This is the beginning: The first time it happens, Naruto is walking in the forest behind his swing. He feels watched. Sasuke is already gone. They have chased him and lost. All almost died in the process. They are all thirteen. Naruto meanders on paths worn flat and hard from the pounding running of racing kids. He is thinking about being a kid and being alive and how those two now seem so intricately entwined. Like balls of wool for crochet needles. Naruto wanders at the prick of awareness, suddenly, at the back of his neck. He is thinking defensive tactics when it happens. Kiba jumps down from a branch somewhere and lands right in front of Naruto. Kiba looks at Naruto curiously. Naruto's forehead draws slowly together in a questioning frown.
Kiba annoys him.
"What?" Naruto snaps.
Then Kiba kisses him. Puts hands on Naruto's shoulders first, holds him in place. It is this curious mash of lips which can't really be classified as kissing. More a touching. An awkward rubbing. Kiba pulls away quickly and takes off running. Invokes recollections of childhood footraces.
"Bet you still can't beat my time," Kiba shouts behind him.
Naruto is left in a swirling cloud of dust from where Kiba had turned and taken off. Naruto is… surprised. Though later, much later, he figures he shouldn't be. He is also annoyed.
Kiba annoys him.
Kiba is crass and brash and loud. Like Naruto. Unlike Sasuke. Mostly, it annoys Naruto. He can never get a word in edgeways unless he's shouting loud enough to seriously damage his vocal chords. They're in some mad competition, the two of them. Racing each other.
"I bet you still can't beat my time."
Kiba reminds Naruto of a time when failure came right before triumph. Because he can triumph with Kiba. Not like with Sasuke. Where there is no winning. Only losing.
When Naruto comes back to Konoha after years gone walkabout with the Pervy Sage, Kiba still reminds him of childhood and triumph:
"I bet you still can't beat my time."
They tip-toe around each other. Have been doing this since they were thirteen. Walked on egg shells. So silent. Eyes peeled open on the giant fucking pink elephant in the room. Flapping ears big as wings. They have both carried the secret weight of this elephant for three years now. They spend the first month of Naruto's return not talking. About it. What happened. Then one day Kiba drags Naruto to go treasure hunting for the secret Inuzuka stone tablets. Which they don't find.
At sunset they end up on Hokage Mountain. Pink elephant flapping again in the settled silence. Then Kiba says, simple as infant-speak:
"Listen, Naruto. When we were thirteen I kissed you, and consequently got the fuck outta dodge. Like a pussy. But also because of the Uchiha thing. Personally, I don't like the guy, never did. Never so what you saw in him. I mean, sure he's hot, but what else, y'know? Couldn't believe we all almost died for that incredible dickweed. That aside. It's three years later. We're sixteen. I consider us adults. So let's be adults about this."
"What the fuck are you on about?" Naruto asks, still stuck at the realisation that it must've been really obvious what he felt for Sasuke.
Feels for Sasuke.
"I think you're hot. I think I'm hot. You do what you will with that information."
"I don't know if that's how adults deal with this."
"Of course it is. They all just pretend like they know what they're doing."
"So what you're basically saying is we should fuck."
"Exactly."
"I find you very annoying. I think you're an idiot."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"I prefer enjoying the company of people I have to pretend excruciating pillow-talk with."
"Nah, we don't have to do that. You're too hung up on someone right now for any kind of pillow-talk."
"What? You think I still have a thing for Sasuke?"
"Well you obviously still have a thing for Uchiha. But no, not him. Someone else. Someone with desert scent."
Naruto coughs awkwardly. Feels the dry sand beneath him and remembers Gaara. Someone with desert scent.
"Well, I did just come back from that Akatsuki mission in Suna. I'm bound to have desert scent."
"I can't explain what I mean, exactly. But I can smell your past lovers on you."
"What?"
"Not all of them. The scent is particular. I just can't figure out to what."
"That's weird."
"Yeah, being half-dog does that."
"You're not half-dog."
"According to my sister we are."
"Apparently, according to supposed writings on the stone tablets we can't find."
"Believe what you want, but give me an answer first."
"To what?"
"The question of existence – What do you fucking think."
"I don't know, Kiba, we really don't seem to like each other."
"Again: what does that have to do with anything?"
"Also, I find your hair repulsive."
"So?"
"I have a hair thing. And yours looks like it hasn't been washed in a year."
"So I'll wash my fucking hair."
x
Naruto stops counting after the tenth time. Loses thoughts of numbers after the sixteenth. This is how they learn each other's bodies: Slowly. It takes time to reach this kind of instinctual movement. Time and wanting and all manner of other pains. Pains that don't belong here but get dragged in anyway. Dragged in and exposed in the naked light of orgasms like death.
