The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off taking a drink somewhere. Just some madness and fluff that popped into my head. Takes place shortly after the events of Palace Intrigue.
Fear And Whining In San Marcos
Not for the first time today Lana Kane was considering her life choices and why the hell she made them.
It had only been twenty minutes since Cyril had seized power and had thrown not only Calderon but his dubiously legal ex-wife and Archer into the dungeons below. The San Marcos army seemed more than willing to follow Cyril seeing that they hadn't been paid in over a week. Mallory was already scheming and plotting with Cyril on how to consolidate their power base and take out the rebels.
Mallory wasn't exactly upset that her son was in a prison cell. She seemed as happy as the rest of the ISIS gang when Archer was dragged away. She was more upset that some of the rare antique wine had been wrecked in the last attack and was threatening bloody vengeance upon the rebels that dared try to keep her sober.
Cyril was already puffed up with machismo and starting to fit into the life of a dictator rather well while the other members of ISIS gleefully split up to cause whatever type of mayhem they wished for. This left Lana alone in one of many large sitting rooms to think.
Honestly she wasn't exactly too upset that Archer was in prison. For once the antics of the oversexed overconfident spy turned inept drug dealer had caught up to him and she felt good about that.
What she didn't feel good about was her current situation. And the more she thought about it the more worried she became.
She had purposely kept secret the fact that the sperm donor for her baby was actually Archer. And she wasn't sure she wanted anyone else to know. Ever.
"Hell of a day isn't it?" Ray asked as he brought her a bottle of water.
"Yeah," Lana accepted the water from where she sat on the couch. "It's not every day you nearly get killed twice, survive a rebel assault, get involved in an insane love triangle and a coup accidentally carried out by your lying cheating ex-boyfriend."
"And your other lying cheating ex-boyfriend gets thrown in a dungeon," Ray smirked as he sat down next to her. He had a beer bottle in his hand. "Wait…was it a love triangle or a quadrangle? Since there was four of them."
"Maybe it was a quadrangle? Doesn't matter," Lana groaned.
"How are you holding up Mama?" Ray asked genuinely concerned.
"Pretty good considering my life has been turned upside down again for the umpteenth time this year," Lana groaned as she absently rubbed her swollen belly. "Honestly I'm kind of relieved that Archer is locked up for now. I need a break from him."
"We all need a break from that asshole," Ray grumbled as he took a sip of beer. "Thirty or forty years would be nice."
Lana held back a sigh as she took another drink. She knew full well the misery and torment Archer had inflicted on her friend over the years. Hell Archer seemed to bring that to everyone he met in one way or another.
So why the hell did she still love the bastard? Not to mention pick him to be the father of her child? Those reasons were getting less and less clear as the days went by.
"So where is everyone else?" Lana decided to change the topic.
"Pam's found herself a field of cocaine leaves to graze on out back," Ray told her as he took a sip of beer. "Our resident country star is off singing for the troops. Don't know where the hell Krieger went to and I don't really care. Pam thinks he got caught by the vampires."
"I'm not even going to ask about that," Lana groaned as she took another drink of water. "God I miss alcohol."
Ray grinned. "Nectar of the gods." And purposely took another drink.
"You really are a bitch sometimes you know?" Lana groaned.
"I'm not the one who got knocked up," Ray remarked. "On purpose."
"Like I need a reminder of that," Lana groaned. "And no I am not going to tell you who the father is so you can win the sperm donor pool."
"Meanie," Ray whined then took another drink.
"It could have been you, you know? I did ask you once," Lana reminded him.
"When you were drunk," Ray gave her a look.
"Oh yeah."
"That wouldn't have been right for either of us and you know it," Ray waved. "I don't think I'd be a good father anyway especially after…" He stopped and frowned.
"After what?" Lana noticed her friend stiffened as if trying to hold something back.
