Salvaging Your Heart
I still dream about you sometimes. Never as vivid as that day though.
The day I found out.
You haven't really left me though, have you? You couldn't just leave and let me get on with my life. You were always more complicated then everyone else. I can still feel you. Some days I can't remember what you look like anymore, you're just a blur. Yet on other days you are the only thing that fills my mind. To be honest, I don't know which days are worse.
It's an odd feeling, not having you around.
It numbs me. Often it numbs me so much I don't even feel the pain of missing you, so I make myself hurt, in ways you wouldn't be proud of. The numbness makes me feel like a part of me died with you.
In some ways a part of me did.
My hope,
I don't even hope you'll come back anymore. Or that one day I'll move on and forget. There's no point.
Emily impulsively screwed up the letter in front of her at that point, and tossed it hastily towards the bin. She didn't check to see where it landed. She knew she'd pick it up later, she always did. She would wipe away her tears, and carefully smooth it out against her desk, and then straighten out the edges with her palm. Then she'd tuck it away with the others. It was her routine, and she stuck to it vigorously.
Emily had put away quite a large collection of letters; she had grown fond of them almost. She connected with them like a little girl would with her scrapbook or diary. They were comforting and secure, unlike people.
When Emily's entire group of friends stopped trying to get in touch, she had written her a letter.
When Katie couldn't put up with her anymore, and moved in with Freddie, Emily would write her a letter.
She even wrote her a letter when she had broken up with Naomi, and crushed her only ally's heart.
Breaking up with her girlfriend wasn't as hard for Emily as she had first assumed. It was almost like getting rid an old toy, or saying goodbye to a distant aunt. (That's how she explained it in her letter) It didn't hurt half as much as when she left. Maybe because that time, Emily never got to say goodbye.
"It's beautiful Freddie."
Katie swirled the ring around her fingers, taking in its elegance.
"So, what do you say?"
"Of course I'll marry you…idiot." Katie wrapped her arms around her fiancées neck and gazed into his eyes.
"Freds? Are you okay? Did that little skeeze-bag hurt you?"
Katie slumped down against Freddie's garden wall. He was curled up in a ball, with tears streaming down his face; she'd never wanted to give someone a hug more than right now. Katie had never seen him like this, it scared her.
"sshhh" Katie wrapped her arms around him trying to soothe his pain.
"I-I-I'll never stop loving her." Freddie shakily spat out.
Katie tightened her grip, "sure you will, your perfect Freds, she doesn't deserve you."
"Katie? Are you alright, you look like you've seen a ghost."
Freddie enquired with a small smile.
Katie removed her arms from around him, and rewrapped them around herself.
"Yeah. I think I'm going to go to bed for a while, it's been an eventful day."
Katie leaned forward and pecked Freddie on the nose, bringing to his face a warm smile, she tried to return it, but her lips couldn't seem to muster the energy.
As she turned on her heel towards the stairs Katie could have sworn she heard Freddie sigh behind her, he did that a lot now. Sigh for no reason. Katie was used to ignoring it; it was one of the many things they didn't talk about in their relationship. Katie's nightmares were another.
Every night Katie would toss and turn, haunted by images of her face. When the dreams first started they were understandable, she thought they would go away after time, but it's been a year now. She didn't see herself as a murderer, but her dreams did.
It was always the same dream. Effy was stood on the bridge Emily had once been so fond of, and then Katie would appear, laughing and boasting about her success. All it took was one push, sometimes it was only a tap – those were the better nights – to make her fall.
To end her life.
Katie didn't even like Effy when she was alive, she had wanted her dead. The thought of all of her actions last year made her sick; it still made her body ache with pain to this day. But she was getting married now, and she needed to be her best.
Katie had finally gotten what she wanted, her boy, and her friends. However, her sister was gone. Not just from her, but from the world. Emily was a shell of herself, Katie could only put up with it for so long, the depressing stories, the fits of manic laughter and then tears. Emily was impossible, every day Katie feared she'd never get better. That she'd imprison herself in her misery forever.
Katie was more scared for herself though. Her pain was deep, and it was cutting into everything she held close, just like she'd cut into everything in Effy's life.
Maybe it was karma.
Maybe it was guilt.
Maybe it's because she never got to say goodbye.
"Come on sleepyhead." Gina shouted around the door, sticking her head into her daughter's room to see Naomi still curled up on her bed.
"MUM! School just finished, let me get some fucking sleep,"
Gina wasn't at all surprised by her daughter's outburst, since the incident they were a common thing. However they still upset the single mum. She'd tried all of the methods and theories to bring her daughter back to her old self, but none of them worked. Nothing can mend a broken heart.
Naomi had been on dates since Emily left her, but none had gone smoothly. Funny, how she would always get a headache or food poisoning half way through the date, and have to leave. Gina knew what Naomi was up to when she'd come home early from the dates, complaining of a stomach bug, but she'd never asked questions. After all, she knew better than anyone what it was like to loose the love of your life. It had taken her years to get over Naomi's dad, and even now she found it hard to look at another man in the same way.
Naomi and Emily had only lasted a short amount of time, but Gina knew the impact it had had on her daughters life was massive, and then for it to end so suddenly after the incident, right when they needed each other most, almost killed Naomi.
Naomi had managed to avoid Emily at school, after her girlfriend had become so attached and depressed, the blonde saw no reason for them to stay together.
Neither did Emily
So she ended it.
Naomi hadn't been the same since.
Although she and Effy weren't close, in fact, most of the time Naomi found herself consumed with envy towards Emily's best friend, but Naomi still felt her absence, and the thought of it still sent a shiver down her spine, and a tremble in her heart. She knew how Effy must've felt; many a time Naomi had debated taking her own life.
She'd never really do it though; she couldn't to it to Emily. Not without saying goodbye.
AN: this may only be a one-shot, sort of a few months later to Can We Just Sit. If i get anymore inspiration i might give this a few more chapters, review any ideas or if you want more :) it'll help ;)