He will never know Sasuke like this.
Later. Much later. Kiba would tell him that Naruto and Sasuke had driven him to it. That thing. That conscious verbing of moments. That one thing they don't talk about. That elephant in the corner. Later. Much later. Kiba would tell Naruto that seeing Sasuke kiss him had made him feel... weird. Nice weird. Like something had run its fingers down his back and he had shivered. Kiba, the idiot, also says it has something to do with his supposed dog genes. He swears that he knew sex in his body long before any of them did. Kiba, the idiot, tells him his family history of incestuous bestiality. It's all bullshit of course. Naruto thinks – he can never quite get a straight answer on that one. Kiba tells him about the scrolls hidden in secret kennels on the Inuzuka property. He tells Naruto he comes from hedonism. Feels sex in his gut. Like animal instinct. Says it makes him insatiable. Says he is almost always wanting. Wanting like heat. Kiba, the idiot, says the first Inuzuka fucked a wolfhound and his jutsu was made manifest. The hound gave birth to the first descendant. Canine carrying the secret beginnings of kekkei genkai.
"Bullshit," Naruto says.
"Dude, it's written. It's carved out on stone tablets and shit. You absolutely cannot doubt stone tablets. That's what my sister says anyway."
"Kiba, dude, you're sixteen. There are no stone tablets, we looked for them remember. Please tell me you know your sister's fucking with you."
Kiba vehemently refuses to believe his sister would lie to him about something so… warped. The idiot, Naruto thinks fondly. He knows, though, that there are always truths in warped lies. Like he later learns. Much later. When he learns truth has been so meticulously twisted it has ensnared Sasuke in the most delicate strings of deceit. The strings of knitting needles weaving the inevitable destiny of the Great Avenger.
When Naruto tells Kiba this, attempts to untangle the mess of string between truth and lie, he is… surprised that Kiba gets it. Just that. Simple as toddler speak, Kiba says,
"Yeah, I get it."
It takes time. To get things. To get each other, especially. It is an everyday conscious verbing of everything. The act of choosing to do. This learning. Of each other.
The first time Kiba talks, Naruto is… surprised. Though he figures he shouldn't be. After so much time together. Naked. Limbs and smoky puffs of frozen breath. Naruto figures it was always going to happen. Like all the other things he knows in his gut were always going to happen. Like animal instinct. When Kiba talks. Really. Talks. Naruto finally understands that Kiba has, all this time, been unmaking himself in front of Naruto. Stripping himself of all his layers to the smooth, wet marrow of his deepest self. Unmade of all brashness and crassness and loudness, Kiba speaks. Really. Speaks. Softly. Like the slow yawn of an infant. Like the deepest sigh.
"I have animal instinct, Naruto. And yeah, of course all humans do also. But humans have instincts as human translations of it. I know things with the gut feeling of animals with all four legs on the ground. I don't know. I can't explain it. Like when you and Uchiha kissed in class and something in me knew exactly what had happened and what it would mean. Like I watched you fall in love with that asshole; and let you."
"You can't technically say we kissed."
"Yeah, whatever. But I can technically say you blushed like a chick having sex on her period for the first time."
"You're annoying."
"This I know. You sound like your boyfriend."
"Fuck off."
They push each other. Often. Too far sometimes.
"Sorry," Kiba says after a moment, "I keep forgetting you won't let yourself let go of a hopeless cause. I keep forgetting you won't let yourself fall out of love with an asshole who is wholly fucking incapable of loving you back."
And then they push each other even further.
Naruto gets quiet after that. Subdued in a way that very few people have seen. Kiba is one.
"Listen, Naruto, I'm sorry. Dude, seriously, I am. You know how I feel about Uchiha. And I'm trying to get it, how you feel about him. I'm really trying. But dude, Uchiha is the biggest fucking dickbag to come out of Konoha. Ever. – And this is the village that gave birth to Danzo – And he always has been. If anyone was going to abandon his home for a sibling rivalry he couldn't win, it was always going to be Uchiha. Fuck, what a holier than thou douchebag."
"Notice how I'm not disagreeing."
"Then just let him go. There is no other Sasuke out there, but there are other people. Naruto, please, let him go."
Kiba says this and Naruto understands, at last, that Kiba has, all this time, been unmaking himself in front of Naruto.
That night Naruto lets Kiba have him. After he finally understands what it is that Kiba is giving here. What it means. He doesn't know when Kiba fell for him and he doesn't ask. He waits for the moments of unmaking for secrets to be revealed. Kiba is asking for things Naruto cannot give. They both know this. So Naruto gives what he can.