"The last time I lost the use of my legs…I turned into him," Ray said bitterly. "Screaming, drunk and mean. I loved my Daddy but he was a mean drunk. I tried to be strong but everything…losing my job, my apartment, my brother, trying to teach Cheryl and getting shot…Even losing my damn cats…Just too much at once…And…I can't blame you for not wanting to be around me then. I wasn't fit to be around anyone…"
"I'm sorry," Lana said softly as she hugged Ray. Tears were coming out of his eyes. "Ray…?"
"I know that you have a baby now," Ray admitted. "I know everything else comes second. And I wasn't exactly pleasant to be around but…It still hurt you know? Then again why should you be different than everyone else around here?"
"Yeah we're not exactly good at taking care of each other or sticking together," Lana admitted. She patted his back and pulled away. "I guess I should have paid a bit more attention. At least to make Krieger turn your CPU back on sooner."
"And I guess I'm being a whiny little bitch," Ray wiped away his tears.
"I think we've both earned some whiny bitch time. Ever feel like you're the only sane person in the world?" Lana sighed.
"Every single day I hang around the people of ISIS," Ray admitted. "But that sanity is slipping every day."
"Well mine is practically gone," Lana groaned. "What the hell was I thinking getting pregnant?"
"Hey at least you're moving forward in your life," Ray told her as he put his arm around her.
"I'm running around with a group of former spies from an agency that never really existed in the first place that's turned into a drug dealing arms selling gang that is also trying to sell country records," Lana moaned as she leaned against Ray. "While being single and pregnant! How is that moving forward in any way?"
Lana started to sob. "God this baby isn't even born yet and I've already messed up its life."
"No, you haven't," Ray comforted his friend. "You're gonna be a great mama and you know it. Well better than Mallory anyway."
"Not exactly setting the bar very high but…" Lana willed herself to stop crying.
"It's gonna be okay you know?" Ray told her. "You'll see."
"How?" Lana moaned. "Our lives were insane enough when we were secret agents. Now we're criminals that somehow managed to take over a rogue country."
"I prefer to think of ourselves as freelance opportunists who happen to be in the right place at the right time," Ray told her. "At least that keeps me from waking up screaming at night."
"We're both a total mess you know?" Lana leaned against Ray for support.
"Completely," Ray sighed. "And we're stuck with a group of insane…"
"Totally immoral," Lana added.
"Self-centered assholes," Ray finished.
"So what does that make us?" Lana groaned.
"Stupid insane slightly less immoral self-centered assholes," Ray sighed.
"And I'm still in love with the biggest stupidest insane immoral self-centered asshole of them all," Lana admitted.
"Well…not everyone has good taste," Ray shrugged. Lana hit him on the shoulder. "Ow! You're being mean again."
"And you're being a bitch, again," Lana quipped back as she pulled away.
"I've been told it's one of my best qualities," Ray sniffed.
"Yeah right," Lana scoffed.
"Come on. You know you've got me in your corner right?" Ray asked.
"I do. And you've got me Ray. Seriously…" Lana let out a sigh. "You're the only person here I remotely trust."
"Guess we gotta stick together then," Ray winked. "Since the men in our lives are all bastards."
"Ugh don't remind me," Lana groaned.
"You still got it bad for him don't ya?" Ray asked.
"I know. He's a womanizing asshole who can't go one day without drinking himself into another woman's vagina and screwing up a mission but…" Lana admitted. "I still love him."
"Ah the heart wants what the heart wants," Ray shrugged. "Who am I to judge? I've fallen for some bastards myself but…God girl you really got him under your skin don't you?"
"I know. I hate denying it but then Archer has to go and…" Lana was frustrated. "Every time I think I'm ready to just break down and admit my feelings for him he has to go do something incredibly stupid."
"And today he just broke his own record," Ray took another drink of beer. "Never thought I'd be so happy for a coup in my life."
"By Cyril of all people," Lana groaned. "How the hell did that happen?"
"At least he ain't following you around like a lost puppy dog no more," Ray told her.
"I am so over him it's not funny," Lana said as she drank her water. "The only reason I don't regret going out with him is that he annoyed Archer."
"Nothing like revenge sex to get you through the day," Ray chuckled. "I missed this. You know. Just you and me hanging out and bitching about our love lives."
