I sat idly at my kitchen table, tapping my fingernails on the hard wood surface.

As stupid as it may seem for a 42 year old woman to be bored, that's just what I was.

I'd gotten out at family leave and my hours at the office had been cut in half.

Most people complain about having to work too much, and now that I'm taking so much time off I don't know what to do with myself half the time.

But then I heard a key in the front door and I remembered why I'd done this in the first place:

For Eli, my baby.

"I'm home mom." He muttered as I heard him close the door. I stood up and walked into the foyer to greet him, arms open.

"Hi!" I greeted cheerily.

He tried to hide it but I could still see him roll his eyes a little as he grudgingly gave me a hug.

I know he's a teenager and isn't really into mommy-son affection and all, but I feel like I have to let him know that I love him and I'm there for him whenever I can. Now that he's finally opened up, even if just a little, about his problems I want him to know that he can talk to be about anything.

Bullfrog and I have always been relaxed, laid back parents, and we both agree that that's best to let Eli grow and become his own person.

I know Eli doesn't like how I'm hovering over him now and although I love the excuse to spend time with him, it's not the same because I know he'd really just rather have his space, like Bullfrog and I have always given him.

But his psychiatrist recommended that one of us try to be home with him at all times; so to Eli's annoyance I volunteered immediately.

It's not that Eli necessarily wants to be alone; and I'm sure he'd rather spend time with his friends or little Clare instead of his mother. But when they're busy or he has no choice but to be home, I'm here for him.

He has an appointment today so I'd asked him to come home earlier than usual.

"How was school?" I asked, and I ruffled his hair before I could stop myself. I always did that to him when he was a kid, and I guess old habits just die hard.

"Fine." He mumbled. "Hey, I'm gonna go change out of my uniform okay?"

"Okay sweetie, just try to be back down here in about 30 minutes so I can fix you something to eat before your appointment."

He nodded and went up to his room.

-x-x-x-

"Eli!" I called loud enough so he would hear me through his bedroom door. He always kept it shut, even though he was letting people in there now.

I set his food out on the table and poured him a glass of juice while I waited for him to come downstairs.

When I still didn't hear footsteps after about a minute I walked to the foot of the stairs and called his name again.

"Eli?"

There was still no answer.

Puzzled, I walked upstairs and gently knocked on his door.

"You in there baby boy?"

I swear I could hear him breathing or moving ever so slightly, but he didn't answer me.

I felt bad intruding on his privacy but I was getting worried.

"Eli, I'm gonna come in." I announced, and when I didn't hear an objection I opened the door and walked inside to find my son curled up in the fetal position on his bed.

"Baby, wha-…" And then I realized what he was holding.

His favorite picture of Julia.

I looked at him sadly as he sat up and set the picture down next to him, giving me a weak smile.

I held up my hands and backed out of his room. "Don't let me interrupt Eli, I'll just be downstairs."

I turned around to leave and was about to walk away when I heard him whisper:

"Mommy."

I immediately turned around; he hasn't called me that in ages.

He was clutching his sheets in his shaking hands and I could hear broken breaths rip from his throat as tears began to roll down his cheeks.

My heart broke in two and I ran to him as fast as I could.

"Oh baby I'm so sorry!" I said, trying to console him. I threw my arms around him and started rubbing his back like how I used to when he was a baby while he sobbed into my shoulder.

"I miss her mom." He whimpered, and I pulled him tighter, ruffling his hair.

"I know baby boy, I do to too, I do too." I murmured, and a few tears threatened to escape my own eyes but I willed myself to stay strong for Eli.

Julia was wonderful, she'd been so polite and kind and I loved to watch how Eli's face lit up whenever she was around.

She lived with us for a while, and Bullfrog and I would always make jokes about how she and Eli would get married one day. She would blush and Eli would give us a death glare but I could tell that they hadn't ruled out the possibility themselves.

I loved her too, not as much as my son did of course, but she was like a daughter to me.

I still get teary sometimes when I remember the night she helped me do the dishes after dinner, and when I thanked her she said "You're welcome mom."

I brought myself back to the present moment and blinked the wetness out of my eyes.

Eli's sobs were dying down but I could still feel his tears soaking my shirt.

I moved myself so my arm was around him and his body was propped up against my side. He leaned his head on my shoulder and held onto my hair lightly.

He usually would never dream of doing something like that and I would've been happy that he wanted more motherly affection if it weren't under these awful circumstances.

"Do you wanna talk about it honey?" I asked softly.

"I just…I don't know why she had to die. Why I had to lose her. It's…it wasn't her time, she was so young, I…" He broke off into sobs again and I cradled his head closer to my chest.

"I don't why either Eli. It's very, very sad how these things happen, and I don't think anyone can explain why. All we can do is try to go on with our lives and make the best of things."

"B-but…why should I be happy when she's d-d-dead? It's my fault, I'm the reason she died! I hate myself." He whimpered, a new gush of tears streaking down his face.

"Eli, you know that's not true. And if she could, Julia would tell you that too."

"B-but she can't! That's the whole point! She's gone, and I-…" He broke off and I looked down at him curiously.

He sat up then and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "I need to see Clare."

Confusion took over my face as my eyebrows furrowed and I asked "Why?"

He gave me such a pained look then that I was sure I was going to burst into tears.

"Because mom, she's the only thing that…makes this better. When I'm with her, I don't have to think about what I've lost, I don't have to think about how I no longer have Julia, because I have her now. She makes me so happy mom, she makes all the bad feelings just…go away."

I ruffled his hair and wiped a newly formed tear off his cheek.

"I'm glad she makes you so happy sweetie, but you have a meeting with your therapist today, remember?"

"Can't I reschedule? I don't wanna see my therapist, I wanna be with Clare."

"Eli, I really think you should see your therapist."

"Clare can be my therapist."

My eyes widened and I chose my next words carefully. "Eli, I don't know if you should put that kind of pressure on her." I said quietly. "It's good that you have her, but you can't just depend on her to get better. You should see a therapist, take medicine-…" I trailed off, hoping he would get the point.

"So…I can't see her…?" He asked in a cracking voice.

"Maybe after your session you-…"

I didn't have a chance to finish my sentence because he burst into tears again.

"Please mom!" He begged, sobbing into my shirt while his arms wrapped around me tightly.

"Please, PLEASE, just let me go to her. She's the only one, the only thing that helps me, mom PLEASE!" He looked at me then, his face blotchy and his eyes red and swollen.

"Oh baby…" A tear slipped down my cheek before I could stop it and I wiped it away quickly.

"Please?"

He looked so desperate, so broken, that I knew I had to let him go. Hell, I would've given him the world at that point.

"Okay baby boy. You can go and see Clare."

He attempted to smile through his tears and he gave me a hug.

"Thank you mom, thank you so much." He murmured, and kissed me on the cheek.

He got up to leave and I watched out his window until his hearse pulled out of the driveway and turned around the corner.

"I love you Eli." I whispered.

He's so broken, so upset…it scares and overwhelms me. And I'm his mother for God's sake!

I sighed and sat down on his bed, completely spent.

I hope Clare can handle him.