Kiba stays later in Naruto's apartment than everyone else. Which is not unusual. But after 'the decision', he stays. Which is unusual. When the last dregs of pilfered liquor have been drunk and Shikamaru and the others have left them to their own devices, there is a tangible shift in the energy of the apartment.
"Do you think they left us alone on purpose?" Naruto asks.
"Yes."
"So you think they know?"
"Of course they know, you fucking idiot."
Naruto looks out at the battlefield of soldiered sake bottles strewn across his living room.
"Kiba, I can be dense – "
"No kidding – "
"Shut up. I can be dense sometimes so I normally need things spelled out to me. I don't do this reading between the lines thing. This communicating through passive aggressive grunts. I won't do that anymore. And I don't want to misread you or make any assumptions. So, I need you to tell me what you want from me. Except my hot bod of course."
"Hot bod?"
"Cut me a break. I'm hardly at my best. You threw me for a loop this afternoon. I don't know. I thought we were eating ramen and next thing we're having this… weird… conversation. And I'm worried I might have misread or misheard."
"What did you hear?"
"I don't know."
"I think you do."
Naruto drags his eyes to Kiba's face. Looking straight back at him like so much courage. And this is what he likes about Kiba. He's a salt of the earth type. At least, he will be with more age behind him when he has outgrown his idiocy. Kiba is transparent. Rather, Kiba has consciously chosen to make himself transparent. To everyone. With Kiba, everything is exactly what it is.
"So what?" Naruto asks, half joking, "You want to date me or something?"
"Yes."
Kiba says this like it's simple. Straightforward as toddler-speak.
"Come on, Naruto, is it really that hard to believe. We've been fucking for months. We've fucked so much I stopped counting. Somewhere between my idiotic attempts at seducing you and paying for your ramen at Ichiraku's, feelings were going to happen. I knew that. I'd hoped you knew that."
"You're so fucking serious all of a sudden. I didn't know I'd live to see the day."
"I am very many things, Naruto. You'd do well to remember that." Kiba laughs, it is raw, "I'm complex and shit."
"You're complex. And shit. I don't know, I feel like I'm getting the raw end of the deal here."
"Fuck off."
Naruto leans a little closer. Pulls back again. Says,
"Ok. Yeah. Let's do it."
"Let's do what."
"What? You need me to say it out loud. Insecure much."
"Naruto."
"Fine. Let's be together or whatever. You can take me on dates and pay for my meals."
"I already pay for all your meals."
"Yeah, but now it'll be in an official 'date' capacity."
"You're so stupid."
"Or incredibly smart."
They don't agree on that. Like they don't agree on many things. Too much alike. Too different. But they agree on other things. Not just sex things either. Though those are decidedly tangible. Like come on bodies and bedsheets after long nights spent fucking. Like they do after 'the decision'. Which is what they call it. That critical moment that marks a bridge. And though they are on one side they could just as easily go back. As Kiba says he knows they will one day. When Sasuke comes back.
But on this side of things where Sasuke is not, Naruto lets Kiba have him and it is… decidedly tangible. They touch each other with the possessive touch of exclusive lovers. Which they are now, Naruto thinks. When they get to Naruto's bedroom, Kiba stands still in the centre under the overhead light and looks at Naruto. He holds Naruto's face with both hands. He inhales when he kisses him. Kiba's canine nose greedily inhales the breath from Naruto's nose. Kiba's arms move around Naruto's back, cling to him, his head dropped to Naruto's shoulders.
"Naruto," Kiba speaks, and softly, "I know what's going to happen when Uchiha comes back. Even if you don't, I know. I smell him on you, all the time. And I understand. I smell the scents of all the boys and girls you love. Even if it makes me fucking crazy that that asshole has any fucking claim on you at all. And that's not just my territorial canine instinct that wants to tie you to your bed and piss on you either."
"I find that vaguely disturbing."
"Only vaguely? That's more promising than you know," Kiba says cheekily.
"Kiba, dude, you really want to piss on me?"
Kiba pulls back to look at Naruto when he answers:
"Only if you want me to."
And Naruto gets it.
"Naruto, seriously though. For now, Uchiha's not here. I'm going to ask you something big and it's going to be fucking awkward but I want you to hear it: Be with me. Now, when he's not here, be with me. And when he comes back, I'll let you go like you're tied to a balloon string. I'll just open my hand."
"Thanks asshole, I'm glad I'll be so easy to leave."
"I won't leave you. You'll leave me."