"Or lack thereof," Lana added. "I can't believe I actually miss ISIS. At least we had a job and weren't criminals."
Ray gave her a look. "You know what I mean," Lana waved.
"Well…" Ray looked around the opulent palace. "As hideouts go I guess we could do a lot worse."
"But for how long?" Lana groaned. "I mean this is Cyril we're talking about. Cyril being a dictator? I still can't believe it and I was there."
"Only thing we can do is hang on for the ride," Ray told her. "And pray we don't crash and burn."
"With our luck?" Lana groaned as she finished her water.
"It's official. We're doomed," Ray quipped then finished his beer.
"Way to cheer me up Ray," Lana gave him a look.
"I can only work so much with what I got," Ray shrugged. "Okay let's promise to try and look out for each other better from now on. You look out for me and I'll look out for you. Deal?"
"Deal," Lana said. "I think I'm just gonna sit here a while and rest. And try not to be too depressed about my life."
"I'm gonna go inspect the troops," Ray smirked as he stood up. "There's gotta be at least one cute soldier out there that wouldn't mind showing me around. God I'm in a bad dry streak."
"You? Hello?" Lana pointed to her belly. "And I didn't even get pregnant the old fashioned way. I had to practically steal sperm in order to…Never mind."
Ray raised an eyebrow but said nothing. "You sure you're gonna be all right?"
"I'll be fine," Lana waved. "Go on. At least one of us should get laid on this trip."
"OUTLAW COUNTRY! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cherlene whooped as the sound of something breaking was heard.
"ALL RIGHT! BARBECUE COCAINE! LET'S PARTY! WHOOO!" Pam called out.
"CHERLENE PUT YOUR TOP BACK ON! AND YOU TOO PAM!" Cyril yelled. "YOUR PRESIDENTE COMMANDS YOU!"
"AWWWW!" The sound of disappointed soldiers groaning could be heard.
"WHAT THE HELL DOES A WOMAN HAVE TO DO TO GET A DRINK AROUND HERE?" Mallory yelled. "WE WON THE DAMN COUP! NOT LOST IT!"
"OUTLAW COUNTRY ROCKS! WHOOO!" Cherlene whooped it up. Something else smashing was heard.
"CHERLENE THERE BETTER NOT BE ANYTHING VALUABLE IN THOSE VASES YOU ARE SMASHING!" Mallory shouted. "AND WHERE THE HELL IS MY DRINK? THERE HAS TO BE SOME MORE OF THOSE BEN FRANKLIN WINES AROUND HERE!"
"I THOUGHT IT WAS THOMAS JEFFERSON?" Cyril shouted. "PAM SERIOUSLY PUT YOUR TOP BACK ON!"
"WELL WHOEVER IT WAS I WANT THAT DRINK NOW!" Mallory shouted. "BEFORE I GET SERIOUSLY UNHAPPY!"
"Oh dear lord it is one disaster after another around here," Ray winced at the racket that was coming from a few rooms down. "I am not going over there!"
"Me neither," Lana rolled her eyes. She awkwardly got off the couch. "And I am not sitting here listening to it."
"COME AND GET IT BOYS!" Pam whooped. "COCAINE FOR THE PEOPLE! BY THE PEOPLE! AND FOR PAM!"
"NO! STOP EATING COCAINE!" Cyril yelled. "LISTEN TO YOUR PRESIDENTE!"
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"YEOWWWW!" A soldier yelled in pain.
"WELL I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT COCAINE AND SEE? SEE? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DISOBEY ORDERS!" Cyril shouted.
"WHO THE HELL GAVE YOU A GUN?" Pam shouted.
"I'M A DICTATOR NOW! I NEED A GUN!" Cyril yelled.
"WELL I NEED A DRINK!" Mallory snapped. "AND YOU BETTER NOT GET ANY MORE BLOOD ON THIS CARPET!"
"I think I'm going to find a nice dark corner and cry for a while," Lana moaned.
"I'll join you," Ray groaned as he left with her.