."
Aboard the bus he didn't go to sleep yet, he was too busy bugging the lead singer. And suddenly he was naked. Not fully naked, he still wore boxers. "Funny, where are your pants?"
"What?"
"Your pants. Where is it?"
"In the laundry", Funny Man smiled. He got on the couch next to Danny and lied across his lap. "Pet me!"
"What?"
"Pet me! I'm a dog."
"You sure behave like one."
Funny Man pouted. "You think I'm a dog? You think I wanted this? I don't want to be an annoying drunk to you. You're little Dannyboy. Everyone loves you and you love us all except for me!"
Danny opened his mouth in surprise but closed it again and just ran his fingers through the other's hair. "Fine, I love you too."
Funny Man made a purring sound. "Best. Night. Evaaaa!"
Not much later the guys came home. J-Dog put Johnny and Da Kurlzz to bed. Danny put Funny Man and Charlie to bed. Afterwards they had a talk about their stupid drunk actions and both went to bed. Around 9am Danny felt a hand shaking him awake. "Danny?"
"Hmm?"
"It's me, Funny Man."
Danny opened his eyes, yawned and stretched. "What is it? Why'd you wake me?"
"You can go back to sleep if you like. I just wanted to tell you I love you. And I'm sorry for troubling you last night", Funny Man smiled.
The lead singer smiled back. "Apology accepted. Sleep tight."
He rolled over in his bed when he heard Funny Man again. "Oh and thank you for the last lollipop in the freezer."
FUCK!
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