"That's a fucked up and terrible thing to say when we're busy getting each other naked."
"I'll never lie to you. Not even by omission."
"That's a big promise to make."
"I'm asking for big things from you in return. Listen, just think about it. Take time to get what I mean, yeah?"
"Yeah, ok."
Naruto says that last slowly, like he's agreeing to a bet when he doesn't know the price of forfeit. He guesses it'll be heartbreak. Because, isn't it always. Naruto feels vulnerable in the no man's land of being with someone who wants to be with you. Kiba sees him and handles him so gently. They've never been like this before. Maybe that's why Kiba stays afterwards; for the first time, Naruto gives him permission.
Kiba strips Naruto and smells the warmth of skin and the musk of sixteen your old boy. Kiba sniffs Naruto like a hunting dog on a trail – with deadly intent. Kiba means to learn all the nuance of smell on Naruto's body. Kiba tells Naruto to stay still, blindfolds him and licks him like a show dog grooming his coat – with a self-satisfied pleasure bordering on the narcissistic. Kiba means to learn, by taste alone, the trails of Naruto's body hair. Kiba means to know him in ways Sasuke or anyone else will never be able to know him.
There is foreplay and foreplay. And this.
When Kiba finally hovers, ass spread, over him, Naruto tells him to wait. He takes off the blindfold and rolls over Kiba. Naruto grabs the still open container of salve and moves away, says,
"Wait, stay there. Don't touch me until I tell you to."
Naruto watches Kiba watch him with… anticipation. They play these games often, Kiba is a well-trained dog when it comes to sitting in heat… anticipating. What he is not prepared for is when Naruto kneels on all fours with his ass angled towards him. What he is not prepared for is when Naruto holds himself with one arm, the fingers of the other arm spearing himself slowly open. What Kiba is not prepared for is Naruto's back arching into the push and pull of his own fingers like he knows exactly how to get fucked. And then Naruto, cheeky shit that he is, oh so casually turns his face towards Kiba, biting his lip, eyelids half lowered and has the fucking audacity to say,
"If your cock can't handle fucking this hot bod, let me know now before I prep myself for things you can't live up to."
Kiba doesn't know whether to be livid or turned on. They both figure there's a healthy meeting point between the two. Healthy competition and good sportsmanship.
"You fucking shit, Naruto, is this how you finally allow me to fuck her majesty's ass?"
"Only if you call me 'her majesty'."
"You're so stupid."
"Or incredibly smart."
"A smart man wouldn't get me this worked up. I'll rip you apart."
"Is that a promise?" Naruto's face is wearing coy expressions of innocence. With his legs spread open and his fingers up his ass. It's fucking obscene. Kiba loves it.
"I've never known you to be a slut, Her Majesty."
"That's because I've never let you fuck me before."
Naruto takes out his fingers, holds his position while Kiba watches the hungry flutters of his ass. Waiting for him.
"So," Naruto says after a moment of watching Kiba drip saliva from his protruding canine teeth, "how do you want me?"
"Oh, so I can touch you now?"
"Now, you can do whatever you want to me."
Kiba growls and lunges at Naruto. He drapes himself across Naruto's back. Kneels behind him aligning the fit of their bodies. Kiba enters Naruto slowly. He hardly has a choice, Naruto is so tight. He runs his hands soothingly up and down Naruto's lower back, massaging away the strains and tensions there.
"Fuck," Naruto pants out, "why do I always forget how painful this shit is. Fuck. Note to self: four fingers do not a cock make."
"It's probably not a good idea –" Kiba pants out, "– to tell me you've fucked yourself with four fingers. Not if you don't want me to break you."
"Do you worst," huff, huff. "Fucker – ah."
Naruto groans when Kiba fits fully inside him. Kiba moves slowly. There is a hesitancy, a cautiousness to the way he is handling Naruto. A care.
"Kiba, I have been fucked before."
"Thanks for reminding me of all the cocks that have gone before me. Really does something for my self-worth."
"Stop touching me like I'm a lovesick virgin. Fuck me like a man."
"Is that a challenge?"
"You said you'd rip me apart. I have you yet to hear the faintest sounds of tearing."
And it rushes back. All the racing. Naruto behind Kiba. Kiba behind Naruto. The normalcy of childhood competition centred round footraces and not shuriken jutsu. And Naruto gets what he wants.
Kiba holds Naruto around his stomach. Feels the fluttered huffs of muscle there. He hauls Naruto to sit upright on his cock. Naruto groans when the angle shifts and settles. He reaches back to grab onto Kiba's hair. Kiba's repulsive hair which on a normal day Naruto would never choose to touch.
Kiba fucks him like a man. Rips him apart. He fucks Naruto mercilessly, relentlessly. And whenever Naruto is panting his last breaths to relief, Kiba grips his cock at the base and won't let him. And then it begins again. Relentless, merciless. By the end of it Naruto doesn't know if he is crying, screaming, or coming. All three. He passes out.
When he comes to. He is clean-ish and lying on his side. He wakes up to Kiba chuckling.
"Do you worst, you said," Kiba says. Very pleased with himself.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. No need to be an idiot about it – Oh fuck, my ass, oh fuck, how am I going to do anything ever again? I can't move."
"Don't be so fucking melodramatic, you pussy. Anyway, you fucking provoked me."
"Yeah, like you didn't fucking love it."
"You surprised me. Like, really fucking surprised me."
"It was all pretty surprising," Naruto says, his turn to be very pleased with himself. "Which part in particular are you referring to?"
"Smug fuck. I didn't think you'd be like that."
"What? Slutty. Sexy."
"Uninhibited."
Naruto is pleased to hear that. Very pleased. Pleased enough to not register shock at Kiba knowing the right way to use a word like 'uninhibited'.
"You're so going to fall in love with me," Naruto says laughing.
"I know," Kiba says sighing.
"I was kidding."
"I wasn't."
"Fuck you're annoying when you're serious."
"I'm annoying when I'm not serious."
"Yes you are." Naruto gets serious too, "You do know that I like you, right? Like, like like you."
"Yes, Naruto. I know you well enough to know you'd never have done tonight if you didn't."
"Good. 'Cause I don't want you to think that this is all one-sided. I just have obvious and, well, not so obvious complications."
"I know this. It's fine. Just as long as, y'know, you're honest with me."
"Then this would be a good time to tell you that I slept with Gaara?"
"Is that a question?"
"No?"
"Look, it's fine. But obviously, because it's you, you didn't just 'sleep' with Gaara. If you're trying to tell me you're in love with him, well, I know. I can smell him on you."
"And it's fine?"
"Yeah, it's fine. It's Uchiha I don't want to compete with; Gaara I don't mind. I mean, trying to fucking hold your attention when you're wanted by the Kazekage is going to be incredibly shit. But Gaara's scrawny and I'm better looking."
"I don't know about that."
"No, I really am. I have classical good looks, and he's just, well, weird looking. I mean, why does he were so much fucking eye make-up?"
"You do know that he looks like that because he had the bogeyman living inside his head."
"Whatever. Then he should just get more sleep. And also, why the fuck did he tattoo 'love' on his forehead? You have to agree with me that that's totally weird, right?"
"You're an idiot."
"I notice you're not disagreeing with the last statement though."
Naruto rolls his eyes at Kiba. Kiba sticks his tongue out at Naruto. They are childhood together sometimes. It feels good to be there.
"Seriously Kiba, are you really okay with this? Ino told me it was insane to try and love two people at once, let alone four."
"Well, Ino's on a path. She's not trying to fall in love with one person, let alone four."
"I'm worried about her."
"You shouldn't be. In a lot of ways, she has it completely figured out."
"What's that? That you can fuck your way through impending war and heartbreak?"
"What's the fucking alternative? Sakura's celibacy? Thanks but no fucking thanks. And besides, you probably can, fuck your way through impending war and heartbreak."
"Fucking cynics."
"Not at all. Out of everyone, Ino and I are probably the least cynical. And the only reason you're not cynical is because you don't have time to be. You're too busy chasing utopia."
"Nothing wrong with that. And Choji is the least cynical of us all. He's a hopeless idealist, just like me."
"Yeah, but not where it matters. It's all well and good to help change the world, but what's the point if you won't help yourself."
"Deep, dude."
"Don't be an asshole about this. I'm being serious. Choji's so in love with Shika he follows him around like a teenage stalker on Valentine's Day. But god fucking forbid he ever opens his mouth and run the risk of actually being happy."
"That's a bit harsh. And I don't think Shika looks at Choji that way."
"Of course he doesn't."
"So what would be the point? Why would he want to suffer meaningless heartbreak?"
"For freedom, dude. To fucking set himself free. But now, no. He lives on the meagre scraps of 'what ifs'. What if I was fitter; what if I was taller; what if was more talented; what if I was more beautiful. What if I was Neji? While what is, happens to someone else."
"You can't blame the guy for hope, however fucking misplaced it might be."
"If Neji was my competition I would have absolutely zero fucking hope. A guy who almost exclusively fucks Neji is not easily satisfied – he is possibly looking for something that very few boys can give. And on top of that, Choji's also competing with Temari. Who has a pussy. And tits. And this fucking ass like a twenty-two year old stripper – "
"That's a strangely unpleasant thing to hear about Gaara' sister –"
"Whatever, it's true. She's hot. If you're into scary women. Which Shika is. He likes his lays mean."
"That's a strangely personal thing to know about Shika? I didn't know you two fucked. That's actually kinda fucking gross."
"No, I did not fuck Shikamaru. Neji however. And trust me, Neji is a very mean lay."
"I don't think I understand that."
"You wouldn't."
"Actually, why am I always the last to know about out friends' sordid affairs?"
"Because nobody tells you."
"That's unfair. I also want to know things about people."
"Like what?"
"Like which of our other friends you've fucked?"
"Is this when we make an inventory of our past lovers."
"Yep."
"There's not enough ink for my list."
"You're an idiot, Kiba."
"This I know. Which of our other friends have you fucked, then?"
They look at each other. The conversation having flowed from place to place but always coming here. This is, after all, the territory of lovers just gone exclusive. And they both have a natural curiosity about all things. A curiosity they carried over from childhood. And then they have curiosities about each other. All the ways they are discovering they might want to learn each other.
"Ok," Naruto says finally, "One for one."
"Ok," Kiba says.
Naruto starts. In many ways this is also another competition. Although, where are they racing to this time.
"Gaara."
"Gaara's not 'our friends', but ok. Neji."
"Cute. Um, Ino."
"It's not interesting unless you tell me something I don't know. Ino."
"Actually, you're an idiot. Sakura."
"Oh. See, now that's interesting. When?"
"I wasn't aware we were asking particulars."
"One question per name."
"Ok. Like two years ago. After Sasuke left. Before I left."
"Was Sakura your first?"
"That's against the rules."
"Of course she was. You're both so fucking typical."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Your turn."
"Shino."
"You bottomed for Shino? Dude, I saw the guys cock in the baths – the thing is fucking monstrous."
"No, I did not bottom for Shino."
"Wait, then Shino bottomed for you. Wait – what?"
"That's also against the rules. Your turn."
"Shika."
"I find that repulsive."
"Why? Shika's sexy as fuck."
"You two make no sense together. And why do people keep insisting that Shika-fucking-maru is sexy?"
"Well, technically, it wasn't just us together."
"Starting to make more sense. But now I'm vaguely shocked – even if I don't seem to be. What happened?"
"I think you and Shino and Hinata were on a mission. And a bunch people came over. Tenten got Neji drunk. She kept spiking his drinks the whole night. I actually don't know how he didn't notice. He's supposed to have Byakugan. Now that I think about it actually, I wonder if Neji knew and had been looking for the perfect excuse to get drunk any – "
"Get on with it, Naruto."
"Right. So Neji had to stay over 'cause he couldn't go back home like he was. And he was a fucking mess. So Shika stayed with him to try sober him up – That's another one who was probably just looking for an excuse to not go home. Anyway, long story short – "
"No, I want the long story."
"Fine. I had to help Shika get Neji into the shower. And Neji was naked and Shika's clothes were all wet. And, well, yeah. That's really all there is to it."
"Naruto, you're sixteen. Please tell me you know they were seducing you?"
"You think so? I don't know. I thought that, maybe – But then I thought, why would they do that."
"Because you're hot."
"Well obviously you think so."
"So do you."
"Yeah. But not Neji and Shika. I thought they were asexual – Don't laugh, I'm being serious. I didn't even know they were having sex until they started dry fucking in front of me in the shower – Wait. Now I see it. Fuck. They totally fucking seduced me."
"You're so stupid."
"Or incredibly smart."
"Definitely not in this situation, dude."
"Fuck off. Doesn't this bother you?"
"What?"
"That I fucked Shika and Neji when you and I were technically already y'know."
"Nah. It's fine. Just you know, don't do it again. And if you do, just be honest with me and shit."
"I keep thinking I should be worried that none of this shocks or bothers you."
"Don't be. My instincts to possess are very fucking intense. I've spent years learning how to deal with them. And I know you, you wouldn't appreciate my natural reaction."
"What is your natural reaction?"
"The fact that he was fucking inside you long before I ever was is driving me fucking insane. I want to tear Shikamaru's fucking windpipe out for daring to touch what's mine."
"Whoa. Ok. Unusually insane reaction."
"And that's why it's better that I keep it to myself, don't you agree."
"Oh, fuck. I think you're probably going to have to pee on me if we carry on for long enough."
"Yeah, you're probably right."
When they are almost asleep, having talked their way to exhaustion, Naruto mumbles,
"Hey, it was your turn last."
"What?"
"I told you which of our friends I've slept with. You didn't finish your list."
"Oh, that. Let's see. Ino, Neji, Shino, Tenten, Kankuro, and no-one else you'd know."
"Shika said you don't bottom for anyone. Is that true?"
"I bottom for you."
"Why didn't you tell me you were uncomfortable?"
"I wasn't uncomfortable. I wanted to with you. Besides, you were worth the long excruciating fucking wait."
"Of course you think so. And I'm disappointed, I thought you would have made it through the whole class by now."
"Then I'd have to see Shika naked, and I have less than no interest."
"Dude, what's this thing you have with Shika? Maybe you're secretly in love with him but he's so past your league you have to settle for little old me. Maybe every time we have sex you close your eyes and pretend I'm him."
"Fuck, but you're stupid."
"Or incredibly, incredibly smart."
"Nah. I don't know. Shika and I kissed once. Single most repulsive experience of both our lives. We said we'd never talk about it ever again. I don't even think he's told Temari."
"I think he probably has. Him and Temari are so easy with each other. I mean, who the fuck consents to an openly polyamorous relationship. I think it's weird."
"Nah, I get it."
"Well if you get me being in love with three people who I can never have, I'm sure you can get anything."
"Naruto, I trust you. That's all it is. I know you, dude, and your heart is fucking massive. If you tell me you still have space enough to be with me, I trust that. And I trust you not to break that trust. Betrayal is a hard thing, but I think you're almost incapable of it. I know the only person you'd betray me for is Uchiha. Asshole. And I've prepared myself for that eventuality."
"Talking to you about Sasuke is fucking depressing."
"Good. Then we won't do it too often. Now shut the fuck up dude, I'm fucking exhausted. We fucked for hours remember. Literal hours."
"I was there. Remember. Getting fucked. My ass remembers."
Naruto reaches out to punch Kiba lightly on the shoulder. Kiba holds his fist. Pulls Naruto close. Turns over and says,
"Now be a gentleman and fucking hold me."
And Naruto does. And Kiba stays.
x
This is the end: When the break eventually happens it is… slow. Slow and painful. And so very adult. And all Naruto wants to do is scream and throw tantrums. Which he has always been able to do in front of Kiba if no-one else; mostly because the idiot is exactly the same. Except when he's serious. Naruto has spent more than half a year learning Kiba's seriousness. How deep it runs. Where it comes from. How it is the foundation on which this mountain of a boy is built on. When he is not being loud or crass or brash, Kiba is a very serious person. Though very few people know this about him. Naruto is one. Kiba is more of an adult sometimes than even Shino is. Although who knows what Shino's like at the end of a relationship. Naruto doesn't anyway. But he learns to get what Kiba is like. He is quiet and serious and adult.
"Naruto. I've been telling you for over half a year that I can smell them on you. Even long afterwards when you've washed their scents off your body. Please, be honest with me. I know you've fallen in love with someone."
"Kiba, I can't tell you this. You'll never forgive me."
Kiba laughs. It is a wry, ironic laugh with very little humour. They have come so far to arrive at this end. This logical, adult end. Like signing divorce papers.
"No," Kiba says, "I probably won't."
"I love you, Kiba."
"Don't insult me by saying you're not in love with me."
"And you don't fucking insult me like you haven't been there all these months. Of course I'm in love with you."
"I'm sorry. I know. I'm just busy trying not die from the crushing weight of betrayal."
"Fuck. Kiba, fuck. Can you see why I can't tell you. You don't even know what I did, and with who, and when. And you're already doing that fucking annoying thing you do."
"But there are so many things you find annoying about me it's hard to point out exactly which of my particular quirks irk you this time."
"And here I was thinking you were such a fucking adult."
"I am an adult, Naruto. This is how adults break-up: with the blunt force of passive aggressive comments dropped with the exact right tone of lightness and congeniality."
"What the fuck? What does that even mean?"
"It means that I'll apologise at the same fucking time that I hurt you, if I so please."
"Aha! So you did know what I was talking about."
"I know you, Naruto, of course I fucking knew what you were talking about."
"I'm sorry."
"Fuck you. This is not one of those times. How dare you fucking apologise to me when you won't even respect me enough to be honest."
"Kiba, it's complicated. The whys and where-fucking-fores of what happened are bigger than us. This is not something I can just tell you about. There are insidious fucking secrets at stake here."
"Don't you love the irony of you not trusting me. I do. I think it's very fucking hilarious."
"Kiba. Please."
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I just think it's fucking idiotic to not tell me when I already know."
"Then why do you want me to say it out loud? Do you want to punish me?"
"Yes."
"Trust me, I'm punishing myself enough for the both of us."
"I don't."
"What?"
"Trust you. I don't. I asked you never to betray my trust. I told you if you lost it, you would never get it back. And you could have told me, Naruto. I would have understood. You know this. I still understand. Please, just tell me."
"I can't. I really can't. And it feels so shit. And I don't want to hurt you, but I am. And I can't make it better. You won't let me make it better. Seeing you and not being able to touch you is wrecking me. Please just let me touch you."
"I'll let you touch me if you tell me."
"What? Once? And then what?"
"And then never again."
"I think you enjoy seeing me like this."
"Of course I do. You love me best when you're guilty."
"That's a fucking weird thing to say."
"It's true. Like what you won't tell me. I'm sorry it's an uncomfortable experience for you, the truth."
"Fuck, you can be a dick when you want to be."
"Will this dick is the only lover that's ever made you feel guilt."
"And you like that title?"
"Of course I do. I'm the only lover you've ever hurt more than they've hurt you. You've put more scars on me than on anyone else. You've marked me."
"Technically, you've marked me."
It's a hard conversation they're having. And Naruto breaks the ice with the comment. They laugh. Together. For the first time in a week. Since they came back from chasing Sasuke and Naruto fucked Itachi. Which made no sense; but made perfect sense.
"Naruto. I'm going to say my piece and go. I think we're finally at that point."
"Kiba."
"You smell like Uchiha. But not. I know exactly what that fucker smells like and this isn't it. But it's close. Almost like Uchiha, but… at peace? I don't know how to explain this to a human. I thought it might have been a relative of his or something. But then I remembered they're all dead; and I almost felt sorry for the fucker. And his psycho brother's dead now too, so it couldn't be him. And the timeline around when I first noticed the smell means it has to have been Uchiha. But not. Because I can still smell him as well. And how can he have two scents. I don't know. I'm confused. And you won't tell me the truth so I have to assume you cheated on me with that fucking asshole. Which I always knew you would. Naruto, you might not be able to tell, but I am fucking livid. How dare you force me to compete with Uchiha without my consent. How dare you fucking disrespect me."
Naruto has no response. Any response he might have is the wrong one. He stays silent and lets Kiba speak. His voice is soft as the rumbling of distant thunder. The controlled whip of lightening. His slow soft serious rage is a wonder to watch. Naruto wonders at having to worry about getting hard when he's being left. Again. Although, to be fair, he might as well have been the one to leave Kiba.
"Naruto, the problem has always been that I chose you. And you didn't choose me. I always knew that. I made my peace with it a long time ago, longer even than you know. I made my peace with it when you and Uchiha kissed and I knew, like animal fucking instinct, that I was going to love you, and you were going to love him. When I told you I'd let you go when the time came, I wasn't kidding. I told you I would never lie to you, not even by omission. I know I'm going to be in love with you forever. I know this. I am never going to fall in love with anyone else ever again. I know this too. I accept it. I'm happy with my lot in life. Fuck, I sound ancient, so much older than seventeen. But it's true. I need very little to be happy. I have very few needs: shelter, food, sex. And with those three things I can be reasonably happy. Better, I can be content. And I can be free. And freedom is important to me. I would have given up my freedom for you, but you never would have needed to ask me to. Because you were always going to someone else who wasn't me. I told you I'd let you go like you were tethered to a balloon string. That I'd open my hand. I know that you're crossing back over the bridge and going to where Sasuke is."
And Naruto is. He knows this. Has also always known this. Kiba has gotten so many things right. Almost everything. Except this one thing, which Naruto can't tell him. Can't tell him that yes, he fucked the supposed psychopath brother of the supposed love of his life. And then fell in love with him. So stupid. Kiba is right about that too. Half of Naruto hadn't taken Kiba seriously when he said he smelt the scents of people he is in love with. Because the others had been obvious, anyone could know if they wanted to. Naruto is hardly a secretive person.
But now he knows, like Kiba always has: this is the instinct that Kiba can't explain. An instinct focused entirely on Naruto. Kiba loves him so much. And he is opening his hand and letting go of the string that had tethered Naruto to him. And it hurts them both. So fucking much.
x
Naruto comes home the next day and his apartment is meticulous. Clean in a way it hasn't been since Kiba basically moved in with him all those months ago. He walks into the open space of his living area and feels utterly alone. There is nothing of Kiba left. The crocheted patterning to that first stitch of their childhood selves, the selves that had been so instinctually right together, unravelled at the seams. They are seventeen.